Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

38 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Anyway for spirituality I have got a few approaches but I dont think I really nailed it yet. I also dont know if its allowed to write my thoughts about it here. 

.krow ssenssuoicsnoc tuoba ylsuoivbo stI

 

.ssenssuoicsnoc dna thguoht neewteb noitcennoc eht gnivresbo ylsuocsoc tuoba stI

 

.ssenssuoicsnoc dna lavivrus neewteb noitcennoc eht gnivresbo ylsuocsnoc tuoba stI

 

.si ti sa ssenssuoicsnoc gnivresbo ylsuocsnoc tuoba stI

 

.taeskcab a ekat ot evah sthguoht ,gnik si ssenssuoicsnoc ,sdohte m rehto swollfnu ro ,dohtem niatrec a swollof osla tI

 

.gnihtseretni stah t tub ,huH

 

.ti ecuder nac yeht tub ,ssenssuoicsnoc hctac tnod sthguoht ,sgniht rehtO

 

.deecneirepxe ssenssuoicsnoc fo etats rehgih eht htiw erefretni tnow hcihw era sthguoht eht ylno taht yaw a ni neppah dluow gniredro taht dna sthguoht redro nac ssenssuoicsnoc taht ,dnuora yaw rehto eht seog ti taht dnuora yaw rehto eht seog ti taht elbissop eb osla thgim ti oS

 

.kcab ti gnignirb dna ,serutcip elohw a ot ti kcab gnignirb dna sliated eht lla tuoba esnes gnikam tuoba osla s’ti ,setats rehgih tuoba ylno ton s’ti neht tuB

 

[Jannes]

3 hours ago, Jannes said:

I still have emotional fuzz today. This is often the case in acting that from bullshitting in acting there is a lot processing going on afterwards but you dont really know where the emotions are coming from as they were made up. 

You also sacrifice certain healthy instincts to make acting work, you deliberetly unground yourself. In nomal non-acting interaction and conflict people often act from a place of groundedness, they unconsciously feel into what authentic to them or what they want to show off and that act from that place. For people who are into acting its a little different, they sacrificed this grounded base and turned it into a clay of bullshit which can be formed accordingly. It gives new options, but its also a bluff. 

I feel emotional again and this time I dont really know where its coming from, like if there is an actual reason for it or still just what acting stirred up.  Acting augh. 

[Jannes]

On 4.8.2025 at 3:57 PM, Jannes said:

Just cut my own hair. 🥳🥳🥳

Kinda messed up, as I didnt get what my hairstyle was. On my right side I didnt have a fade really, it was something else and I cut right over that with 9mm. The transition between top hair and sides isnt really a transition as well, its more of a cutoff. 

BUT!!! my sides look a lot better, I personally feel I look much more attractive. And that was pretty easy. Its only the first time, I am going to master this. If I do it 100% on my own, it saves me about 30 Euros a month and I dont think my haircut is that complicated. 

Added a sizor for cutting hair and cut a little. I didnt really get the pony right and I look just a little retarded. I am gonna master that as well!

Edited August 5 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I cant decide if this is a piece of shit in his face or the coolest beard ever. I gues thats what competition can be on a high level, winning or loosing big.

I dont have the fullness of the beard below the mustache but I will give it a try as well. 

[Jannes]

Gosh...

 

[Jannes]

I notice that whenever I don't do something social, I am falling out of social state. 

 

A 1 on 1 body doubling session is perfect just for that as I do meet a complete stranger in a positive environement which is quite a lot more demanding then many other social tasks. But it's clear that it is only about being productive so there is basically no need to maintain that connection or anything like which is perfect.  

 

Emerald on the forum said shared some insight about this matter.

And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. 

 

Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. 

 

I wonder why people loose their social state at all. I think socializing just isn't really how we are authentically so when we are on our own our authenticity deconstructs the social state. So the social state is also painful in a way as it undermines our authentic self. 

 

So there is a tradeoff. However a balance that fits oneself better can be achieved. In my case I get in touch with socializing through this while keeping much of my authenticity. 

