Sine

Member
  • Content count

    217
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Sine

  1. A lot of good things are happening in my life, but it's so frustrating that I still feel so sad and scared all the time anyway. I got accepted at the National Academy for Creative Writing which is like............ INSANE. But not only that - the call-back-interview went ... I thought I was dreaming! They only had praise to say about the text I brought. It feels unreal to say it out loud here, but it's true. I was so confused afterward, but it happened. I never got so much praise in one chunk in my whole life. It was painful not to be able to share this experience with Wave. I felt so happy then so sad around and around. I think that day, after the interview, was the day I was the closest to calling his phone number after he had died. Then a few days after, they called and said I got a spot. So I'm one of the ten people picked out from 500 writers. It's so crazy. I just want to take it in and enjoy it. Why do hurtful experiences and negative comments always impact you more than positive ones? If someone told me I was a lousy writer, I would believe it with no doubt. But now, when I got proof that many important writers in my country think I'm decent... I still doubt that it's true for real. Then I went to my third Vipassana retreat, and I think I failed. The other times I have felt so "enlightened" and glowy afterward. This time I came out more - or at least the same amount of depressed as before, and I still have all the thoughts about joining Wave. And then also, my leg is weird now; it sleeps no matter what I do, even when I run. Maybe life is leaving my body slowly. I am sick of myself and sick of this grief. I have been thinking about last summer when I felt so free and happy, what it was that I did. I meditated daily and did shadow work and rituals alone I spend a lot of time alone I was in sort of nature (at least more than now) I had one very close friend that I talked with daily, and I felt loved by him I had a rule to only make dates with friends and such on the weekends I was at university I prioritized writing a lot, often in the morning before I walked the dog I lowered my expectations to myself regarding school work I listened to Bentinho Massaro a lot and also some Leo and some Matt Kahn every day I planned every week ahead I should get some of these back; maybe it could help. But I don't know; sometimes it can hurt to listen to people like Bentinho or Leo when you are stuck in suffering. I want to meditate more and prioritize writing. I haven't been writing nearly as much as I wished these months. I don't know; it just doesn't feel easy to do stuff like I used to. I want to sleep all the time; it's not like me at all. I miss him so much.
  2. Yes please make this one @Leo Gura Or maybe like the guided exercise you made on forgiving anyone but for forgiving yourself.
  3. You should not game her, you should get really focused on making your life an attractive life to be part of, then she (and every other girl) will want to be with you. Also maybe try one of these courses/workshops https://www.jakewoodard.com/ <3
  4. I dreamt that I had lost not only Wave but also my mom and I was a child. Later in the dream, I looked at pictures of him with his mom, realizing how I forgot so many small things, like how he took forever to get ready when we were supposed to go somewhere. At the end of the dream, right before waking up, there was this sense of being able to talk with him and be near him. I used to be the kind of person that never pressed the snooze button, but now it has become so difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Something incredible happened last week. The writing school called me, asking me to come in for an interview. I'm so proud that they picked me because they only pick 12 out of about 400 applications. It's not set in stone yet, though. I have to bring a new text to the interview. Only around 6-8 get finally accepted to become students. But even if I don't get in, I'm very proud that I succeeded in writing the application - because that was in February, only two months after he died, in the middle of my exams and my mom's exams that I helped her with. And they also said on the phone, "no matter what, you should take this as a huge acknowledgment." It was weird being so happy after the call because I wanted to share it with Wave. I told it to all of my other friends, but no one was him. In the evening, I lit a candle and looked at his pictures while speaking it aloud to him, but It was not the same. I miss hugging him. I know I can turn this around somehow; I know I will at some point be better at connecting to him inside me and that he, in that way, will help me to direct love towards myself. I have a deep intuition about this, but it's not a straight road. The interview is this Saturday. I have to bring a text, and I have the perfect one, but the problem is that it is too long. So I'll have to decide whether to use another text or cut in it - and then which part should I cut? I get so anxious about important decisions. I'm tired of that. I don't want it to be like that anymore. It's such a significant opportunity for me right now to learn how to become my own loving parent instead of crying on the phone to Wave or trying to guess what my mom would want me to do. I make an effort to see clearly and not freak out. Yesterday I was