Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I remember back then I saw this movie with a friend. Two things I always loved about circuses, well three things:

One the show itself. Bringing people into awe seems like a very noble thing. 

Second the picture-esk train rides in Disney movie. When the train drives through a beautiful landscape in the evening. You climp on the train and can see the stars ...

And third being kind of a weird and in some aspects overpowered person. 

Most of it is simply adhd I think. 

The first thing for sure, the second thing also as I constantly look for a place which is both peaceful but also stimulating so I can process my emotions. 

And the third as well, the search for finding people where I can really express myself. 

...

Interestingly I kind of forgot my high energy aspect of myself. Well I am expressing it to a certain degree, kinda contained, at my social spot. But high energy/ adhd people around me could get me to new heights. 

 

[Jannes]

Stimulating

 

[Jannes]

On 25.5.2025 at 10:58 PM, Jannes said:

Weirdly comforting:

 

Made me remember this one

[Jannes]

I am in such a decision overload right now. I can book for tomorrow or not.

I dont know what I want to do tomorrow honestly. I have got my disco which I am just maybe going to. 

I could talk to some friends and do something. 

I dont want to pay for tomorrow gnnnnah but it gives me lots of options, like I can go outside a bit and then go back and chill as I like. 

Its kind of a no-brainer .. 

[Jannes]

Partying is so though. 

When I feel all the insecurities creeping up in me, all the times I didn't take opportunities for moral reasons which now manifest as a lack of nessaccary confidence. Most of the time it's not that noticeable but at a disco its survival on crack. 

There is this sense in me that I need to get justice for it. But really and that needs to sink in, I won't. I was moral and kept my soul intact but it will hurt me materialistically. 

[Jannes]

"If you need help why dont you let yourself get abused?"

[Jannes]

He is a prediccament I found about my feelings. 

Survival power is sexy. I found the kind of girls who can manipulate and cheat interesting BECAUSE they have survival power and yet the very same that puts me off.

So thats what most Dating is about, is finding the right balance of survival powers, roughly matching the energy of the other person. Bone on Bone/ clinched in. 

Unless people are spiritual, that creates freedom.  

[Jannes]

The more you can get exploited, the more you will get exploited. 
I wonder how it would be in my old theatre club now, being much more stable, or how it would be at my social spot now, being much less stable. 

[Jannes]

Today at impro I integrated more emotions. 

Before a game started I always got an emotion and that helped me immensely. I was actually pretty freed up afterwards, something I rarely ever felt. Huge! 

Got me thinking that I maybe need more structure in general.

[Jannes]

Why I left the old theatre club without much talk is pretty simple.

In terms of power dynamic, the old theatre club was much stronger then me. I alone couldnt stand up against a group. 

What I would have critiqued about the old theatre club would have affected most of the people there and it wouldnt have been acceptable for them. 

So I would have gotten gaslight in some way. 

[Jannes]

My interest in sex was kind of reignited yesterday after doing impro.  

It seems to be connected to my emotional state a lot. 

[Jannes]

Men Jeffrey Epstein was incredibly smart. Thats kind of a trippy thing to acknowledge. 

 

[Jannes]

Thats what acting is all about, the little details. 

Well at least thats what I love about it. 

 

[Jannes]

Went to the other social spot alone today but it also helped me immensily get in warming up. And in the end I reached a light form of state!!! 

[Jannes]

I need to remind myself, that I have plenty of sexual opportunities. That I dont follow any one of it suggests that I dont really value it. 

Today at my social spot I was around a girl I vibed well with. But I dont know if I would really want to sleep with her, getting so near with somebody feels kind of too much. 

[Jannes]

The juiced up look is interesting. Relatively small chest and huge delts. Giant forearms as well. 

[Jannes]

Fried again. But pretty good night though. 

The hugging problem comes up again though. So a dude I barely ever talked to but who is kind of in our group gave me a hug today. AAaaah, this complicates the whole power dynamics thing, because when I give him a hug again but refuse to do so with other people, but doesnt it seem rude to not hug him ... blablabla 

..

It cost me an enormous amount to give someone a hug first. The underlying structure is that I am not truly confident in myself socially I think. 

..

I gotta give this new girl I have my eyes on atm a new name. She was constantly there for like a year and kind of grew on me. She has good style as well. I could combine these two and call her something like butterfly which both grew and is also stylish but I think I just stick to sylish. She is the stylish girl. 

I got this kind of love letter either from her or her friend which might be a pretty difficult situation. 

Men I got pretty tired at the end. I went to a restaurant with friends before which was great as it warmed me up socially but it was also a lot. So I am afraid that my small talk skills werent on point. We kind of found this group though which might grow somewhere. 

[Jannes]

Thats a blackpill and one I intuitively struggled with for as long as I wanted to be attractive to females. 

Especially in the realm of sexual/ romantic attraction, on the one hand you want to be a good guy on the other hand attraction is quite clear that nice guys arent that attractive. How can you be nice but show that your teeth are intact? 

I have got a lot more to say on this, my unconscious needs some time to spit it out ..

I got to a deepening of my position on this though. It is very clear that these dark traits are attractive but it is also clear that these dark traits are animal instinct based. So you can let them go ... ah well no, if I think about it, boobs and ass are also that and I am not letting those go .. 

 

[Jannes]

Whoaaaa so 2 things. 

I tried medicinet today again. Small 10mg dose just to try it again and see the effect it has on RV. It doesnt seem to improve my practice it seems like, it might even take my ability to view away. I am more emotionally stable though. 

And the other thing, I experimented with Cold Turkey some more and realized I can put certain Youtube channels on the exception list. This way I can copy the videos and watch it here. I already found ways to watch some videos, so in this way I can make it maybe a bit more consciously. I am thrilled that I can watch more of Vlad Vexler from now on. 

[Jannes]

If I simply unsubscribe to all the Youtube channels I would block then I can use the Youtube site relatively normally, clicking from one channel to the next. I can just not watch the videos on Youtube. Hmm maybe there is even a way around that when I only block the main youtube page specifically and not individual links. Hmm ..