 

____

 

Visited my parents for two days. Talked a bit about feelings about the club I left and all that. 

 

Got me thinking about how fair I was with giving the leader of the club all the load of shit I went through at once.

 

He was very supportive in some ways but also irresponsible in other ways. 

 

But he really tried. 

 

And the other shit wasn't his fault per se , but where else could I ever let go of steam. 

 

Got me thinking if I was fair to the other people in the club. 

 

It was such a subtle form of collective corruption most of the time that my response does make sense I feel. 

 

I do have problems to go in conflict so when I do there was likely a good reason for it. 

 

And my feelings are were evident of something being wrong. 

 

But maybe I overdid it also. 

 

I took so much inner conflict for all this time, I wanted it to come off as a fuck-off a bit, even though I might not really admit that to myself. 

 

But that this element is also baked into it makes me think that maybe there was some kind of trauma response in me, which doesnt have to do with the club itself. 

Thats why I would like to the leader of the club or someone but its very difficult.

[Jannes]

On 5.8.2025 at 7:34 PM, Jannes said:

I cant decide if this is a piece of shit in his face or the coolest beard ever. I gues thats what competition can be on a high level, winning or loosing big.

I dont have the fullness of the beard below the mustache but I will give it a try as well. 

Tried the mustache. It seemed like an epic fail at first... let it be for some hours, now it only seems like a medium fail. It probably works for this guy because of certain proportions and stuff. 

 

Here is what I know. I benefit a lot from at least 3mm at the jaw. My mustache looks better at 3mm or more. The itself beard on my chin looks bad when it is longer then 2mm BUT it gives my face a better shape. Below the chin 1mm looks best. It looks a bit better better when the beard of my jaw has the same length or is shorter then my chin beard. 

 

Maybe I can find a way to make my chin beard look  clean at 3mm+ , that would be ideal -- I just looked at chin beards at the internet for inapiration and they all look like shit, meaning they don't look clean. 

 

I don't think it's possible to get everything done at once. You have to know what your priorities are basically. 

 

Just looked at my beard again. It actually looks clean and good but trimming my jaw so much is a big opportunity cost, as it looks way more shapely with a few mm. I need it just so much to be visible. I think thats my priority and I can go from there. Its a bit unfortunate because most artistic beards seem to work with shaved jaw. 

[Jannes]

Packed everything, tomorrow I drive to the festival in the morning. 

[Jannes]

Forgot to post:

I notice that whenever I don't do something social, I am falling out of social state. 

 

A 1 on 1 body doubling session is perfect just for that as I do meet a complete stranger in a positive environement which is quite a lot more demanding then many other social tasks. But it's clear that it is only about being productive so there is basically no need to maintain that connection or anything like it which is perfect.  

 

Emerald quote 

 

And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. 

 

Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. 

 

I wonder why people loose their social state at all. Socializing just isn't really how we are authentically so when we are on our own our authenticity deconstructs the social state. So the social state is also painful in a way as it undermines our authenticity. 

 

So there is a tradeoff. However a balance that fits oneself better can be achieved. In my case I get in touch with socializing through this while keeping much of my authenticity. 

 

____

 

Visited my parents for two days. Talked a bit about feelings about the club I left and all that. 

 

Got me thinking about how fair I was with giving the leader of the club all the load of shit I went through at once.

 

He was very supportive in some ways but also irresponsible in other ways. 

 

But he really tried. 

 

And the other shit wasn't his fault per se , but where else could I ever let go of steam. 

 

Got me thinking if I was fair to the other people in the club. 

 

It was such a subtle form of collective corruption most of the time that my response does make sense. 

 

I do have problems to go in conflict so when I do I should think that is was about time for sure. 

 

And my feelings are were evident of something being wrong. 

 

But maybe I overdid it also. 

 

I took so much inner conflict for all this time, I wanted it to come off as a fuck-off a bit, even though I might not really admit that to myself. 

