Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

[soos_mite_ah]

The other side of a friend break up

I had this messy friend breakup that lasted from early August 2024 and lingered into the end of February 2025. That has been fucking with my brain. I will say that by the end of March I was like 80% over it but that last 20% has been lingering. Then by September, I started to feel like I was on the other side where most of the pain subsided to where I felt like I see the life lessons in this situation. And I've had like a month or two to let those lessons simmer and I want to journal about it. 

I would say that the biggest thing is that this situation taught me about the type of friend I do NOT want to be. 

1. I don't want to be the friend with no conflict resolution skills: Conflict is inevitable and it comes up when you're in a long term relationship with anyone. Misunderstandings happen, people aren't perfect, but so long as you can communicate your needs and take accountability, I think that helps you preserve your relationships as well as help each other grow. Sometimes we need the friction of other people to smooth out our rough edges and I think we're living in a world that values emotional convenience over connection which can cause us to deem any form of friction as erosion. 
2. I don't want to be the friend who ghosts (or tries to ghost others): I think that ghosting people who you have considered close is pretty confusing and existentially bad to the person who you're ghosting who was probably under the impression that things were fine this entire time. 
3. I don't want to be the friend who people pleases and doesn't voice her needs or when someone did something that bothers her: I think a lot of the stuff that the other person was going through can be wrapped up in not being proactive with something that bothers her to the point where it bubbled up and exploded. I also think the person I was dealing with was probably around a lot of toxic form of conflict in her workplace and maybe even in her romantic relationship. And in my experience, when you're around so much toxic conflict, you also tend to paint healthy and natural forms of conflict as toxic as well which then causes you to be conflict avoidant / a people pleaser. I wouldn't be surprised if because she was surrounded by volatile people she would get into screaming matches with if she brought something up that she would think that I would react the same way if we were to have a conversation. I can see how trauma can cause this kind of bias but it's also like, anyone who has had conversations with me knows that I'm not a volatile person and that I am capable of working through things constructively and in good faith. Basically, I think this person has a lot going on which has affected her ability to handle conflict and she probably doesn't know me like that. 
4.  I don't want to be the friend who doesn't give people the space to grow and take accountability: I understand that growth isn't perfect and that people can still make mistakes in that path but I don't want to write someone off who is genuinely trying. So long as we had a conversation and I can see that you're making moves in the right direction, I think that's good enough. I think it can be dehumanizing and harsh to expect perfection in ourselves and the people around us. Again, it reminds me of this quote: 

   On 9/7/2025 at 4:20 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

   Everyone is so emotionally intelligent nowadays they completely miss the part where love sometimes means being patient with someone who's still figuring things out. We've learned the language of boundaries and red flags so well we forget that healing doesn't always look pretty or perform well. We live in a time where one wrong text can end a connection, and one imperfect moment can brand someone as unsafe. Where protecting your peace is sometimes just avoiding intimacy. We confuse regulation with disconnection, clarity with control, detachment with wisdom. And in doing so, we build curated lives filled with people who never challenge our edges and only mirror them. We mistake emotional intelligence for emotional convenience. And then we wonder why everything feels so distant even when we're doing everything right. 

5. I also believe that being a friend also means holding each other accountable. Like I don't want a group yes men who will validate everything I'm going through and be unconditionally supportive. I want people to call me out or reassure me when I'm not thinking straight. I don't see people disagreeing with me or people not being unconditionally supportive as them being negative. I'm not the type of friend who won't say anything and will sit and watch the circus go down as their friend is running around like a clown and ruining their life. I'm also not going to be the type of person that lectures, nags, or keeps bringing the same thing up (I'm not their mom or their therapist) and I'm not going to be the type of person to say I told you so either because I want you to feel safe even if you made the wrong decision. I will mention something once or twice and then let you make your decision because you have agency and some people need to learn from their life experiences and fuck around and find out to have certain things stick. 

6. I'm going to start judging people by their significant other/ long term partners: Of course there are caveats and nuances here. I'm not going to judge people and victim blame those in abusive situations. I'm not going look down on people who made a few bad decisions here and there as they are learning through life experiences. But what I am going to consider is that birds of a feather flock together and the type of partner you choose does say something about you. And if you're dating a weirdo, either you yourself are weirdo on some level or you tolerate that type of behavior. Either way, I'm proceeding with caution. 

7. I'm more mindful about things like weaponized therapy speak and hyper individualized self care: I did a few posts talking about this so I will not be elaborating. 

I'm also at a place where even though I can see where I might have fucked up, I can also see ways that her breaking up with me in this way might also be more of a reflection of what's going on on her end rather than mine. 

1. She was working in a very volatile work environment and had a lot of chaos in her life: I'm sure that what I did was the straw that broke the camels back but also, the camel was holding on to a lot of other things that was contributing significantly more to that weight than my straw. And kind of what I was saying earlier, I think the toxic confict she was facing in this environment also caused her to react disproportionately to healthy conflict and me trying to figure out what was going on her end in good faith. And I think as she was going into a more peaceful time, she's kind of over correcting and going into the toxic positivity route. I had that era too and I can recognize that this is part of the process sometimes but it sucks that I was collerateral damage in her journey of personal growth. 
2. She may or may not be in a toxic relationship: I don't want to say that she is for sure because I have limitted evidence of it and I don't want to make bold claims of people I don't know like that. But she has said things about this man that has cause me to be like *girl... that's not normal..* And I wonder if this relationship was worse than I thought and I was unknowingly navigating a minefield where I said the wrong thing that caused this person to want to distance herself from me and further isolate. 
   
