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I have had a similar experience (or is still dealing with one). I figured out that I had connected my sexuality to feelings of shame and fear - so I was only able to be aroused when thinking about my molester or when being with men who made me feel shameful or afraid. The thing I did to heal this was to take a break from sexual relationships (I am actually currently doing in) and then focus on developing my sexuality by myself. So I try to break the old patterns I had when having sex with myself before. Instead of just letting it happen - fantasizing about the bad stuff - I try to plan it beforehand and really make it into a kind of ceremony. Then I use meditation and self-love techniques while doing it, so in that way, I hope to rewire my brain so I can be turned on by feeling safe and loved. Maybe that is something that could be beneficial for you to try out as well? <3

If relationships are where things get difficult for you, then that is exactly where you should go to develop yourself. It doesn't have to be with another human. My dog is my biggest teacher But seriously. Every relationship short or long, deep or shallow, can teach you something about yourself - which is GOD which is the universe which is reality which is the truth which is you. Try to see yourself through the eyes of the other person.

Guys.. What the fuck. I'm 26 studying for a BA in psychology. (Plan is/was to go for the master and maybe a Ph.D. also) My plan with studying psychology was initially that I wanted to become a therapist, but after I have started at the university, a whole new world opened up to me and I became very interested in science and doing research. I'm of course very interested in psychedelic therapy, but also mindfulness and contextual factors/placebo effects. Also, even though it doesn't exist, I still think the brain is very fascinating. Last summer I did an ayahuasca retreat. It was a huge experience even though I had tried other psychedelics before. On one of the trips, I had a vision where I played music and had some kind of a healer-role at a ceremony. So when I came home I began to learn about music (actually my first wish when I was a child). I have later gone back to the center and is slowly becoming a part of the community there. My plan then developed into some kind of mixed vision about maybe starting my own spiritual/therapeutical center, after I finish my degree, where I could help people actualize while also doing psychology research as a scientist and maybe something with music/art. BUT THEN LEO FUCKED ME UP WITH HIS TALK ABOUT SCIENCE Then I did a mushrooms trip that threw me out of this world (at a retreat with guides and other people so it was sort of a therapeutic experience, which also woke me back into my old dream about being a therapist myself) After these two things, I was starting to think that maybe research and science is not where I should put my energy, maybe I should put more energy into learning about healing the old fashioned way by observing and volunteering at retreats. I also had more thoughts about music and learning how to do music therapy. BUT THEN! I checked my mail and a researcher (in biological/cognitive psychology) had answered the mail I wrote to him months ago, about if I could volunteer in one of his research projects. (his research usually has a main focus on mindfulness and also a lot of focus on the physical brain). It seems like he has a spot for me. Normally I would be really excited but now I just don't know what to do. Of course, I won't drop out of university, but after Leos talk /and the shrooms) I feel like maybe putting energy into research might be a dead-end? I know I should probably do Leo's life purpose course but I need to figure out what I should answer the researcher before tonight.. Also, I know it will be so difficult for me to find one life purpose because everything in this world is so fascinating and interesting and I can never pick just one thing and feel like I have so little time! I would really appreciate it if you would share your thoughts about what Leo said about science, and if it has changed something for you in relation to your career plan? Maybe also if you have suggestions on how I should approach this D: Thank you <3

Thank you! Really appreciate the book advice!

@Space thank you this helped a lot. I think I'm gonna try it out and see if it could be something. I'm gonna do Leos life purpose course as soon as possible.. And try to work with my fear of letting other paths go when choosing just one. Because I have become aware that this is a big problem for me. Would you mind to share your own life purpose with me? I'm just curious - and maybe how you came to realize it?

If you are aware that you are dreaming in your sleep-dream, it will be easier to be aware that you are dreaming in your life-dream.

Yes, but also you should go and meet other women in the meantime because this will make you more attractive. But I can almost say for certain that there is something about you that she likes and is attracted to, but when she rationalize it you are not a good fit - and that probably has something to do with either your lifestyle or appearance (not physical but maybe if you are one of those guys who are "too sweet")

Go to the library and just try to survive this period and learn what you can from school, and keep reading outside school. Knowledge is power. In the summer break, you can go to the vipassana center in Sweden. Things will not always seem this difficult, and if you go to school you will have more opportunities - for example one day you might be a part of changing the school system, who knows.

