Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

The game actually wasnt that entertaining even though its recommended as one of the best matches to watch. 

[Jannes]

I feel like I am in a suttle stream of shame the last couple of days. The WhatsApp message to the whole group is one part of it. It triggers a ton of shame for some reason. And posting that to like 6 Whats App friends I know also triggers a bunch of shame. 

I think what I have to do is distinguish between triggers from my past and whats actually going on. 

19 hours ago, Jannes said:

There is luxury everywhere. 

[Jannes]

What is interesting, the last couple of days I was pretty happy on my own. Yesterday night as well. I only became unhappy when I felt the need to share those jokes on WhatsApp. They could have been my own source of happiness but I shared them and didnt get anything back. 

Well I also shared them with the girl I was/ am dating atm to keep us warm. 

[Jannes]

The gym is a great place to be. Yesterday I felt my central nervous system being overwhelmed a couple of times as I havent trained as much as I used to. But there are always some kind of hot girls there. I still bothers me that the one time I chatted up this one girl I havent followed t up with a second girl there who was super hot and kind of looked at me invitational. I thought I should be a gentlemen, taling up the next girl a few minutes in between would loose me status points. Well not totally wrong but also I just turned it into a truth in the heat (and fear) of the moment. 

[Jannes]

I hink I need to get outside for the last hour of so with sunlight. Would feel really unhealthy not to. 

[Yimpa]

13 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I hink I need to get outside for the last hour of so with sunlight. Would feel really unhealthy not to. 

I am also going outside soon enjoy!!

[Jannes]

One thing I completly forgot is that I am comming from west germany and now live in east germany. East germany is not as developed as west germany. So that makes me less aware of the current state of develoment in my local area and other people also less aware about my development. When I dont make my development clear, which I am unlikely to do because I havent yet realized that it can lead to miscommunication, some of the points I make can seem like they are from a less developed state. I might imply some basic knowledge on some things which are still contested where I am. 

Maybe I am overinterprating some things here, but this basic dynamic exist to some extend, I just have no idea how much. 

[Jannes]

For some reasons I just remember moments of violence in my life, particularily from an old boxing club I went to. The leader there made a group punishment in accidently kicked me in the liver. Well I think it was an accident at least. But I feel on the floor like a dead fish gasping. I pushed through  minute or so later. 

Another time we were "hardening each other up", giving each other slaps in the face. I had a partner who really enjoyed the shit out of it. I didnt get it and didnt do a much which didnt stop him though. In the end he even had a bit of blood on this had from all the slaps which got through the skin. But I just pushed through the training session. It was the last time I ever went there though. 

Men I feel so dumb looking back. I could have just went away. Especially for the second one, the peer pressure on the second one was probably really strong. What kept me was my masculine ideal, here I say it THE PATRIACHY!! Smoartening up from all the university stuff I am doing atm lol.