   I also remember a time in my healing from all of this where I was pissed because she can go to couples therapy and work shit out with this man that did fucked up things to her. But when it comes to me doing something minor, she's going to cut things off and never have a proper conversation about this. And now, my perspective has shifted a bit about this as I have been learning about toxic relationships. People who are trauma bonded to each other with the low lows and the high highs can sometimes justify and fight for things that don't make sense because they are attached to the abuser in a way that mirrors addiction. Maybe the reason she felt like she could leave without fighting for the connection when it came to me is not because she's male centered but because I'm not manipulating/ trauma bonding her to me. 
3. There might be other stressors going on that I have no clue about: Given that this looks like an avoidant person, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other things going on that I had no clue about that was also causing stress to cause her to react the way that she did. 
4. I think this person also might have the Bumble BFF brainrot: I will not elaborate since I already did posts about convenience culture and how that is translating to people on apps as their main form of socialization. 

At this point, I think I'm like 95% over it. I still have a few thought loops that go along the lines of: 

1. I think I'm a trauma dumping crazy person who is miserable to be around and that makes me scared to open up to people at times. 
2. Sometimes I think people secretly hate me and I have no friends.  
3. I'm scared I might be overestimating my place in people's lives 

But on the bright side I have been making a couple of new friends and been opening up more at work. I think that has been helping me combat the thought loops above and it's making me think *hey, you don't suck socially, you just dont have as many opportunities as you did growing up so finding and making friends takes longer than it used to.*

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

An Inventory of My Social Skills: 

I have wrote about in the past how I have been itching to put myself out there more. This Halloween weekend, I was able to do that and I found myself thinking how I socially thrive in some things and situations but not others. And I was comparing that to the way that my friends have similar or completely different skill sets as well to see what I can learn from them as well as what I can teach them.  

The items in green are things I want to get proficient in because I think it's more a priority given my current values. The items in blue are things I just want to be moderately competent in where I'm not in a place were I think it's the most important thing to be good at but, nevertheless, I do think it is helpful life skill. The things in black are just things I'm content with.

• Moderate on conflict resolution skills: This is something I have been working on a lot over the past year. I think I'm pretty good at it considering my current romantic relationship as well as the sometimes difficult/awkward conversations I had with friends. I think I have a good foundation of coming at things in good faith and being mindful of how I may come off to others and vice versa which I am going to elaborate on the Proficient section. But I do feel like I have room for improvement here as I watch a number of creators who I feel like have a good handle on this skill. 
• Moderate on public speaking: I can do presentations and talk in a group setting without losing my shit. I may need a heads up and some time to prepare but for the most part, I'm all good. I'm pretty competent in this area of life as far as it is needed in my professional and social life. But I cannot say that I'm proficient to where I can easily give impromtu speaches or rizz up a crowd lol. And that's perfectly fine. 
• Moderate on dealing with kids: I think I have the basic skills to make sure that kids don't hurt themselves and do something stupid and I have the skills to relate to teenagers without talking down on them or coming off as someone who isn't safe for them to go to. I think I also know a decent amount of healthy parenting strategies to prevent kids from internalizing common toxic societal things (i.e. teaching kids how to identify and regulate emotions instead of yelling at them and saying they're bad or worse, weak for crying). But at the same time, I do feel like I can be a little awkward around kids and that I lack certain life experiences to be truly proficient in this area of life.  
• Moderate on confidence: I would say that I'm pretty good about self respect but I'm not good with confidence. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hiding in a corner on my phone at a party, but I cannot say that I don't have any social anxiety and that I'm boldly introducing myself and making friends. While I'm not super self deprecating and oozing shame when dealing with work issues and putting myself out there romantically, I'm also not moving with the confidence of a delusional white man or instagram model lol. I just feel like I'm average in this department. 
• Moderate on finding like minded people: I feel like a lot of this stems from me being in environments where I've had to adapt and assimilate in some way. As a result, I think I'm better at creating bridges with people and prioritizing diversity over relatability.I'm not so lost to where I'm bending over backwards to fit in with people, but sometimes my social life feels like an upward climb because of a lack of relatability. I do think this is a skill I want to strengthen because I'm noticing some things being in common that are foundational for me to have good friendships with people. At the same time, while I want to improve on finding like minded people, I do think that that I still to value diversity of thought and life styles to where I would never want to be surrounded by carbon copies of myself in different fonts. That's why this is blue instead of green. 
• Moderate on small talk: I think I'm good enough at this to build rapport with people and not come off as a weirdo but I cannot say I'm good at this to where I'm just rizzing people up left and right lol. 
• Moderate on hosting: I feel like I'm decent at this but I can't say I'm like Martha Stewart level put together. 
  
