Azote

Week #17 General Ok, I was on vacation... It's awkward how university schedule totally determines my life. Meditation Short sessions, just to keep consistency. Subconscious work Kepp digging into "deserving" issues, but not really intensively. Career domain Work ethics 18.5 hours. Fun fact: since I started my tracking, there was only one week when I worked at least 40 hours. Education Sooo, the term is finshed, and now I have the hardest semester of baccalaureate ahead of me. Shit. Well, I do some preparations and stuff. Yes, I know that this report is blurry as fuck, which means I'm in low conscience state and I'm screwed Job performance ~vacation, fuck it all~ Income Put some stuff on Russian ebay analog. That's great because I postponed this for ages. Money management Same Health domain Exercise Almost total slack off Diet I guess I cheated about 2 times or so this week. So the weight is 68.1 again. Oops. I want to focus on setting up intermittent fasting schedule for now. Skin It's smooth and glowing, but with a bunch of post-acne and black dots. And I don't know why is that.

9 to 5 or self-employment? Hah! You are self-employed anyway! You get it? Everyone is a president of their personal service company! No one is going to take care of you. Thanks to Brian Tracy from my ego for this blissful option confinement

Week #16 General Meditation Not much this week, 10-30 mins, but every day. Subconscious work Some shadow work, one BSFF. For the next week, I have the cluster of "I don't deserve anything (life, for instance)" since I burst into tears today in the shower because of that. Now I feel dept before the universe instead of gratitude. Career domain Work ethics Lost my paper sheet with the track of working hours, oops. But there were, like 20-30 hours. It's amazing how my experiences associated with studying are entangled with those associated with food. Education With great luck, passed the final exam in physics. Still, have one big assignment to do. And huge-ass unrealistic plans for the next semester, of course. Job performance Somehow I feel that everyone around is slow and stupid, but I myself behave even more slow, stupid and worthless. Hm. Income Nah. I'll try to make some next month, okay? Money management January went not quite as planned, but better. Health domain Exercise Total slack off Diet Trying out 3 meals without snacks in time range 11.30-17.30. Weight is 67.4 (-0.1). Slowly slipping off from the strict diet, not concerned. Skin better, not ideal

Growth? Is it growth if the semester has same shitty grades, but with no phenotropil and chocolate and sweets this time? Fuck no, I guess. UPD. Rewatched the "How to study" video. Fine, I'm gonna do this. Although all this repetition and stuff seems really like something for dummies. No one really does that. Also, enjoying and not cramming sounds pretty far-fetched.

Week #15 Got a new report template now It's in accordance with my two domains scheme. General Meditation Meditated 2 times a day several times this week. Also had 2 1-hour sessions. Never did either of it before. Well, I was pretty fucked up with all this insomnia, bad dreams and self-hate, gotta do smth. Subconscious Only 2 sessions of BSFF, but surprisingly deep. Insights Hope you're ready for me, world! Despite anything, my self-acceptance does develop, slowly. In a sense, I am lucky to have similar problems to those Leo had along his early journey. Dives me some vision) Breakfast is so fucking unnecessary. Career domain Work ethics Total count 24 hours, with 17.15 studying, 3.25 science, and 3.20 "side" education. Well, yeah. Doing my best, tho. Education Procrastinating so badly. One exam and one assignment ahead. Job performance Something good is coming. I mean changes in my behavior. Ever got that feeling? Also reading "So good they can't ignore you" now. Income Yep, that's the separate thing. Because getting real with the market is not the same thing as being a good researcher) Nothing to say here yet. Money management I've been pretty reckless with this lately. But it doesn't count if it's healthy food and books, right? %) Health domain Exercise A little. Diet Trying out intermittent fasting schedule. Pretty awesome so far. Weight today is 76.5 (-0.1 since the last report). Skin Better, but not ideal. I start to suspect that I have gluten intolerance or smth.

I wonder what is your definition of "trying a method". Writing a diary is a method, yet you have only 3 entries in it. And I believe you didn't try listing the techniques you tried, as several people here asked, so - not "everything" yet. I might have just not notice this list, though. Is there one?

