Jannes

Finished the LP course

839 posts in this topic

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. 

I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though. 

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8 hours ago, Jannes said:

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. 

I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though. 

That went horribly. Well she said she was okay with talking but it was all a little weird. She came a little later and then first chatted with some other people outside before greeting me. We had a nice chat. Another girl I had a difficult dynamic with also came after quite some time. I flirted with her quite a lot before but didnt want anything romantic so I stopped and then she didnt come for some time. For some reason she seemed super interested and into flirting with me. Well we catched eyes once and shortly afterwards the wpmi-girl went outside for a break. Not sure if she catched that. She seemed a bit distant. And then at some point she decided to go. I asked if we dont want to talk anymore and she said she doenst has capacity for it today. I prepared myself emotionally so much and then just didnt need to do it. 

For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. 

Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then. 

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I think the wpmi-girl just wants to feel saught-after and in power and I am not giving her that feeling. This might be why she is constantly chatting with other guys to get that sense back. 

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I am super confused with what this evening even was. 

It was kind of a fever dream literally. 

I think the wpmi-girl wants me to be genuinely interested in her and is hurt when I am not. 

..

The medicinet is wearing off. It was amazing on monday but was kind of shit afterwards .. mmh ..

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When I got to my social place yesterday and looked at everybody I was so confused. Like how did I make all of these friends? How did they get to me? How did this happen? When have I ever made a choice?

There is another girl at the social with very strong adhd and she has a lot of older friends who seemed to really appreciate her for some reason and I always wondered how this dynamic manifested itself. 

..

With adhd you are less focused on yourself. 

So much of this flirting that I did happened naturally because I didnt focus so much on myself which for other people is more of a rarety which is why they value this more and also take it more personal. 

I have less ego motivation to be friends with someone for egoistical reasons, for example matching status or gaining status. Which is why I cant engage in certain ego bonds. I talked with a psychologist a few years ago about not being able to make "cool" friends. But its a more profound issue then they gave me credit for back then. 

Also when I perceive someone as threatlike then I cant really process these emotions as good which is why I wont engage as much with high status people. 

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13 hours ago, Jannes said:

For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. 

Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then. 

I wrote the mario-kart-n-chill-girl that my situation is a bit complicated at the moment and that I would text her when things become more clear. 

I feel so free and happy to go to my social spot now. 

 

I could already explain in theory why I have many social problems from not standing up for myself etc. but now I see it in practice. I just had less of an egoic force which created a bad survival situation for myself which made me struggle which made it difficult to connect. 

Also I thought when I am as egoic as I am that I wouldnt find people because I wouldnt be interested in such people but everyone has this egoic force to themselves so its fine, people expect it. Everyone expects each other to be as egoistical as they are. 

However with adhd you couldnt even really replicate that. You could make an expression of this egoic behaviour but it would be so transparent that it wouldnt really work. If your in the gist of it you naturally hide it.

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19 hours ago, Jannes said:

I wrote the mario-kart-n-chill-girl that my situation is a bit complicated at the moment and that I would text her when things become more clear. 

I feel so free and happy to go to my social spot now. 

Saw her at my social spot. What felt terrible was that some guy seemed to chat her up and she seemed interested, although it was just a short exchange. This would be one of the freeest and most moral lays I could ever find and I am not taking it because I want to keep the opportunity with the wpmi-girl. I am really putting her on a pedestal I just notice.

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My conscious experience with medicinet is just so different from normal sober that so much changes. I already made insane progress without it so maybe this is the wrong path. I think its worth exploring nonetheless though. 

What I can say is that it doenst really seem to make me happy. I feel in the hands of the lord of survival which makes me feel irritable and always on track and idk what else. 

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I think the reason why I have people around me where I have the survival edge - so to say,  is because I am bad at creating boundaries so I spent time with people who cant overwhelm me. And with my new abilities I experience myself drifting more towards higher caliber - so to say. 

Although thats not totally true as well, because one I never really bonded with anyone and second I did spent time with people who already had relatively high status.. well kinda. 

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The RV-instruction book for my training arrived on thursday and today I read about a third of it. Its not much text at all and I already spotted like 3 spelling erros which makes it authentic but also gives it a bit of a low quality feel. The main part of the training are the personal sessions though which I am excited about and also the possibility to ask questions. My trainer said that after about 270 sessions I could work on (paid) projects. Will see how that goes. Good that university isnt that stressful atm so I can get both things done. 

Also learned to at least learn level 1 in knitting. It sucks that I can only watch left handed videos but its okay. Knitting COULD be cruical for many things at once, 1) to process emotions, 2) to stay aware for RV, 3) to not fall into Youtube addiction, etc. Will see. 

Overall not a ton of work done but it is work nonetheless and in the right direction. 

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I am really getting addicted to youtube again. I am just copying videos from youtube to this journal and watch them. It has gotten to such a habit that its difficult to quit, it would completly change my whole day already. But its also hard to gradually decrease.

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When I browsed today I got sidetracked by porn. And I found one particular scene so heartwarming. Maybe its just because sex can be a very emotional thing. I could make a little collection of little gestures of love I saw in movies and such which actually melt me. 

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Because with medication accepting closeness, regulating excitement and fear from people who I hold in high regard, the perspective of a girlfriend actually become much more realistic. 

Didnt expect that. 

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I am realizing that basically every social connection I have is in some way abusive. Even with the "low status" folks who I am more comfortable around, they try to gain the most possible. And thats simply because I couldnt set boundaries because conflict overwhelms me. 

What I wonder is, is it just that my actual egoic side is less pronounced or just less visible? 

And how do I go about it, because I think its just not possible to face conflict with adhd. I could either stay on medication forever, or I could find ways to be happy on my own or close to. When I learn to knittng for example to process my emotions and go to bars on my own to socialize but never to fully connect with people, or MAYBE find other adhd-folks to chill with when they play in the same league .. hmm ..

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25 minutes ago, Jannes said:

There are two things which I dont like about it.

One is that it feels like she kind of has strong ideas and concepts about me which arent the real thing. For example I had a tendency to smile and "flirt" with basically everyone which she may heard about. It was just an expression of free love for me. I did reduce it a lot because it created a lot of confusion. Now at the beginning when we saw each other she often reciprocated that smile or went for it first, it seemed personal for her though and for me it wasnt and never was. So I felt like she interacted with an idea of me she had in her mind instead of the real me. 

But when I still appreciated her emotional side but then say it wasnt personal for me at all, thats a double standard. 

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