Forestluv

So practical. So boooooring. I can find plenty like this in my Sangha. For me, I want a woman where there is the “it” factor. Magic. I can’t create it, deny it or resist it. We go to amazing spaces. Beyond words, theories, concepts. Like a psychedelic. Only 4 women in 32 yrs of dating have had this effect. Without it, there is a bland feeling. I know she is good to me, yet so is my mom.

???? For me, the process of ego death on psychedelics is filled with extreme anxiety and often terror and panic. I’ve had urges to kill myself as that was my onlly option to regain control and make it stop. pleaurable? No. I’d much rather be getting a BJ from my gf.

Not for me. I was this way before I read it and Ive been this way after I read it.

First time with 5-Meo. I’ve tripped about 30 times on a variety of psychedelics. I’ve read 5-Meo is unique and can be uncomfortable, so I started with a baby dose of 12mg. I snorted gently and massaged nostrils with my head upside down for 10min. After 10min there was moderate body discomfort and altered perception. I got a bit anxious about losing control, yet it never happened. I just became super chill. I was at ease listening to Native American flutes and staring out my bed room window. There was a different perspective. The view out the window was nice to look out. Why hadn’t I ever looked out the window. Just being now was so ok. Now worries. All the stuff I was wound up about dissolved. It seemed odd I try to figure things out and work myself in knots. The time I spend on forums with the mental masturbation - it seemed pointless. . . . I reflected on how good it feels to lay with my gf and being genuine with her. I saw how I tend to stir stuff up, create stuff. Why? Just be with her. . . There was some dissociation from my body. I never got the whole “I am not the body” thing. Here, it was like my body is just a sensory organ for a higher level being. It was so chill, sublime, stoned. Not like psychedelics at all. It reminded me a bit of dilaudid. It’s like what I imagine heroine to be like. I thought of all the rock singers who got addicted to heroine. I understand why. The effects wore off after 50 min. I thought I under dosed and wanted more. I snorted 18mg more which brought me back to where I was for another 50 min. I could see myself doing it 5x a week and better be careful. For me, there is a higher chance to habit form than other psychedelics.

Last Autumn I traveled up to the Upper Peninsula do Michigan during peak leaf color. It was a Tuesday morning and I was alone hiking deep in nature on 20mg of 4-Aco-Dmt. The diversity of of nature put me in awe. The various tress, river, animals, plants all interacting together. Quite often when I’m in nature, I’m in my head or wanting just a little something . Maybe it’s a little too hot and humid, or two many mosquitoes, or other hikers that should have their dogs on leashes. Yet, here nature hit absolutel beauty. And odd things happen at 100% beauty. Similar to the massive difference between 99% and 100% solar eclipse. Here, I had to surrender to 100% beauty. I felt like I was going insane. It transcended art, love, music, poetry.

Hmmmm. Well. . . the other day my gf told me she is going out to dinner with an ex bf as friends. I experienced strong problematic emotions before thoughts of "I" came into play

Depends on how you define "enlightenment"

What is this "you"?

I don't accept this assumption. Personally, I often "feel right" with someone who agrees with me.

1) I don't accept the assumption it is always the present moment. How could you objectively demonstrate it is the present moment? It is like assuming an anthropomorphic god exists that directs all happenings and being unable to describe what it would look like if a god did not exist. What would it look like if it was NOT always the present moment? What is the present moment in the experience of a dog? Of a tree?. . . The concept of a present moment is relative to concepts of "past moments" and "future moments". Timelines are conceptual frameworks of evolved humans. What other potential evolutionary paths could have been? 2) Define "aware". 3) That is a perspective. Another perspective is that all of existence, all knowledge, is within my mind. When something "new" enters my mind it comes into existence. Another perspective is that there is no separate "you". You are within knowledge and there is no "knowing" or "not knowing". I've found these types of conceptual "absolute" truths break down under high doses of psychedelics.

I'm reminded of your blog post about a world with just stories. The story is one's reality and existence. We hold them dearly. If one catches a glimpse with no story and returns, the stories appear different. They're just stories in a dream world. And I just wrote another story, which will soon go *poof* as another story enters. . .

