Nadosa

Yeah but that actually made no sense at all. So I let it go. Went to the gym. Feeling better now. But it was weird and surely it will get triggered next time soon. Sometimes Ego deaths are really magical. Other times..mehh.

There have been serveral times where I just felt like I didnt know where I am, just like awareness but in a very uncomfortable way. Yesterday for example I got weirdly triggered into a state where my mind couldnt check "who is it experiencing this moment" and then it kind of felt odd when reacting to these feelings and thoughts because it COULDNT find anyone being aware and I am kind of in an uncomfortable "mind-created" state of utter irritation where I feel like I am aware but my mind tells me there is no one aware creating a destructive dissonance. I think it is based upon a belief that I really believe that I dont exist or died or whatever and my mind kind of fucks with this. Only trusting in "I will soon know where I am again", made it kind of passable. But I experience those moments, where I just feel irritated and detached, more often now. Anyone knows what this is?

The thing is, I kinda feel like my body hasn't anwaken like "I" did. So it kind of creates such dissonances. It is just a state yes. Passable with no resistance. It goes. And might come back. But it is creepy.

Why practise when we already are that openess?

So I established a constant Self-Inquiry Session everyday. I feel like I reveal the true Nature of I. Therefore experiencing this unlimited Peace. Everything has been so good since then. I feel like I know what I truly want. Thing is: god I am so negatively conditioned that it gets tough in some situations that triggered me before my Sessions. Meaning in that moment I feel like I got unconsciously triggered, feel down but simultaneously feel like this is "not the way it should be" because I know "what it feels like to be unconditionally Happy" but then I feel suddenly dependent again and kind of chase a State of unconditional happiness. What means more misery. And I do it all unconsciously. I do not want it! I feel like I go down the Spiral: "oh no got triggered or why am I unhappy now, why do I feel down?" I feel like I resist something. I do not want to resist that thing. BUT STILL RESIST IT ANYWAY. LEADING MY WAY DOWN THE SPIRAL OF SEEKING "BLISS". Which I know cannot be found. Trigger (not always clear what it was)-->resistance-->try to let go-->knowing that trying doesnt work-->blaming myself why cant I just Stop resisting-->keep resisting-->feeling more down-->simultaneously, in the background of all: I do not want this hamster wheel. Why do I resist even though I do not want to? I hate being soaked into others arguments and feeling like I have to defend myself as a person. It feels so unnatural. Funny thing is: I DO IT UNCONSCIOUSLY!!! I do not want to be defensive, hurt, harmed. It just happens. But I dont know what to do in these situations. My mind declared it as a "State" I have to seek and desire for. But actually I know it isnt. So whenever I feel not present, I keep chasing. It is like going in circles. I just want to be unconditionally Loving. And free of suffering. Sadly I often feel guilty for Not being present or unconditionally loving and triggered. I want to be Love.

I am addicted to living in the past. It is especially obvious in the relationship with my girlfried. I am pretty young, insecure, half awake, half asleep. I have one part in my mind that is so obsessive, full of OCD, that I am literally addicted to thinking about what I could have done better or differently everytime I meet my girlfriend and something bad happens. Due to the fact that I am not fully awake, she probably can't take me seriously or create an image of me, my frame is basically really volatile. That means, last time, for example, I hurt her, ignored her because I felt badly treated (no I just was a pussy) and instead of listening to my heart and being there for her and ignoring her drama, I really just gave a fuck. And now I feel guilty, because it obviously hurt our relation. But that is not the only case. Also, in genereal, when something bad happens, I ALWAYS have to recall it hours/days later, what exactly happened, I have to recheck, go into my memory and cant sit still until I figure out what really happened and reassure that this and that happened. You wont believe how much energy it takes for me. What I basically think it is something my ego clings to in order to keep its identity alive, because when I am not triggered, my ego is threatened, because I have come up to many realizations the past months. I really dont know what to do about this.