I have been taking a long break from dating in general, mostly because of self-development purposes, but also because I find it very difficult to meet men who I resonate with. After listening to all of Leos videos about spiral dynamics, and diving into the book for the second time, it occurred to me that the men I mostly meet, are very deep into orange or green. I believe it would be beneficial for me, to meet someone who is on his way or already in tier two/yellow. But what could be potential places to meet these kinds of people (in general, not only for dating-purposes?) Tinder is definitely not the place!... I am in-between green and yellow myself, but are very ready to transition even more into yellow. I do psychedelics and so on. Another question - what are your experiences with dating someone who is in another place in the spiral than yourself? I think it can be both beneficial to date someone at "lower" and "higher" levels than yourself. But for a long relationship I imagine that it will work best if you are somewhat on the same colors? Maybe a long relationship between two people who are both trying to develop themselves will only be able to work if both are in turquoise because then they will stay at the same place? I think it wouldn't be possible to develop at an equal pace?

Did you ever try an only fruit and vegetable diet (low fat)? I have the same thyroid condition as you and it really helped me with it - much more energy.

I think there is a lot of development to be found in relationships. I always seem to get out much wiser... But this development could also happen with very short relationships/one-night-encounters I guess? Maybe the perfect thing would be an open relationship with a partner you love but where you won't deny each other the potential healing/development of meeting other people/teachers.

Hahaha maybe that is a good idea! Great sex I can imagine...

Of course, it depends on where you choose to go on your aya-retreat. Not every retreat is filled with "a bunch of tourists". Some are filled with likeminded people. I believe there is a lot to learn from the experience of taking psychedelics with a group - and the group you end up with, will of course not be random but perfectly assembled by the universe... The people in your group will all be potential teachers of yours and this alone can be a very profound experience. When I first came to the center for my aya-trip I was very judgemental about everyone and thought they were just a bunch of lazy hippies/stupid/did not know what it was all about... Haha... And then I met Aya.. and the next day (the retreat was 4 days with 2 ceremonies) I realized that this group had come together not at all by accident, I learned so much from everyone and the experience taught me a lot about nonduality but also how we as separate beings need to meet each other and gaze at ourselves through each other's eyes. The experience of going on a trip as a group was very different from tripping alone. One way is not better than another, but I guess it can be helpful to experiment with both. It was for me at least.

I very much agree with this! Actualized.org would be better if Leo could transform himself into a being that was both man and a woman at the same time because there is something about spiritual development from the female point of view that is left out in this whole institution

I have chosen to keep only a few mm of hair on my head because it helps me focus on other things than how I look, which as a woman has been very helpful for my spiritual development. Also I can take shorter showers in the morning and use the time to meditate instead.

I think you miss something here... Women provide very much for men too - but in a more subtle and invisible way. And we are "expected" to do this as well. You may give her your money, but she will most likely return it with her soul, something much more valuable anyway. Male energy holds the physical world more easily, and female energy holds the invisible world more easily - so we help each other out.

Start to masturbate more - even though you are not in a sexual mood, then just give yourself a massage and maybe touch/stroke yourself/massage it "down there" as well - if you do that a couple of times a week, I believe the desire will come sooner or later. I think a lack of sexual desire is a lack of connection to your body. Put on music while you do the massage, preferable music with drums because this can trick you into feeling grounded. Also do naked dancing, preferably with music like this. (really important, all women should do this) Sit in a squatting position while eating, writing, reading, or whatever, as much as possible in daily life. Spend more time on the floor in general. I know it sounds silly but please trust me on this one. Before you touch your pelvic are or actually whenever you lay down in general, focus on your lower back/the end of the spine and imagine the spot getting warm, feel the earth beneath your spine, or imagine growing roots from the end of your spine down to earth. Vipassana meditation will help you because this technique is amazing to make you feel your body - really feel it. Then you can also use the vipassana technique on your vaginal-area. Adding more fruits to the diet will help with most problems. Because it is not a heavy kind of eating, it will make you feel more soft, light, and ready for sex. All this is, of course, just based on my own experiences, but my own experiences have been very successful. I wish this for you as well. A lot of women live a non-sexual life without connection to the body, but we as women are naturally very sensual beings, and it is in you just below the surface, not very difficult lure out <3 Take your sexual journey very serious, like you would do when learning to meditate. Oh and yes maca, I take it too

But seriously looks doesn't matter. just this week I have felt deeply attracted to a guy twice my age who was actually a bit chubby, a bald guy shorter than me, a weird-looking hippie-guy with a beard that made him look like a goat and also this too-skinny guy who was short and had a gray beard that went all the way down to his belly button.