@Leo Gura I thought in one of your videos you said that thoughts and concepts are not "it". That "it" cannot be explained or understood. I've read over 50 "spiritual" books in my life. Most were self improvement or meditation type books. At the time, many resonated with me and seemed to provide insight. Yet in hindsight many seemed to promote the development of a stronger, "healthier" illusionary self image. . . Over the last couple years, I've had several glimpses into what appears to be nonduality, usually with the aid of psychedelics. Glimpses into that which cannot be explained with concepts and language. I acknowledge I know very little of what is available in written and spoken word, including whole areas like epistemology. Yet, very very few people I encounter these days resonate with those glimpses. It seems like the mainstream stuff is oriented toward developing a healthier mindset to live a healthier life in a dualistic world. For example, 10 years ago "The Four Agreements" would have resonated with me. I would have discussed the book with others and integrated the teachings into my life to be a healthier person. Yet now, it seems like bullshit. It's purpose is to replace an old "unhealthy" illusionary self image with a new "healthy" illusionary self image. In the second half of the book, I got the sense that there was pressure to conform to popular paradigm's of self improvement. Now, there are only a few people I feel a connection, such as Rupert Spira, Lisa Cairns

The research cited below examined the ability of participants on LSD to name objects with language. The response time of the LSD group was unaltered, yet they made significantly more errors. Interestingly, they used similar words within a word family (e.g. calling a car a bus). The researchers attribute this to enhanced semantic processing under LSD. Semantic processing is the processing that occurs after we hear a word and encode its meaning. Semantic processing causes us to relate the word we just heard to other words with similar meanings. Once a word is perceived, it is placed in a context mentally that allows for a deeper processing. Semantic processing is the deepest level of processing and it requires the listener to think about the meaning of the cue. Generally, people operate at a shallow level of processing. Psychedelics enhance the deeper semantic processing. The results from this experiment can lead to a better understanding of the neurobiological basis of semantic network activation. Neiloufar Family explains further implication: “These findings are relevant for the renewed exploration of psychedelic psychotherapy, which are being developed for depression and other mental illnesses. The effects of LSD on language can result in a cascade of associations that allow quicker access to far away concepts stored in the mind.” The many potential uses of this class of substances are under scientific debate. “Inducing a hyper-associative state may have implications for the enhancement of creativity,” Family adds. The increase in activation of semantic networks can lead distant or even subconscious thoughts and concepts to come to the surface. http://neurosciencenews.com/language-lsd-neuroscience-4883/

I'm a frequent flyer and would gladly donate miles for a direct flight from LAS to DTW or CHI. Detroit and Ann Arbor are cool cities. I'm an active member of couchsurfing (a network of travelers that host each other for free). It's a great way to meet interesting fellow travelers. I bet there are some actualized members happy to host you, which would save on hotel costs.

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@tatsumaru Thanks for posting. I am going to use it in my neuroscience course next semester.

Today I was reflecting on how little I know and understand. I can't even acknowledge how much I don't know. Even if I try to conceptualize absolute complexity, it would fall orders of magnitude short of the true complexity. My mind is like one grain of sand from one of countless beaches. Yet, my subjective experience is that I know a lot. That I have experienced a lot. I have my beliefs about what is good and bad about how things should be. It's easy to drift into habitual thinking and live in the same small room. For me, it's difficult to recognize and challenge my beliefs - where I truly see things from a different perspective. Like the difference between living in a city your whole life, then one day looking down on the city from a mountain top. A totally different perspective. The challenging and exciting thing is that I know there are other states of consciousness and perspectives, yet I don't know what they are. That its a view from a mountain. I try to put myself in positions for these experiences. They can come locally or internationally. I have many "ah-ha" moments, yet the only things I've experienced to nearly guarantee I step out of my box for an extended period of time are psychedelics and immersing myself in a foreign culture. Sight-seeing in foreign countries doesn't do it. I need to immerse myself off the grid. Both psychedelics and foreign immersion make me uncomfortable and anxious when I'm forced out of my box. For me, wisdom is about experiencing different perspectives. The vast majority of people I meet seem locked into a particular perspective. There are subtle differences within a community, yet I need to seek it and be open to it. By default, I drift toward people that have a similar perspective as me. Even when I am exposed, it is temporary and I return to my normal comfortable environment. Foreign immersion removes me from my box. After a week of immersion with no phone or internet use, my old life in the states seems so far away. I don't know who I am. Sometimes I've felt panic. After two months in South America, I forgot I was white. That I was a professor. I returned to the states feeling like an impostor. Like an actor on stage. Most people I meet are simple-minded. They don't question and think deeply. They lack curiosity and humility. They are puppets to social rules and conventional thinking within their social group. The people that seem wise are open-minded and curious. They are not attached to a rigid way of thinking. They regularly leave the social norm box. Foreign immersion and psychedelics aren't necessary for this, but they WILL remove you from your social norm box and it can be very uncomfortable. I can do it locally, but it takes intention and willingness to voluntarily leave the box into what will often be uncomfortable. My girlfriend is a minority. She is the first person of color I've dated. She challenges me and I see and experience certain things from a different perspective. She also has a wider range of sexuality than me. I've pushed myself to the edge of this box and I have experienced states of mind and body I never knew existed. . .