Somehow. 2 years ago. I believed I died. Time moved forward, but "I" didn't the day I died, but something still moved with time, something was still there. Since that day I've felt so crazy, I am nothing I can really grasp and if I try I get panic attacks because I feel like that there is nothing I can pinpoint to be "I". Till that day I feel like dying makes no sense anymore, I am still so anxious about it. But what else could it be than awakening. I just feel lost. I am still here. But who is still here. Everytime I meditate, thoughts and worries quickly come back leaving me in a state of trace. I feel trapped then. I did a good job of just letting things flow. But I cant literally face the feeling of not being there. It just seems so legit to kill myself. Because it just is what my mind tells me. I have surpressed this feeling of dying everytime it came up. I let it go sometimes. But I cant solve it. If I get triggered, it would just show me that things are meaningless and dont make sense again because against all logic I am still here whilst my mind tells me I shouldnt be. It can cause me to detach so much from everything, but not in a healthy way. When I meditate, I try to rest in awareness, but my mind always questions "who is observing? There cant be an I observing! So why is there something observing? Who is it?????". This could turn into a panic attack. It surely could drive me crazy if I didnt know how to let go. God I am so triggered (currently dealing with an ego backlash). I dont know if it just is a false belief? That I died? Why does it trigger me so deeply? Why does it hit me so deeply in my identity? What can I do? I feel basically it makes no sense to live like that whilst I am thinking about that state. It can only be liveable without thinking about it.

No, dissociation is when I really detach from reality and my body, emotional numbness. I have experienced DPDR before. This is different, so much deeper, with actual "no self".

Recent replies I got for myself: "Meditation is what 'I' does - its the erroneous notion that the separate self needs to do something in order to discover itself. With awakening, meditation simply reverses. Instead of a self meditating to discover 'awareness' or 'experiencing', its seen that 'nothingness' temporarily pulls itself together to form a conceptual 'I' from time to time, in order to interact in the dream/Maya. See that what you are is what happens when you let 'I' collapse." "Meditation won't serve you anymore, its the tool of the separate self to temporarily 'see itself'. Instead, immerse in the experiencing of experiencing itself."

So a few days ago, I started figuring out what to do about my neediness and jealousy and I found Rupert Spira to be very helpful. I decided watching and actually to do the 50min meditation. After it, I experienced like 2hours of full non-neediness and unconditional love, I was basically just happy with myself. But then, when I went to bed (it was way too late, like 1am) my monkey mind got active, telling me that I am totally lonely and detached and I was close to a panic attack, because it reminded me everything of being dissociated and depersonalized (what I experienced two years ago), unfortunately I believed everything my mind told me and I realized that I still have unconscious problems and fears I havent dealt with for a long time. Still, I love the peace the meditation brought to me but at the same time I feel like having strong identity attachments and therefore problems. But right now, I dont have the courage to meditate again, it took me like full 2 days to get back into "life" as a "person"...How should I approach this?

Thank you. I tried again. The habit came back. It is a strong defense mechanism and I dont really want to meditate again. But on the other side I want to...but this feeling is just too uncomfortable to face again.

I dont have the courage to meditate again. I feel threatened.

Thanks, but that doesnt really help me, because I am kind of afraid to go back into that state since my mind can really mess with it.

Short story: Awakened two years ago. Ever since life feels like it shouldnt have happened after that day or feels like it is "a dream". Feeling like my person, ego, sense of self is there but I cant attach to it with my logic anymore. Yesterday I went through this awakening mentally. It was painful. I got a huge backlash. I felt like I was going insane. It felt like I perceived life the way it would be if I believed my stories and thoughts: horrible. Then this sense of self my logic tries to get a grip on...but it doesnt work. It triggers a feeling of "death" being the only solution for my logic. My body seems not to be integrated at all. Focusing on breath triggers dissociative feelings of my body not being "mine". Furthermore this logic thing is always underneath lingering there just waiting to pop on the surface. It makes some situations unbearable. Mind says: it makes no sense that I am here alive when "your person in your head" died 2 years ago. Story? Why is this story there? Somehow it is there and just feels so true. I got Flashbacks too yesterday, I felt set back into the past, I was taken into another dimension, absolute utter horror. And I have absolutely no clue how to deal with that stuff. Logic doesnt work. I am just utterly and deeply confused. And that makes me very anxious.

My unconscious, most recent obstacles are anxieties coming from a big subject I suppressed the last 2 years. I've built my ego and comfort zone around my home and hometown, any thoughts related to "travelling", "going somewhere else", to places I feel alien to...trigger really bad and panicky feelings, this leads to a huge ball of resistance even if I am not at these places and just think about them. Followed by just feeling intensely trapped. The thing is, due to awakening, I have lost like a grounding in my body, I cant really "trust" it as much as when I thought it was "me", so whenever I am at a place I cant find something calming to identify with, let's say in my home town I know every place so I feel way more relaxed and related to it. But now, just thinking about going anywhere just keeps me spinning in circles in my mind: "I fear that I will lose any grounding point in my being, and walk around groundless, panicky, losing my self, there is nothing worse than the feeling of not knowing where to ground anymore". When I am at a different place, I tend to feel like "I dont know where I am", and by saying that IT REALLY FEELS LIKE I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM. It feels like a temporary dissolution of self as long as I feel not grounded in this particular place. It can lead to a pretty traumatic disorientation. I really really want to know how to overcome this. Because it keeps me in a cage. A mental cage