   

 

• Proficient in balancing my life and being reliable with commitments: I'm pretty good at making plans, following up with people, being flexible if something comes up, not cancelling anything last minute, and checking on people even when my life gets busy. And I do think that a big part of this is that I have a decent work life balance that enables me to have the time and energy to pour into myself and the people around me. 
• Proficient in dealing with diverse backgrounds: I think a large chunk of this is my education on different cultures/ social issues as well as me always being in settings with people different from myself. I do pride myself in knowing that I'm invited to the cookout, I'm invited to the brown wedding, I'm invited to iftar, I'm invited to a random Hispanic 2-year old's party, and that I'm invited to lunar new years. In addition to that, I'm pretty good at managing differences in socio-economic status as well as people who are in different industries, stages of life, or life styles.  
• Proficient in attracting good people in my life: I've had very little drama and negative falling outs with people. I think generally speaking, I attract pretty ethical people where I'm not even put into the possition of messiness. 
• Proficient in self respect / boundaries: While I'm not the most confident person, I'm pretty good about not staying in unhealthy situations where people are treating me badly, I'm pretty good about knowing my values and staying true to that, and I'm good at knowing when to prioritize myself and my sanity. I'm also good at recognizing red flags and discerning between disappointment and disrespect. I guess the difference between the outward confidence and being able to utilize these skills is playing defense vs offense. My offense is moderate but I do have rock solid defense in terms of my confidence. 
• Proficient in small / 1-1 settings: I would say that hanging out with people 1-1 or in small groups where we can just talk to each other is my comfort zone as far as socializing goes and it's where I have had the most luck in developing longer term, deeper relationships.
• Proficient in keeping friends and keeping a partner: I'm pretty good at maintaining my relationships and keeping in touch with people. I think it also goes back to the point of having very few negative falling outs with people. 
• Proficient in managing my neurotic tendencies: I have put in a good amount of work in therapy to deal with my issues, behave in an ethical well thoughout way, have decent character, and not have my traumas negatively impact my relationships. I'm also decent at regulating my own emotions if something has come up and deal with social situations with a decent amount of tact even if emotionally I feel like I'm all over the place. 
• Proficient in self awareness: I think I'm a pretty self aware person who is capable of having constructive conversations and taking in feedback from others. 
• Proficient in listening and empathizing: I have been told this my friends that I'm a pretty good person to go to if they need to talk or share about things and I think it has made it possible to make deeper connections more easy. 
  
   
• Low on making friends and finding new partners: I think while I'm good at hanging on to current connections, I'm not the best at making friends wherever I go. I think part of it is that I can be a bit of an acquired taste socially where it takes me a moment to warm up to people and it takes a minute for people to warm up to me. But another thing is that I think I can be kind of to myself, isolated, and guarded at times. And of course, I think the lack of social abundance you face after school/ college plays a role in exasserbating that. And sometimes I wonder how much of it is me versus the environments I find myself in. 
• Low on managing group settings and parties: I can get overstimulated in parties and group settings with a lot of people to where I get so focused on observing others to where I don't really contribute. I also think in general I'm not used to settings like this and this is just a muscle I don't work on very often. I think it's a simple fix of needing to get out more lol. 
• Low on sexual experience: Yeah... I'm not even going to pretend. I'm not the greatest sexually and I think a lot of it has to do with a lack of experience since I have only been with one person. But I will say, I'm pretty good about being open minded and communicating (in general but also in this area of my life). And I feel like as a result, even though I kind of suck, I'm not like sexually unsatified. 
• Low on socializing in corporate: I just feel like I'm still figuring my shit out in this area of life and it's just taking longer since I only go into the office once a week at most for the past year and a half. Before, that, I would go in very sporadically. I'm capable of working together in a team and just being friendly with coworkers so they don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm not also behaving in a way that would jeopardize my professional relationships. But at the same time, I'm not good at navigating office politics or the event when people are coming at me crazy. 
• Low on healthy anger, debate, and healthy defensiveness: I tend to freeze up when people come at me crazy and I think that comes at the expense of me standing up for myself at times. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stick around in a bad situation, I'm going to ignore the crazies or remove myself from a situation. But sometimes, you do need to put up a fight and clap back and I'm just not good at that. Debates also freak me out because I feel like my default way of operating is to find common ground and engage in good faith discussion rather than focussing on the optics of my arguments or the best way to convince others. And while it's good that I can engage in good faith without lashing out and getting defensive, I do think that people can take advantage of this and hurt me in certain situations because I'm not defensive in a healthy way. 
• Low on flirting: Yeah.. I can be kind of awkward in romantic situations. I don't have the rizz lol. But that said, I think that while I'm not creative and artful in the way that I flirt, I can be pretty direct which has it's own pros. I also think this is something COVID fucked up for me lol. 

[soos_mite_ah]

