Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

The forum user "Jehovah increases" always posts the same style of music. 

This melancholic, beautful but also painful music. 

I am often in the mood for exactly this music, the previous months and years even more so. 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I kind of had that romantical thought of myself that my confidence wouldnt increase from the hookup as my 'soul simply starved for depth'. But I notice that my confidence indeed increased. Well that it didnt explode might be a sign of high development. 

 

But that it increased to a significant degree means that I didnt fully integrate that I had all these options before. 

Well there is a undefined path from potential and actually making it happen. 

[Jannes]

My horniness also increased. 

[Jannes]

9 hours ago, Jannes said:

I could only sleep for about 6 hours today even though I was so tired. Not sure why.

Also feeling very emotional -- when I say emotional I mostly mean moody and with unprocessed negative emotions coming up. 

Its interesting to look at this fresh after a break. But I should really ask myself, where are these emotions coming from? How do I process them?

I took this very serious this morning and asked chatgpt for advice. 

It is about staying conscious about these emotions, not avoiding them, but leaning into them while relaxing and breathing slowly. I managed to really process quite a lot to the point that most of this unconscious emotionally charged mess was gone and with some light music and a chill attitude I got some things done today completly without body doubling. 

Maybe because of the remote viewing exercises I probably do soon I realized the importance of getting into a relaxed and concentrated state. 

[Jannes]

Elon Musk is a role model of mine in a very narrow way. No I dont like his fascist tendencies, his big ego and narcissism. What I deeply appreciate about him though is that he has so much talent and genius despite being very bad with words publicly. I sometimes struggle with great good articulation on the forum, my writing ability isnt all that great and it takes me a lot of time to write a few lines sometimes, especially if I am not 100% emotionally there. The problem is that your ability to articulate yourself is almost always on the forefront, just great articulation alone can carry you a lot. So I like to see someone who isnt good at articulation still succeed. 

That being said I sometimes have my moments where my articulation is actually very strong, especially in deep one on one conversations but thats relatively rare. 

[Jannes]

Its time to go to my weekly social spot now. 

I dont want to and I am kind of scared but I am going anyway, this is important. 

[Jannes]

Socializing wasnt fun today. My fear was relatively small and subsided fast but I just really wasnt in the mood, all this intense socializing the previous days still need recovery. 

 

[Jannes]

My neighboors are doing some construction work. It makes me constantly irritable holy f*ck.

[Jannes]

Second haircut ever completed. Not only did it already feel much easier, I also understod much more what was happening, how the way I cut affected my haircut and so on. 

[Jannes]

Realistically I probably dont need to cut every week but I learn much faster with higher frequency and because my haircut is still mostly in tact after a week its also easier to not mess up. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday I slightly screwed up. I wanted to leave at some point but I always dont know how to, like who should I hug or give a fist bump or what, its too much grey area. So I stayed as usual. At the end I was alone with 3 other guys and that openly talked about chilling a bit outside and I was kind of integrated but also not completly, my social battery was low and I was looking for any sign that they wouldnt want me in. So because I left so late it was pretty obvious that I rejected their offer to chill, one guy even asked me if I didnt have any time or if I am uninderested to chill with them. 

[Jannes]

My friend who invited me to the festival just asked how I am doing. 

Damnit I cant find the quote, somewhere here I wrote that I sometimes push people back who come to close to me. The difference between taking the quote from the past and writing my feeling down about it is that the later is more of a reaction and could have less interprative value, but maybe more actual value. 

Anyway this overwhelms be a bit. Guess I just write back while I breath slowly. 

[Jannes]

I am jumping in circles from doing online body doubling again. 1 on 1 is kind of scary, but thats also why it is so effective probably. Anyway I just started my third 1 on 1 session, hope to get important stuff done. 

[Jannes]

4 hours ago, Jannes said:

I am jumping in circles from doing online body doubling again. 1 on 1 is kind of scary, but thats also why it is so effective probably. Anyway I just started my third 1 on 1 session, hope to get important stuff done. 

It worked again magically. This is insane. 

