Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

On 15.8.2025 at 5:16 PM, Jannes said:

I love the world between worlds in Star Wars. I wonder what the source of the inspiration for creating such a place was.

"This mystical realm connects all of time and space, creating a conduit between the living and the dead. Those who control this plane would possess mastery over all of existence, but gaining access has proved an unexpected challenge."

―Darth Sidious

I read a bit in the RV book and there is a section where they try to express what the source of information for the remote viewer may be and the description pretty much perfetctly matches what this artistically expresses. 

[Jannes]

Because I am so sensitive because of adhd, I can craft a much more clean version of love then many other people. 

On the other hand Trump has adhd so ...

[Jannes]

 

Back then I loved this scene from Wolfenstein. Thats a proper bad guy. 

[Jannes]

On 11.10.2025 at 3:53 PM, Jannes said:

I saw the girl whom I exchanged numbers with again. It was kind of a weird vibe, she clearly seemed interested, I was reading that right the last time, I wasnt in such a good state though. 

Later I asked her if we wanted to play mario kart though. At the second map or so she put her head on my shoulder and I put mine on hers. That was 100% experience, I was in this situation before and didnt know what to do, but its pretty simple. I asked if she is up for another cup of mario kart and she said no but we could play mario kart at her place. It doesnt get much clearer then that. 

Immediately afterwards I felt such a boost and all my sense of weirdness was gone. 

Thats a perfect parallel to politics, if your survival is threatened all your animal instincts kick in. If you are situated better, you come up with more conscious politics. Thats exactly the reason why right wingers should get support with their survival situation to get more conscious on their own. 

This is the exact dynamic which explains how I quit the friendship with my old friend. I was in a relatively strong survival situation and was very idealistic to help him. When my survival situation was really really compromised I broke up the friendship to get a boost which I had given away for free. 

I still think most days about it, its plaguing me. I broke up the friendship in such a painful manner. I want to write something but most of what I wrote was just true, too harsh to digest though. But I dont know how I could correct this, because I couldnt take all my words back without lying. 

[Jannes]

Looked through an old discord chat with him. He posted this in the chat sometime ago. 

What I find interesting about it this intense drama catches me so hard. Especially from the last of us, I would love to inhale all the drama and pain and suffering. What is that all about, I thought thats something bad and to avoid .. ? I think it also makes you conscious of how much you love things.  

 

[Jannes]

I feel like with medicinet I am more prone to get addicted to youtube and become lazy. Or I just notice more that I already am. 

I feel pretty sick from my minds point of view, like consuming a ton of junk. I think if I have the talk with the wpmi-girl then a lot of pressure will be lifted which hopefully will make my youtube addiction more managable. 

Didnt make process with kitting unfortunately today, it kind of sucks learning it from video. 

[Jannes]

I feel like without medication I often gave hints to people that they should make the initiative. With medicinet I realize how much initiative I suddenly take. 

An issue before was that I didnt even feel like I invested anything into another person, now  when I take the initiative this feels way more healthy. Also because I take the initiative more there is more and clearer choosing on my end what I want. 

[Jannes]

Whats weird is that I constantly expect to be unliked for my new medicated behaviour. I dont really have the same sensitivity as before I feel.

[Jannes]

When I dont have dopamine in my system to bullshit, also raw truth remains ( ? ). 

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

When I dont have dopamine in my system to bullshit, also raw truth remains ( ? ). 

Because I just realize how much more I am able to manipulate. 

[Jannes]

Goddammit, I just managed to get a new trainings partner girl. I wanted to get clear with the wpmi-girl first though. 

[Jannes]

Went for a little night walk outside. I dont even know what I am doing flirting with everyone. I am just interested in a relationship with one girl. I dont even care about sex really, so there is like no reason why I would chase that. 

[Jannes]

I wrote the wpmi-girl yesterday evening how her weekend was going (setting up to ask for a walk which she offered last time)

However shortly after she didnt reply I noticed that I kind of hoped that she wouldnt reply because I wouldnt really know what to say at the walk. I am not that emotionally invested into her, its just that I kind of already acted like and hold space for something special and this variable needs to be grounded with reality. There is potential to form this into some other thing, I just dont like this variable. 

But also I feel like I am responsible here.

If she would just not respond, then this variable would at least manifest itself and I would have a clear direction. 

[Jannes]

I feel like almost everything I built without medication socially is bullshit. I kind of need to start from the buttom. Which is no problem though with my new skills. 

However when I dont take my medication anymore maybe the exact same thing will happen, that I feel that everything I built then was bullshit. 

I am still at a low dose though, so it shouldnt be that drastic. WAIT, its already pretty drastic..

[Jannes]

Had my first introduction session for my Remote Viewing training today. Went okay-ish. My trainer said my concentration/ focus is fine, however I take to much time when I describe the essence that I view so that my mind takes over. Which is true, I struggle to articulate the essence I view through my intuition. He said however that this is a natural process, that the mind needs to learn to take the intuition as soon as it comes. 

Will have 30 sessions of training on my own until the next training session comes. It feels good to have something to work towards, finding my own motivation would be hard. 

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

I wrote the wpmi-girl yesterday evening how her weekend was going (setting up to ask for a walk which she offered last time)

However shortly after she didnt reply I noticed that I kind of hoped that she wouldnt reply because I wouldnt really know what to say at the walk. I am not that emotionally invested into her, its just that I kind of already acted like and hold space for something special and this variable needs to be grounded with reality. There is potential to form this into some other thing, I just dont like this variable. 

But also I feel like I am responsible here.

If she would just not respond, then this variable would at least manifest itself and I would have a clear direction. 

So much for that plan. She wrote me, telling me openly that she didnt feel good on the weekend and asked if we wanted to go for a walk. 

Cant really dodge that now. 

I kind of feel like I am obligated to go which is the wrong attitude all together as that could make it shitty. But really after there was so much in the air, I feel like its important to ground it. 

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

So much for that plan. She wrote me, telling me openly that she didnt feel good on the weekend and asked if we wanted to go for a walk. 

Cant really dodge that now. 

I kind of feel like I am obligated to go which is the wrong attitude all together as that could make it shitty. But really after there was so much in the air, I feel like its important to ground it. 

She says she forgot karaoke with a friend beforehand but maybe has time despite it..

Well I think she is uncomfortable with a talk so I slithered out of the situation tomorrow.

This situation never should have happened in a way, because either I would be to sensitive to even bring up a serious talk (pre medication) , or I would be stable enough so such a misunderstanding wouldnt have happened. 

I am not even sure if she was looking for something serious or just a short romance but I feel like she expected to be more in charge of it all. Or maybe she fears rejection from my end. 

Its just sad that there was so much energy in the room which never manifested itself in any way. I do have some kind of emotional attatchment to her, I am definitely not unbothered with how this is going.. 

If I do built romantic interest however I have the chance to show it. 

[Jannes]

Whats painful is that I think I deeply value deep connections/ relationships and I pissed away a decade of opportunities. That may just be too painful to look at. Welp its not like I didnt put in effort.

Some of my most beautiful experiences actually came from opening up and supporting other people. Like with my ex f+ whom I supported when she had a pick up or another girl who I visited at a theatre show. Being there for other people might be something deeply important to me. But when I am taken advantage of so often, that value has no way of manifesting healthily. 

[Jannes]

The way how my adhd-self, and my medicated adhd-self are in contact is through truth. Because I cared about truth without medication, I understood all the dynamics happening which are now just proven and made more clearly through direct experience. 

[Jannes]

Did my first RV session with my new protocol. Got almost everything wrong and it wasnt that fun. Just a sober analysis. 

Good that medication helps with stamina.