42 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

An Inventory of My Social Skills + Paths for Improvment

• Moderate on conflict resolution skills: This is something I have been working on a lot over the past year. I think I'm pretty good at it considering my current romantic relationship as well as the sometimes difficult/awkward conversations I had with friends. I think I have a good foundation of coming at things in good faith and being mindful of how I may come off to others and vice versa which I am going to elaborate on the Proficient section. But I do feel like I have room for improvement here as I watch a number of creators who I feel like have a good handle on this skill. 
  • I have a few youtubers I look up to on this. They include Chelsea Fagan from the Financial Diet, Dr. K from Healthy Gamer, Brittany Simon, and Ramit Sethi. 
    • Chelsea has pretty good takes around community building and what that can look like as you move from your 20s and 30s. 
    • Dr. K is pretty good at talking to people that I feel like I would either otherwise disagree with or have trouble with enagaging with. Granted I don't think  I will ever be on that level as I'm not a professionally trained therapist , but I do find it interesting the way he deals with red pill guys. 
    • Brittany Simon has a good way of thinking and questioning when it comes to why other people do what they do and how to navigate that in a wise way. While I feel like I don't get a lot of answers from her content, I do think that my discernment skills get sharpened because she asks the right questions. 
    • Ramit Sethi mainly deals with financial advice but I do like his series on couple's finances because of the way that he mediates the conversations in a constructive way. `
• Moderate on dealing with kids: I think I have the basic skills to make sure that kids don't hurt themselves and do something stupid and I have the skills to relate to teenagers without talking down on them or coming off as someone who isn't safe for them to go to. I think I also know a decent amount of healthy parenting strategies to prevent kids from internalizing common toxic societal things (i.e. teaching kids how to identify and regulate emotions instead of yelling at them and saying they're bad or worse, weak for crying). But at the same time, I do feel like I can be a little awkward around kids and that I lack certain life experiences to be truly proficient in this area of life.
  •   I feel like this is something that will just come in time and increased exposure to kids. 
• Moderate on finding like minded people: I feel like a lot of this stems from me being in environments where I've had to adapt and assimilate in some way. As a result, I think I'm better at creating bridges with people and prioritizing diversity over relatability.I'm not so lost to where I'm bending over backwards to fit in with people, but sometimes my social life feels like an upward climb because of a lack of relatability. I do think this is a skill I want to strengthen because I'm noticing some things being in common that are foundational for me to have good friendships with people. At the same time, while I want to improve on finding like minded people, I do think that that I still to value diversity of thought and life styles to where I would never want to be surrounded by carbon copies of myself in different fonts. That's why this is blue instead of green. 
  • I don't know how much this has to do with me versus how much of it has to do with my social environment and surroundings. But I do think that putting myself out there more and having a feeling of social abundance does help in casting a wide net and I think that's something that I can learn from one of my friends. 
• Low on making friends and finding new partners: I think while I'm good at hanging on to current connections, I'm not the best at making friends wherever I go. I think part of it is that I can be a bit of an acquired taste socially where it takes me a moment to warm up to people and it takes a minute for people to warm up to me. But another thing is that I think I can be kind of to myself, isolated, and guarded at times. And of course, I think the lack of social abundance you face after school/ college plays a role in exasserbating that. And sometimes I wonder how much of it is me versus the environments I find myself in. 
  • I have a couple of people in my life who are really good at making friends anywhere they go and I'm just trying to watch and take notes lol. 
• Low on managing group settings and parties: I can get overstimulated in parties and group settings with a lot of people to where I get so focused on observing others to where I don't really contribute. I also think in general I'm not used to settings like this and this is just a muscle I don't work on very often.
  • I think it's a simple fix of needing to get out more lol. 
• Low on sexual experience: Yeah... I'm not even going to pretend. I'm not the greatest sexually and I think a lot of it has to do with a lack of experience since I have only been with one person. But I will say, I'm pretty good about being open minded and communicating (in general but also in this area of my life). And I feel like as a result, even though I kind of suck, I'm not like sexually unsatified. 
  • I think this will involve figuring out some things with my boyfriend and the topic of open relationships. 
• Low on socializing in corporate: I just feel like I'm still figuring my shit out in this area of life and it's just taking longer since I only go into the office once a week at most for the past year and a half. Before, that, I would go in very sporadically. I'm capable of working together in a team and just being friendly with coworkers so they don't think I'm a weirdo. I'm not also behaving in a way that would jeopardize my professional relationships. But at the same time, I'm not good at navigating office politics or the event when people are coming at me crazy. 
  • I think this is something that will just come in time. And I think that I also need to focus on the next point. 
• Low on healthy anger, debate, and healthy defensiveness: I tend to freeze up when people come at me crazy and I think that comes at the expense of me standing up for myself at times. Like, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to stick around in a bad situation, I'm going to ignore the crazies or remove myself from a situation. But sometimes, you do need to put up a fight and clap back and I'm just not good at that. Debates also freak me out because I feel like my default way of operating is to find common ground and engage in good faith discussion rather than focussing on the optics of my arguments or the best way to convince others. And while it's good that I can engage in good faith without lashing out and getting defensive, I do think that people can take advantage of this and hurt me in certain situations because I'm not defensive in a healthy way. 
  • My boyfriend is pretty good about this type of thing. Heis good at dealing with angry and crazy people and good at not letting them get to him. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Desirability 

It's been about 8 months since the surgery. I can say for the past month or two that the way that my body felt distorted before has significantly subsided. I'm much more used to my proportions now. I have also been losing weight and have been able to do so in a consistent and reasonable pace now that I don't have this bottomless pit of urgency in terms of the insecurities I have with my body. 

But now that my insecurities around my weight are mostly gone, I feel like I have unlocked a layer of insecurities around my perceptions of my own desirability. I feel like my insecurites around desirability was always there but it wasn't in the forefront on my mind as it is right now because in the past, I had this thought that was along the lines of *hey, I'm not ugly, I just need to lose weight and get rid of my stomach.* But now, it's like.. *well maybe I am just ugly.* And I have just been trying to sit with it and process where this might be coming from and how to address it. 

I feel like for a large portion of my life (and hell, even now to a certain extent), I was always labeled as the weird kid to some degree due to my environment. And while I have always been able to make and maintain friendships, I do think that socializing always felt like an upward climb of sorts because I never found "my people" so to say. That said, I do think that I have built up some pretty good social muscles from the upward climb because now I'm in a place where I can still connect with most people on some level and not be awkward even if I don't have much in common with them. So, I'm not like lamenting not being able to fit in during my formative years. I did have a time I mourned this a little but I think I have tried to frame it as *even though you don't have the skill of being effortlessly confident and make friends easily, you do have skills around dealing with diversity, conflict resolution, clear communication etc. that you have built instead.* 

