Am I Reinventing The Wheel Here? (Essential mindset for cold-approach)

[Lincisman]

I wrote this guide in the hope that it helps and inspires you to go out and grow in this area. I’d be grateful if you read it carefully and share your thoughts. Thank you

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What does it mean to be open in cold-approach?

• Acknowledge your feelings. It means saying to yourself that "you are the way you are and you feel the way you feel and that is OKAY. It is completely fine and normal to be this way."
  • It helps to notice these feelings that can be uncomfortable and just remind yourself that it is just the mind doing it's thing. "My mind creates stress, that is what the mind does. Sun shines and mind creates the stress. It is nothing personal.";
• Expose yourself fully. It means that:
  • You are not hiding anything from her. You let her see your emotions and feelings including whatever stress or anxiety you are experiencing in the moment. You are emotionally transparent meaning that you are honest about how you feel;
  • No fake front. Not even 1 %. You are not pretending to be different or feel different from what and who you are.
  • You are not protecting yourself. You are becoming more and more vulnerable and open with each approach;
  • You allow your exposed self to be judged and rejected by her and you are fully open to that experience;
  • You are honest such that if you don't know what to say, for example, in your mind you are free to say "I don't know what to say anymore I haven't prepared anything".

How to know if you are doing it right and benefits

• You are willing to get rejected more easily;
• You feel more relaxed;
• Your body language opens;
• You become more present, spontaneous;
• You are less fearful of approaching. One part of this fear is the fear of being seen and exposed as not the person that you present yourself to be. And it is terrifying to feel that right before an approach. One time this fear was so bad that I literally thought that I am going to die if I go up to her.
• After the interactions (even if it goes nowhere) you feel way better about it. In my experience, the feelings are much more lighter and gentler after it.

The problems of not being open

• The fear of being seen/exposed is so high that most of the time you can't even approach;
• Even if you do approach and it goes bad, you will keep spinning in your mind this story of "Oh, that is because she saw through me!!"
• Mind feels rigid + closed body language;
• You are somewhere else with your mind (not present)- you spend your energy trying to avoid being seen (saying the right words, paying attentions to your reactions etc.)
• After the interactions there is a good chance you will feel like a fraud, fake and ultimately it will not be satisfying;

Misconceptions

• Let's say you feel depressed and low self-esteem. Your mind does it to you by bringing up all the memories and "facts" why you are low value and she is way better than you so that you don't go and approach. Being open in this context does not mean talking about your emotional problems and saying how depressed you are, NO! You carry the conversations as usual.
• What it means to be open is being open emotionally to yourself and her. It is like saying in your mind "Here I am exactly as I am, come on judge me, reject me" (of course all the judgment from her is just your own perceptions and you can delete it from your mind but that is for another time).

Practical tips for how to implement it

• Start with opening up your body (shoulder back, arms on the sides) relax as much as possible;
• Imagine exposing and opening up to her with all of your being. Let her judge you.
• Imagine standing naked in front of her fully exposed, having nothing to hide and completely open to whatever experience.

Additional notes:

On Fear: So if you are going to experiment and do cold-approach with this mindset your are going to feel fear but it is like a sensation you feel before jumping into the cold water. It is manageable. On the other hand, if you choose to do the opposite the fear is going to be doubled because in addition to you current fears there will be this fear of being seen through and exposed. In this case by trying to protect yourself you end up shooting yourself in the foot.

Aim For Self-expression: Once you are present and open you become free to express yourself without the fear of being judged or seen. Feel into your body and let the interaction flow naturally from what spontaneously arises within you;

[Yimpa]

Sweet!

Quote

Am I Reinventing The Wheel Here?

The click wheel allowed users of iPods to navigate more intuitively and effortlessly. 

Edited May 4 by Yimpa

[aurum]

@Lincisman

Authenticity is not enough.

You need standards for your behavior.

[Yimpa]

6 minutes ago, aurum said:

Authenticity is not enough.

You need standards for your behavior.

Authenticity can be one of your highest values, yet the behavioral standards (BS) that were passed down to you may not in true alignment with that.

[aurum]

2 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Authenticity can be one of your highest values, yet the behavioral standards (BS) that were passed down to you may not in true alignment with that.

I'm aware.

[Lincisman]

12 hours ago, aurum said:

You need standards for your behavior.

Good! But what are standards for behavior?

Like something that you do or don't do based on your values (Like buying a drink or not) or just being aware of the context/ situation in which you approach?

[aurum]

8 hours ago, Lincisman said:

Like something that you do or don't do based on your values (Like buying a drink or not) or just being aware of the context/ situation in which you approach?

Yes those ideas are a good starting point.

I’d also include things like preparing logistics, apartment / home cleanliness, the clothing you wear, the language you use, things you will and will not share about yourself, how other men respond to you, the friends you keep, maintaining your physical health and intellectual standards.

Understand that carefreeness is super high value in a party scenario. You definitely want to integrate some of that. But ultimately I recommend you have a larger vision for yourself as a man, beyond just a fun, carefree party boy.

The thing about masculinity is that, energetically, it’s not carefree. Aim for a dynamic where she is more carefree than you. You need to be more grounded.

 

[Lincisman]

2 hours ago, aurum said:

Yes those ideas are a good starting point.

I’d also include things like preparing logistics, apartment / home cleanliness, the clothing you wear, the language you use, things you will and will not share about yourself, how other men respond to you, the friends you keep, maintaining your physical health and intellectual standards.

Okay, this is really good, solid thinking
 

2 hours ago, aurum said:

Understand that carefreeness is super high value in a party scenario. You definitely want to integrate some of that. But ultimately I recommend you have a larger vision for yourself as a man, beyond just a fun, carefree party boy.

Interesting. Did you get the idea that my post was about carefreeness?

In my mind this idea of being open has very little to do with carefreeness or being a party boy. It designed solely to grapple with approach anxiety for depressed and introverted mind, like I have. It can make me more grounded and less fearful.

[aurum]

49 minutes ago, Lincisman said:

Interesting. Did you get the idea that my post was about carefreeness?

I'm reading between the lines.

49 minutes ago, Lincisman said:

 It designed solely to grapple with approach anxiety for depressed and introverted mind, like I have. It can make me more grounded and less fearful.

And you're doing that by training your mind to be more carefree.

Which is fine to a degree. Like I said, you do want to integrate some carefreeness. Especially with cold-approach.

My goal here is just to balance your perspective and maybe oriente you to something beyond that.

I dislike teachings that frame masculinity as becoming fearless and that men need to heal all their insecurities.

You need some fear as a man. Fear keeps you grounded and from drifting off into fairytale land.

Carefreeness does not ground you, it does the opposite.

The only people who don't need fear are those who are not responsible for their survival, like a child.