Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I felt a bit emotionally unstable in the gym today and right now as well. 

Not sure why. Maybe because I lowered the dose. Or maybe because I am not in my routine anymore. 

[Jannes]

Got through the seminar today. 

The situation with the girl was weird, well I made it werid but I handled it. In the end she was talking with someone else and didnt make any gesture towards wanting to leave with me so I shaked my hand and said goodbye. It felt freeing and healthy. Like I was vibing with her but I wasnt glued to her. Good to make that dynamic conscious. And I wonder if thats still the momentum I have from Berlin. 

[Jannes]

Have 3 options to go to today, 2 meetings from my university or my usual social spot. And I dont feel like going to any of them but I dont want to miss out on chances. I think I would be most comfortable with my usual social spot but then I run into the same problem, its stagnating there. 

[Jannes]

So I went a little late to my social spot today. 

The proud girl didnt greet me, whatever she seemed to realize last time, it seems to be over. If I only knew what it was. 

Its sad, she is the hottest girl there and kind of the only gf material.

That kind of put me a bit into a rage, I am loosing opportunities left and right because I want to do things fairly, because of the wpmi-girl I lost the mario kart n chill opportunity etc. 

So one time I got out of the table tennis round I saw a girl I saw plenty of times and just talked to her. She is kind of friends with a whole group I am hesitant to approach because the guys seem super protective at times but really they are mostly just fuckboys themselves. Well the talk went okay but something else confused me way more. Another girl I previously talked to but was blocked by from one of her friends super smiled to me and entered the conversation. She almost hugged me for a goodbye but then just waved when I didnt go along. She seemed so happy that I approached the girl, because I guess that builts a bridge for her. It was so wild. 

The guy then came to kind of protect her as well. She giggled a lot. He is good. But he cant keep them all to himself, he is around like 4 girls.

If I crack that group then I will really drown in possibilites. But really I would just like to have one gf when I am honest with myself. 

[Jannes]

Going out so late yesterday was just so much, I dont want to socialize today but I am gonna force myself to do so. 

I also opened up this new opportunity with this group of some girls. I am kind of afraid of it, maybe I cant handle it. 

I dont know where all this exhaustion is coming from. In Berlin I was exhausted as well but I was also in flow. Here not so much. Although when I approached that girl I experienced an Up for some time. I think I know that I need to make shit happen and I dont want to fail. 

[Jannes]

I dont really make a distinction of how I treat a relationship partner to how I treat a stranger. Well I "learned" to make a bit of a distinction. Uncivilized me didnt make a distinction. And it confused me how people could select whom they shower with love and who they leave out.

Adhd medication makes distinguishing more possible. And life experience as well, I loose when I spread my love like this. 

Awful world. 

[Jannes]

Socializing went well today. Should have come earlier though. Generally I felt like I was more confident then usual. I feel like that time in Berlin helped so much, the momentum is still going. 

There is a girl I kind of vibe with and I didnt talk to her directly but we played a groups game so we built a bit of contact through that. 

Still have problems with whom to hug and who not to hug. There are some obvious choices and grey zones and I cant handle the grey zones at all. And the people in the grey zone seem confused as well. Aaaaagh 

[Jannes]

My sleep routine is getting out of hand, slept like 10-11 hours today. I dont really feel refreshed afterwards. 

Maybe socializing just costs me so much energy. 

[Jannes]

Progress: i actually notice how thinking screws me in RV

wanting to do it "right", is doing it wrong. NO THOUGHTS!

..

Didnt help with my RV results though, still shitty. 

[Jannes]

Did 2 RV sessions today and 2 yesterday, so I am free for the weekend. Am at home with my parents for a change and will either stay or go to berlin or back to my city, not sure yet. I am sure I am going to love to make that decision tomorrow. 

[Jannes]

I had an insane dream a few days ago on 4.12. and I still havent written it down yet so here we go. 

So I had some great insight into reality, I saw how reality actually is, like that reality has different states and these states all happen simutaniously .. and I dont remember the rest. 

I felt like I was in my genious zone, like I didnt just feel intelligent, I actually felt like I grasped some absolute intelligence because what I was grasping was the actual fabric of reality which IS intelligence. 

So I wanted to write that gold down. Unfortunately I only had a smartwatch on, so I typed extremely slowly on there. Then I messed it up and had so start all over again. Then some dude came in talking shit and wanted something and I just said the few things that were nessecary to remain conscious of my insights while also getting him out of the room. So I got him out and was just about to finally write it down then some random ass fat women with warrior spit screamed and ran at me, jumping at me with a lethal attack, and I was so annoyed by it all, I was like, just kill me, I am going to write it down now and this wont break my fassade. So she made her lethal jump and my determination made it so that she was like a hologram, not fassing me. I think I even remembered resemblance to how my mom once broke me out of a deep meditation. Only after the third time she jumped me did I wake up from the dream. Not sure if I woke up in a new dream or actually woke up. I couldnt write down my insights anymore though. Well I wrote down that highlighted bit. 

