Finished the LP course

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I checked out the WhatsApp Group of my old theatre club yesterday, in particular the pictures of the members. I am finally taken out. 

The old theatre club still has such a massive grip on me emotionally though.

I have so much anger. 

I knew I couldnt look at the emotional pain of the loss of the old theatre club straight because I needed to protect myself emotionally. I had so much love for this place, looking at the reality that all my dreams crashed and that I will never have it is just too much to accept. 

Maybe thats why I cant let go off my anger.

 

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Also I partially dont have a Plan B. I am too old to get accepted to an acting school. 

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A lot of unproductive thoughts come up as soon as I dont take my adhd medication. 

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When I think about why I want to do acting, its because of THAT.

I would have loved to play her exploding from anger. 

Expressing such intensity.

Great voice lines, I think there is some potential to express her anger in that moment more creatively. But really I am just building on top of the foundation that this show has created, they did a good job. 

 

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Never watched it with the translation.

4:57 

 

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Oh yeah, I always found the force strong in homeless bottle collectors. 

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These real life war films are kind of addicting. 

Kind of questions my self image, oh well.. 

 

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Come to think of it, I never ever talked about my actual problems with the people close to me. 

That is that I struggle with flirting accidently. My friends at impro dont know about it. My friends girlfriend was willing to cheat with me. A deep struggle and puzzledness about the world stays with me and I cant talk about it. 

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The RV session with my trainer was good. 

Well he told me that when I view and dont get something new and surprising then I dont actually view. I need to try as many times as it takes to get something. 

I got this picture in my head of continuely trying to light up a match on a matchbox but never getting it to light up. A really uncomfortable struggle. Well, thats what I am in for.

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When I take a break from adhd medication and then take it it hits different. A very strong boost. 

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Some of the greatest hits come from playful experimentation

https://youtu.be/QbKOuUfxonQ?t=250

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I have got the thought today that what if I never got the emotional space and attention to talk about some of my problems. What if I cling to that because I experienced it as a child but now I dont get that sort of attention anymore. How would I treat some of my situations differently if I fully knew that I would never get full attention for my problems. 

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Yesterday I just made a short remark about my current flirting situation to my adhd doctor. She was maybe the only real life person who believed me in this. But it seemed she didnt take it that seriously. I mean yeah, I am so sexy and everyone goes razy for me, oh god what should I do is hard to sell as a problem. But it comes with many problems, like not finding platonic friends as easily or having responsibility for many peoples feelings. 

One thing I thought about this morning is that I experience it as a problem so I think it is a problem, but maybe there isnt much of a problem but I resist something that doesnt fit my identity. Maybe the identity of a loner is unconscously baked deep in my bones and now I am in an awesome position which my mind simply interprets as a problem because it doesnt fit my identity. 

There are reasonable problems that come from my position but I also should take the possibility that this is friction with my identity seriously. 

For better or for worse I didnt really feel seen by my adhd doctor this time. 

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Men my meditation today is the most crap it has ever been. Likely because of my adhd medication. I can do work with it sorta but its not good for letting go and connecting with myself.