 As for physical appearance, I don't think I'm ugly UGLY but I do think like pretty mid (like a solid 4-5). I think on most days I can come to terms with it since I have other aspects of my life and personality going for me. But sometimes, I do find myself crashing tf out over it. I find that social media is particularly bad for me right now as I'm working through this because the algorithm pushes the most societally beautiful and fit people to your feed all the time regardless of what content you consume. I've had moments where I had to put the phone down, go outside, and socialize / touch grass, or hell, just go to the Walmart near by so I can get out of that head space. Like during Halloween when I went to the rave and the parties, I found my brain feeling healthier because it's like *oh look, there are normal people with a variety of average builds putting themselves out there and embracing their bodies and sexualities. I'm not judging them so I shouldn't judge myself and be too in my head about things.* I also find this video to be pretty helpful: 

Basically, the video talks about how you're not ugly, you're just not being introspective. Everyone feels ugly some time or another, even the most beautiful people. Most of us are average looking and it's pretty rare that people are turning heads because they look disgusting or because they are show stoppingly gorgeous. Being "average" is perfectly fine because you're still beautiful in your own consciousness. And that beauty comes out when we are having a good relationship with our sense of self. And often, ugly doesn't even come into consideration unless we are comparing ourselves to someone else or some arbirtrary, societally constructed standard of beauty. 

I also remind myself of the people that I have found very beautiful and attractive over the years. None of them look perfect. And I don't mean that in a negative way where I'm criticizing someone (while I don't think they look perfect, I don't think they look "flawed" either) but I mean it in a *I like people who have character to their face and bodies and don't look like little  mannequins.* Like if anything, people who look too perfect often give me a little bit of an uncanny valley effect. That's kind of how I feel whenever I look at the cast of Love Island lol. 

I also think about one of the most beautiful man I have seen in person. This was the head of one of the departments in my college. He had a physique and bone structure that I can only describe as statue-eqe. I took one look at this guy and thought *god took his extra time craving that one out of marble while he made the rest of us using Play doh.* He also had a bit of a George Clooney thing going on but then when I searched up what George Clooney looked like... George Clooney looked like a troll next to this guy. If this man was on the cover of GQ, I wouldn't question it because he would look like he belonged and that nothing is out of the ordinary. And whenever anyone would talk about our department and this guy, even if people didn't know his name, once they said *the guy that looks like a gigachad* EVERYONE KNEW WHO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. It doesn't matter what your sexuality or culture is, we all knew this guy was beautiful. 

All that said, I can't say that I was attracted to this guy in the same way that I'm not attracted to a Greek statue. Also... he's like 20 years older than me and I'm not attracted to older men like that. The point that I'm trying to make is that perfection and beauty doesn't always translate into being attractive and vice versa. I think one of the big reasons people don't like being considered average or ugly is that there is an implication that they don't deserve love, attention, attraction etc. I also think there is something to be said on how there are some people who treat people badly according to the way that they look, whether it's because they think the other person is ugly and doesn't deserve basic respect or if they think the other person is beautiful and they're lashing out in jealousy/ insecurity. Thankfully, as your local mid, I do not encounter either of those things. But while I'm happy I don't get pretty girl problems, it is a little sad that I don't get any pretty girl perks especially when you're conditioned to believe your beauty is a large chunk of your self esteem as a woman. 

It also doesn't help when you were kind of labeled as the ugly kid growing up and got asked out as a joke. I can laugh about it now and I can recognize logically that this not the case anymore as we have all grown up, but I guess deep down emotionally it still affects me even though I don't like to admit it. I think part of me is kind of repressed sexually and romantically.  It's not a purity culture thing where I think I'm immoral, dirty, or like I'm violating the other person by having feelings or getting sexual thoughts. Like I'm not violating them so long as I'm not overstepping consent or being disrespectful. I just had a lot of unrequited crushes growing up, not because I'm into emotionally unavailable men, but because of luck and the context of my surroundings. I guess I'm also scared of people rejecting me, thinking I’m weird or creepy for desiring them, especially if I communicate it in the wrong way. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable and violated with my unwanted presence or attention. My default is also assuming that people aren't into me because that's been my main experience thus far (with the exception of my current relationship) and my default reaction to when I realize I have caught feelings for someone is to run away and hide so I don't embarrass myself or make things weird for the other person. And because I was asked out as a joke growing up a number of time, when people do show genuine interest in me, often times my brain either doesn't pick up on it or I think someone is being deceptive. And while my current relationship does help a lot in terms of me not falling into the depths of inceldom, I still think I need more corrective experiences. 

Honestly, after this past weekend, I think I just needed to touch grass. I think seeing people on the internet skews with my perception of what I consider attractive or chopped and what desirability looks like. I saw plenty of people who didn't have perfect bodies pull lol. I saw plenty of normal looking people still be able to have romantic and sexual attention. I think also the topic of desirabilty has a lot to do with power, politics, and culture and it's important to deconstruct that to have a healtheir view of ourselves. And I think for me personally, I need some corrective experiences  in my life because for so long I was labeled as the weird kid and I was put in weird environments that got me viewing myself in a certain way.