Week #14 Oh I see. It's the freedom I'm not accustomed to. When I have external regime to maintain, like school, it goes pretty well. But as soon as there is any freedom, I turn into some self-destructive disaster. The fact that I have exams doesn't help, because they are 1-2 times a week, and I "need" daily control. I hope I will be able to wash this slave mindset off someday. Normal report next week)

Me before every exam Oh yes I failed again

Hey, thanks) Of course it will, hope so

@jjer94 Woah, same result for me. 100% turbulent, yay Hi, fellow unique snowflake)

Week #13 - Too much bullshit Oh boy, my report pattern is so outdated. But I don't want to use the development of a new one as an excuse to slack off in my exam studying. Yeah, that's how it works. It's not a big deal, but before you know it, all your time is consumed. I'll only say that my current life is still a mess. Lots of monkey chatter, lots of procrastination, waking up and going to sleep in the kinda desperate state. My head is full of shit . Good things from this week - I still meditate, I started and finished reading the "Mastery", I draw and do music for 10-15 minutes a day, I hold my hypoallergenic diet pretty well and even exercise a bit. So I'm not a total failure. But still, I feel so miserable. One day I had to bsff myself out of bed. Like, lol, do some subconscious work for 20 minutes just to get up. That's so fucked up.

week report #12 - savoring shitty life again? Ok, I demanded too much of myself again. We all know usual results of that Also, my monkey mind has been really nasty lately. The report: Meditation. 30-10-30-20-10-30-15 mins. Lab. Nah, sorry. Studying. Didn't study after the exam on Tuesday, which I failed btw. Money. Journal os okay, got plans for January. I can't wait to discover what amazing reason to fuck these plans up I will find this time. Weight is 67.6 kg (+0.4). I'm having a mega binge now, because, guess what? My dermatologist prescribed me a strict diet starting Jan 1st. Actually, I feel quite excited about it. Cause I see the sharp contrast in my state on healthy and shittty ration.

week report #11 - small steps What I did this week was small "rituals" every day. I practiced all my interests for at least 5 minutes. Exams? Fuck it, my needs are more important. I'm done with wasting my time on nagging about neglecting my hobbies for university's sake instead of actually studying. The report: Meditation. 20-20-20-20-20-40-20 mins. Lab. Slowly starting doing some science every day. Studying. Scored 33 hours since the last report. I don't count studying which is not related to the university, btw. Money.keep filling my financial journal. Weight is 67.2 kg (-0.8). Skin got worse

Belief of the year I guess I should share it here. It seems to me that this belief describes my whole life and every endeavor I failed. If I ever had good results in anything, that was pure luck or talent and I could do much, much better. I'm simply not familiar with any long-term commitment, because, ta-dam... "As soon as there are any results, I must stop immediately" Yeah, this is a complex belief, I wrote down about 10 aspects of it, each of them is a complex belief itself. And, of course, this is so stupid, but hey, isn't it the key to a belief's survival? Working on this gradually. Like, I really want to do some massive clean-up here. Might change the course of my life and all. Or am I biased?

week report #10 - pendulum swings First, now I start weeks on Mondays again due to new schedule at university. I've got fire under my ass, but this week went lazy nevertheless. Well, yeah. Because of that, something unbelievable happened. I lost appetite. Ok, I suspected that I overeat because of studying stress, but that was just really distinct. Also, I've reread my diary, writing down negative thoughts and beliefs to work on. Got 10 pages of such things out of 30 diary pages. Now I have tons of it to deal with %) Meditation. 20-15-45-30-30-15-20 mins. Lab.ditched it again but today I've got to deal with it. Studying. Scored 28.5 hours and have to study more for today. Yeah, we have some backsliding here. Money.keep filling my financial journal. Some ideas on how I can make some extra income came this week. Weight is 68.0 kg (-0.3).

When you do self-development work, you expect some life-changing shit to happen inevitably and frequently. Within a year you can totally reconsider your vision and values, "accidentally" fix neurotic roots or limiting beliefs in your goals, outgrow your current spiral dynamics stage etc. Or some opportunities, inconceivable before, may show up. In other words, the good stuff messes up with your plans. So you set some long-term goal and make a strategy. It might very well be a huge project with serious obligations and risks. Do you have any routine for evaluating goal's chances to stay relevant long enough and minimize time and resources waste? Do you plan your year or longer periods of time? What's the "success" rate? I had only one New year resolution for 2017 ("no more damn magic pills"). And it was kinda good. I discovered actualized.org this year, after all (thank you very much again, Leo! ). But I want to do better (grow faster) in 2018. Should I go without any resolutions at all until I have my clear, "good enough", vision, or just the opposite?

@BjarkeT Do you usually achieve these goals?

