Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Just finished with my (working) desk. I placed an arm on the side which holds a multifunctional plate where I can add or reduce functionalities. Atm I place my pens and papers there which leaves my working table completle empty. Only the items I use atm are on the table. I am so happy with this result. My working table is the place where I am a good chunk everyday so you gotta built a nest that suits you. 

[Jannes]

Idea for a pretty dark piece of art.

A flame burning a whole in a piece of paper. Around the lighting flame is the paper gradually degrading. However the degrading is reinterpreted as something beautiful. Directly around the flame which is the light, are beautiful, godly-ish patterns which slowly become less and less as the the further away the paper is from the flame where it becomes "normal". This represents death as the light and the living world as away from god. 

Not sure how that would sit with suicidal people though. 

Edited Friday at 06:40 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

My RV practice wasnt that good today. I think its because I am still processing so much of what happened yesterday. There is always so much going on socially that its much to process. 

[Jannes]

Went out again today. 

The energy just continues to be that good. I really stumbled upon a key there. 

[Jannes]

Men I have some masochistic tendencies it seems like ..

I wanted to epilate parts of my inner thigh for a cleaner look. I bought some creme which reduces the pain but I was sceptical that it would have side effects so I wanted to see if I can push through it raw. It was very painful but accepting that kinda put me into a drunk state where I could face pain and just in a way accepted it. I ended up epilating my whole ass. Wanted that anyway but shyed away from it because of pain. I will have a smooth but for the next month and WILL enjoy touching myself. 

[Jannes]

And I feel really alive, holy shit. 

[Jannes]

Wanted to enjoy some me time today and am currently binging Rick & Morty but it sucks, I am bored. Would rather do something.

[Jannes]

Pretty sexy style .. but the amount of time it would take to think about your appearence .. not so sexy ...

 

[Jannes]

When you think about someone practically, what they practically could be in your life you are going in the wrong direction. 

The right direction would be the question if you want to "eat a cake, kick a ball, lay there in silence" with them RIGHT NOW and organically a solid structure will follow from that. 

Although the practical aspect isnt wrong either, who nows where passion leads you .. 

Maybe I differ there a bit from Alan Watts. 

[Jannes]

I really freaked up the last time at my social spot I feel like. 

When I sat next to that girl all her friends left us two alone. And generally it seemed like a lot of people were in on it that I could take her.

Well I stopped at some point because I just couldnt find something to talk about with her. I once sat next to her, said nothing and that was it. 

Thats where all your imaginations about a person crumble, you ACTUALLY need to talk to her 1 on 1 without expectation and IF something nice happens like attraction thats good but you cant expect that. Thats why overthinking about someone is stupid, because your thoughts are never reality. 

Edited Sunday at 08:23 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

I find it fascinating how messed up charismatic people can be. 

But thats because charisma is part of survival. Before you go out you overcome fear and develop charisma to get social support. 

Some people seem so boring, I feel like they would need help to not drown in their insufferable boredem, but oftentimes they are the healthiest ones because evidently they never really got pushed. Making very strong generalizations of course. 

[Jannes]

After impro today a girl in our group told us that she would go on a date with someone. 

I previously indirectly rejected her but still that triggered me somehow. 

So I spoke about my last experience on friday to get on an even playing field I thought to myself. 

But really it was really unequal BECAUSE I rejected her before. I am just not grounded enough in that. And as a result I am in a way pretty brutal. 

Edited yesterday at 09:36 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

A few months ago we had this opportunity to chat alone after impro. 

I once used the opportunity and then back to back didnt take the second opportunity because I didnt know how I would end the conversation if it came to it. 

..

That is so typical that in the last moment I suddenly change me mind. She is changing her home multiple hours away. 

[Jannes]

I enjoy laying on the floor and doing nothing.

[Jannes]

For some reason I thought about high school this morning.

It was a very bad time, so many missed opportunities. 

I had a time where I ate nothing but sprouts because I deluded myself into some kind of health bubble. I had so little energie at times but I just didn't listen to those symptoms of my body. I wonder how that affected my development as I had a very monotone diet for about a year, so I could have damaged some things. 

All the way till high school my experience was just sad from bullying. One year before high school I made huge progress as many of the bullies were gone. My heart was full of passion and love but the friends I had didn't want to open up to other people and kind of blocked me from making more experiences. In retrospect of course I had ways to get around that. Anyway something in me just broke at this point and I completely isolated myself. I wanted to enter a bubble of sovereignty where I could completely understand the world. I wanted to jump into the Water where Mewtwo jumped in. I knew there was this place somewhere. I think I tried to connect back spiritually. Well and with my limited knowledge I ended up doing this crazy diet to detox and listening to binaural beats to open my third eye. 

I collected myself a bit after high school but then Corona hit. Then I got into my old theatre club where I had some happy glimpses but that story also fell apart. 

The struggle has been so long, maybe that's why I can't really articulate what happens when I make social process, because I can't really believe that real change is possible after all this time.

[Jannes]

Had a RV session with my coach today. 

He gave me the tip, that I should view longer till I go into my head. I already got that tip before, its probably my biggest hurdle. 

He also gave me the tipp to try out some different approaches. He now gave me the exercise to write down a feature of a the target which I can then view and either say its correct or not. That can help to relieve the mind if it always thinks it has to come up with something, as some sort of construct is already created. 

[Jannes]

I am now at the library of my university. 

I got a lot better when I had a place to work through my emotions on Discord and this may be even better. 

I think the whole social dynamic, especially with that girl with whom I missed the chance kind of works through me. Especially because it is likely that she is now aware of the story of my old theatre club, so this continues the plot which I dont want - but I am attatched to it. 

[Jannes]

Being in the library doesnt solve my problem fundamentally. 

I still have a hard time working through my emotions and I am not really productive. 

Although inner progress isnt always that easy to detect right away. 

[Jannes]

I am kind of empty and open for love.

Interesting.