Jannes

Finished the LP course

827 posts in this topic

I enjoy time on my own right now. I feel like even though a natural balance takes place in that I naturally need some time off after socializing a lot or need connection after long isolation its also true that the more I socialize the more I crave it and the more I am on my own the more I crave that. 

I feel like I exercised a lot last week, had a good rest now to the point of getting comfortable and now I dont want to get back into exercising. 

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Great social evening today. Guess the lesson is to isolate yourself in your room for two days and watch pokemon videos to boost your social skils. I had so much energy from taking a pause though, maybe thats the right lesson.

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Just watched an old video of myself commentating video games. I have weird emotions about it. I definitely wasnt happy in that time period. It all seems a little forced. Its still the same but not as much. 

Because of adhd I experience things very intensily and have a sort of humor that not everybody can relate to. And I am also sensitive and stuff. Maybe thats why I never really opened my core and why I want to open up to some other adhd people. 

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I have lots of mixed emotions going to my social spot today as I will meet like 3 people at least where the relation is kind of weird. I really feel how I pressure myself and how that is weighing on me. The way is through ofc. 

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Its such a survival pot this social spot on thursday, so many people at once, combined with having weird connections with some of them there. Its hard to get at ease there. And when some people leave many of the attractive girls arent there anymore and I feel exhausted.

That girl that put so much in didnt come today. This was one of the reasons why I felt unease coming today, I really couldnt take all this closeness so fast, even though I really enjoyed being around here.

On the other hand its nice being around the artist girl. 

These are so many dinamycs which are emotionally pretty though for me. 

Tomorrow is play time at the social spot on wednesday, wohoo ...

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What is interesting is that usually I like to analyze all the social dynamics happening but I get less and less interested in that. Well things are pretty obvious and for the ones that arent, thinking endlessly about them doesnt really help. 

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The machine for EKGs at my doctor got repaired so I can get it on monday finally to then get medication. 

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Just looked through my old drawing App on my iPad from like 4-5 years ago. It jist captures some fragments which are interesting though, I still struggled with some of the same problems, especially finding a group I feel comfortable in seemed like one of the top priorities. No surprise that I committed so hard to my old theatre club. What was different was that I seemed much more horny and now I feel kind of uncomfortabe with sex even. 

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I watched way too much youtube the last couple of days. Woke up and the first thing I did is connect to the dopamine line by waching some youtube. Hard to even walk the trash out without it. Well thats also partially because of adhd and that happened before but at least I got through the day somehow without watching so much before. I guess like any other drug it helps to disract me from the emotions I experience atm, which are overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy which I internalized and am confronting right now and so on. 

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What the hell was this evening.. O.o

So I went to the social spot and a lot happened at once, table tennis, dart, karaoke, mario kart ... it was a great spot. 

Saw the artist girl there, she wore a neon tango visible above her joggers. I was kind of questioning for whom I built interest there, it seemed like she is the kind of girl who fishes for attention and I am just one of the people who fell for it. But she was indeed really cool so far, cant judge her for anything so far, it would be ungrateful even. I am puzzled a bit. 

There is this girl I am kind of friends with and who is often around me and she went for a hug this time. Its difficult because she is often so close to me that it kind of seems like she is my gf which is bad when I want to game. And recently it also felt like she got a bit attatched and demanded a bit of closeness. She seemed kind of hurt today when she was on her own and I didnt get as close to her as she probably wanted. It was emotionally pretty though, I needed to really face what my value were, empathy kicked in a lot. 

Then there was this group of girls I wanted to approach the whole time but I was too scared. Then finally a window opened. Two of them were playing mario kart and the coach besides them was open. So I sat there and watched them play which wasnt weird at all. Afterwards I even joined their group for a game. One girl I built some eye contact with left. I talked mostly with a guy who sat besides me and couldnt find a way to talk to the other girls without making it obvious I was using the guy to built up my state. 

