Jannes

Finished the LP course

813 posts in this topic

I am becoming a lot hornier. 

When I become emotionally more healthy I become hornier. So there is a natural balance accuring, because not commiting and fucking around does not help with emotional health. 

Maybe I only ever wanted to become emotionally healthy to use it to fuck around. 

I am a devil. 

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You can reach high social states by stealing love from other people. When I approach a bunch of people who might be interested in more but dont take that road but just go to the next person you can start to float. 

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On 6.3.2025 at 7:21 PM, Jannes said:

"Deep love could heal me could kill me." - that was the main insight of my last mushroom trip. I crave deep romantic love so deeply as it could really heal some wounds. And I have quite a few yet I always had a feeling that they were healable. But I am so afraid of deep love because when it goes wrong I wouldnt know what to do. I am so sensitive to it, it could kill me. It feels almost like a gamble.

 

What if I fear that when I finally built a connection that I will react to it through a trauma response which means that I would push back or something and that this will break up the connection and that I cant deal with THAT.

I had a childish relationship in school once. And at one point I dont even know what happened but I pushed her back, I couldnt take the closeness anymore. Afterwards she distanced herself a lot and I didnt even know what happened and why. Only through retrospection later did I remember my response. Thats kind of what I fear maybe. 

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An insightful evening. 

So that girl who put lots into it came again and immediately went to me for a hug. The vibe was immediately on for about a minute. Then we went to play table tennis and it was just so full I couldnt really get the vibe going. 

The girl whom I talked about it was also there and observed the whole thing. She said that I look very interested and seem happy and she also seems very interested. But I really dont feel too much. Mostly just overwhelm. I notice that its important for me and I dont want to screw it up but I dont really feel emotions towards her. 

Her observation was also that she doenst really know a distance, she has no problem getting close to people. This is like the opposite of whats possible for me, too much closeness and I feel overwhelmed easily. 

Maybe that explains it, the first moment we met I was still pretty open and then I closed rapidly.

She went to a different place and said I could come if I wanted. I wasnt really sure about that place though so she said she would tell me how it is there. She didnt text though. I sent her a picture of the game we were playing at our spot. That seemed to change a lot in me. I was finally invested and checked my messages every 20 minutes. Also thought about what she might be doing and with whom.. But I also seemed to open up a bit more. And maybe most importantly I felt understood by the girl who talked to me. 

The artist girl was also there. She definitely was a bit more distant on a subtle level. I feel like I overreacted slightly yesterday. Interestingly though if she didnt didnt distant herself subtly today I wouldnt have questioned myself at all and would have felt like I was right. We arent all perfect, moreso we are opportunist and the like and dont even notice it about ourselves so some things need to be put into place with power gestures. 

 

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I am possibly just not ready for a relationship. 

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I woke up to an unholy time today. Things are getting out of control. 

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This is more like a Youtube shitpost, but the writing here is absolutely brilliant. 

 

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Its way to late to still be awake, my sleep routine is really fucked. 

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I am not sure why I havent written that much in my journal the last couple of days. I unblocked Youtube kind of and I guess that addiction eats me alive. 

Just making a short break just makes me rememeber a few important things I wanted to write!

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So I saw one of my old school students in a store today. And my reaction was quite different to usual. Instead of being kind of ashamed and afraid I was super cool with it. I would have no problem chatting with him shortly. 

I just gained so much social confidence the last couple of weeks and months and also a lot of inner peace and clairity as well. My problem as a teacher was partially a lack of having these social problems and of course I wouldnt look confident in school as a result and was easy picking. It would have been a completly different game had I been more confident. 

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The situation with the wpmi-girl (who put much in girl) is also interesting right now. I just feel completly overwhelmed. I cant take that much closeness in all in once. I feel like she really tries to make it work but its a bit much for me. Wow just articulating that for myself feels freeing. But now I kind of want her though .. 

I am just not comfortable that she throws so much effort and seemingly admiration on me. I dont have much power in this dynamic. Thats how smart women rule over men though. Gosh I feel like I sound like an incel.

