Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I put my Laptop blocker earlier but it didnt really help in falling asleep significantly earlier. Stood up at 10 because I felt like this was supposed to be my time to stand up now but I am pretty sleepy. 

[Jannes]

Was watching this in the evening. 

 

I have got mixed feelings about it. 

[Jannes]

The point about only being able to be truly good once you have seen the absolute good is really interesting. 

I remember having mystical experiences as a kid so maybe I got a base of grounding through that. 

[Jannes]

Completly failed my first two RV exercises today but nailed the last one. 

Guess I locked in on that one even though it didnt really feel like I did. 

[Jannes]

I notice that RV is more enjoyable. I have less emotionally loaded thoughts distracting me. WAY LESS when I think about how I started, holy shit. 

[Jannes]

My RV trainer is active on Youtube again after a 2 year break. 

I watched a video on how to prepare for RV. Clearing ones mind is important. I will try to do it first thing in the morning before listening to news. 

[Jannes]

So I tried to catch that girl I kinda flirted with last time. 
At first she ran past me which was kind of an ignoring sign, kind of because I never initiated hugs at the beginning. So later outside I go for a hug anyway. Later I saw her sitting by herself, I walk in her direction and her view goes from up to down which felt like a pretty intentional sign so I go past her. My senses are very active. She talks with guy friends pretty much the whole evening and leaves without anything. 

It kinda makes sense. Well it's hard to imagine what she is going through when it was pretty obvious that she had interest to hookup and I didnt take the chance. Kinda difficult to find a transition. 

On the other hand she may have talked with people from the old theatre club. If they talked shit about me my blood will boil. 

It's already boiling just from conceiving the possibility. 

It's probably nothing but still. 

[Jannes]

I realized today just how top notch my mental clarity is. It was so mudded from Video games YouTube etc. and now there is basically none of it because I consume pretty much none of it. This was a dream back in the day and now it is reality. So I can socialize better .. it's always better in fantasy but yeah socializing feels much better then watching YouTube the whole day. And I am probably just at the beginning, this can get much better. 

[Jannes]

Well, I am just hungry in the morning, so RV first doesnt seem like a good idea. 
Or I could train myself to do it first. 

..

I was still pretty emotionally invested from yesterday, so I couldnt fully relax into the session but it went better then expected. 

I am just much more conscious and in the moment I notice. Its not as painful to not be distracted anymore. Although I still have a long way to go. 

[Jannes]

But I didnt listen to news in the morning and that kind of changed everything. I was listening to news for about 30 mins before and now none of that. 
I have also pretty much zero interest to do it afterwards. 

Its kind of good, as it puts me into a state of more peace but also bad because I think it was a good thing, that I listened and understood news more. Maybe I can kind of make an evening routine. 

[Jannes]

Its getting much warmer outside, spring is coming. 

And with it emotional spring awakening. I am not sure if I am ready for those emotions. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday I was looking forward to socialize the whole day but then an hour before I got pretty scared. 

Its similiar right now, I was hyped to go out and now I am pretty scared again.