PM hasn't been much of an issue in my life. I've probably averaged about 1-2 times a week. I've been dating a gal I really like for two months. We've had open conversations about our fears, insecurities, trust, jealousy etc. Last night she asked me if I watched porn. No gf has ever asked me before and I felt awkward. She has explored a lot sexually and was fine that I watched porn. She wanted me to describe the type of porn scenes I watch, which made me even more uncomfortable. The conversation gave me a different perspective on porn. I want us to grow closer and move forward together. It seems porn interferes with that process. Even 1-2 times a week. I'm curious if/how things will change in the relationship without the porn.

I experience brief gaps without ego. What if those gaps became expanded?

Personally, I am being pulled toward deeper realizations of the illusionary nature of self and to nonduality. Much of this thread reminds me of The Four Agreements in which an "unhealthy" illusionary self is replaced with a "healthy" illusionary self. I also sense in the thread an underlying assumption that some actions are "better" than other actions. And most of those "better" actions are within the classic social framework of "success". That is: dedication, give 110% percent, achieve, dream big, reach your potential, do extraordinary things. I've found ambition and perseverance can be a major distraction to inner Truth. I've run over 50 marathons and ultramarathons. I've done IronMan triathlons. I know the dedication of training day in and out - 1-8hrs a day. I've pushed my limits to the point of hallucinations, loss of cognitive function and physical collapse in which I needed hospital care. The experiences shaped me, yet it did NOT reveal my inner truth. I've also pushed my limits mentally. I worked 12hrs a day for periods as I attained a phd in molecular biology. I persevered countless hours in the laboratory to answer a burning scientific question. I've published dozens of papers and have been featured on scientific journal covers. I've given international speeches. NONE of this revealed inner Truth. Most of it was a major distraction where I was chasing something. Based on self. Yet nothing could fill it. It was never enough. Deep down, I was trying to fulfill a self identity imposed upon me by my parents and society: of what is "good", of who I "should" be. Deep down, there was a yearning to be accepted and loved. I was often consumed with thoughts of what to do next, what will happen if XYZ occurs, what do other people think of me, how can I achieve. . . For me, deeper levels of awareness have NOT come from living a healthy lifestyle. They have NOT come from dedication and perseverance to achieve extraordinary things. When tied to my self identity, it's all a distraction. The realizations have come through cracks in my ego and self identity. For me, living a "healthy" life and achieving does not crack my ego and self identity. It can actually reinforce it. "I am a marathon runner", "I am a scholar", "I am dedicated", "I am blah blah blah". The cracks leading to glimpses of Truth have come during times I'm forced out of my self identity. For example, I've lived with native tribes in Central and South America. Also, meditation retreats (yet it is slow and subtle). And psychedelics have been a powerful tool. In the thread there also seems to be an underlying sense of free will of the little "you". There is no free will for "me". I am not making all these decisions and actions to do healthy activities and live a "meaningful" life. I am not the author of my thoughts and actions. It comes from some mysterious nothing or something that I don't understand. I don't get to receive credit or blame. . . For me, I am being pulled toward "just being" and letting that mysterious whatever flow without resistance. If that means hiking Everest naked, great. If that means dancing in my kitchen naked to disco music, great. The ideas that I "need" or "should" do certain things are limiting concepts. While living in Peru, I met a man who fortuitously became wealthy. He has spent most of his life traveling around the world. He had no dedication, ambition or agenda. He was open and free. To travel where the energy takes him. To meet people and experience things as they surface into his life in the present moment. He was pensive and introspective. He had a depth of awareness and love. He is one of the most fascinating people I've ever met in my life. His perspective was outside of the limits of my own perspective. It poked cracks into my self identity. A couple weeks ago, I frolicked with the most beautiful butterflies deep within a Belizean jungle. The present moment. The mysterious energy/consciousness flowing freely from one moment to the next. For me, that "just being" IS "doing something" with my life.

