Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Just now, Jannes said:

'Who am I' inquiry

https://www.actualized.org/insights/nisagardatta-on-self-inquiry

I did quite some "Who am I" inquiry for a week or more like 3 years ago. All in all I experienced one beautiful glimpse (not an awakening) and some early serious signs that this was working. I was at a train station and saw a guy who looked similar to me maybe 15 meter away walking along and for a moment it felt like I was walking there. That shocked me for a moment and I needed to remind myself that, "I am standing here, he is standing over there, I move my feet, he moves his feet." After this experience many other instances followed where I felt like I was another person who looked similiar to me. I bet thats just the beginning, when I deconstruct even more, then I might identify with other people and objects in the same way. Thats how serious deconstructing your ego self is, it radically transforms your experience of reality. 

So that was fascinating. As I just reminded myself of this exercise again and just asked my mind the question "Who am I" just once, it felt like I triggered some trauma. And I remembered the picture of how my mind tried to defend itself back then. It presented an idealized version of myself and asked me "Why do you want to kill me, I am so beautiful." Like this anime girl. This was crazy stuff. 

I wonder if my biggest strengh and weakness is empathy. 

[Jannes]

I have only ever done shaven and stubbles with my beard and I think light stubbles suit me well. 

I would like to test a light version of the balboo. https://hairstylecamp.com/balbo-beard-styles/

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jannes]

When I was productive the day before I feel more awake after sleep as when I dont. Not sure what it is but it is probably my mind naturally getting back to work instead of resting. 

I wondered why I have such little control in trips, and thats partly because I dont control most of my daily life as well. When I do the body doubling sessions though I can work and I take that mentality with me throughout the day. 

I took a few days break now. Not sure if its an ego backlash as I do need to make quite a lot of important decisions right now so I might need that time to process. But I want to get into the habit again. My beginner trial on FlowClub ended so I need to pay my first 20 dollars for the first month. Long term I am looking for a free version, but this doesnt feel like the time when I want to switch as I want to make it a habit -- although thats what I wanted to say yesterday, but idk I feel adventurous today, will see. 

[Jannes]

Nothing works today, I couldnt pay for Flow Club or anything else and I cant get on body doubling Discord server because Discord doesnt sent me a SMS for some reason. So I do some recorded body doubling, surprisingly it works. 

 

 

[Jannes]

i NEEDED to get back into body doubling work today. I noticed how I was avoiding it, how I was avoiding change, slacked off, numbing myself. 

I became very emotional a few moments ago for some reason. 

On adhd medication I always very easily become sick, now that I am productive without the medication I also feel like I could more easily become sick. Just that it makes you more productive means that your system is stressed more. 

[Jannes]

When I change my degrees I might not get (free) student loans anymore, this is something I am calculating now. 

[Jannes]

I felt very strange the whole day. I fixed my printer but that was it, I mostly distracted myself. I craved a certain nostalgic distraction though and digged deep... 

I felt pretty tired and I kind of overwhelmed but I couldnt really point out what it was exactly, maybe just unconscious processes, I felt like I needed to meditate but waited for it till night.

 

Now I did a bit of that and my whole experience flipped. 

I feel like all the process from the last couple of weeks accumulated and brought me to face more of my inner self. As I meditated I let go of some resistances and blockades. 

I just had experienced some weird energy again. Its really tight and strong energy and I can kind of move it around. I dont quite now how to control, how to increase or decrease or not, how to create or not loose it. But I felt this energy occasionally when I meditated since I started like 8 years ago. And I could never really explain it. Today I put it on my 'third eye', cause I didnt know what else to do with it until it vanished at some point.

It seems I have a natural connection to this energy, so I should figure out what it is, how to control it and what to do with it.

Edited July 13 by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 12.7.2025 at 6:10 PM, Jannes said:

I became very emotional a few moments ago for some reason. 

Yeah I was right, I am coming in contact with my authentic self. I remember I felt like crying a bit. 

