Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Had an insane productivity drive today simply because of Elvanse. My To-Do Wall looks so empty. 

[Jannes]

Even went to the gym afterwards. No energy though but I got through it. 

[Jannes]

Went to the hairdresser today to get the pony done because I need some kind of guidance. 

It was pretty weird, the one I had haircuts with before cut my hair and I wasnt sure but it felt like there was some underlying tension. I expected that as I showed him that I basically dont need him anymore but it hit different, it hit in an actual way. 

Told him the sides were good, only like 1mm needs to be cut and he went right away and cut my sides to 2mm (from 7-8mm). Not sure if he misheard or if he was annoyed by all of it and wanted to feel like he actually had something to do. Didnt immediately recognize just how short it was and couldnt go back anyways so I didnt say anything. For the pony I described that I wanted huge disparities in the hair length. He did half of what I said and said that would be the maximum of what would look good. Didnt want to mess it up so I accepted it although I did remember that I could bigger disparities before and that this looked great. 

I feel like people on the streets were less warm to me. I might look more right wing now. Or I look very attractive and people feel intimidated. Put on a colourful chain for compensation. Obviously stupid conformity games. But it feels awful to be put into a category you dont want to be put it.

[Jannes]

Things I learned from the hairdresser:

He cut more free space around the ear 

At the top you can cut your hair with a crown and electric razor by putting the hair into a position to be cut with the crown. I only used scizzors, so that may be better

Appearently the back of my head didnt look so good, at least he commented on it which would make sense. Maybe I need a better mirror

For the pony he made vertical cuts with a slight tilt. Maybe 15 Degree tilt. And the disparities were a few centimeters. When I shake my hair though it looks like more

Very short sides look good. Even 2mm

Hair powder gives a huge wow boost. I could use it more

Edited yesterday at 02:54 PM by Jannes

[Jannes]

A girl I know just sent me pictures of me at the club this saturday. She made an insane snapshot. I thanked her a lot and after a bit of back and forth with hearts throwen in I added that I would love to return the favor in some way if there is something I could do (implying sex). Its so unholy, I would delete the message right away if I could. She made obvious attempts that she would like to hookup in the past but it still feels inappropriate, using and perverting a moment of genuine friendliness. Well maybe she also wanted to come close who knows, but I shouldnt expect that, so moral points lost on me. 

[Jannes]

I feel all sorts of emotions about writing this. 

I guess I shouldnt write anything I wouldnt ask in person. 

I am such a .. something. 

[Jannes]

8 hours ago, Jannes said:

I feel all sorts of emotions about writing this. 

I guess I shouldnt write anything I wouldnt ask in person. 

I am such a .. something. 

I was socializing again so I got into my social state and it daunts on me a bit that it was likely pretty cringe. Oh no. 

[Jannes]

Got my sleep routine so well in check that I am actually super tired right now. Even hours ago. Thats not workable either though if I regularely go out. 

And I got a sore triceps of all things. Altered the technique on my seated triceps extension machine yesterday to put more load on the end contraction part instead of the stretch and it seems to did a lot. Its hard for me to feel my triceps and to get it sore so thats cool. 

[Jannes]

Something changed today. I was more forward then usual, not taking myself back as much. Still plenty. I think I could manage the overload pretty well or was grounded enough somehow. 

At the end someone asked me and another guy if we wanted to chill outside and I told him I would love to walk some range with him but would be too tired to chill. So we did that. He said goodbye with a hug this time even though he rarely ever did that, I was shocked. I was just very forward in my interest. People interpret me not being forward as desinterest or something as that would be natural. 

[Jannes]

Fucked up my sleep routine again. Job well done. 

Edited 4 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

11 hours ago, Jannes said:

I was socializing again so I got into my social state and it daunts on me a bit that it was likely pretty cringe. Oh no. 

Its raining feelings of guilt. 

Why is there such a big gap between what I am conscious of and what I can actually make happen? 

[Jannes]

This piece of art is terrifying.

[Jannes]

Some RV side notes:

Does harmonizing higher orders of intelligence help smaller forms as well? for example less war -> less chaos for bacteria?

 

all my social skills were opened when I opened up to the one girl at my old theatre club (3 years ago lol). in the same way opening just a little yesterday unlocked so much. 

 

I need to find ways to built healthy connections with people but people with whom that is possible bore me because I am conscious that I could do some much more.