Oh your only 18! Yes really just use the time to explore life and don't waste your time on computer games and Netflix, if you work hard you could be so attractive by 20 just because you would seem like a person who has seen it all. And go do ayahuasca and vipassana retreats. for God's sake. literally. And your physical appearance is already really good so you just need the shine in your eyes (and a buzzcut but you will figure that out sooner or later)

haha what? If I should choose a guy to sleep with I swear I would choose this guy over the guy with the long hair. It is, of course, your own decision, but I think it is attractive when a guy looks good without trying and that is what the buzzcut signals (if you have a handsome face and you do) But in the end looks really doesn't matter that much - I have fantasized about sleeping with Leo a lot of times for example, and that is not so much because of his looks - even though he looks better now than he did in the beginning ... but because he has this leader-vibe when he talks. (I think..) I don't think you should concentrate on "getting more" masculine energy, but just live life, experience as much as you can and get wiser, because then you will get the same leader-like-vibe as Leo, which I think all girls find attractive. So go traveling or something - or go to the books - go to the vipassana course or ayahuasca retreat - get deeply interested in something weird like marine biology or learn an instrument or whatever.. explore life and all its features to become a man. The knowledge will shine through you and attract people.

In Leos video about perspectives, he suggests a practice where guys should imagine themselves having a female orgasm. It occurred to me that this is actually what I am doing most of the times I have sex - taking part in the orgasm of the man as if it was my own, and that is why I enjoy sex so much, even though, like most women, I don't get an orgasm every time. But that is not what this post is really about haha, I just wanted to mention, that i think a lot of women already do this. What this post is really about is my playing around with tantra and solo-tantra which has led me to a lot more actualization than I expected. And at this point, I am convinced that we as humans have so much more to learn from sex and if we practice, will be able to excel it to unbelievable levels. I started doing tantra sessions with a friend and masturbate with a tantric mindset for about half a year ago. I did this because I am dealing with vulvodynia (a condition where you get random pain inside your V - most often during sex), pain during menstruation, panic attacks during sex ect. I researched a lot on tantra and 'masturbation as meditation' and took some techniques from different sources while mixing it up with stuff I learned from Vipassana meditation, psychedelic trips, and theater practice. I am very lucky to have such good and openminded friend, who want to practice along with me but as far as I am into this work now, the most profound experiences have actually been single-handed - so to speak This was definitely not expected and I am amazed of what an effective tool I believe this to be. Spiritually speaking. Of course, I wouldn't know if this would be the same for men. Right now I have a strong sense that women and men experience sexuality and orgasms very differently. But well, how would I know for sure? I feel very inspired to share this with other women, because, haha, I feel like I found a lifehack or something. But I know I've only just opened the door and has way more exploring to do. So for now, I will just share my most recent experience with you. This has so far been the strongest. Well. I was reading a book, nothing special, while I felt this tickling sensation at the end of my spine that lead me to think it would be a good time to 'practice'. I started by making the setting - as you would do before a psychedelic trip. Music, blanket on the floor, dimmed light. I also turned up the heat in my room, so I would feel comfortable being naked, and prepared my stuff (vibrator, glass-wand and lubricate). If you do not have a vagina you can just skip this, but I'll put out the details if someone wants to try the same technique. I start by touching my breasts, belly, thighs and the area on the other side of the knees with the glass-wand which is ice cold as this point, I also lick and bite my lips, because it is a sensitive area for me, but this could be different from person to person. Then I take the wand down to my vulva where I circle it around the whole part, very slowly at the beginning and if I feel pain or strong sensations I stop for a moment to be mindful about it like I would when scanning my body in vipassana meditation. I then make the circle smaller and smaller until I sometimes stroke my clitoris with the wand, which often excites me, but instead of just focusing on the clitoris, which was my old style of masturbation, I begin circling with the wand just around the vaginal opening while breathing heavily, focusing on the base of my spine and how the floor feels against my back - the image of earth and roots and grounding in some ways helps me to reach the 'state' but I am not really sure why. I want to mention that in the beginning if felt nothing at all on the vaginal opening, I only felt sexual sensations when touching the clitoris, but this has changed during these practices. Then I most often begin opening, as my body does it by itself, which was very weird to me the first time it occurred, because I thought that I would have to press the thing into me like I have experiences guys press their penis into me - but now I know the body really can - like - swallow the thing (haha) all by itself. When I have the wand inside me i start breathing even more and if I have the pain I "standstill" and deal with it like before. Then I do the circling again but now on the inside, feeling where I have "blockages" or such. Sometimes I can feel sudden sadness or happiness when I do this. If everything is okay and I feel like it, I continue using the vibrator. I keep the wand inside me and with the other hand uses the vibrator on my breasts, belly, thighs, and as far as it is possible with the wand inside me, circle around the same circles as before. At some point, I let go of the wand and continue solely with the vibrator. Sometimes inside me, sometimes on the clitoris, sometimes a mix. At this point, it starts getting orgasmic. This may not sound much as a spiritual experience but I'll come to it. This is what happened at my most recent orgasm, but I have had similar experiences to this while doing the mindful-masturbation. Though not as intense and out-of-my-body-like .... or actually it was more like being really IN my body... I don't know. This is what happened: I was doing the thing, and the orgasm started approaching but it was more intense or more playful than I have experienced before. I felt like I was having sex with the air. I couldn't hold my body still and my spine was moving a lot and I was smiling so much and touching my face, stomach breasts, when the orgasm started I was just laughing while also breathing really hard and it was like I was making sounds that were almost - so ancient. or animal. or something. I had a little bit of my mind on what my neighbor would think but I just couldn't help it and I started laughing in a way that reminds me of how I would laugh on a trip while realizing that everything is pure love and play. It was just like that. I felt so present with the universe, and the weirdest thing was - and this may sound crazy - but I felt that all the things in my room in some way was alive and laughing and playing with me, I couldn't be still so I got up on my knees and the music was still on so I started swaying to it while breathing. I had closed eyes and I was just smiling, laughing, and breathing heavily. It was so profound because I have never felt so NOT alone in my life! I felt the room was filled with some kind of fairies or angels haha and then I started dancing for real, but close to the floor. It was just feeling like being some kind of ancestral woman. Rolling around and swaying. And I felt so much like a woman - like I felt that I finally understood what it means to be a woman and it was so liberating because i was completely naked. Then I felt this strong presence. I know that God is me and everything and that I am not separate from God, and I have experienced that through psychedelics and on vipassana, but this was different. I felt GOD BESIDE me and AROUND me, like "he" was in the air. And I write HE because in this experience GOD was present in me like this very male-like energy AROUND me. I can not describe it better than saying I was dancing with GOD haha. And he was really awesome and loved me so much, and he was me! haha. It was so cool and funny and magical. Then the song I was dancing to came to an end. So I laid down on the blanket relaxing. At this point, I started getting menstruation cramps! this was weird because it is not that time on my cycle yet. But I understood it as some tension inside the womb releasing. And it also went away again so it was all fine. So yes. That was my profound experience dancing with fairies and angels and GOD... Using a vibrator.. hahaha how a beautiful joke our life is <3 I hope this will inspire your sexuality <3 (btw the whole thing took a couple of hours)