No, I think she just heard stuff about me and wants to give me the feeling that I am appreciated and safe around her and it does work out somewhat but not completly. I would rather see her authentic side a bit more. 

And if she just wanted to smash then that much emotions arent healthy for a hookup. 

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The better I feel emotionally the more I am open for intimacy.

But still with feeling better right now, I dont really feel like it. Which is interesting because I chased intimacy before kinda. Maybe I am just more conscious right now of what I really want, or maybe the connection from socializing gives me some of what I am looking for in sex. 

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Missed a few chances for plays at my old theatre club. I kind of played with the idea of going again but really I didnt feel any strong urge to do so again. 

One reason seems to be that I saw some of the members or ex-members of my old-theatre club and they didnt really want to hang out with me. I was just basically 3 years constantly emotionally unstable and leeched onto them in some way. I wasnt really emotionally strong enough to stomach the fact that they didnt really want me. Well no, they did like me, but they didnt want to deal with my emotional unstableness. 

But yeah so I finally stomached that a few dynamics with some guys werent honest connections and really I dont know what I am looking for there. Well I do know but its a high emotional price to pay. I just remember the last time I was so confused for days. There are very few people, well basically just one girl atm I actually care about and some other people I appreciate and then some potentential connections but also likely burnt ones or ones which would take a lot of effort to built .. or I could just chill with my new people there. 

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Just getting of youtube and doing some reflection really opens up my emotional processing. No wonder I was so peaceful the last couple of days, my emotions are scary. 

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Got a message from a friend this morning who wants to know whats up and how I feel. I was happy to hear from him the first 30 minutes after waking up, same with the wpmi-girl, I thought we could just go for a snack and then do something sexy or talk or something ..

But I get into my patterns very fast and I dont want to open up nearly as fast just a few minutes later. 

I already wrote my friend where I opened up quite a lot.. 

The reason why I sometimes push my own boundaries is because they are disfunctional. But maybe I cant escape them. Maybe I need to respect my own disfunctional high boundaries because thats the only way I ever get comfortable.. ? I dont know. 

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I feel bored.. GOOD!

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6 hours ago, Jannes said:

Got a message from a friend this morning who wants to know whats up and how I feel. I was happy to hear from him the first 30 minutes after waking up, same with the wpmi-girl, I thought we could just go for a snack and then do something sexy or talk or something ..

But I get into my patterns very fast and I dont want to open up nearly as fast just a few minutes later. 

I already wrote my friend where I opened up quite a lot.. 

The reason why I sometimes push my own boundaries is because they are disfunctional. But maybe I cant escape them. Maybe I need to respect my own disfunctional high boundaries because thats the only way I ever get comfortable.. ? I dont know. 

I wonder if this is like the most objective way to look at this. Basically I dont know which inner voice I should trust.

6 hours ago, Jannes said:

The reason why I sometimes push my own boundaries is because they are disfunctional. But maybe I cant escape them. Maybe I need to respect my own disfunctional high boundaries because thats the only way I ever get comfortable.. ? I dont know. 

This would be to follow the voice of reason. 

I dont know what the highest intelligence here is. 

Interestingly thinking and feeling seem to be pretty balanced in my personality type, maybe this is a situation right here where this manifests. 

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This is basically how I feel about it right now, I feel like I cant breathe:

 

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I dont feel that good right now. I kind of isolated myself for three days now, gotta get out there again. I had a few partying options but didnt feel like it, my social spot with table tennis, games and light talk was perfect. Maybe I shouldnt hold onto it too much though, there isnt always a guarentee that thats available. 

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Went to bed so early that after 8 hours of decent sleep I woke up to the same time I went to bed yesterday. 

I just kind of felt tired and sniffed my chance to turn my sleep routine around and it somehow worked. 

...

I dreamt about school a lot, especially a classmate I didnt have much of a connection with but who somehow appeared sometimes in my dreams and we were cool here. 

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