Nadosa

I've heard from students of Culadasa who had Schizophrenia could actually just let their voices be and observe them. So I don't buy your belief.

Nah its just smth I cant really explain. It is either like I am totally at peace or I am totally in question about everything. I dont know WHO I am, I just know I am. Sometimes thats what keeps me living. It is not smth that can be explained logically to a specialist. Because when I try, all I come up with is a story that is not about me anyways.

Yes.

Allowing everything to be as it is, that's the way how I survive everyday. What was experienced, wasn't something of the normal kind. The experience, that something is missing in me and slowly and steadily got lost more and more over the past years isn't something I made up. That's what was and still is experienced. I dont know who I am and who I was back then, who it is that is writing this post, compared to the one that wrote a post 4 years ago, when everything started. There is a feeling of confusion and fear. The experience of not knowing and not being able to identify with the one who started here posting about a feeling of "dying" - is crippling. The feeling of wanting to identify the one again is not really pleasant either, because the one is dead, it tends to create a panic, it feels discordant, as if a part of my soul just stopped existing. Then there is the feeling of it playing all just in thoughts vs it being a "real" "memory-time-experience". It makes me feel like a fool. But it is whatever smth that was experienced. People ask how I am, what do I feel like - I could never answer the question the same as before the awakening. Just a crippling wave of confusion, of a bittersweet sense of loss. There is no sense of I anymore, and if, then I just pretend to be "I", knowing inside everything looks torn and wild. There is no stable ground. Maybe I have lost a part of my soul, maybe I am doomed, maybe there is a demon playing shit games inside of me, but it is what it is, and everyone has to struggle with their own minds. I know Ive been at war with myself for 4 years, I can go crazy if I want, I can relax if I want to, I have the power to just go insane and not feel good. And having the sense to be able to go down that road drives me mad too. I feel like a misfit. I can endure enormous states of suffering because I know the impermanence of it. Its crippling, I hate knowing that. I prefer not having to experience that at all. I desperately try to find a common ground with other people and reframing for my current condition. I try to reframe it as "its just all in thoughts" just to kinda get connected to my Friends and Family at least for a bit. Meditation is a life raft for me. I see no light yet, just being in the midst of a storm and ducking seems to give me a sense of relief. However I am myself tired of ranting. Its been the same for 4 years and no amount of letting go and meditation can shed a light on it. I always end up as "Me" being doomed. As much as I appreciate every single help, I always find myself getting back into "something is missing". Or maybe im just tricking myself here. I just wish I could do stuff people do in my age, they go drinking, partying, live their lives, whereas my mind is just spinning thoughts around who I am as soon as I wake up. Feeling like I die to a new self everyday, perceptions shifting in all directions, sense of self is not located in the body but somewhere in space whereas thoughts just are that making me feel like everything I write is a bluff anyways. Then I try to go back to normal, but its a point of no return. Trying to look at my past self, I wouldnt tell him everything would be fine, because he just ends up being more confused than 4 years ago. Still hope tho. Got some books ahead. Course in miracles.

Sometimes the little me comes on, and it says "I died, why am I still alive", which leaves me utterly confused, last time nearly psychotic, I transcended it tho. Now I know what I am. But the more time passes (in the paradigm of time passage and a person in time), the more the little me gets confused about it. I know this is all just the mind spinning around what was experienced. But what was experienced was actual. Because i cant sometimes explain what i feel. Other than: a part of me died and in the Paradigm of old thinking and believing there is a thinker, this "part" feels like "me". Which makes letting go so much harder as soon as I am not occupied entirely (for example when I was with my ex girlfriend or my passions etc).

I Just wish i knew what is happening. This entire process is soo intense.

I Just meditated and I felt like every thought was just not true. Suddenly I felt like who the hell am I, because I believed every thought is about "me", and I started like having intense fear. I dont know these times are tough.

The delusion started 4 years ago and has somehow created an, what can I say, false reality around my character. Ive always been a guy with a rational and logic view on things in general. I dont have like a huge traumatic history in childhood. Yet there was this day when I sensed this huge Resistance in my stomach area, it felt like a death, I didnt really know what happened. I was watching game of thrones when there was a thought growing bigger and bigger, whereas I thought "I was having a thought", the thought basically said "what if this I just dies now, what can I do about it"... I just try to relive what happened and gain understanding with another perspective on it. It felt like the entire security web of my mind got shattered to pieces and I basically felt like I was dying for straight 1 year on and off. I have since then ONLY found happiness in feeling and what feels good to me. Yet I can sense still the part which wants the security web of the mind but it just doesnt work anymore. This part of me is frightened, it thought "I" died and I basically posted here in a total paranoid manner. I really want to heal this part. But it just is broken, scared, maybe not even existant? Who knows man. What was the delusion now? I dont know, I tried to create a person, identity around this entire event which could "understand" it in "a personal" way. But it didnt work. I tried to work things out via a separate self on healing a separate self. Of course I felt miserable. My brain has still collections of the feelings and perceptions felt during that time in the eyes of a separate self. I could no longer surpress them. They always popped up in conscioussness. This need to understand. But this difference is so huge, I mean the difference in perception and perspective, whether there is a you "perceiving" the events or the actual presence reviewing the events. While in presence, for example making music, there is no "I" making it, but the universe, I feel good. As soon as there is a separation nothing feels good. I oftentimes feel like something is wrong with my person, because what I faced could only be "healed" when I went beyond personhood. Will this person I am ever "integrate" what happened? I dont know. It feels like it can only be integrated on a non-personal level.