@Angelo John Gage When discussing free will, it’s really important to define terms such “you” and “I”. Different usages completely change the framework. It sounds like you are using “you” and “I” in the traditional sense of one’s self identity. In such a case, there is a VERY strong subjective experience of having free will. So strong it overpowers an objective perspective. Yet one only needs to reach an intermediate stage of meditation to become an observer of one’s thoughts. Then, it becomes clear “I” am not the author of “my” thoughts and actions- “I” only observe them AFTER they occur. Thoughts come from some mysterious place I don’t understand. As an aside, when I fully realized the magnitude of having no free will, I went into full on panic, terror and insanity. For the first time in my life, I had thoughts and urges to kill myself - as that’s the only way to regain control and make it stop. But of course, I had no free will to kill myself either.

I’ve never understood the question “how do I be myself”? How can someone NOT be themself? Even if you feel like you are not being yourself, that IS who you are - a person who feels inauthentic. The alternative is to recognize the self as an illusion and go beyond - in which case you no longer care about being a self anymore

In an effort to form deeper connections, my new gf and I tried a “soul gazing” exercise. The couple simply sits face to face on meditation cushions and gazes directly in each other’s eyes. The guide suggested only 5min. for first- timers and to just be aware of any uncomfortable thoughts/feelings that may arise. . . I had never tried this with a gf and was curious. She is buddhist and has sporadically meditated, so I thought we might connect. I felt comfortable and had interest/desire in gazing into her eyes. She immediately became uncomfortable. She asked if we could hold hands. She couldn’t maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. She kept closing her eyes and sighing. After a few minutes, she said five minutes must have passed and asked if we should check the timer. A minute later she stood up to check the timer. It went off just as she checked it. She looked discouraged and apologized. I told her it was fine and everything went just like it was supposed to. I found her behavior interesting. I don’t think it was due to overtly hiding something (like seeing another guy). She seems transparent and it was her idea to do the soul gazing. Perhaps consistent eye contact is intensely intimate for some. Perhaps there are deeper insecurities. I thought it also may reflect a low level of self love. I wonder if it was something she saw in me or something she felt was being seen. Or perhaps resistance to becoming one and losing herself.

I have the opportunity to design a "Freshman Seminar" college course for Fall 2018. The general aims of the course are to introduce students to academics/critical thinking as well as help them transition to college and develop a social network. I'm a molecular geneticist by trade, yet I have wide leeway for course topic choice (yet, I wouldn't feel comfortable pull a "Timothy Leary"). . . I have strong interests in eastern philosophy, self actualization, different states of consciousness. Over the last year, I've become more aware of the limits of science and have often questioned how meaningful/significant/true some of the content I teach is. I hope to get some ideas from the actualized.org community perspective. What do you think would be an interesting/meaningful/significant topic for freshman? I'd like to include space for developing awareness of our programming and challenging beliefs. I'm thinking of something like "Science, philosophy and truth" - where we discuss methods and paths to discover truth. How the perspectives are different and the limits of various methods. I could cover the scientific method, existential philosophy, meditation, nondualism/dualism and psychedelics. I could include videos, TedTalks, Leo :), and guest speakers. I think this could allow creativity in areas I have interest. What do you think? Other ideas?

@Leo Gura Thanks. I do have a strong bias toward the material. It's interesting how it is easier for me to accept immaterial notions (such as immaterial energy) when presented from what I perceive to be an established science source (e.g. quantum physics laboratories). Psychedelics are the only tool to dissolve my material perspective. And the weird thing is, I can't dismiss it as some "drug-induced" illusion. It is as real as my sober material mind state. When I read your list, I sense resistance yet unable to dismiss it. Mainly because it resonates with the psychedelic state - which is as real as my sober state. As well, psychedelics kicked my ego's ass. Deep down, my ego knows it isn't the toughest kid on the block. Sometimes when my ego feels in charge as it figures things our - as it analyzes are decides what is true and false - as it is right. . . There are gaps when that Ayahuasca experience enter and my ego backs down. As tough as it likes to be, the truth is - it is afraid of Ayahuasca and high doses of other psychedelics.