Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

On my hostel trip in Berlin again. A bunch of pretty intense memories came up just being in this mindstate. 

And I also thought about two girls I am both good with at my social spot atm. I fantasized that we could maybe have a relationship all together and the faces other people would make if I told them that. And I actually developed feelings.

And that made some things pretty clear, for one a relationship partner is definitely status signaling for me. 

And second I just think that I havent found my match yet. I didnt take all the opportunities I have got for development bc of integrity so there is still a lot of insecurity I have got but below it all I think I am hot shit and I deserve nothing else then hot shit. Thats where I can find my romantic feelings. 

[Jannes]

I remember back then I saw this movie with a friend. Two things I always loved about circuses, well three things:

One the show itself. Bringing people into awe seems like a very noble thing. 

Second the picture-esk train rides in Disney movie. When the train drives through a beautiful landscape in the evening. You climp on the train and can see the stars ...

And third being kind of a weird and in some aspects overpowered person. 

Most of it is simply adhd I think. 

The first thing for sure, the second thing also as I constantly look for a place which is both peaceful but also stimulating so I can process my emotions. 

And the third as well, the search for finding people where I can really express myself. 

...

Interestingly I kind of forgot my high energy aspect of myself. Well I am expressing it to a certain degree, kinda contained, at my social spot. But high energy/ adhd people around me could get me to new heights. 

 

[Jannes]

Stimulating

 

[Jannes]

On 25.5.2025 at 10:58 PM, Jannes said:

Weirdly comforting:

 

Made me remember this one

[Jannes]

I am in such a decision overload right now. I can book for tomorrow or not.

I dont know what I want to do tomorrow honestly. I have got my disco which I am just maybe going to. 

I could talk to some friends and do something. 

I dont want to pay for tomorrow gnnnnah but it gives me lots of options, like I can go outside a bit and then go back and chill as I like. 

Its kind of a no-brainer .. 

[Jannes]

Partying is so though. 

When I feel all the insecurities creeping up in me, all the times I didn't take opportunities for moral reasons which now manifest as a lack of nessaccary confidence. Most of the time it's not that noticeable but at a disco its survival on crack. 

There is this sense in me that I need to get justice for it. But really and that needs to sink in, I won't. I was moral and kept my soul intact but it will hurt me materialistically. 

[Jannes]

"If you need help why dont you let yourself get abused?"

[Jannes]

He is a prediccament I found about my feelings. 

Survival power is sexy. I found the kind of girls who can manipulate and cheat interesting BECAUSE they have survival power and yet the very same that puts me off.

So thats what most Dating is about, is finding the right balance of survival powers, roughly matching the energy of the other person. Bone on Bone/ clinched in. 

Unless people are spiritual, that creates freedom.