convinced that because I felt so insecure and worried, the interview would go wrong, and I won't be able to create a good text. Today I'm trying to take it slow, ignoring thoughts about how other people are working hard right now, doing real jobs, and that I'm a failure for sitting here Wednesday at noon, trying to soften my heart and take deep breaths. I just finished my bachelor project two weeks early, for fuck sake. It will never be good enough for that internal voice anyway, so I might just sit here. I got a book from one of my girlfriends about "reclaiming the feminine power" it says that according to the day I'm at in my menstruation cycle this week, my body is experiencing a withdrawal from oestrogen, testosterone, and progesterone hormones, meaning I will feel more insecure and have thoughts like "I'm not good enough" - it also means I will have a better intuition though, and be better at detecting bullshit (it said that) whatever that means. It was helpful to find such a logical explanation for my feelings. That's precisely what he always did for me. Fuck I miss him so much. It's difficult to feel the pain and not run away from it, but I try. I'm thinking about what Leo once said about becoming a superconductor regarding emotional processing. The characters in the story have a lot of Wave in them. And me. In the world of my writings, we are less separate; it's as If both of our persons were just crushed and then crumbled randomly into these new avatars inside the story. It's like looking at each other and being looked at, at the same time. But I started writing it before he died. It's painful because now writing becomes a little bit like dreaming - like it's a place I can be with him, but then when I get out of the state, I realize again he is dead.
  5. There is this scene in breaking bad that really made an impact on me. I usually don't like watching movies and series that are violent or even just exciting, because it makes me nervous. But we used to do it together. It was more okay for me when he was there, and I think it was a way for us to connect. There is a line in one of those songs that he listened to a lot: Usually, I put Something on TV So we never think About you and me But today I see Our reflections Clearly in Hollywood Laying on the screen It feels kind of dull when I read it like this, but cliché things are cliché for a reason. The last thing we watched together was The OA I think. I remember us being so freaked out because whenever we watched a new episode some synchronicity would happen and it would make reality feel really malleable and blurry. It wouldn't surprise me if that series was cursed or infused with some sort of metaphysical-cyber-psychedelics. I had a wolf-hoodie on my favorites list in this thrift-store app I have on my phone. It is special because the girl in OA has one exactly like it. I knew Wave would find it totally epic if I got it. But we were on the break. I bought it now. Too late for him to see. it's so absurd. Wearing it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I just really wish he hadn't died. I keep going back in my mind. It has become a little better. In the beginning, it was unbearable. I was constantly in my imagination. What if I had said that instead of that. What if I hadn't moved. What if I had called that day when I wanted to but didn't. What if I had been more persistent. What if I hadn't been such a slut and such a bitch and such a The scene from breaking bad is the scene (obviously) where Jane dies from Jessie. It's something about the choice Walt makes about letting her die because he thinks he knows what's best for Jessie. And then something about who has the blame. Because if Jessie had not been there, then Jane wouldn't have started using drugs again. But if Walt hadn't been there, then she wouldn't have been sleeping on her back, suffocating in her own puke. And if Jane hadn't died then her dad wouldn't have failed at work, resulting in the plane crash killing hundreds of people. But then maybe if she had not died, they would have continued to use heroin and ruin their lives, and maybe end up hurting their own child if they had one or maybe dying both of them. So maybe Walt actually did the best thing for Jessie when he didn't save Jane. But what if they had succeeded in becoming clean and happy. Then Walt just killed a girl and in a way hundreds of people, for nothing. And what if then Jessie dies or ruins his life or doesn't do anything that helps anyone, then it really is for nothing. I feel so stupid writing this. Because of course, I know that nothing is no one's fault. And there is no way to know if anything is for the better or worse because it's a loop that never ends. it was Wave who showed me the story about the farmer. Once upon a time, there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer. --Zen Parable it's funny how life is. Whenever I see God I'm gonna fucking punch him in the stomach because some shit is just not funny. I know Wave would tell me this story now if he saw me sitting here mourning him. And I guess that is actually what he is doing because I remember it, and he is inside me. I feel like his suicide just turned my life up at super level hard mode. And I don't feel very capable but I'm really just trying to trust that the self who is me outside from time and space knows what she is doing. And that Wave knows what he is doing. I'm really trying to hold on to faith.