[Jannes]

20 hours ago, Jannes said:

I am sure I am going to love to make that decision tomorrow. 

...

So its weird, I dont even really know the girl anymore yet we were so super close for a short time last time. I kind of like it, but its also quite a lot. I wanted to reestablish the connection mainly for friends and a way to stay but my brain goes into a complete different direction, mainly if I want cuddles and intimacy or not. 

[Jannes]

Visiting my parents I traded emotional stability for social anxiety. 

I kind of need of group which gives me both, a foot in the door socially but also emotional stability. I kind of have it but not really. 

[Jannes]

Went out with friends in my city and it went surprisingly well. 

There were so many things happening that evening, most notably was probably me meeting a few people from the old theatre club and kind of re-befriending one of them. 

Also did an approach. Also had lots of fun. 

In the end after I said everyone goodbye I saw the girl I hooked up with 4 weeks ago now going to the spot so I drove with my bike towards her and just said like, its weird when we kind of pretend we dont know each other, just wanted to say hi. Something of that sort. Had a very short conversation in which I replied to the question of how many people are in the club. She was with a guy there who was shorter then her though. I kind of felt like he was more of a platonic friend. She very clearly said BYE though. I did it because I was in the perfect vibe to pull it off and I dont think I did anything to wrong in a vacuum but maybe it was a romantic partner of her, or she was embaressed about the night etc. Definitely could have triggered something. It was pretty hurtful but I had so much success this evening in other areas, at least I have a super clear direction of her now. Cant win em all. 

[Jannes]

Sleep was terrible today. 2 Days without medication and I experienced my full adhd self again. It was kind of scary actually. 

Took a 20mg Elvanse dose today and it brings me back for better or for worse. 

[Jannes]

Made it through the day really well despite being sleep deprived. 

20mg Elvanse worked great today. Well right now I dont think I could socialize well as I lost most of the effect but most of the day went well even into the night with impro acting. 

No conclusions on Elvanse yet. 

[Jannes]

Tomorrow I have a RV session with my trainer. Its well overdo, after 30 sessions you get one with your trainer and I am at 48 now because I havent dialed in a medication routine yet.

Its a big deal, maybe he can correct some things. 

I was afraid that I wouldnt follow through on RV so I thought I better start with one session a day instead of not doing it at all. That was a clever strategy back then but maybe I can go up to 2 sessions a day now. I really want to learn the skill or fail asap for future planning. Cant rely on it as a building block yet but am also to comfortable to look for other options as long as this may be possible. 

[Jannes]

Doing RV actually isnt that bad as it was in the beginning. 

I also learned to follow through in a session. I still have plenty of thoughts at times but they dont lead me to crazy contemplations like it used to be which is why I dont write my daily RV insights down anymore. 

[Jannes]

So I just had a session with my RV trainer today!!

Got some new tools, mainly a site with targets where I can view 5 things and then immediately check if I was right or not. This way I can see my mistakes and or what what I done right way faster. 

My homework assignment for the next session is 15 regular RV sessions and about 10-12 hours of practice on this new site. 

I also asked if I would need to pay tax on the 50 Euro payment for the session and he said it would be up to 190 Euro starting at 5 Euro and yeah I need to pay tax depending on my country. Its not great but I would still get most of it. Damnit I should have asked immediately why 5 Euro, I thought it starts at 50 Euro, but the question was such a vibe killer. Will put it in my next Email next to some other questions. 

____

But the main advice for improving my viewing was that I am not actually looking at the target, I am looking into my head afterwards. 

I also noticed this about myself and made the analogy with how people in Berlin flirt way more openly and directly instead of me shying away from it. 

You need to throw your whole mind into it. 

He gave the analogy of a dog which is running away in the forest and you scream the name of the dog and become completly open to any impression. 

I need to work on finding ways to opening myself more in this way. 

Its natural to struggle at this in the beginning, everybody struggles with this at the start.

 

Edited yesterday at 11:56 AM by Jannes

[Jannes]

Need a new daily routine for my practice to stay consistent. 

The new short rv sessions have 5 questions (instead of 15) so I am gonna do this:

A) 4 short sessions, or

B) 1 short session followed by one regular RV session

..

This increases the workload. It would be intuitive to do either 3 short sessions or 1 long session but I think one short session before a long one is required to see how well I am doing.