RickyFitts

@Blackhawk What makes you sad, exactly? Constructive conversations? Doesn't wallowing in your own misery make you sad, too?

Exactly that, yes! It's like you descend from Purgatory into Hell, which can then transform into Heaven in an instant. A lot of people can get stuck in Purgatory though, as I did, which can feel like Hell but isn't quite it. I don't notice so much mental activity these days tbh, though my thinking can still turn pretty hateful, resentful, angry, and depressive if I let it - I can be one judgmental fucker, truth be told, I harbour a lot of grievances towards various people. I can relate to this a lot, my mind was incredibly chaotic when I was at my worst. I found that most of my mental activity was an unconscious attempt to cope with the inner turmoil I was experiencing, so I had to learn to somehow allow the underlying feelings to discharge (that became the essence of my meditation practice). Might not necessarily be the case for you, of course.

So true! And then you might try to reverse-engineer it (as I've tried to ) to make it happen again, but it's bloody easier said than done! As for whether it was an emotional transmutation, that's a good question - I would say so, yes. Deep suffering turned into bliss in an instant, amazing really. It's not a path I'd recommend to anyone, though, but learning how to surrender consciously is a lot of effort (or at least it has been for me - it's what my spiritual practice has been all about).

It kind of is a giving up - a surrender, as they often talk about in spiritual circles. That's how it was for me back in 2012 when I had my initial awakening, I woke up early one morning in abject turmoil, suffering terribly - and then something snapped inside me, I knew I couldn't resist the suffering any more. Next thing I knew I was looking out of the window (to this day I don't remember actually getting up, it's weird), feeling like I'd just woken up from a very bad dream.

I was at exactly the same place you were, at virtually the same time - four years ago I felt like I was in a very dark place, and there just seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was even googling the best ways to go about it (drug overdose apparently isn't the way to go), felt like I had no other option. Just couldn't quite bring myself to do it though, boy was I close though... I've had phases of feeling suicidal, I remember there were times in my mid-twenties where I'd wake up in the morning and I'd just think, 'Why even go on?' I felt so lost and alone, I couldn't see any reason to go on. It's not like I was really hysterical or anything, I'd plan it all out quite rationally in my head - the best way to go about it, how to make it look like an accident so it'd be easier on my family (so they didn't have to live with the stigma of suicide).

An interesting development I've noticed in the past few days is the resurfacing of childhood memories, most of them from around the first year of high school which is telling - that wasn't a very happy time in my life, I spent most of the year feeling very lonely and afraid (I was a shy, sensitive kid anyway, and being in an environment with all those older, pubescent kids felt... harrowing, to be honest) and I think it had a profound effect on me, left me with a lot of mental and emotional scarring. Not much fun revisiting that period of my life, obviously, though I think it's a positive sign that those memories are resurfacing, I think that's an almost inevitable part of the process of healing trauma and emotional wounding. Energetically I'm very aware of blockages in the upper part of my chest at the moment, feels very heavy and sore at times. I did see the following video on the subject of heart-opening symptoms just before though, figured I'd share it whilst I'm here for anyone who's interested:

Well, no, because a crucifix is a representation of Jesus on the cross. You can have a cross though, if that's what you mean, heck I'll even nail you to the fucker if you like

I've posted this one before but I just love this live version (I think it's much tighter than the album version that I previously linked), so I'm posting it again:

Completely agree with this - I like Adyashanti's take on it: 'True meditation isn't about mastering a technique, it's about letting go of control'. He also gives the simple instruction in relation to meditation to 'allow everything to be as it is', which is the most effective approach for my money.

I reckon you might be right about that - it's actually extremely common in humans and yet so few people are conscious of the fact, so it shows great self-awareness that you can see this in yourself. I think a big part of the reason that humans tend to have difficulty connecting with themselves is because if they were to connect with themselves, what they would probably discover is a lot of upset, and unfortunately we tend to repress such feelings. So a good question to consider might simply be, 'What don't I want to feel right now?'.

The irony of this is that your judgement of yourself as a stupid person is also generating suffering for yourself, but you don't realise this because you believe that self-judgement. But you don't generate suffering for yourself because you're stupid, you generate suffering for yourself because you've been conditioned to resist the pain inside you - that happens unconsciously, it isn't your fault. Feel that resistance, notice where you feel it in your body. Allow it to relax, let your body breathe.

Beautifully said You're absolutely right about not trying to brute force our way through, and about having love, respect, and patience instead - patience in particular is so important for me personally I think, allowing things to unfold in their own time. It's a gradual process, but the more patient we are, the quicker things will unfold.

This is key I think, I love this I've felt an unwillingness in myself of late to let go of my sense of personhood, I guess because I identify with this sense and I feel like there's going to be nothing left if I let go of it - that I'll cease to exist, essentially. At the same time I recognise on some level that I have to let go of it if I want to be truly free, but the thought of letting go brings up feelings of sorrow and fear. But surrender, as you say, is what is required.

@Breakingthewall Fasciculation is a new word on me, I must admit - had to google it, it's a muscle spasm for anyone else who wasn't sure. In the East I believe they'd call this a kriya, it's very common in relation to kundalini awakening.

???

Brings to mind a scene from the British sitcom 'Peep Show':

'To embody any degree of realization requires us to uncover and expose those remaining mental and emotional fixations that inhibit the spontaneous movement of wisdom and love within our lives. For most, this is no small task. It all starts by taking full responsibility for our own inner and outer lives, and noticing the ways in which our own fear, judgment, resentment, and confusion cloud our ability to respond to the challenges of life in a wise and appropriate way.' - Adyashanti

Love this so much ???