[Jannes]

My friend wrote back saying he misses the vibe of the festival, is in the cinema and afterwards at a social spot. It kind of sounded like an invitation which overwhelmed me even further. I was hesitant for more two hours or so until finally sending the message I already wrote which entailed asking if I know any of the people who he is with at the social spot, leaning into the opportunity a bit but also expressing the feeling that this is a bit of an unknown territory for me. 

Then I felt like I needed to meditate, didnt get anywhere after an hour, then got just a little closer to a relaxed state. That could be for a ton of reasons though. 

I really feel like a scared b*tch, not gonna lie. But also on this one possibility actually lies a way bigger fish, as I lean into this possibility more I unconsciously stirr up my relationship to the old club, distancing myself, calling them a bunch of idiots. This is why I was so scared of leaving the club, it gave me some kind of social connecion. I think I sometimes overrate my own social confidence. Well it can be very high in certain situations, but it is highly nerfed by traumatic experiences which arent yet healed. Healing them = Gigachad. 

[Jannes]

When body doubling works so great maybe guided meditation or guided yoga where I actually do the thing with other people works well for me. 

I go to the gym and they offer a few yoga courses a day..

[Jannes]

I kind of had that romantic idea of myself for years now of waking up early and going jogging first thing in the morning. Thats it. The rest of the day can be whatever, but it likely wont be whatever, because I already had such a great start. 

[Jannes]

Froth 1 on 1 body doubling session started. 

[Jannes]

I am three episodes into the Ahsoka Series on Disney+. 

I really enjoy it, it seems more serious then what I would have expected. The acting is also pretty good, there is a bit of this artificial warrior energy at some points but despite that its pretty good, they especially catch interpersonal situations with pure body language without explicitly talking about them. 

What is also interesting how much my mind works through stuff when my attention is fully absorbed into something. I think its actually a good idea to FULLY distract myself sometimes, when all I do is listen to soft music sometimes, it might not fully be enough. 

Edited August 14 by Jannes

[Jannes]

5 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I am three episodes into the Ahsoka Series on Disney+. 

I really enjoy it, it seems more serious then what I would have expected. The acting is also pretty good, there is a bit of this artificial warrior energy at some points but despite that its pretty good, they especially catch interpersonal situations with pure body language without explicitly talking about them. 

What is also interesting how much my mind works through stuff when my attention is fully absorbed into something. I think its actually a good idea to FULLY distract myself sometimes, when all I do is listen to soft music sometimes, it might not fully be enough. 

This time I noticed how my mind thought about remote viewing more. I mentioned that it already kind of distracts me, this possibility.. now that I got a little more in touch with and entertain the idea just a bit more I notice how significant this is for my mind. I could live a life of so much freedom, spending my time with contemplation, health, acting, relationships, voluntarying work. I could only think about this, when I have my finances secured in some way and if I also felt useful in the way I make money. 

I think there is some value in writing this fantasy down though, as maybe at some point I reach this possibilty and will be overwhelmed not knowing what to do with all this freedom as right now I can think from the comfort of not having freedom. 

I would wake up early to go for a jog, jog to my local gym to do some yoga. Afterwards I shover at the gym making a comfortable walk back home thinking about the day. I make myself a super healthy smoothie bowl. Then I go for my first remote viewing contract. Maybe I do some more meditation afterwards or chill with some music. After I refreshed I do my second remote viewing contract of the day. Then I go to my theatre club. I have my second family in this theatre there and we practice for a new play. Back home I make myself some lunch and relax to some chill music or podcast. In the evening I spent time with my partner.

This is one possible day, on an alternative day I could also do volunteering work instead of theatre for example, or I could have a performance, or I could work on a project, on spirituality, or I could spent more time on my own or with my partner.. 

But these seem to be the right pillars for me: slowing down, spirituality, theatre, health, relationships, time for myself, giving back

 

To make this work whats really important is a certain degree of restriction of freedom. Like a schedule for the theatre, a schedule for volunteering work, a schedule for my yoga class where I go to etc. On top of that I would like to work on my projects then, but pure freedom everyday would be madness.