 

____

 

Tried the mustache. It seemed like an epic fail at first... let it be for some hours, now it only seems like a medium fail. It probably works for this guy because of certain proportions and stuff. 

 

Here is what I know. I benefit a lot from at least 3mm at the jaw. My mustache looks better at 3mm or more. The itself beard on my chin looks bad when it is longer then 2mm BUT it gives my face a better shape. Below the chin 1mm looks best. It looks a bit better better when the beard of my jaw has the same length or is shorter then my chin beard. 

 

Maybe I can find a way to make my chin beard look  clean at 3mm+ , that would be ideal -- I just looked at chin beards at the internet for inapiration and they all look like shit, meaning they don't look clean. 

 

I don't think it's possible to get everything done at once. The best 

 

[Jannes]

Festival notes:

 

The festival is pretty cool. Add something later to this, don't want to waste my energy with overthinking on not important stuff. 

 

I observe that in many social situations I put very little in. It starts with me not greeting everone personally in the group and so on. So I often get little back. So when I notice that I ask myself why I put so little in and when the situation arises I feel emotionally blockaded, when the intention of the attempt to put something in arises I feel like crying.

 

I feel like crying trying to socialize. It has nothing to do with that moment, it's about past wounds.  

 

The regular state of I perceive myself doesn't match reality. It's like I need people to give me free love to get on eye level so that then a normal exchange can take place. 

 

Maybe that's why I put a lot of free love on people in hopes to get some of it back to heal. 

 

I seriously just layed there in the middle of the group trying to nap but it really was just an protective mechanism, I didnt know what to do so I went into a freeze. 

'Whats up party people' - WTF (to myself) 

[Jannes]

Festival notes:

 

Ja, just put life into a conversation and it worked out. 

Also when people give me a lot of support I often feel overwhelmed. 

 

I want to put it into a new big picture immeditely now but maybe this shouldn't even be my job at the event now, rather I maybe should gather clean pieces which I can put together afterwards. 

 

_______

 

The day was pretty chill for the most part. Ate breakfast with the group, chilled a bit, showered, chilled some more, got some groceries chilled some more. At the evening there was a speed dating challenge which I took part in. The entertainer can do this differently, those two were drunk and played drunk, it was not that good. I was out of the meeting rotation like most after some time but figured out a way to get back in. Talked to a few attractive faces I could find and there was a Latino English person who seemed interested in talking with me and we had a nice short small talk. She said she worked as a dancer on a floor and that I should come to the floor. A pair was giving me a thumbs up. So I went to the floor and a girl I was in helped me to get in first line and to talk to the girl. She came really close and after her short performance we met at a place she suggested. Got physical immediately. After she changed her outfit clothes and we changed locations and I shortly talked to a friend of hers we got to a very chill place and started to make out. She offered me some mushroom chocolate so we both took that. At some point she needed to go pee so we left that wonderful place. I started to shiver so we got to my tent to get me some warmer clothes. We started to make out but she wanted us to experience more of the festival first and go for it afterwards. We also took some more mushroom chocolate. This was too much though. As we got back to the wonderful place I got very philosophical, I contemplated what truth means, how wonderful truth is and the disbelief that anyone could not search for truth and also what kind of existence that would enable. I also thought about my search for meaning , and I thought a lot about me leaving the club which I didn't anticipate that it would still bother me so much. Even making out with her felt untrue in the moment, if I was honest I would have just pushed her away and pursued truth for it's own sake but I didn't. We did spent quite some time just looking at the stars though. At some point she said that we could go back to my tent and get to business. It was weird, I wanted it before a lot, then she wanted to explore the festival first and when I was in that state of enjoyed that more she wanted to get intimate again. In our tent I got really sleepy and stayed in this philosophical space. I could have fallen asleep. So we had a more sensitive time and when the effect of the shrooms subsided I was able to get closer. However in the middle of the act my mattress suddenly got a hole in it and so one person constantly had to put a finger on the hole. It made for an impossible situation, we couldn't fix the mattress, couldn't really go on but were already in the process, didn't want to put clothes back on and walk to her tent 20 minutes away. We realized that when someone just sat on top of it and didnt move, the hole was blockaded enough. It wasnt great, which was too bad because she definitely had a lot of skill, it was quite humbling. She stayed for a nap afterwards and then had another gig in the morning teaching loop dancing. She left the tent on her own, leaving through the backside so I wasn't in a difficult situation explaining her to my camp people. She pretty much led through the whole night which is quite interesting. She was also older then me, maybe in her end twenties or early thirties but with a really beautiful face.