Reminder Yeah, they might have made all those little fixes and they still have a bit fancier life. But I'm building a cosmodrome here

week report #9 - Resistance drop? The dynamics of this week deserves its description here %) Btw, I just love how every week differs from another ? Sunday: studied 100 mins out of promised 8h. Beat myself up (mentally). BSFFed problems related to this. Monday: the kriya-like movements, which I had while meditation, now happen all the time. Considering my later impulses to accelerate my PD, I got scared that I'm gonna have an emotional crisis or something due to involuntary kundalini awakening. Read the kundalini book from Leo's list up to the 1st exercise, which told me to go meditate for a year more. Calmed down a bit. Tuesday: sort of surrendered to my body. I must admit that my posture indeed improves, just like was mentioned in this topic. I let it move into lying position during meditation and had some replenishing sleep that I needed very much. Now I use those "kriyas" to set up my pose for sleep (I had problems with that for a year or so). Calmed down about the awakening issue a bit, but decided to switch to 10-15 mins of metta. Wednesday: studied a lot, felt tired afterward, and a groupmate noted that I look upset (usually it is "are you on anti-depressants or smth?"). Also "caught" some bullshit cold. Didn't feel much resistance or self-sabotage, though. Almost forgot about meditation. Thursday: studied a lot again. Same tiredness. Did some metta. Came up with a couple of huge limiting beliefs, but had no time for bsff. Friday: finished 40h of studying. The last one was the hardest. This was where resistance arose. Have to make it in 3 chunks, constantly dealing with thoughts like "come on, you're tired" or "so I will have to invent a new reason for suffering? why are you doing this to me?!". Nearly started shaking after this was done. What a week! Now, to the report. Meditation. 20-20-~20-5-10-15-20 mins. I guess now I have no fear of developing too fast, so I won't slow down my meditation anymore in the near time. Lab.ditched it because of the deadlines in university. Studying. Scored 40 hours, fuck yeah! Okay, look, I know it might seem to you like nothing to be so excited about, but I have been fighting for this for at least 7 weeks, and now can really see that the problem is psychological. Shit, and I've been trying to shuffle the logistics to make it work for who knows how many years. Sports. just gym and some handstands and cartwheels. Money.keep filling my financial journal. I ran out of my amazing vegan food. Now I will switch to the more cheap option. But somehow I feel sure that my reality will surrender, like, within a year, and will provide me with enough money to buy healthy food because It feels so good And by "reality" I mean myself, of course) Weight is 68.3 kg (-0.4). Ok, I see some very slow downward trend. Gotta do something about it, I guess. Face kin now is pretty much like the rest of the body, so maybe it's the general intoxication. Will talk with my dermatologist about it later.

@Hardkill if that was a joke, then I don't get it, dude

@bigzbigi Great, now these movements occur pretty much every time when I sit, like, when studying or having breakfast Yeah, I do some calisthenics and stuff, but what is all this heading towards?

@Spiral So much for my plans just to clean up my diet and solve money issues @bigzbigi That sounds calming) I only have current meditation streak of 3 months, so maybe I have a little more time %)

@Spiral So, if I constantly move during meditation, I don't have to fuss around trying to fix all the negative features asap in fear that some kundalini-related shit is coming? Please say yes

Hey guess what? I think I truly believe that word "promise" means "avoid at all costs". or is it a test? Like, "oh, so you think you love yourself now? Let's see what happens to sour love when you fail to do some simple thing". Well, shit.

week report #8 What I really like about bsff is that I am building up the skill to observe and formulate my limiting beliefs. Like, dozens of them every other day. This week I realized that my current goals are strongly connected with self-love issues and also with relationships. So now I am going to work this out. Meditation: 17-30-30-10-30-20-20 mins. Lab - I made a calendar for my technique, which begins on 18.12. As for this week, well, I guess I read the textbook for about 6 hours. Studying. Scored 35.5 hours. Here is what I will do about it this week. I really really need to save the Sunday to make it work. So here I promise to study for 8 hours tomorrow. Wait for my report) Sports - just gym and some handstands. Money - keep filling my financial journal. Screwed up my monthly budget already. By spending all the food budget in one week. That was vegan healthy stuff, and there are LOTS of negative beliefs bubbling up. My psyche apparently can't stand even one week of somewhat abundant healthy foods yet. Weight is 68.7 kg (+0.2). Have problems with digestion, skin got worse.