Edited November 4 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

A Touch of Incel Depression

I think growing up I was taught that desire was unsafe and that it was for other people to experience. I thought desire was unsafe because it came with rejection and people being disgusted with me and I thought being desired was unsafe because while none of my crushes liked me back growing up, I attracted attention from all the wrong places. It was quite scary being hit on by a 30 something year old man when I was 14 because I was mistaken for a grown woman. It was depressing to have guys my age make fun of me and never really see me as an option. And while I never went down the full path of being an incel where I turned into a ball of hate and resentment, I did 

I wrote about similar things years ago about how I felt like I was being sexualized but I didn't have room to be sexual. I think this goes hand in hand with the notion of desire feeling unsafe: 

I was also reading previous posts and I feel like incel depression and envy is the best way to describe my relationship with my desireability:

On 8/30/2021 at 3:15 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I catch myself feeling salty when people talk about their sexual experiences. First it starts with a feeling of envy, then it leads to anger/ contempt, and soon enough since I repress anger and contempt, it just turns into this sadness. And when people are talking about this, they genuinely can’t tell all of this is happening just beneath the surface because for one, I’m good at hiding it and acting like nothing is going on and two because I go through these emotions really fucking quickly. Like I would say that I go through these stages in a matter of seconds and then I’m left with this incel depression for the next couple days.

I would say what I'm experiencing is about 60% less intense from the time I wrote the segment above. I wrote this segment before I got into my current relationship and back when I was a virgin with no sexual experience whatsoever. I feel like getting into a relationship and as a result having sex semi regularly has helped a lot. But I feel like I haven't fully shed the incel identity. Part of me thinks that my current relationship and the fact that someone loves me and desires me was by fluke luck, like I'm a one hit wonder sexually and romantically. I know better and I know that's not the case but I do think that emotionally I still feel that way because most of my life I was not romantically loved or seen as desired and I haven't had enough corrective experiences to override my initial experiences. 

Speaking of having more social experience more broadly and having more sexual experience more specifically, I think the incel depression also coincides with feeling like I missed out on some of the social aspects of college due to the pandemic and also the social aspects of young adult life because of how the social landscape has changed, both culturally but also logistically. I miss regularly meeting new people. I miss having a sense of social abundance when it comes to making friends. I miss living life along side friends. That's the platonic part of the longing that comes with lonlinees. But then there is a FOMO feeling / grief that I experience when I think of my lack of sexual experience. Part of me wishes that I slept around in college and had more experience with being desired. Again, it goes back to the thing about the corrective experiences. 

I've also been reflecting on some of the recurring sexual fantasies I have including thinking about my professor, threesomes, and orgies. I feel like I could debate to the extent of which I would want to act on any of these in real life and what I would realistically enjoy but I'm going to focus on the fantasy / symbolism aspect of this instead. 

I think about my professor because it's the one time that I felt almost instant attraction. A lot of it has to do with the trauma I had back then as to why I latched on so quickly but I think he is just a recurring symbol of whatever the fuck I'm going through at any given time. Prior to my current boyfriend, he was the last person that I was infatuated with. And as someone with a history of unrequited crushes, there is a part of me that wishes I was desired the same way as I desired him. My instinct when I develop feelings for someone (unless I have proof beyond a reasonable doubt this person likes me back like the case with my boyfriend) is to hide away. Again, 

On 11/3/2025 at 1:01 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I think part of me is kind of repressed sexually and romantically.  It's not a purity culture thing where I think I'm immoral, dirty, or like I'm violating the other person by having feelings or getting sexual thoughts. Like I'm not violating them so long as I'm not overstepping consent or being disrespectful. I just had a lot of unrequited crushes growing up, not because I'm into emotionally unavailable men, but because of luck and the context of my surroundings. I guess I'm also scared of people rejecting me, thinking I’m weird or creepy for desiring them, especially if I communicate it in the wrong way. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable and violated with my unwanted presence or attention. My default is also assuming that people aren't into me because that's been my main experience thus far (with the exception of my current relationship) and my default reaction to when I realize I have caught feelings for someone is to run away and hide so I don't embarrass myself or make things weird for the other person. And because I was asked out as a joke growing up a number of time, when people do show genuine interest in me, often times my brain either doesn't pick up on it or I think someone is being deceptive. 

I also think that my reaction to people flirting or showing sexual / romantic attaction to me is the following. At first, I think I'm imagining it or I assume the other person is just being nice because the last thing I want to be is the girl who thinks everyone is flirting with them. Then, if this continues and intensifies, I think that this person is being deceptive, trying to play an elaborate prank on me, or is simply not serious about me. But then, if you finally make it stage 3 where I'm sure you are serious about me, that's when I freeze up and not know what to do on the inside. 

And because I have this kneejerk reaction to hide away when I like someone, to cover up my red face with makeup, and to try not to be socially awkward, part of the fantasy is being able to unapologetically be flustering around someone who is just as crazy about me so that they don't think I'm weird. If anything, they think it's endearing. 

Then there is the threesome fantasy. I think this has more to do with wanting to feel sexually abundant in my desireability. It kind of goes back to how I feel like my boyfriend being attracted to me often feels like a one off thing. Basically, I think of this audio: 

And finally, the orgies. I think in real life I wouldn't like orgies at all because it seems like an overstimulating environment to be in. But I feel like the appeal for me is rooted in having an exhibitionist streak. I like knowing that I turn other people on. And I think my exhibitionist tendencies are drawn to the fantasy of an orgy where other people are partaking in similar impulses as opposed to having sex in front on an audience. I also think the exhibitionist tendencies are also a shadow to my typical kneejerk reaction to hide away.

Speaking of hiding away, I feel like working in corporate intensifies this when it comes to matters of sex and romance. Just in general, I feel like I cannot be my full self at work and I have to present the most vanilla, watered down version of my personality there. I cannot voice my opinions and values because often they are political and I doubt my coworkers want to listen to me rant about capitalism first thing Monday morning. I cannot be honest about what's going on in my life because I don't want to come off as negative, neurotic, immature, and incompetent. I cannot be fully honest about my joy because some things I'm joyful about might not get interpretted in the best light (I opened up about how travel make me happy and I found out R gives off MASSIVE passport bro energy so I decided to abort mission). And I cannot be honest about my plans and aspirations in life because they are **unconventional**. 