 

The whole day was pretty chill. Half the camped asked me about my little romance with the girl and how it was. I didn't really know what was the drive behind it, I think I just demonstrated an act of power and people wanted to be positioned in that and probably were also curious. It didn't affect my ego pretty much at all though, sure I did get some confidence as a little afterglow but it could have also just been being used to closeness for some time. 

I was kinda afraid of meeting her because I would have been in a situation I couldnt really handle well, a greyzone which is really important to handle correctly. 

Wow, now I understand. 

On 2.8.2025 at 3:38 PM, Jannes said:

 

 

On 5.8.2025 at 2:01 AM, Jannes said:

The smile of this dude still haunts me. I mean its a really great smile, I give him that, but its obviously fake built into this choreographed gesture. 

Compare that with a fake smile of Donald Trump who cant hide his demons, this is night and day. 

He still seems immature and pure, wanting the fame badly, not having suffered a lot from the pursuit. 

 

Edited August 11 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Festival notes:

 

I got so little sleep and my mattress was broken so my goal was to get some sleep in a hammock and chill. Couldn't take any drugs I wanted to take as well because I already built tolerance with LSD and shrooms. Found a few chill places and felt back alive. I kind of wanted distance from the girl I met the day before but after I recharged a bit I kind of wanted to see her again. It connects well to another experience I had where I posted a thread about it. Almost the whole group came back together in the evening and we danced into the night. The arousal brought me into a nice stimulating environement in my head where I contemplated all kind of abstract ideas. Obviously it wasn't great socializing but I didn't feel like it. I left when around the middle of the pack left. The leaving part was a difficult situation to manage because I didn't know if I should hug everybody or what. So I waited for like 20 minutes until I finally sayed goodbye, slightly touching a girl on the back arm and she immeditaley went for the hug. Did the same with two other people who also immediately went for the hug. So I hugged the last two people as well and waved to the first person. This got surprisingly easy fast. 

__________

 

Didn't sleep well at night on the hard ground. It wasn't terrible but also not that my tiredness just didn't make me notice the hard ground. A girl in the group who was socially very supportive to me even asked me for my phone number to maybe add me to the group. Got a chance to speak a bit more with the artistic girl I saw at the beginning, not sure if I wrote about it in the beginning. She seemed super poly relatively intimately touching my friend and another guy at the camp at the same time with rebellish well grown armpit hair no make up and so on. But she has a natural beauty to her. In the first days I suddenly noticed a bottle of wine in my tent. I thought my friend put it in there but he didn't and later a glass of olives which seemes to be hers. When I put the bottle of wine in the middle we asked who wants to take the bottle home and they asked the girl if she wanted to take it with her as this was fully her taste in their experience.. 

She seemed very open in the beginning but it was a weird vibe with my friend also being close to her and I didn't really dare to do more. 

When we all left we all hugged each other for a goodbye but often left individually. I was one of the last person to leave. The girl and another guy wanted to wash some things and I waited for them to come back to say goodbye. Eventually the guy came but the girl didn't. I saw her lurking around another group. I thought maybe she didn't want to say goodbye to me. Two guys went into the direction of the camp anyways so I just joined them and goodbye hugged the creative girl. I also told her that if the camp was maybe a week longer I am sure we would have had some deep conversations. It was just the right amount to convey that I hoped for a little more without being overwhelming I felt. 

