Azote

one stupid hobby Issue closed (hopefully) As a teenager, I liked making so-called friendship bracelets. I also did, and still do love to not finish stuff I once started. By the end of the high school (when I gave this up for the sake of uni), I managed to finish about 20 bracelets up to 23 threads wide, which is like 40% of total things started (the rest I had to throw away). So what I was left with is some unrealized plans like watermelon ornament and my seeming incapability of getting shit done So this summer I returned to this thing - bought a $1,5 pack of mulina threads and set a rule to not start a new bracelet until I finish the current one. What I have after less than a month:20 = about as many bracelets as I made in my entire life, including desired watermelons and psychedelic rhombic geysers, no material left and experience of getting shit done voluntarily. I'm satisfied. Hope I can study now

Law of attraction my ass So, in the middle of July, I've got appendicitis induced by inflammation of other organs from the month before. That was a really narrow opportunity window: has it happened some weeks before or after, I would have to take a gap year and repeat the hardest semester. I also quickly realized that it totally had to happen - just look at all the wishes this situation granted me: legit reason for not working on summer legit reason for breaking the awkward silence between me and my relatives stroking my hypochondria (10 days before operation surgeon told me I was fine huh) stress test to find out if I still can't handle it (well yep) experience of general anesthesia ( this wish appeared after this video lol) experience of prolonged appetite loss - actually that was pretty cool experience of a rapid weight loss smoothie blender food steamer (both basically free of charge) socially acceptable excuse to avoid alcohol (rehab + meds prescribed after) Yeah, thank you universe, now I'm aware that I totally suck at satisfying my needs directly and that I need to fix this asap if I don't want such twisted shit to happen again. Bonus experiences: surgeon yelling at me "Stop crying! Shut up and do yoga, meditation, and Qigong or else I don't know how you gonna handle your life!" 90-year-old blind and sick roommate who constantly reminded me about my future without self-actualization. She talked about her regrets and suicide every now and then and lied in front of me just like this after our interactions with her, I found out I can't come up with any decent affirmations to neutralize this shit. Luckily, I could load my brain with videos like this: a lady from my university who brought me pencils, coloring pages, and baby food - we have such social workers because of bad suicide statistics I guess. That was rather confusing and funny - doctors trying to "make a man" out of me when I expected to be taken care of, and then this mother hen employee of a university where I initially came for "harsh real life and top-notch science bootcamp". when I left the hospital, I was really tempted to not come back for additional painful procedures - I gotta remind myself that I am phenomenal an adult and that I have to endure this to avoid greater complications. I'm pretty proud of myself for going to the clinic the next day - gives me hope that I am capable of similar things in other areas of my life

Hey, that's great, keep up

@Soulbass I wanted to hear this for a while lol

July Update whole month my brain was shut down, so almost no intellectual or self-dev activities I had an appendectomy (separate post about that coming) eyesight dropped a little, got new contacts depression confirmed

Half lotus is pretty hardcore pose for SDS. You sure you are not too harsh on yourself?

@Hello from Russia with kissel

Rate my super healthy vegan gluten-free meal. Seriously, hospitals are best places for self dev Details later

Swap Have you ever got this feeling? When someone has their special gesture or habit, like snapping fingers while thinking, and after communicating with them a while you start unwillingly repeating this gesture after them. The moment when you catch yourself doing that you feel as if you disappeared for a second and became this person. Quite uncomfortable, especially if you dislike the person or the habit. Right, back to health issues. So, as I mentioned, I'm taking pills again since I was diagnosed with some kind of neurotic disorder. The thing is, I have had this condition for over a decade now and this is even deeper than stuff like overeating. It feels like congenital disability or something. I don't know life without neurosis. I'm on shitty drugs called "exhaustion" and "justified self-pity" and "suffering from no reason", any time of the year. I suppose that's the worst of my current addictions and I expect a tough fight with withdrawal. Hope I'll have the guts Shit, do I have to kill the "prior" self after all? Not funny. (For those of you who's suffering more than me and possibly got triggered - no ill intentions, my support is with you ❤️)

@Torch Do you meditate right before going to bed?

Correction I decided to postpone emotionally draining techniques and activities like BSFF, self-reflection and touchy conversations, as well as any work (cleaning up doesn't count) or uni studying. Instead, I plan to focus on recreational stuff. And yeah, all the conclusions a gained so far with my LP work are to be reconsidered, because I mostly used techniques like "write an answer to $1 000 000 question until you cry" and in my condition, I can cry about, like, anything. I mean, I can't rely on such answers when I burst into tears after "hey, how are you doin'?", can I? UPD. I'm on meds again. No ADs this time. Guess the idea is to make me sleep the shit outta myself in order to recover.