And I grew up feeling like I cannot be sexually or romantically myself, that I need to hide away in general.  But I feel like it's especially true in corporate. At least in my regular social life I can joke about sex, have conversations in a constructive way, and maybe entertain a crush or two. But in corporate, depending on who you're around, that could be a fast ticket to an HR violation because they're simply not work appropriate topics. Not to mention that mixing sex, romance, and work usually leads to messy situations that can upend your entire life and career. Don't get me wrong, I do have coworkers who occasionally allude to their sex lives and I'm not naive to think that no one is engaging in sexual/ romantic relationships among coworkers on the down low. But corporate feels like an extra layer of repression not only in my regular identity but also when it comes to things I'm trying to deconstruct romantically/ sexually. 

TLDR: I feel depressed because I'm envious about other people's abundant sex lives thus causing me to fantasize about my professor, threesomes, and sometimes orgies. I also feel depressed because I'm unpacking feelings of undesireability and repression since for a large chunk of my life, desire felt unsafe due to rejection and inappropriate attention and I didn't have a sufficient amount of corrective experiences to fully override this. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism 

I'm nearing the end of November in 2025 and I feel like I have been mildly depressed for a variety of reasons this year. But I do think that I'm getting better at handling things and I think that I have grown a lot. Much of that growth can be credited to the way that I have been trying to confront my internalized sense of cultural nihilism. 

I started the year feeling a sense of dread politically with everything happening in the world, dread around aging parents and the responsibilities it will bring, and dread around career stagnation and having to work in corporate for another year. 

I feel like getting actively involved instead of nihilistically crying in the corner helped with the dread politically. I think also not judging myself for the emotions that were coming up helped with the depression. I think in my journey with unpacking my internalized nihilism I stopped seeing the way that politics was affecting mentally and the way that I care about the world around me as a weakness. I stopped viewing me having thoughts about different subjects as me overthinking and having an existential crisis. While it doesn't feel great to deal with difficult emotions, I believe that it's better to actively and consciously engage the feelings and challenges , and find fulfillment in that rather than numbing yourself out and disengaging because you think that will make you happier. Because as I have been observing, the people who are numbed out, they aren't happier and their complacency ends up trapping them from being able to build a better life for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel great when it comes to politics but I do feel more confident in the face of what's going on now compared to where I was in January. 

As for the dread around aging parents and responsibility, I do still have this to an extent. Yes, it's difficult to watch my parents engage in not so great habits and I think that has heightened with my journey on addressing the nihilism because I'm seeing the way it's manifesting in my parents. I love them but spending time around them doesn't feel great because they're mentally checking out and living life like a vegetable. I tell my boyfriend this regularly that I do not want us to be the old people who doesn't have any friends and hobbies and who rots in front of a screen all day. I just see my parents as an example of the ways that I do not want to live my life tbh. But I do think I'm getting better at handling this and that I don't shy away from responsibility and challenges as much. I mean, I've never been averse to taking responsibility but I guess there are certain adult milestones that seemed very scary that don't feel as scary anymore as I have been trying to take myself more seriously / not underestimate myself. 

When it comes to the career stagnation, I think have been going through a phase on and off as I have been trying to come to terms with having to stick to my corporate job longer than I would like. I feel like I have confronted some of the emotional baggage around that where I felt like my life is not turning out the way I want it to and that I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like I have been giving myself a more realistic timeline for achieving big goals and various adult milestones which has helped with coping. I also made a couple friends in my job which has helped immensely because I have a couple people I feel comfortable being myself around. That itself has helped me not dread work as much. And finally, I have been making the most of my job and I have been working harder, not to the point where I'm burning out, but to the point where I challenge myself more to avoid falling into the nihilism that drains me. I feel like actively engaging with work socially and in the work itself has helped my burn out around it because so much of my burn out was coming from a lack of passion and feeling like I have to be this super toned down version of myself rather than working at an unsustainable pace. I do feel a little disappointment with the notion that I will be working in corporate for another year but I don't feel the same existential dread I felt before.

I also feel like I have better lifestyle habits and that I actively engage with the world around me more. I think touching grass and doing things that are inconvenient but fulfilling has been a very good experience for me. My apartment is cleaner, I'm working out again, I do little things here and there socially, I met some new people, I decreased my screentime, I go outside my apartment more often etc. Overall, my brain feels like it's in a better place by caring more rather than less. 

I still feel like I can do better though. I still want to do the experiment where I switch over to a dumb phone. I want to get better about cooking since I fell off of that goal. I want to continue trying to make more friends who are actively in my life and improve on some of my social skills. I want to fix my attention span lol. And I want to be more proactive politically as well. But overall, I feel like I'm off to a really good start with addressing the nihilism. 

-----------------------------------------------

While this year has been depressing, I think I am tackling things. I still feel kind of depressed but less so ever since tackling my internalized cultural nihilism. I journalled about some of the things that have been making this year depressing and mid like 3 months ago:

On 8/21/2025 at 11:13 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I think part of it is because this year was mildly depressing. Let's explore why lol:

1. I have been depressed about the break up. I'm no longer depressed about this situation specificallyh but I do think I'm still broadly depressed about the social isolation and the brainworms I got from the breakup do sometimes crop back up since I still need some corrective experiences to overrride that. 
2. I have been feeling an on going sense of dread the general state of the world. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not happy and at peace with what's happening, but I'm not exactly depressed either
3. I have been having an existential crisis around nihilism. I think I'm past the existential crisis phase. I'm still working on my internalized nihilism and I'm observing this more broadly but I have processed much of the emotionally charged parts. 
4. I have been feeling socially isolated and unfulfilled. Yup... I still think this is fucking me up. 
5. And all of this is going on while I'm trying to seem normal at my 9 to 5 corporate job and burning myself out emotionally in the process. I found a friend or two in corporate which significantly take the pressure out from trying to seem normal and putting in more effort on the job has helped my burn out. 

