Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I am not feeling that good today and I dont know why. 

Well an ex-female member of the old theatre club unblocked me. After 2 years or so randomly. My only explanation is that she talked to the older old member of the theatre club which I talked to with whom I talked about a girl I am seeing at the social spot often that he knows who told him about me which gave her a better feeling about me. 

Maybe that just brings me into this old role. 

Hard to say why I am not feeling good. 

What I also need to reflect on is that I definitely could be friends with so many people. I just hesitate and turn my back bc I dont like the feeling of connection or I am not used to it. But then why am I not that confident? If I deeply knew that I was likeable then wouldnt I be confident? So I dont know if my resistance is actually stemming from a perceived sense of not worthyness when I would actually like to connect or if I actually do not like connection. 

I also seem to be very unaware of which kind of connections are good for me and which arent. The social spot seems to drain me a lot. Monday seems to built me up a bit. Well categorically 1 on 1 conversations feel much better to me then groups. 

[Jannes]

I am also not really initiating a whole lot. 

With people I like I can make the first step. Why the hell do I not do it .. 

Also everything points to a self help group. I think I could gain a lot from it. 

[Jannes]

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands". 

 

[Jannes]

RV-thoughts:

Maybe I am scaling down my charisma because I fear that I am liked too much, because that would put me in situations where I need to connect constantly which I am uncomfortable with ... Overweight women were often raped, so that extra weight is kind of a felt protection shield. 

When people callibrate their emotions they change their state of consciousness depending on the situation ... In a limited way we have the power to form our consciousness. 

I forgot to put attention on non-symbolic consciousness when RV. That was the trick before and I forgot about it. There is a difference between saying "no thoughts" or "lets switch to "non symbolic consciousness". The first signals a complete shutdown while the second just changes my attention. 

Thought and awareness are so strongly linked in our understanding of the world, I really hit some of the structure in which we think here. 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

I already feel uncomfortable about this thread. It slips out of my "non-ego hands". 

 

Its going much better then I expected. I wasnt sure if I actually presented all of my fears correctly but it does feel like I get an answer to a question which feels authentic. 

[Jannes]

Too charged to clearly think about it though. 

[Jannes]

Met my doctor for adhd today. 

I didnt come with notes.

I mentioned my social problems again and she mentioned that she would be willing to help if I wanted that. Damn. She always seemed pretty cold so I am not sure about it, but in the moment I agreed to it. She said I can think about it until then. 

Also got an App which I dont quite understand yet but it seems I am getting support there. 

For medication I could get other options as well. I am not sure if I want them though.

[Jannes]

I am kind of off track with my spiritual work. 

And I completly forgot that it may be possible to get 5meo malt. 

Magic Truffles dont really work on me anymore for soft theuropeutic work, but I havent yet experienced God realization. 

[Jannes]

I like Open Source projects, they are something good humanity did. 

I also always thought about sort of extending that to community farm projects where people create self sustaining systems powered by AI, farming crops and all that and sharing their knowledge. The question is just how far you can you go with creative intelligence and a 3D printer.

It inspires me when I look at Minecraft Farms who are just built for fun. I imagine a bunch of Minecraft Bros after highschool who dont want to go to work be like, "Hey why dont we create an AI farm for real". 

 

This could be an important element. Leaving society seems scary though. 

 

Edited yesterday at 06:13 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

This guys thumbnails always remind me that things are so much cooler in fantasy then in practice. When he sits there in his made bed having this image in mind is so much nicer then his actual first person perspective of mud and darkness. Of course he could have made it a nicer home, there is lots of room for improvement but then the fantasy of that place rises with it. I feel like how it is in fantasy will always trump how it is in practice.

...

Is being lost in video game fantasy the way to go ? 🤪

 

[Jannes]

I opened up youtube a bit for entertainment and its starting to make a bad turn. I just cant controll myself in watching "good" content, I just start binging at some point and also dont consider doing anything else as long as I can distract myself. There are two components neccissary for healthy habits though, one the Youtube block as a push, but I also need a pull, some kind of motivation to do something else. 

Right now RV and studying feels like the right thing to experiment with, I am a bit disconnected from spiritual work and I socialize. It feels like something is missing though. I actually miss some kind of job honestly, something that gives me structure. A part time job would be nice. I kind of dont want to go back at working at the grocery store though, partially because I feel older now and already had the status of a teacher once. But the grocery store was nice. Well no it was shit, but I enjoyed my free time more because of it and also processed so many emotions doing monotone tasks. 

[Jannes]

Its been a long time. I was more cringe in my memory then I actually was. Ofc pretty misguided still. 

On 12.9.2021 at 6:57 PM, Jannes said:

I recently started self inquiry for spiritual awakening. Leo said that awakening can take roughly 1000 hours maybe even more. I recently started to increase my self inquiry session from 1 to 3 hours daily and I feel strange headaches and confusion. I can kind of guess what I have to go through and I already feel how my ego is really good at talking me out of this path especially because I still have doubts that this path will really get me enlightened etc. I already talked to some of the people on the forum who say they got enlightened or had enlightened experiences and that really motivated me.
If you are also on the journey of spiritual awakening I would love to hear your experience because I really want to get my ego excited: Have you ever had an enlightenment experience ? If so how long did it take you ? How does your self inquiry routine looks like ? Are you enlightened ? If so how long did it take you ?

[Jannes]

This is counterintuitive, when women say they want casual sex and men ask them for more then that is a much deeper bond then if they were forced to commit to a relationship if they wanted sex. 

So even if women want a relationship, for it to be healthy the attitude to get it might need to be more free.