Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I think I would strenghten my decision making ability if I found ways to emotionally regulate myself better. 

[Jannes]

The strategy I used for a bunch of my "light-distractions" was using things that require me to think. Like listening to daily news, chess puzzles etc. 

In a way it works because it doesnt make me as numb, BUT its not really good for relaxing. I need stuff that doenst require a lot of thinking but also isnt addicting.

Mmmhh ..

[Jannes]

I have got a bunch of like energy or willingness to do stuff, simply because I was very active playing pokemon the whole day today. 

My head hurts a bit. I bet my table tennis skills suffer a lot because of it. 

[Jannes]

Oh men, I needed to talk to my professor today but I just couldnt think straight. All of this videogaming yesterday really showed. Men I forgot what its like, but it was always like that.

[Jannes]

I overworked my Cold Turkey blocker today. Found many smart ways to make it more efficient, instead of blocking every individual website which is about Pokemon, I just blocked every website that has Pokemon in it. 

I started an Actualized.org block but kept my journal and messange part. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday at the beach was fun. 

At first I had a hard time finding my place in the group, it was very typically "boy-ish" with grappling and throwing each other in the water and stuff and I felt like I was in the wrong place. 

But then I did it a bit as well and it was super fun. I even overdid it, I was just too much into it, which shocked me a bit. I mean I only grappled for a ball once but then with full force. And then I wanted to punch a ball out of someones hand the moment they wanted to throw it but just hit their head with a flat hand instead. I was going too hard in my estimation. The other guys were also grappling but in an easier way. I just dont really get it, either you go full force or not. Maybe it has something to do with me not being used to something likes this, not being socially properly. 

I am left feeling pretty confused about who I am, my prejudice for "too boyish groups" and so on..

[Jannes]

Very aggressive kids are often very well socialized and adapted because the system puts a lot of focus on integrating them into society. So in this way they learn a lot of barriers. 

If you arent that aggressive in the first place you probably dont even learn what proper or unproper boundaries are. 

[Jannes]

I just started listening to a new podcast which is basically about light topics where you dont need to put a lot of attention on. 

I first it was hard to listen to because it seemed stupid and boring but after half an hour it felt relaxing and all my hard to digest political stuff seemed like the crazy stuff. 

[Jannes]

Mmmmhh .. my head feels good. It feels like it is recovering from chasing stimulation forcefully. 

[Jannes]

I really love my pegboard on the wall. 

I wonder if you could built that kind of thing for the ceiling. Like you structurally leave some kind of holes or something like it so you can easily stick things onto it. The same thing for walls. It would make things a lot less noisy. 

Its probably not done because it would be too expensive. 

[Jannes]

I am really bored right now .. bad timing to introduce these blocks, I missed my opportunity to go out today. 

[Jannes]

 

[Jannes]

I crashed watching Youtube on my smartphone. Need to find a block for my smartphone as well. I usually kept that in check..

[Jannes]

Nice, the App Lock me Out seems to work fine on my phone. 

[Jannes]

I CAN BLOCK EMBEDDED CONTENT HOLY SHIT !!!!!!!

[Jannes]

I had the dream that at home in the garden there were very exotic cats. Then 3 or 4 greylions (a mixture of greywolf and lion) at my neighboors garden. Each one had an owner. And then another huge creature which was blind. Also this sorta mix. I thought very hard why you would mix dog genes with cat genes.

This may be because I am opening up to be more sexually active which lets weird people get near me emotionally. 

[Jannes]

I feel like all the light podcasts I just tried are equally okay. 

They all relax somewhat. 

[Jannes]

I dont feel good right now at all. 

That I missed the social opportunity yesterday stings, it was a pretty big group building thing. And there are all writing about the experience from yesterday. 

I am wondering if this is a pattern of avoiding certain events to not face the possibility of connecting with people. 

[Jannes]

I dont even know how, but I am in a super low energy and pretty high anxiety mode. I dont even want to leave my room. 

[Jannes]

I think part of the anxiety can be explained that I feel like I lost a bunch of social skills because I played so much videogames the last couple of days.