I left the spot but I tried. And I FINALLY REACHED STATE. So it seems like reaching state is just about facing your fears. I was in such a flow state afterwards. From that place I talked to a girl who was friends with the artist girl and she straight up asked for my number. Damn ..

And then this girl who is the girlfriend of my friend told me they were doing poly for the weekend. The girl even asked me if I came today on WhatsApp. But I didnt speak about the elepfant in the room. I didnt want to have sex with her and I was searching for reasons why, for example because I would feel weird getting between them, I am not emtionally stable enough (even though I would smash with other people so she would see that lie ..). It was a little weird especially she literally told me she was on a mission today to hookup. But my flow state tanked a lot and I stayed in a high state all throughout the night. In the end she even asked me directly if we want to smash. I didnt get it though because I thought she was referring to someone else. She sayed "would you?" and because she was just speaking to another guy I said the yeah guy with the red glasses looks sexy, as I thought she was asking me if that guy is acceptable for a hookup as she may needed social confirmation. But I think she actually asked me. This is weird as hell now. From my current state its not a big deal but maybe tomorrow. 

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I feel like I need to do lots of foreplay to compensate for my rather average size but that is emotionally more intense then just straight banging I feel like. Meh. Also I am just not that used to it anymore. 

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What a cool dude. It also helps that he is good looking. 

 

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If there is one thing I couldnt do its rapping I think. I sometimes saw myself in this scene in particular, I would just stand there overwhelmed. 

But there is a lesson I took away, for Eminem to be invincible to his last opponent he needed to own all of his weaknesses. 

I know everything he's 'bout to say against me
I am white, I am a fucking bum
I do live in a trailer with my mom
My boy Future is an Uncle Tom
I do got a dumb friend named Cheddar Bob
Who shoots himself in his leg with his own gun
I did get jumped by all six of you chumps
And Wink did fuck my girl
I'm still standin' here screaming, "Fuck the Free World!"

 

Edited by Jannes

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I sometimes had little bursts of crazy energy I remember a few years ago. Where I felt in touch with myself but it was so much crazyness and so far away from who I was that I coulnt express that really. 

This artist girl is kind of the manifestation of who I wanted to be. This place is perfect atm. 

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I am sooo tired, I didnt even notice. I thought that getting enough sleep would need to be enough especially because I chilled most of the time yesterday and today as well but no.

The girl asked me if I go to the club with her today, obviously asking to smash as she was very transparent about it but I dont want to. It sucks for her, sucks for our relationship, sucks for future possibilites but thats how it is. I kind of thought about her being part of my closer friend zone potentially, but this probably wont happen now. Its unhealthy but I am kind of prepared to let people go very fast now, I dont attatch pretty much anymore. I am just a little scared that I wont have anybody. Well the connections with male friends are constantly deepening but just much slower because I would prefer female friends. Whats true remains.. 

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Everything is chemistry. Every thing that manifests is made out of a chemistry of things around them. Yet every thing is also responsible for creating every other thing in this chemical process. 

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I dont know how to feel around the artist girl. Yesterday it was awesome as it felt like she had such a high vibe and was inviting me openly in her world a little bit. Today I felt a bit like one of many suckers who orbits around her.

I really dont feel in my power today is the thing, so yeah thats how the dynamic changes depending of where I stand. 

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Oh wow, I didnt realize how many options Headspace offered for uniquely tailored meditation. I really like the semi guided timer meditation, the dude reminds me every 4 mins or so to get on track which is perfect. 

I felt so not in my body starting the meditation, just somewhere else in another stratosphere or sunken somewhere in low in my body, it was really weird. Then I felt this chi like energy again. At this point I experienced it so often I can recognize it though its weird and alien. Tried to play with it a little, what its properties are and how to bend it and so forth and I felt like I got the hang of it a little, by letting go of it I seemed to increase its power to insanse level and compressed and hardened it yet when I did nothing it took on all kinds of different shapes on its own, so I really have no idea what my impact was. I only know that I started it somehow with meditation. 

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