I recently got some really weird stories going around I want to let go but I can't. It is like I unconsciously feed in even though I dont want to. I am someone that really clings to his comfort zone, which is my home at the moment. I feel comfortable there, the ego too. A few weeks ago, I travelled to another town. Spontaneously. I was overwhelmed. My mind was going crazy, I felt like I was going to melt down in each and every second. It was horrible. It was pretty traumatic to resist the urge of following feelings and thoughts. Everything was rushing by. The story in my head of not knowing where I was, who I was, who experienced this - Yes that was the way I experienced this entire thing, I couldn't really ground myself, everything was foreign, alienated - made this experience pretty bad so that I dont dare to travel to another city anymore. Which keeps me in a terrible cage. I want to go to other places, but my mind is preoccupied with this story whenever I go to another place now. I feel like I have way too crazy thoughts. . I dont know how to put this. The security of thoughts telling me "this is this and that place, this and that city" has vanished. Those stories, concepts...I dont know how to find a common ground. I also moved into a dorm, last week, and yesterday of course my mind said: "What if you panic in this room and you cant feel comfortable in there, what if you will feel alienated". So what can I even do to approach this issue??

Not intensely.

I know I am no one but still my mind seeks and seeks automatically and I cant stop feeling like I am no one and feeling so anxious about it because I keep thinking what and who is experiencing this moment then. I cant "distance" myself from thinking when I dont feel like there is "a secure" place where I can rest in distance. So I am rather in thoughts or inbetween, but since my awakening I havent been in a "secure" place at all. Meaning meditation is kinda troubling because I feel insecure, like not like a person, nor like consciousness, it is just there: a feeling of pure insecurity. It is terrible if I try to interpret this with my mind... And I cant go back "building a safe ground" first because I am already in this process. You cant go back and I cant either, it just happened and now I am just kind of a being in a human vessel or whatever. I looked into the mirror today and my mind was telling the craziest stories. I got aware enough that my mind wanted to make me feel crazy. But yet. It is indeed a hard process.

So, I dragged myself out today, I am done with suffering. I dont want to suffer anymore. But I went existentially deep this week. So deep that the jog today was not refreshing. I usually go to bed at like 2am, getting out at like 10am and then just see what the day brings. Oftentimes (I have holidays at the moment) I just go out, walking through the city streets and then I play drums, making music in our rehearsal room. But deep inside I have so much suffering, energy, that builds up anytime I go out. It oftentimes ends up in anxiety, sweaty hand, distresss, nervous convulsions etc... I dont know if this lifestyle is the cause of my suffering. But I guess. I dont do sports nor meditation. I like going out and socializing, talking to girls, people. But I feel like I am not whole. I am nothing constant. I have no bigger picture of myself. I dont know who I am. Today I went outside for a run. As always my mind was interpreting everything in a very existential way "this tree, what is this, are you seperated, oh look your perception is so different, who is experiencing this" and as soon as something is "different" my mind is going nuts. Putting so much energy in this is so exhausting. The thing is I cant just stop and observe. I have a very unhealthy and bad belief system. Just needed to vent.

Something happened and switched inside me. I cant pinpoint who I am anymore. I am being very serious now. I am sitting in the train and I am just feeling like I discovered that I am nothing but a thought that comes and goes....and then the spiral is starting...when I am dying and reborn etc pp. WHO THE HELL IS EXPERIENCING THIS NOW? And then a feeling of death and wanting to die arises. That IT JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE that something is here experincing this. Everytime this story comes up I feel like I am close to panic breakdown. In general I do love life....without suffering and thought it would be great. But now I just feel like I already died, nothing matters and I have no choice than keep experiencing all this, not as a person but as a being. And there is no return. I am tired, like seriously, going outside, having all these human experiences is so energy taking, my energy is so sucked up in the mental turmoil, I am sooooo lazy and tired. Can anyone help me?

Yeah give him more information, so that he feels even more insecure. Seriously, assuming a mental disorder is the most annoying information a person that suffers can receive.

Yes. Just any help appreciated.

What a bullshit post. God.

It is like "thinking" was the only security Ive ever had.

I dont know if this is normal during awakening, but I feel like every concept of things I used to have stories about are just that, stories. I feel for example "weirdly foreign" to cities, my home town, it is just that: a town. And that is frightening because I cant connect to it anymore really because I know it is just that.