  6. Go to a free course. You should definitely do it. It will make you better at your job. A course is worth sacrificing stuff for because it really has the potential to push you many steps forward in development.
  7. I read a study about when people feel very existentially lonely (very aware that you can't experience exactly what it's like to be me and vice versa) then they feel lower levels of meaning in life... BUT then when they experience a "mystical experience" - like ego-dissolution from psychedelics - then they feel life has meaning unaffected by their level of existential loneliness - so the loneliness doesn't stop but it just doesn't equal meaninglessness for them anymore. Okay but that wasn't my point. My point was that the authors then reflected on some people just having low levels of existential loneliness - and therefore high levels of meaning, without ever having had a mystical experience. - I remembered it in relation to this because the authors suggested this to be a life of "blissful ignorance in regard to existential concerns" So my point is - yea most people enjoy life at some level I think because they are in such a state of blissful ignorance. It's like in the bible. Don't eat the fucking apples. Right? But then again. Maybe it's like a fairytale that starts happy, then goes into the darkness and challenges, and you kind of wish you never left home, but then the story ends and you become more happy than you ever could have imagined before. So most people are happy on some level but not compared to how happy they maybe could end up being if they dared to let go of their happiness? I don't know...
  8. One thing that comes to mind is my mother reading books to me. I have multiple memories of it because she did it a lot. The memories are special to me because it is (kind of) stored as if they happened in real life - like I actually lived the stories. I think it shaped my personality a lot because when you asked us some time ago about our favorite part of reality, mine was imagination. I feel loved in those memories... Maybe because sharing a story like that is as close you can come to having the same experience as each other - which eradicates existential loneliness in some sense maybe... To me, today I feel the most unloved when I feel existential lonely. So I think that could be a thing about it. Also, the attention and her choosing to spend her time with me. There is also something to be physically close to her, her smell and the warmth and safety in her bed. Today I guess I also connect safety to love. Then there is the part of getting to be a child and be taken care of. That's probably also important to why I feel loved because my childhood was kind of rough and a lot of the time I had to take care of her and comfort her - so when she read to me, the roles were as they were supposed to be. I don't think I ever felt loved by my father. I haven't thought about it in that way until now. But I can't think of any memories of love with him. But he was also very distant. it surprises me I don't have more memories of love in my childhood ... haha wow. But yea It's a sense of I felt loved in general, but actual distinct memories are difficult to find... There is also something about holding hands with my parents and being tucked in at night by my mother. Probably the safety aspect again.
  9. This is also again you thinking that you know so much! You don’t know Gods aim. Imagine that it’s a love so big you can’t comprehend it with a normal human mind. If you really zoom out far enough, things that doesn’t seem like it to you could actually be a perfect directed plan leading to this ultimate kind of love seen from Gods perspective.
  10. Sin only mean to miss the spot you aimed at. It’s not bad, it’s just something that happens so you can be redirected. When you understand this you will see that the existence of “sins” is also love.
  11. Good job, here are some book recommendations if you want to explore this subject deeper https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320 https://www.amazon.com/Understand-Women-Better-Lorin-Krenn-ebook/dp/B08PV9BYMW
  12. These have helped me deal with the guilt and regret related to my partner's suicide. Maybe they could be helpful for you too. One thing I also tell myself is that: It doesn't make sense to blame myself that I wasn't who I am now, then. Because it apparently needed to happen, for me to gain the wisdom I gained. Another thing is to trust GOD and that this was the ONLY way you could gain the particular wisdom you apparently needed. Your day-to-day-self is a stupid little motherfucker-idiot compared to GOD, so even though your mind may think things would have been better if so or so, or you could have learned stuff through other means..... just shut it up. Because GOD knows best and GOD is beyond human-ness so don't try to use your human mind to figure it out. Rather lean back and trust. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. And then work on expanding your consciousness and go out and have a lot of mind-blowing and life-changing experiences, because the more you grow the smaller the things that feel big now, will seem. Try to remember how short life is, don't waste too much time. What is the opposite of guilt? acceptance or maybe self-love? Those are pretty good things to gain. So this experience came to you and I (in different forms) so we can learn the lessons of acceptance and self-love. That is an amazing gift! Don't know about you but for me... just what I had put on my wish list! Let's try to realize this and then learn the shit quickly so we won't suffer for much longer and make other people suffer in relation to that. That's my advice I love you and I believe you will feel better soon.