My journey started 4 years ago, rather involuntarily. I basically thought on one day (I was 19 years old) that I was dying, accompanied by suicidal thoughts that didn't come from a place of true love, they just appeared out of nowhere whilst a part of the brain felt like it broke. The security-web of the ever-present, ignorant, unconscious belief patterns were within one day shattered into nothingness. Pain and suffering were on their peak. I was losing my mind, I was completely utterly broken to the point I didn't believe in sanity anymore. I was just there. I couldn't pinpoint who was there. It was just me. I faced my own death, not one time, not two times, the journey was filled with dozen times of letting go of "self-referential thoughts", everything that was left then was just nothing but presence. If anyone goes through something similar, trust in the process, trust the love. I know what it's like when you fear yourself, when you think and believe that you don't exist. I didnt know what happened, but everytime presence shines through, I know what I am, who I am, with an unshakable trust in Love and my Self.

I've been through hell. But as letting go of discordant thoughts happens, all that stays is here and now. I've been sitting for straight one hour this morning just feeling good and at peace in nature. Peace <3

My entire body is shaking. It feels like I lived in a dream my entire life. I feel like I die to whatever comes. I dont know what to do and what happens. I Just feel like my body gets rid of lots of stored energy atm. It started when I connected to my soul and Truth today when listening to my fav band Brand New. Suddenly I started crying all out, the days of suffering, tears. And now it feels like there is a major Shift in conscioussness.

Just someone to talk to is helpful. Not particularly a therapist. I felt immense trouble trying to communicate what Ive been going through to therapists and people that dont understand emotions or awakening because you feel like they have no clue what youre going through and youre left even more desperate than before. So I suggest talking to @Nahm as he has some good guidance. But in the end no one can save you but yourself. Surrender, surrender, surrender. Repeat this mantra: "just be, have faith", it was a life raft for me.

Could you just be aware of any concepts going on in THOUGHTS? I know what it's like to believe I am this and that, I was at a terrible place. But really, you are none of that.

It feels like Im a newborn, I was compeltely utterly broken, until there was this deeper realization: I dont have control, I can just be. Without Engagement. Ive never understood all these years what was happening. I just felt annihilated from myself. Whereas Truth knocked at the door.

When you suffer. Just choose to be. Just be. Do it now consciously. Not even a doer needed. All will fall into one space where all your life has taken place, where all your life is unfolding and will unfold. Just be. I am here for you and will always be there ♥️

Even the worst nightmares end

Bro. No. Dont do it. Seek professional help asap.

...and surprise surprise nothings wrong with my body. Still this part of me, my brain whatever it is, has stored these deep anchored memories of whatever it was, "the death" of my person. And whenever those are triggered I get vivid flashbacks of this Annihilation and feel like I dont belong here anymore. I focused on it 4 weeks ago and it felt traumatizing going to work, I was switching between mind-created reality and myself, back and forth, I thought I was going crazy. The thoughts put "this person" in this concept of time and I feel completely confused about everything what I had previously "realized" via meditation. The thoughts feel anchored to a deep "part" inside of me, this persona, they pull me to a place of insanity, of feeling annihilated from the world and forever stuck in thoughts, better said, they put me in exactly that state of feeling and thinking that felt like Annihilation 4 years ago. When the dream ended. How do I know if the person died? Idk. It just felt like death at that point. Since that day the only thing keeping me alive here is the feeling of goodness. Nothing else. Because thought and everything going on in thoughts is just pure madness pulling me back into a personhood that no longer makes sense to me. I didnt die. But I cant say that sentence with a hundred percent certainty unless someone kicks my ass with Truth, then I reconnect at least a bit "to whatever I am". Which is madness. Then I judge this madness. And the madness gets even worse. I Just cant live with that story anymore, its robbing all of my energy. But I can own it. Its there. And will always be there. As this person continues living.

Hanging on the lip of insanity for the last weeks, I've been questioning myself, why the hell I am doing it? Then I snapped out seeing I can choose NOT to feel like that. I can just be here and now happy. I kinda feel like it's a mechanism or something that I like to feel: "I am an outstanding, separate individual". Then I question why I have to be separate from everything. Why cant I just be here, happy, thoughts come: "because you are insane, you cant ever be happy with those kind of thoughts, you are a separate insane human being. Even having such thoughts prooves you're insane, because nobody else has such thoughts, you are alone dealing with YOUR thoughts. Nobody else is dealing with them." Now I can choose to believe them too. What I did for the last weeks. Basically I am responsible for my own sanity. No one can take that from me. Once one touches Truth. There is no way back. Ever.

