Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. 

I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though. 

[Jannes]

8 hours ago, Jannes said:

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. 

I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though. 

That went horribly. Well she said she was okay with talking but it was all a little weird. She came a little later and then first chatted with some other people outside before greeting me. We had a nice chat. Another girl I had a difficult dynamic with also came after quite some time. I flirted with her quite a lot before but didnt want anything romantic so I stopped and then she didnt come for some time. For some reason she seemed super interested and into flirting with me. Well we catched eyes once and shortly afterwards the wpmi-girl went outside for a break. Not sure if she catched that. She seemed a bit distant. And then at some point she decided to go. I asked if we dont want to talk anymore and she said she doenst has capacity for it today. I prepared myself emotionally so much and then just didnt need to do it. 

For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. 

Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then. 

[Jannes]

I think the wpmi-girl just wants to feel saught-after and in power and I am not giving her that feeling. This might be why she is constantly chatting with other guys to get that sense back. 

[Jannes]

I am super confused with what this evening even was. 

It was kind of a fever dream literally. 

I think the wpmi-girl wants me to be genuinely interested in her and is hurt when I am not. 

..

The medicinet is wearing off. It was amazing on monday but was kind of shit afterwards .. mmh ..

[Jannes]

Medicinet be like

[Jannes]

When I got to my social place yesterday and looked at everybody I was so confused. Like how did I make all of these friends? How did they get to me? How did this happen? When have I ever made a choice?

There is another girl at the social with very strong adhd and she has a lot of older friends who seemed to really appreciate her for some reason and I always wondered how this dynamic manifested itself. 

..

With adhd you are less focused on yourself. 

So much of this flirting that I did happened naturally because I didnt focus so much on myself which for other people is more of a rarety which is why they value this more and also take it more personal. 

I have less ego motivation to be friends with someone for egoistical reasons, for example matching status or gaining status. Which is why I cant engage in certain ego bonds. I talked with a psychologist a few years ago about not being able to make "cool" friends. But its a more profound issue then they gave me credit for back then. 

Also when I perceive someone as threatlike then I cant really process these emotions as good which is why I wont engage as much with high status people. 

[Jannes]

13 hours ago, Jannes said:

For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. 

Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then. 

I wrote the mario-kart-n-chill-girl that my situation is a bit complicated at the moment and that I would text her when things become more clear. 

I feel so free and happy to go to my social spot now. 

 

I could already explain in theory why I have many social problems from not standing up for myself etc. but now I see it in practice. I just had less of an egoic force which created a bad survival situation for myself which made me struggle which made it difficult to connect. 

Also I thought when I am as egoic as I am that I wouldnt find people because I wouldnt be interested in such people but everyone has this egoic force to themselves so its fine, people expect it. Everyone expects each other to be as egoistical as they are. 

However with adhd you couldnt even really replicate that. You could make an expression of this egoic behaviour but it would be so transparent that it wouldnt really work. If your in the gist of it you naturally hide it.