I have something like a split personality

[Jannes]

I had a very weird school experience. I was an outsider for much of the time but in mid school I regularly experienced highs. My main bully both got me down and up. He always wanted me on his side but also that I behaved in his interest and formed a macho identity like him. So most of the time he embarassed me and because of his high status he got structural support of the class. But maybe 10% of the time he was a very good friend. He supported me completely. He screamed through class: "if everyone wants to attack "Jannes", I am gonna f*ck your life." And then he often brought me to the cool people, the attractive girls and all of that. Because my old ways of acting weren't fitted in this high status environment I quickly adapted a new identity but because these periods were never long the identity was never really grounded. 

And I think this is something that still makes an inner conflict in myself today. 

I struggled through the last years in finding a girlfriend both my bullied self felt good enough for and my fragile "high status" self feels attracted to. The intersection is almost zero. (I kind of solved that with a consensual F+ which was a good compromise between my two sides and from that I connected both sides more). It's very similar to finding friends. The people I feel comfortable with I dont really like, The people I like I dont feel good enough for. 

 

The problem that arises from that is that I have a very hard time building meaningful connections. It's rare that I find people I can relate to. 

[LastThursday]

@Jannes there are ways to resolve the inner conflict. NLP has various techniques under the name "Parts Integration". There's many videos on YouTube if you're interested. Here's a simple version to start with (the actual technique is explained from 2:54 onwards): 

 

 

[Jannes]

@LastThursday Thanks! Just did the technique. Definitely gave me an interesting feeling. I am not sure how big the effect was. I am looking for other similar techniques as well. Just realized that I can use it on many other aspects of my psyche as well. Thank you very much again! 

[Jannes]

You mean those for example? I am gonna watch them tomorrow.

 

Edited May 17 by Jannes

[LastThursday]

@Jannes yes that's more of a classic technique, but there are other related ones. One I like is to have the parts be in different physical locations in a room for example, and you would stand and slowly walk between locations to "integrate" the parts (if I find a video I'll post it here). The main issue with the other techniques is that doing them yourself is tricky, they're often more effective if someone is guiding you through the process.

I wouldn't worry too much about the intensity of feeling being related to the effectiveness. In my experience you'll notice changes or differences over the space of days or weeks, sometimes longer. Sometimes it will seem suprising, like "hey I realise I no longer do X" or "I haven't felt or thought about X for a while". There's always a period of subsconscious re-adjustment or re-alignment.

Anyway, it's all good stuff, I'm glad you tried the exercise.