Am I waking up or going insane?

[Federico del pueblo]

Or both or neither one of them? 😄

The last 7,5 months have been absolutely brutal for me.

A few days after my last lsd experience in July I was heavily destabilised and flooded with such unimaginable levels of fear that  it seemed like I had damaged myself forever. This was also a heavy retraumatization with things that had already gotten considerably better after several years of good work.

Since then several other things followed that destabilised me again after I had already improved. The last one is that since end of 2023 I haven't been able to overcome a fucking regular cold, which is constantly worsening my already debilitating chronic fatigue symptoms.

It was a cycle of stress, more illness symptoms, more stress etc.

Since my second last lsd experience (also July 2023) until now I have a thing where behind closed eyes I see subtle but still clear enough images of scary faces flashing up, very quickly and subtly, still unambiguous though.

It's more like just the widely opened eye balls and mouths, like you would imagine insane people or people in terror or people being tormented or so. It started during the lsd experience but didn't unfold or complete itself and now it persists a little bit more subtly than during the experience. Needless to say that with my trauma and the last lsd experience I'm not gonna have any trip again any time soon...

Weirdly though, at the same time my meditations are deeper than ever and it more and more feels like I'm connecting to something and dissolving into nothingness. I feel twitching or subtle tremoring movements around the spine, sometimes in the perineum itself.

I've had meditations where I clearly felt a stream of energy through the spine up into the brain. I have more and more "visuals" during my meditations. My brain feels incredibly good in some meditations, sometimes there's virtually no thought (no selftalk) for maybe a minute or so, just imagery arising and leaving (biographical, phantastical or "random", kind of like on a psychedelic.)

I'm sometimes in a normal environment but I really have to wonder: "what actually is this here? Objects, people, "me"?" Of course I know that people voluntarily start to do contemplation to awaken, but what I mean is that I really genuinely am confronted with this question, not really like I'm choosing to think about it.

I also do very down to earth trauma work or emotional work with different techniques, I can't go very deep at the moment though, cause I can still downward spiral and get destabilised.

I'm also aware of "something". It's like energetic but...I don't know. Like seeing a flimmering in the air, and it's not the one when a street is hot in summer, much more subtle. It kind of feels like a presence could be here, but I don't really see it yet.

On some nights I also had terrible nightmares where I was paralysed and other crazy stuff happened.

But also dreams of flying, chakras opening and energy spreading etc

Stanislav Grof invented the term of "spiritual crisis/spiritual emergency" (as opposed to mental illness), so maybe you guys can calm me down a bit.

I'd appreciate if you try to not make me more concerned but offer the most optimistic or encouraging view.

Thanks a lot everyone!

Greetings

[Breakingthewall]

I see the process good, not delusional at all, perhaps difficult but that's how things are, a process of real opening, which requires restructuring, change at different levels. 

Could you tell more details about the LSD bad trip?