[Jannes]

On 10.7.2025 at 1:07 PM, Jannes said:

Fast forward to today we still see ourselves often because we have similiar social spots and for some reason she was really nice to me. Looking for ways to make a conversation going and when she said goodbye there was even a sense of manly rage mixed in there. So my best guess is that she picked up on me being openly flirty/ Fuckboy-ish and reinterpreted the situation from before. Even if it was self serving, the attention I got felt really good and gave me an immediate boost. Didnt know that this is what I wanted even. 

There is my conscious mind thinking about stuff and then there is all the underlying stuff which I especially notice in my dreams. I should put some more attention to it. 

So I was thinking about this situation a lot in my dreams, or basically if I want to have sex or not with her. She isnt really my type but she honestly has great character so I was debating this a bit. You should only do what feels right in the end.. and it feels like I do have some sexual blockades.

Its hard for me to make male friends and I realize that the few femals friends I had kind of thought I couldnt game or didnt have that much experience. When you act like a gamer you loose some comforts. I always wanted a lesbian female friend.. Or I have to maximize my fuckboy energy and then I can hang out with the girls I cant get peacefully. 

[Jannes]

Part of the reasons its hard for me to find friends is because I am not interested in most people and I am sure people feel it. I couldnt see that because I needed help for regulating my emotions. Now that I feel more grounded I am more able to see this dynamic.

[Jannes]

Thinking about a moment at the Fusion two weeks ago. The people there definitely welcomed me and were probably offended a little that I didnt take the chance, it just didnt click in my mind fast enough. 

I think I have to be as conscious about these situations as possible. When I contextualize the situation very consciously and feed this into my unconscious then I might change patterns. 

 

_________

Socializing is super light. I still make it a bit too much of a heavy thing. 

[Jannes]

The meditation music ended so I took a short break to write all of my thoughts down, but now its hard to get back into it. I also need more meditation material. Finding the right material is hard because I want something guided but at the same time I never now how long I want to meditate. Maybe I should look for meditations starts which give instruction for the first 20 mins or so but then go for 3 hours. When you consciously think about problems with the intention of solving them you can actually solve them wow. 

[Jannes]

What is sad about any kind of content is that the viewer is only conscious enough to appreciate so much of it. I think there is so much beautiful content made with divine creativity but you cant ultimately get to that state by the content alone, maybe you see a glimmer..

Edited July 13 by Jannes

[Jannes]

23 minutes ago, Jannes said:

The meditation music ended so I took a short break to write all of my thoughts down, but now its hard to get back into it. I also need more meditation material. Finding the right material is hard because I want something guided but at the same time I never now how long I want to meditate. Maybe I should look for meditations starts which give instruction for the first 20 mins or so but then go for 3 hours. When you consciously think about problems with the intention of solving them you can actually solve them wow. 

this has a very short introduction:

 

[Jannes]

Something tragic just happened to a friend of mine. This distresses me a bit. 

[Jannes]

I am struggling with good sleep. This was no problem at all before I was productive. 

[Jannes]

Yesterday was weird. I feel like in my impro theatre group people looked at me different, like I had more status. One guy in particular looked at me when doing an act for validation and even lost it for a brief moment starring a little at me and when I catched that he kind of attacked in a very subtle way trying to gaslight and regain his status, as I was looking out the window he commented on my absence. 

You cant really fake confidence, it will manifest in some way. I am sure I did some of that when I didnt have much confidence. 

[Jannes]

8 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I am struggling with good sleep. This was no problem at all before I was productive. 

The fact that I got productive which I was never able to do for years and years might trigger a whole net of old behaviour in my nervous system like pressure, alertness, ... which could also explain why I suddenly wake up so early. 

So I have to recondition my nervous system.

[Jannes]

Instead of philosophy as my main subject in my two-subject-bachelor I might switch to I could also do educational science and philosophy second. That might give me way more options. 

[Jannes]

The whole remote viewing thing is also in the back of my head all the time, but I treat as though its not real. I will explore it on the side and if by chance it actually gives me options to work and earn money I will gladly take it, but I am not treating it as if this is guarenteed.