  13. Thank you all for the kind and supportive messages <3
  14. I want to share with you that WaveInTheOcean, user of this forum, my best friend, soul-twin and partner through many rounds, has died. He committed suicide on the 8th of december. He shared a great deal of insights, advice, trip-reports and good vibes in here and I know many other users have expressed gratitude towards him and some have reached out to him in private messages. I believe he was a big part of this place. I can not tell you, why he choose to end his life. This post is extremely difficult for me to write and I feel like nothing I could say would perfectly capture what has happened. I know he had trouble sleeping during long periods and was deeply tormented by this and I know he have had suicidal thoughts periodically through many years. It is so difficult for me to comprehend this, because if anyone loved life, it was WaveInTheOcean, and if you have read any of his writings in here, you will know. He was the most beautiful expression of love and he shared it with so many. He had so many friends and was close with his family, I know he met with people and had conversations on the phone up until the last day. He knew he was loved, I am sure of it, however, he still made this decision, and no matter how many times i try to turn it around, looking at it from different perspectives, it was his decision to make. The last thing he wrote in here was: "Truth you don't find. Truth finds you. Sooner or later. What you then do, no one knows. If you knew, it would already have found you." Since all of the days I knew him, he was fascinated about discovering the Truth. It could be a pain in the ass but I also loved that about him. He was the smartest and most openminded person you could imagine. He shaped my personality and my life in such ways that I will be forever grateful. He discovered life, he discovered love and now he has also discovered death. I love him so much and I will do so for ever, I hold him in such deep admirations that it must go through all times and spaces. Not too long a go someone narrated one of his trip-reports and made it into a beautiful video. I want to share that one with you: And also one of the songs he used to like:
  15. Yes. Around when we first met he had just tried LSD for the first time and had a "bad trip" where he had felt like the universe said he should kill him self. That is around 7 years ago. Then around 3 years ago I had a weird feeling and asked him about it, where he admitted that he had had thoughts about it again and had actually written a note and taken the train out to a place where he could jump out. But then he had gotten second thoughts. One of his friends told me at the funeral that he had mentioned suicidal ideas to him not such a long time ago, but he had promised the friend that he wouldn't do it and that he could never do it to his family and friends. He probably had many more of these thoughts than i was aware of. He expressed thoughts to me about maybe being bipolar and he tried to self medicate with lithium. But one of his friends told me that to him, he had rejected the idea of being bipolar. So I'm not sure how he exactly felt about it. The mania looked like god-realizations and being really aware that he was God, as many of you know. But I'm careful about stating that as "mental illness" - i just think it's really complicated. I believe he in fact reached high states of awareness. The problem was more that he couldn't find silence in his thoughts, he couldn't stop talking and he couldn't sleep. He obsessed over topics like our relationship, zodiac signs, personality types and such - when i first started to know him it was just cute and fun parts of his personality but it became more and more like something that hurt him and more and more "manic" to the point where it frightened me a little bit - also a reason why we decided to take time apart. When he was depressed he went into himself, stop posting on the forum, he couldn't sleep, he stopped answering my messages and such. I didn't know this part of him so well because he kept it to himself but i believe there was also some anxiety involved. He did not himself feel that the "manic" periods was bad - that was when he was happy, I think he was mostly tormented during the depressive periods. It was just to me that the "manic" periods was problematic, because I got scared. And then I think that his many experiences with divinity made him simply not afraid to die at all.