I think to add on the list, I feel like I also have some hang ups around sexual and romantica desireability that I'm working through. So I can add a touch of incel depression to that. I would also add to the list that I have been depressed over the stagnation in my life, mainly careerwise, in September / October, but I would also cross that out now in November because I feel like that has been handled. 

Edited 16 hours ago by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties

Despite being considered a legal adult at 18, I don't think most people start actually feeling like an adult until around 24ish. I think for me, 24 to 26 has been me trying to define what adulthood was and what is considered normal. I think the following posts that I have made over the years really exemplifies this. I know this was a long laundry list of posts but I thought that I'd still include it one category so that it's easier for me to find an organize. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties

I feel like I have been feeling a gap between myself at 26 and my peers who are like 22/23. I feel like I'm on the same life stage as them broadly speaking and they don't feel so far off to where I feel totally out of the loop from them and unable to relate to what they're going through. But at the same time, i do feel like I'm further along the journey from them given everything that I processed above in the list of posts above. 

I think it's so important for us to define for ourselves what adulthood looks like to us personally and also having a more well rounded definition of adulthood. I think if you didn't do the introspection work above, it's really easy to fall in the trap of adulthood = mortgage + marriage + corporate job + 2.5 kids. And not only is that really falling apart in recent days due to the rising cost of living and people grappling with various gender divides, but on top of that, you need to process that deconstructing paradigm so you don't fall into the same traps of a now sinking ship. I think another symptom of people not doing the work is people assuming that there is various deadlines in your 20s and that 30 is some kind of deadline where you have to be married with kids by then. Which can be a dangerous mindset to have because it can cause you to jump into serious and permanent life decisions before it makes sense to do so in a healthy way. 

I know that I'm harking on marriage and kids a lot but I think that those two things were held as the pinicles of adulthood from the previous generations. But also, I think there is other things like having a party phase, getting a college degree, exploring your sexuality more, grieving the loss of a parent, taking care of family members etc. that we associate with a certain age or phase in life but in reality it can happen at any time. Sure, a lot of people have a "hoe" phase in their late teens or early 20s, but other people might have it in their mid twenties or even later. And you aren't "stunted" if you decide to explore your sexuality in your 30s even if a lot of people are married at that age so long as you're going about it in a mature and healthy way. Like for example, I think I'm having more of a party phase now at 26 while a lot of people had that phase during their college years. I did go out in a couple parties when I was in college so I'm familiar with that vibe. And at my age, I do go to house parties and clubs every now and then but I notice that even though my age group still does these things, it's significantly less messy in that I don't have to worry about a friend puking and being sloppily drunk, I don't have to worry about my partner cheating on me, and I'm not dealing with the chaos of 4 random crying girls after a fight. 

I feel like summarizes how I feel about adulthood past the age of like 25. After that frontal lobe has developed, it's less about the developmental phases you and your peers go through on a cognitive and emotional level rather it's more about the unique paths people choose due to their specific life circumstances and decisions. After a certain age, it becomes less about what you're doing and more about how you're going about it and why. 

I also think that after 25, a lot of people start settling and that can mean a lot of things. It could mean that they have identified various long term goals and commitments they want to fulfill and thus have figured out what settling down looks like for them roughly. It could mean settling in to your life where you're much more stable and you aren't dealing with constant life altering events at once. It could mean stagnation and turning into the cubicle fish from Spongebob: 

I feel like the first two kinds of settling are perfectly normal and healthy. I think the last one is the one that REALLY annoys the shit out of me. It's the kind of person who believes they are geriatric at 25 and that their lives are over. It's the kind of person that falls into complacency, apathy, and emotional deadness. These kinds of people do not have hobbies, barely have a social life, are averse to meaningfully and healthily challenging themselves, and their idea of fun is numbing themselves with various substances, money, consummerism etc. They're also very checked out emotionally and cognitively and have no clue wtf is going on around the world because they do not care about anything that does not directly affect them. And unfortuantley, I have met a lot of people in my corporate life like this who are around my age and older. They, and the Spongebob cubicle fish are cautionary tales of what adulthood shouldn't look like if you want to continue to learn and grow throughout your life. 

And I don't 100% blame people like this. I think a lot of people don't have meaningful long and short term goals and they don't have a habit of self education and actively pouring into relationships. So as a result, when they don't have school forcing them to learn and forcing them to be in an environment where they're exposed to different people on a regular basis, they just mentally check out and never pour into those aspects of life. 

That's still something I'm trying to figure out as I'm navigating my internalized cultural nihilism. I don't want to be the person who feels like 25 was the peak and things are just down hill from here regardless of what pop culture and what some of my peers say. And I'm still trying to figure out what settling down looks like for me personally so that I can lead a more authentic life for myself rather than falling in line with a predermined time line. However, if I do choose to engage with something that is typically associated with someone younger, I do also want to ensure that I'm engaging with it in a responsible and age appropriate manner because I'm an adult and I need to hold myself to a higher standard.