Bean’s journal 🐯

[Beans]

I find it interesting that there’s this constant chase of pleasure, and ecstasy. 

Or at least I meet a lot of men who chase that. 
these two subjects are the most addictive stuff in the world. 
mixing pleasure and pure ecstasy. And at least to me. In my mind it’s a bad idea to continue doing that, because I’ve seen what too much can do. 
for myself personally as of now I like to really try to find those moments in the most rawest forms. 
 

regardless if it’s conscious choice or subconscious thing. You know everyone has their own fixations. 
I find a lot of men struggle with these enlightenments, and most of them need psychedelics, etc in order to experience it.  And my point of talking about this isn’t to shame people, but rather look at it with curiosity. 

[Beans]

Today I had fill out the form to put Penny up for adoption. 
I have a very intense story to share what pushed me to do this, but I’m worried it may be too stressful and overwhelming to share. 

[Beans]

I want to bring seven mugs back home. 
these mugs mean a lot to me. They all have a special story and place in my heart. 

[Yimpa]

[Beans]

7 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Now we get to make a wish. ^^

[Beans]

I’m gonna miss you Penny. More than you’ll ever know. Thank you for the eight beautiful years. Thank you for being the first person to ever protect me from the abuse I was growing up with. It’s been an honor to care for you. It’s been an honor to spend my best days with you and the worse. I wish I could’ve given you a better life. I love you so much. Please forgive me. 

[Yimpa]

I am wrong. I had this fantasy that I could be a guide for you, but it's coming at the expense of my own well-being. Balancing between my own needs and this relationship is becoming increasingly more difficult. Our values and life experiences are very different. I have no idea how we made it this far.

It's like I make so much progress on my own journey towards healing, only for us to come back together and communicate about our traumas. Trauma bonding, as they say. I no longer want to be constrained by these chains.

A break and time away from each other needs to be extended longer. We are not on the same page when it comes to this. We are not in a position right now to go back together anytime soon. I don't have any gentler way to say this.

Edited Sunday at 05:39 PM by Yimpa

[Beans]

3 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I was wrong. I had this fantasy that I could be a guide for you, but it's coming at the expense of my own well-being. Balancing between my own needs and this relationship is becoming increasingly more difficult. Our values and life experiences are very different. I have no idea how we made it this far.

It's like I make so much progress on my own journey towards healing, only for us to come back together and communicate about our traumas. Trauma bonding, as they say. I no longer want to be constrained by these chains.

A break and time away from each other needs to be extended longer. We are not on the same page when it comes to this. We are not in a position right now to go back together anytime soon. I don't have any gentler way to say this.

Do I tell Amanda never mind about our dance

for the 2nd? 😭😭😭💔💔💔

[Beans]

It just hurts so bad joy. 
I can’t help, but to feel guilty to not be working. 
please don’t take your anger out on me for wanting to make this work. 
it hurts so badly joy. 

[Yimpa]

It makes me extremely disturbed that your family abused you so much, I can feel their obsessive need for you to be this hardworking person who never takes care of their own needs. It's eating me alive. I'm saying to be patient, but they say "no, you need to work NOW".

F them. They have no idea what they're doing. They're treating you live their slave. It's sick.

[Yimpa]

It's a tug-of-war between the progress we're making and the abuse we know.

[Beans]

2 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

It makes me extremely disturbed that your family abused you so much, I can feel their obsessive need for you to be this hardworking person who never takes care of their own needs. It's eating me alive. I'm saying to be patient, but they say "no, you need to work NOW".

F them. They have no idea what they're doing. They're treating you live their slave. It's sick.

Please give me grace. im sorry for trying to rush things. 
I just need time to dismantle this mindset. 
it’s difficult, but im learning as I go. 
but please don’t be upset with me. Please don’t be angry with me. It’s okay to be frustrated. I understand your frustration. And I share it too. It’s not only my parents abuse, but also the conditioning of society that fed me to believe that treatment was okay.

even when my health was at its worse and my blood pressure was at its highest. I kept neglecting myself until three other doctors urged me to seek help. 
and I did. I just needed time to really understand how/why I’ve been neglecting myself so harshly. And to really see how my parents didn’t really care. 

[Beans]

What I’m trying to say when I bring up jobcorp

is that I want to be able to support us. And our mini vacations. 
 

Edited Sunday at 05:32 PM by Beans

[Yimpa]

We need to save ourselves first!

[Beans]

1 minute ago, Yimpa said:

We need to save ourselves first!

Of course joy.

this is why we’re doing the work. 
this is why we’re separated for now. Even though it was difficult and rough. We’re trying to save ourselves in order to show up the true way we want to in our relationship. 

Edited Sunday at 05:39 PM by Beans

[Yimpa]

 

[Beans]

Please be gentle with me

warning handle with caution.

Im fragile. 
 

 

[Yimpa]

I can't believe this was only a month ago...

 

On 3/23/2025 at 3:16 PM, Yimpa said:

Their first time on the megaphone. Such a natural 

 

 

 

[Beans]

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIymmK4Jp7P/?igsh=MWNsOHVkOGFodjMyMw==

 

[Beans]

Just now, Yimpa said:

I can't believe this was only a month ago...

 

 

Your support meant everything to me.