On alcohol. Step back Last night, celebrating the end of the semester with a bottle of something beer-like, grilled meat and ciabatta, with all these focus-on-health thoughts in my mind, I realized how really "undeveloped" my reasons to abstain from drinking alcohol are. (I think I didn't drink a drop of the shit through all middle and high school, and also the 1st year at uni). 1. Authority. Because this is just a bad thing to do. Why? Because I told so. A good chunk of my BSFF sessions these days consists of work with loyalty issues. Being lean and beautiful would not be loyal to my mother. Being a smart woman and having a successful scientific career would not be loyal to my father. And so on. The further I go, the more I realize how fucking loyal I really am to randomly occurred authority figures (like parents). And also the more I realize how dangerous for me it is. Soon, I hope, I will grasp that throwing this shit out of my belief system completely is actually a matter of survival. And then, with the full integration of stage blue, this reason would fly away. 2. Fear of what I am. What if I get drunk and say all the truth? And everybody around learns about what really is on my mind and how I feel? That would be a catastrophe. Should this fear back off a little, or should I decide to deliberately work on my sincerity and radical honesty, I will immediately start to see drinking as a good tool to use when I need to get courageous and expressive. Oh, and its effect on vocal cords... Actually, right now my development level (the way I sense it) would totally resonate with stuff like drinking and eating shit and watching stupid movies on Friday nights with friends. Thank god I don't have friends. If not for my recent resolution to care about my health. And let's don't forget that alcohol doesn't mix well with all these funny pills. I have an ambitious goal - to grow my mindfulness level health-wise so high it would substitute the old reasons. But until that - cheers! Natural selection is gonna get me one day. Probably sooner than I think.

@taleen I have no idea what my passion is, to be honest. That's why I now plan to work on reconnecting with my feelings and intuition and try out different options. Thanks for your share.

Shifting priorities Though this journal is supposed to be mainly about Life Purpose work and handling basic needs by becoming successful, I suppose I should change priority to health domain for a while to make it all work. With the main "theme" be careful exploration and purging. The main idea of several prior months was you must kill your current self in order to grow. Turned out not to be working very well. So, for the next few weeks/months, I plan to focus on my health. If I have positive outcomes career-wise in the meantime, let them be. My toolbox for the near future going to doctors - I need different specialists now, from dentist to psychiatrist. seeing local psychologist art-therapy painting sketching playing berimbau singing BSFF drinking water paper diary/morning sheets vipassana meditation walking in nature exercise jogging capoeira sequences surya namaskar complex progressions from "The 15-second Handstand" tidying up and taking out the trash intermittent fasting avoiding foods that proved to be peanuts dairy cheap fatty street-food These are the things I have some positive experience with. I can tolerate this much of green new-agey stuff. Might also try: type B behavior appropriate sleeping techniques from "Highly Sensitive People's Survival Guide" Sacred place meditation metta supplements spending more time with friends and talking about emotions and feelings theme-related Leo's worksheets

@jjer94 I took 6 days of this shit in minimal dosage and quit about a week ago. I guess I'll be okay. I plan to see a doctor again after all the exams, maybe private practicioner. The lady who prescribed me this had like 5 minutes for me, at a state hospital. Thank you for your concern)

After last vid about stage orange

Oh shit, Ralph Smart Have been watching him every day until some weeks ago. Nope. That's too much woo woo, but thanks. --------------- Hope you get well tho, with all this weird shit.

@Privet hey I'll dare to be immature enough to ask - what lala land ya talking about? Also - your shef recipe on how to become mature?

Have you seen this? I guess I would do research on this path of action.

Getting even more emotional Ah. I cry all day. It's so good. The music is so beautiful. Pics in my mind are vivid and crazy, I should draw this. Visualize my impressions. Mean words of that dickhead I kinda fell for hurt so much I would hug him. One of my friends is going through some tough time and I'm so glad he's doing well, listening to him, I just cry, and then stop and become calm at last. I realize my will to create something beautiful and pure and I cry again. I want more genuine senses and feelings like those! they say I'm way too emotional. I've not been emoting up to my full potential! If my crying and whimpers annoy somebody, they're free to stay away from me. I threw away the antidepressants and tranquilizer because sorry, mental health, I'm not ready for those weird dreams, 15-hour sleeps and feeling like an alcoholic. Need to pass these exams, ouch.

@Hello from Russia sounds like a good idea, huh?

Mistakes will be made I think my fear of making a mistake plays a great part in my depressed state. So, maybe, fuck it, let's let some errors in without bitching about it. Antidepressants suck, btw.

@jjer94 Thanks I guess all this stuff happenig is necessary.

Don't try this at home, kids! super life-hack from a psychologist at uni: long queue to the neurologist? Go see a psychiatrist! I wonder how it's like to meditate on tranquilizers. No luck with math exam - got hospitalized lol. Fuck plans!

I thought I would become a "noble" scientist. Seek for the truth and develop cool useful things as well. But now I'm so disappointed. Ok, yeah, I made a new material, so what?I have no say in what it will be used for. Have I just contributed to saving the humanity or destroying it? There is no dignity in such work. And also little real value, judging by tiny paychecks scientists get here in my country. Now I'm just tapping into research work as an intern (3rd-year undergrad), but I'm already paralyzed and have zero productivity. And scared shitless to even think about what to do with my current most probable perspectives of doing all this shallow technical shit forever, being this little brick in the wall. If this world comes to an end, it will most likely be caused by stage orange scientific minded goal oriented people. But what do we do about it? Assuming that I'm not just a lazy dumb whinie with no work ethics. I suppose I could find my motivation to go through this work up to a PhD, as a stage, but I cannot quite see the next step. How could a scientist, namely, polymer physicist, possibly positively influence the world? Like, significantly? Quitting science altogether and becoming a sage now sounds more like one of those pipe dream stories from "So good they can't ignore you", though. I need some advice, guys. Please share your fresh view from the outside) Some sources, maybe, on effective altruism?