When I went back to the bus I noticed that I am able to get pretty much everything across that I want which wasnt the case at all years ago.

[Jannes]

Feeling mixed emotions. I am kind of mad at myself for a situation that happened after the camp. There was a girl at a bus station who seemed to be completly my type, we had a short conversation and then a guy she knew came to her. It bothered me quite a lot and I kept completly out of the conversation. She said to me they would go to the bus and I followed but then put my stuff a bit distant to theirs as it was difficult to put it directly where they were but that kinda put a final distance between us. I signaled interest unconsciously with some smilesbut the vibe was kinda off. 

I dont know why I was so bothered, it was relatively obvious it wasnt her bf.

 

I also kind of miss the girl I was intimite with on the festival. Sex isnt free, at least for me. There are always emotions involved. 

[Jannes]

I feel like there is so much material to dissect for reflection from the last days but I am just so tired af right now, I need some sleep first. 

[Jannes]

I finally did a trial session in remote viewing. I wasnt fully recovered from the festival yet, but it was the last possible date before summer break from this provider.

 

First I asked a few questions about how you can get paid for the work in remote viewing etc.

He also explained some theory to me -- if I had to explain it remote viewing works like this: you just connect to something via a target number and then ask the universe, the matrix, whatever.. about it and you get direct experience about it and also concept. You write down your direct experience which he calls essence about it and also the concepts you have about it. The concepts are always bullshit but by writing them down you get them out of your head and can connect to direct experience again. Like in meditation where you dont fight your thoughts, you let them pass. 

 

At the beginning he said that he would connect to me and basically view what I view which raised an eyebrow in me, as this made remote viewing even more hard to believe. 

We did an exercise and it was really hard for me, half the time nothing at all came up. 

Somestimes it felt like he was present, but it didnt feel good, I didnt like his presence, it wasnt as deep as mine, I would have liked to kick it out. 

There were so many distractions going on, I was tired, my headphones stopped halfway, people working outside, ...

At the end it was revealed it was a yellow speed boat. Self critical I said that I maybe got 30 percent right to which he responded it was at least 50 percent. I did get a few things spot on though, like yellow was the first thing I wrote down and freeing was an emotion I wrote down which also fit perfectly. 

Cant tell from this if remote viewing works or not, but it seems believable, like the kind of woo woo that remains when you take all the bullshit out of it. And it takes a lot of awareness to pull off which could explain why not everybody does it for a living.

 

I dont have a really good feeling about him though, I liked Stefan Franke way more. But his course is way cheaper and it gives me immediate access to work afterwards (if it works). It also felt like he was unfomfortable around me. I needed to go pee at the end, maybe he remote viewed that information incompletly haha.

[Jannes]

Woah 

 

[Jannes]

Just went grocerie shopping and I am very slow doing my tasks, really need to get some more sleep. 

Interestlingly that short remote viewing session brought me into a very different state of consciousness. Its almost like a spiritual exercise in itself. 

[Jannes]

Also my ego is catching up a bit from what happened at the festival. Its not like it didnt push my ego at all, I was just too tired to process it. 

I kind of miss her even though I dont think we really match.

I dont think hookups are healthy for my psyche but also I dont know how the other option of finding love work for me now because I am in a higher position of status. When you dont have many options any girl that makes herself available to you, you will feel emotions for because you dont have other options and the girl wants love at least as security. It is love from dependence. And unconsciously I kind of thought about love that way. 

So I am closer to loving freely, but will I even find somebody then?

[Jannes]

Sometimes you think you know something but you actually dont. Didnt know you could do all these things with your beard, but my barber always made my beard look better then I could so thats why. 

Shaving and cleaning a beard looks satisfying.

 

[Jannes]

I could only sleep for about 6 hours today even though I was so tired. Not sure why.

Also feeling very emotional -- when I say emotional I mostly mean moody and with unprocessed negative emotions coming up. 

Its interesting to look at this fresh after a break. But I should really ask myself, where are these emotions coming from? How do I process them?