Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

At my thursday social spot I am chatting with some actual actors and people who are studying to become actors which is very interesting. I did notice how acting wasnt really healthy for my psyche. But later in the night one of the acting girls there did some kind of mobilty rolls across the room. This triggered me so hard. I love expressing myself and being free so so much. This really is a huge value of mine, no wonder that I was so incredibly attatched to my old theatre club, my love for expression is no joke. 

[Jannes]

13 hours ago, Jannes said:

Gosh I hate survival. I made some friends there, including a bit of a chubby girl and a trans person. They are both super supportive to me, but it seems obvious to me that this is because they are more like outsiders. Its nuts, today I got to eat rice from her when I was hungry. Then I had a little toy and gave it to her to play with and she seemed so so happy about it. She constantly asked me to hold it for the moment when she couldnt while we were playing table tennis to show everyone that I gave her a toy to play with seemingly. Also in the same moment the trans person asked if he could get a taste of a new drink I just ordered. I suddenly got looks from all around the club. Its not a huge deal for me to be friends, but when I am basically the only one not acting like an animal, its like its something special or weird. 

I feel like I am grossly misinterprating this, but whats been said has been said. 

I think its more that people are surprised that I can give something back.. 

[Jannes]

I read a good chunk of the mysterie method like two years ago. It felt like grossly immoral, immature shit. But some bits were gold of information. For example he wrote that when you do enough pick up and you have so much experience, that at some point you read social dynamics so easily you can basically see in the future. I sort of imagine that like a video game where you learn patterns and act accordingly. 

People are not as limited as a programmed enemy but they are predictable when they are attatched. 

 

[Jannes]

So much happened yesterday, I was too tired to write it all down though. 

So the girl I am friends with greeted me in a slightly invasive way yesterday, slightly touching my sides when I didnt see her and had my back turned towards her. Pretty much the exact same dynamic as two or three weeks ago happened where this much closeness felt weird because she kinda made it look like we are in a relationship and I felt bad for not talking about this and making a boundary. 

It felt really bad, like I didnt really want to be super friendly anymore because I felt like people were just using me. 

I saw the girl whom I exchanged numbers with again. It was kind of a weird vibe, she clearly seemed interested, I was reading that right the last time, I wasnt in such a good state though. 

Later I asked her if we wanted to play mario kart though. At the second map or so she put her head on my shoulder and I put mine on hers. That was 100% experience, I was in this situation before and didnt know what to do, but its pretty simple. I asked if she is up for another cup of mario kart and she said no but we could play mario kart at her place. It doesnt get much clearer then that. 

Immediately afterwards I felt such a boost and all my sense of weirdness was gone. 

Thats a perfect parallel to politics, if your survival is threatened all your animal instincts kick in. If you are situated better, you come up with more conscious politics. Thats exactly the reason why right wingers should get support with their survival situation to get more conscious on their own. 

Had a talk with the girl who talked about the wpmi-girl with me afterwards. She also asked me if we wanted to do karaoke before which felt kind of weird. I see her kind of as a therapist I want a professional close-distant relationship with.. anyway we got talking which was okay but also not super juicy. Afterwards she talked about the scenery of fall and generally introduced a romantic-ish vibe. Goddamit it felt like she was one person I could get some kind of support from for some reason but ofc she seems to sense an opportunity as well. 

 

 

[Jannes]

I was pretty cool with everything yesterday and had a boner throughout the night pretty much. But now that I work through everything I have got mixed feelings about it. 

That nothing is personal is a truth that I get confronted with every time I socialize. Its so hard to digest. 

[Jannes]

2 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Later I asked her if we wanted to play mario kart though. At the second map or so she put her head on my shoulder and I put mine on hers. That was 100% experience, I was in this situation before and didnt know what to do, but its pretty simple. I asked if she is up for another cup of mario kart and she said no but we could play mario kart at her place. It doesnt get much clearer then that. 

This situation however did open my mind to new possibilities. I just didnt really know how to get something like this done, so in all honesty I am more interested in casual sex with multiple people then I admit to myself because I fear that I fuck up. 

Not sure how to go about the wpmi-girl now ..

[Jannes]

On 13.9.2025 at 1:02 AM, Jannes said:

I kind of feel like a bitch for not using the opportunities, for example getting closer when I sat next to her. 

I dont want other people to see me as insecure or incompetent. But really that was a trap in the old theatre club. Well I had other reasons for not sleeping around there as well but here there arent as many reasons. 

But because she put so much into it, I kind of held her on the level of a gf material but she wasnt my type so that created confusion. Dont want to hookup with someone I emotionally invested so much into it, that could feel bad. THATS IT, THATS AN IMPORTANT POINT

Here is the evildoer.

[Jannes]

She wasnt quite my type physically. The last couple of times she looked better though. Not sure if she did something with her looks or if I think she looks better because I am invested.

[Jannes]

🍄 - Day

It wasnt really that insightful though. What I find interesting about that is that the one time I was at the festival with this girl eating chocolate, I was way more interested in deep contemplation. I guess my survival situation was handled for in that moment ..

...

[Jannes]

I havent thought about that I can use my medicinet to learn other stuff like kniting. Usually I dont have the calm to learn something new but I can use medicinet to do that and then I have something to do to process my emotions without the medication. 

That might be a plan. 

[Jannes]

Had my first day at university in the semester again. Seems very chill so far. Made a new contact and another girl I also saw asked to hang out. I wonder if she is poly or just very comfortable with me. Its like making connection is effortless. 

Interestingly with this girl I was more able to form a bond or be comfortable then with the wpmi-girl. I think its simply a power dynamic thing, she is younger then the wpmi-girl.

I also think I am just lacking experience with the wpmi-girl. She may open up a dynamic which I cant see and would need to learn first to appreciate.

[Jannes]

I thought the effect wasnt that strong of medicinet but at impro acting today and socializing I owned. It did make a huge difference. 

[Jannes]

On 27.9.2025 at 3:50 AM, Jannes said:

And then this girl who is the girlfriend of my friend told me they were doing poly for the weekend. The girl even asked me if I came today on WhatsApp. But I didnt speak about the elepfant in the room. I didnt want to have sex with her and I was searching for reasons why, for example because I would feel weird getting between them, I am not emtionally stable enough (even though I would smash with other people so she would see that lie ..). It was a little weird especially she literally told me she was on a mission today to hookup. But my flow state tanked a lot and I stayed in a high state all throughout the night. In the end she even asked me directly if we want to smash. I didnt get it though because I thought she was referring to someone else. She sayed "would you?" and because she was just speaking to another guy I said the yeah guy with the red glasses looks sexy, as I thought she was asking me if that guy is acceptable for a hookup as she may needed social confirmation. But I think she actually asked me. This is weird as hell now. From my current state its not a big deal but maybe tomorrow. 

Chatted with her bf who is a friend of mine today. He spoke about their sex life and that they opened up once at festival times. The rules however were that no one they knew was allowed and that that person should never be seen again. 

WTF

This girl is kind of the highest anker of morality I could find

Well, he also spoke about that she was way less experienced sexually than him, so maybe thats what I am offering, an exciting adventure to explore sexuality.