I agree. You have a really attractive and masculine face, you should do a buzzcut.

Oh, thank you for this it is really great to read about someone who has similar experiences. Yes, I think so too, and maybe that is also why some months end with more painful menstruation than others. It is interesting to think about childbirth as a release of energy - and if the womb Is filled with unprocessed trauma.. hmm.. would this affect the energy of the child? This also makes me think of the subject of "pain-free birth" which I have always found interesting. I have a theory that if I become more aware of myself, my emotions, and healing processes I will be able to remove pain from the menstruation process. Maybe this will be possible with the process of giving birth as well? The thing you write about crying after penetration sex makes me so relieved because I experience that too, and though I was just fucked up. Also sometimes when giving a blowjob, the sucking motion releases something in me and I feel very vulnerable and (if the guy is loving) very "held" and it can be an almost healing experience with a somewhat baby/child-like feel to it. Of cause it's difficult to talk about these connections between childlike feelings and sexuality because it could easily be misunderstood. "womb of light" .. I will take that image with me into my practice. Thank you. <3 About the glass dildo being cold - For me, it is not a problem, maybe because my vibrator has a heating function so I can play with both the hot and cold, but also because my vulvodynia has a kind of burning sensation, so the cold can be relieving. Yes! You should try yoga for the psoas muscle - known to make women cry ? I use this video before my menstruation or penetration sex if possible. - Also. I just came back from an ayahuasca retreat where I experienced a lot of healing in my womb and pelvic area. I will be excited to share these experiences with you in a couple of days! <3

<3