Stuck in a cage fight with my sense of duality

[Puer Aeternus]

The signals cannot be more mixed..

You're connected to everything by source. The person on the street, my neighbors window cactus, even the stray pube on my floor that I need to sweep up. All you and you are it.

But then, flip 

People are exhausting and I cannot be asked to deal with them. Losing interest. My values do not align with this place and they don't value me or understand what I have to offer. My way through this life is profound self-sufficiency on all levels.

Flip, flip, flip

My personality had no solidity, it was whatever was most pleasing to the immediate person I was talking to. Two legged chameleon vibes lick, lick. I was the crazy one, everyone else was normal. There was always a sense I better fit in or else they'd find out what I was and hurt me. What "I" was, I didn't really understand.

Until I started to in a hefty amount of time. Deconstructing it all was a bitch and a half and I was gaslighting myself roughly half the time. Until the tables spun round and it all came to me. I wasn't the crazy one, I mean I am but. But what I'd once tried to FORCE myself to fit into was a dysfunctional mirage. I was different, needs/lifestyles misaligned, incomprehensible to those around me. One that could never just fit.

 

And so, with this shift. I've been building. The machine elves have been working over time laying brick walls for the sake of my protection from the world. Ego lifting weights and doing lines of protein powder. Letting go of co-dependent desires, working through pain. Towards a future where I provide as much for myself as humanly possible and feel safe. One where I'm content but alone. It's zapped much of my humanly desire for socializing. To seek less externally.

And yet..

I can't help but wonder, if it's all delusion? If I'm just tricking myself all over again. That it's just more traumatic goop, defensey mechanismo. It's not quite right.

Because. The expansive experiences I've had.. quite the opposite vibe. Sometimes they return to me in open moments and I can integrate them further. Feeling so vast, connected, peaceful. Not a wall in sight.

How to balance the transcendence while being stuck in human form and the limitations that brings? Flip flipping between these poles is super confusing and disorienting. How to integrate the two. I still reside mostly in separation, but I wonder how differently I'd be at the opposite end of the pole? Would my whole way of living flip on its head and I become a nearly unrecognizable person? Big questions.

[Hojo]

When you awaken it gets confusing on what you should be or do. Its all one, i must like everyone because I am them but I spend 5 seconds doing that and I'm annoyed. What that means is you actually hate everyone and thats who you are, and you are pretending to be nice cause you think you are supposed to. You are supposed to hate everyone and life won't go forward till you stop lying.

Once you hate you can see that everything will be okay when you are rude/honest and genuinely  not interested.

People through out life will gaslight us into thinking we are being mean when we are just being ourselves.

For instance people will be like why do you look so angry or sad when just sitting there cause you have resting bitch face.You are sitting there perfectly normal and someone just randomly insults you and tells you what you are doing is wrong. Then you change and act like someone else for some asshole who found your face uncomfortable.

When we say everything is love its means love that you hate people not love the person. Love your resting bitch face and fuck the person who insulted you for it. God needs the interaction to happen so you can say to them ,who the fuck are you? Instead we are programmed to take it to heart and insult ourselves when we didnt even do anything and we change for no reason. This hurts the individual everytime they pretend and will actually ruin Gods graceful plan for you. After you do this you will be able to smile all day. You will do what you want and everything will work out and there will be no friction.

Edited June 21 by Hojo

[Razard86]

Hatred is the path of evil, you can dislike sure, but hatred is delusion. Anyone can hate, its the easiest thing. Dislike is the path of maturity.

[Hojo]

@Razard86Thats fair you can change hate to I dont fucking like you, aggressively dont like you.

Edited June 21 by Hojo

[samijiben]

Hojo gives insight.

You ask how to balance this and that, it reminds me of going back to square one: defensey mechanisimo. 

It is suspected that your mind will prepare elaborate story of variables and other people so that you can UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH!

You ask, "I wonder how different I would be at the opposite end of this pole?"

You already are! You mentioned having the ability to fine-tune and suit/tailor your personality to whichever one you are with. That just goes to show that you are a shape shifter at core. You do not belong anywhere, as you have suspected. So take that feeling and ride it like wave. Jump on Rumi's Caravan of Love. Sacrifice everything you know. 

In a place close to home, floating in the ethereal mist of the immediately obvious, is the possibility of gaining immortality, instantaneous teleportation, and Jesus Christ being just as worthy of worship as Donald Trump, Satan, or another celebrity. At the end of the day, night comes. But what is missed is most essential. That is the spontaneous erection of divine light, Muhammad's Fable of wisdom, and Abraham's Ejaculation of knowledge

[Puer Aeternus]

HAHAHA 

This is amusing. So you're telling me, I can be the BIGGEST hater 

Or as Razard clarified, the strongest disliker.

And through being the strongest disliker, I shall burn through this sensation.

May it be fun until it isn't. Then I will know what's probably on the other side.

 

 

 

3 hours ago, samijiben said:

That is the spontaneous erection of divine light.

Thanks for that one, I think I'll be using it in the future 

[Puer Aeternus]

Tsk tsk missed a generational hating spree because the servers went to shit during the towards seconds I was going to rant.

Jokes on them babyyyy only takes ten minutes for my hateful clip to reload!!!

Practice session 2 . 0 !!!!

• I hate people whose sole purpose on planet earth seems to be desiring to breed. I simply do not understand it, and I swear EVERY TIME it's always the fuckers who definitely shouldn't be within 50 meters of a child let alone making their own little gremlins organically 
• I hate being raised by absolutely clueless people that didn't take a singular fuck off second to contemplate if it was worth birthing me into this shit hole. Mom you've hated every job you've ever worked but noooooo lets have a little lizard just so that he can go through all that too. GENIUS, ABSOLUTE FUCKING GENIUS. 
• I hate that every single thing I buy is probably harvested from some worker making pennies on the hour laboring sixteen hours a day, and that it's basically inescapable or I have to do literally obscene amounts of research, just to MAYBE avoid this
• I hate how rotten it all is to the core. How humans are, how corruption populates every single aspect of life. We really cannot have nice things, we cannot have pure things. Because we are THAT fundamentally stupid.
• I hate going to the grocery store and knowing that all the aisles are filled with poisonous, toxic shit. I hate how stupid the people responsible are and that they're usually not even mentally well lit enough to clock the manipulation and end up poisoning themselves too.
• I hate the university system. I hate the exorbitant expenses, but even if it was affordable you're still asking me to waste for years of my life jumping through hoops memorizing things I will immediately forget, exercising the bare minimum critical thinking because it's not really about understanding. It's about regurgitation.
• I hate family gatherings. I hate pretending to like everyone and give a singular shit when some of these people I'd really not like to talk to. But oh nooooo it's a social game you have to play! Grandma will get upset! Grandma.. can lmao. She can fuck off! 
• Did I say I hate people? Is it not clear that I hate people? I really hate people. I hate how people are well meaning sacks of poo who believe they're the good guys no matter how face deep in manure they are. Walking around, acting special, mate you have turd all over your face. Take a bath and stop being such an ignorant wanker. 
• I hate owning a car, I hate parking lots. I hate that scenic American cities look like a business park.. ah the beautiful view of Dollar Tree, McDonald's, and Walmart. It's like the landscape is a physical representation of how stupid we are. 
• I hate how miserable people like to make themselves. Stuck in some shit and never change, they never change, they have to get smacked with their stupidity one thousand times over the same thing they're messing up before they'll even consider changing their ways.