I also dont know who I am.

This damn goddamn confusing metamorphisis process. It brings me to my knees. I am crying day by day I WANT TO LIVE. I allowed myself to cry today because I dont speak, I dont talk to anyone about my suffering. Because I want to be a warrior and battle this for myself. Everyone in my environment recognised smth is wrong, my colleagues in the Hospital realizing my state of steady rumination about things that dont make sense at all. I dont even realize myself anymore, what the hell I am thinking. And just judging what I think is pure madness. I dont wanna talk about thoughts and images and all the shitty beliefs because they just seem schizophrenic and they scare me because I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL DUDE. Then this burden of memories of my old self distresses my entire sense of self. This self died. And it just feels like a part of me died and i cant let go, I keep identifying and analyzing everything over and over because I have the urge to heal or cure what I faced, but it just doesnt work, Im just confused. I felt like I died. I really believed I did. No, I just held on to a delusion, an illusion, an illusion that thought it died. It still has ahold of me. But I couldnt let go. No one understood. I told everyone Im dying. A part of me dies. I told therapists, psychiatrists, I didnt find help and felt SO alone. I went on with suffering beyond what could be bearable. You could describe this dying part as unconsciousness. As soon as it is made conscious, I feel kinda "lighter". Then I kinda made this part "conscious", I reconnected to my humanness, experienced oneness and just chose to be happy and could kinda forget everything about it...meditated approximately 80 hours via Rupert Spira and felt good, thoughts were spent on relationships, music projects...the thought "of me" crossed my mind here and there leaving a wave of sheer terror. Sometimes I reidentified and felt like a wave of confusion panic, as if "I" was already dead, laid to rest way back "in the past". No, as if it didnt even exist in the first place. Two years later, now, I kinda let go of spirituality and really dismissed any awareness practises, self-doubt, insecurity reappeared, the thought of "who am I" came crashing down again. Then I focused on the "self that died" thought and it felt like I was so deeply drawn into unconscious beliefs, I felt like I was going crazy and set back into the past where it all started. The Story DOESNT make sense, I am just floating around on autopilot letting my unconsciousness play the game of life. AND I FEEL MISERABLE. DISCONNECTED FROM ANY HUMANNESS. My brain feels broken - the clue is Im perfectly healthy physically. And I just realize what Im doing to everyone in my state of unconscious rumination. Im crying and feeling shame and guilt. But I feel sick. My brain is just sick. A Flip switched 4 years ago. It felt like there was no other way than living consciously, but do you believe my lazy ass ever lets go of anything that doesnt serve me?! No he just blindly believes every sick thought. I am a nurse. And I do it with love and passion. Last weeks were just unbearable. I just felt sorry for everyone dealing with such a mess. I went into the rooms and felt so close yet so far away from the patients. So deep deep deep into unconscious beliefs. I felt insane. All I did was locking myself during the break and sitting on the toilet waiting for answers. I couldnt bear working in such a state of awareness anymore. Today I went to shaman and spend 140€ just to feel some sense of hope and Connection. All I was feeling and thinking when I laid there as he rubbed out apparent "energy blockages": I am fucking lost, its all made by myself, what could an exterior force ever change about my state of happiness. Im dropping in and out of a movie. It confuses me to the bone. It warps every inch of my being. Then realizing its all in my mind/thought. Then believing Im a schizophrenic wreck beyond help. Not even that. Nothing can diagnose me. Everytime I cry I come back to my humanness till this mind gives me flashbacks of whatever I thought I'd be. And Im back instantly. Into insanity. The universe screams let go. I Just want a ground. I dont want to feel crazy. I hold on to every inch of love. I dont want to give up. I know I AM love. I AM. But this NEED of JUDGING the process and DEFINE myself is so strong. Sobbing Phil.

There is no other way. My beliefs grabbed a hold of me. I always knew I must live consciously in order to feel normal. You CANT expect a life free of suffering when you believe random thoughts about yourself. I dont know what happened to me, why I blindly believed in thoughts about myself. What I can clearly feel is fear of the unknown. What will happen and what is ahead. I may no longer dwell on a past that does no longer serve me. Today is the start of a new person. Enough suffering. Enough victimhood.

I just sometimes feel like I am deadend insane or schizo because when there is no I to what are the thoughts even referring to. Then sometimes there is this sense of control. And freedom of choice. This back and forth of believing and being free is hands down so difficult...

I am oscillating straight for 4 weeks now between "me" that believes its insane and "me" that has the power to choose everything and not to suffer, that has no past, future, that everything I went through was due to imaginary beliefs. It kills me man. Its like I just cant let go of being wanting to be insane. Im also so sorry for all the shitposting the last days. Its been very tough. Its just that i dont know but I sense bliss. Then thoughts want to separate this bliss into being "me" which makes no sense anymore. Then thoughts attach to past suffering telling "no you're insane because you suffered". I just cant really sense where I go and how to integrate this. Much love

Yeah i seem to exaggerate every little inch.