  16. Yes. I actually checked in on if he was active or not everyday during our "break". Because I knew when he got too depressed he wouldn't be active in here. And I saw he stopped logging in. But I just thought maybe actually he was doing good and being busy with exams and new friends so I didn't contact him. It is really tormenting me now. We had a deal that we would always call if everything went shit. So I thought he would call me if he needed me. I didn't want to interrupt our break because of worry. Life is really really brutal sometimes. I can't go back in time. Haha, yes, I know he liked interacting with you too and enjoyed your writings and was inspired. Thank you.
  17. @Leo Gura Yes very much. He was sort of my boyfriend but openly and free - best friends first of all. He introduced me to you almost seven years ago and we began the journey of meditation, open-mindedness and psychedelics together. He had periods of depression during winter and a kind of mania during the summers and it had gotten worse the past year. I hadn't talked to him since august because we took some time apart on purpose, but I know he was surrounded my many friends and family and he had also just got accepted to study psychology at the university. We are 27.
  18. Yes I have been thinking about SoonHei too. But I feel this has so many dimensions to it. I don't want to go much into what his reasons was because it's only WaveInTheOcean who can know and that is okay. I'm just sure it is not just one single thing but many factors that played together.
  19. I have discovered that a lot of my issues would be dissolved from identifying less with the body. This being for example; abandonment fears, existential loneliness, fear of being hurt in genereal, feelings of being weak, feelings and beliefs about needing protection, eating disorder-stuff etc. and also a sense of me not being able to achieve the same things/reach the same levels of consciousness as men (a deep limiting belief that I have become more and more aware of recently). I'm very excited about having discovered this but I'm also frustrated because I want to move on now. Basically it feels like a lot of growth would come from me learning to let go of this. So, If you have any recommendations of practices that helps one identifying less with the body and more as the whole universe I would really like for you to share them with me. I practice Vipassana meditation and have been on retreats - but my problem here is that I "see" a picture of the body parts in my minds eye, when I'm scanning the body. In this video (see the link) Frank Yang recommends to let go of those images. Everything he says resonates a lot with me, but I have anyway not been able to do it, no matter how hard I try, the images keeps being there. I feel like letting go off those images, could be the key to detachment? But it seems almost impossible. If anyone have had struggles like this, and maybe resolved them, I would like for you to share. I feel really frustrated at this point! (I have done some different psychedelics too so don't worry) (It's not that I haven't had experiences of being "more than my body" - I have definitely had them, but I want to make it stick to my daily life) Please help me succeed! All the love xoxo
  20. If she is into that maybe meditate with her or even better if you yourself can guide her through a meditation/body scan before you have sex, because this will make her feel both secure and like you are kind of in charge of the situation so she can let go, and it will also make her better able to "feel her self" One thing you can also try, is to ask her to make herself cum, without you touching but just holding her and speaking to her. Because if she is has suffers from sexual trauma og non-beneficial beliefs about sex/her body, then just having an orgasm in front of you could be difficult.
  21. Yea. i just did LSD. But it went terrible and I can't even remember it. The thing is that it always becomes so intense that it almost feels like it's too much and then days or even weeks after I actually can't feel my body at all, like the sense of touch is gone. Like the psychedelics shocked my body or something. Well the majority of my trips have been good and helpful, but it feels like they bulldoze my body.
  22. No, not necessarily, at least to my experience it is possible to transcend this. Yes, but I am not the body or the mind? but then again @Leo Gura said "you are also the body" - so I just don't know anymore. Well I guess it must be because my body is part of everything that is? but then it's not my body more than your body is my body? Okay I thought I had thought more about this but I'm really still very confused.
  23. Haha this, yes. Thank you for the video. I love the way Matt Kahn explain things and the way he helps one open up to self love, I'll watch it. Yes. I feel so weird sometimes, one day feeling totally aware and developed and conscious, and then the next day - or even the next moment, doing something - like ED-stuff, that seems totally like someone who had never started this path would do. And that makes me feel very lost sometimes. Yea I guess maybe "I am not the body, I am not the mind" is not the best entrance point to God from where i am at the moment. There are many entrance points anyway.
  24. Yes thank you this is very helpful, especially that about they eyes. Actually I do feel that the "map of the body" starts disappearing towards the end of the meditation. I am going to my third retreat soon - my goal is to become able to sit through the small breaks also, so the meditation will be consistent for more than just 1 hour.