Igor82

Thank you all for the replies! @Anton Rogachevski The thoughts are only disturbing when you are unaware that they are just thoughts. Once I had a disturbing thought when working in my cleaning job whilst listening to one of Leos videos, and it was a thought of Leo just utterly screaming after his intro finishes playing. It was dark outside and I was alone in the office were I was cleaning. It was quite disturbing, but in that moment I let that thought play out which then spawned a certain emotion in me, and soon enough my reality became quite frightening. The key is to observe the thought from a point of awareness instead of engaging in the thought pattern (unaware that its just a thought). Thats why meditation helps, it helps you recognize the thoughts for what they are, and as soon as you do that you are safe. The 5-MeO spawns alot of awareness, and at that point you can either engage in the disturbing thoughts (because you want to survive) and if you do that you will obviously deeply suffer, or you can surrender all the thoughts and observe them with awareness, but are you ready to surrender your life? If a thought comes up along with some terror and says “IM DYING FOR REAL, I HAVE POISONED MYSELF, FUCK, NOOO!!”... Will you surrender or will you cling to dear life? The awareness makes it easier to surrender only if you're ready to die, but if you dont want to die, then you will suffer immensly. At the peak, I didnt really care if it would have been cyanide I plugged, it would be more like “Oh well, I did my best fulfilling my purpose in this life, if I die, its perfectly fine, its alright”. A curiosity for whats beyond death is also very helpful. @DrMobius I snorted 10mg’s of this batch as my first trip, and it proved to be successful as a 10mg dose. I find that I have to plug alot more than that to get the same effects and I dont really know why. The substance is supposed to be 97% pure.

Day 5: 2/10 I didn't think so much about fapping, I thought more about how to be efficient. Life is starting to get harder and harder, the main problem I have is that anytime I try to work I end up distracting myself. This forum is one of the main distractions. Even though my morning routine is doing great, I still think that it's too tight. Maybe in a couple of years, I can pull the morning routine off as efficiently as I want it to, every day, but not now. Im failing to achieve the goals I set for this week, yes they were fancy but not really strategically secure. I have trouble waking up early. But hey, let's look at the bright side. It's all right! These are problems that are about to be solved, for me to emerge on the other side with amazing strength! Im back on track, and it does feel good, but it comes with the pressures of taking responsibility for doing the right work. Action steps: Create more optimal schedules that I can manage to do with relaxation, awareness, with room to think and time for compensation. Find a way to eliminate my distractions and postpone that entertainment into a task on my schedule that I can undertake in a strategically planned manner. Misc: I had a dream tonight, where I was in a classroom that was very similar to the classroom 401 from Nordhem. I sat in the front concentrating on writing something, and there was this kid that looked like an Arab terrorist with a beard (he looked like someone I would naturally resent) that had loud distracting music on, and from the front of the classroom to the back-right corner were he sat, I shouted for him to turn it down, but he didn't do it, he just looked at me calmly and then back at staring into his desk. So I approached him, and when I was there, his face was entirely different, he looked more like Simon without his beard, he looked more like someone I would love like friends, and he had this wonderful stare with his blue eyes. When I saw this, got an urge to cry and so I did, then I cried more and more, my legs collapsed to the floor and I laid there crying and crying, The only thoughts I had at that moment was if some girl (Nelly) would be impressed by my openness, but that thought was very brief and disappeared as I just got overwhelmed by tears. When I woke up the next morning, I had tear stains on the side of my eyes. Moral of the dream: There is amazing love to be found behind the veil of negativity that we assign to various things. This dream most likely comes from my recognition that I have some pretty strong negative associations with Arab-looking men. Even though we have never met or talked, I approach the person with a negative feeling about it, and this prevents me from seeing the beauty that is behind it. I love you guys

2019-01-25 I had a dream tonight, where I was in a classroom that was very similar to the classroom 401 from Nordhem. I sat in the front desk concentrating on writing something, and there was this kid that looked like an Arab troublemaker with a beard (he looked like someone I would instinctively resent) that had loud distracting music on, and from the front of the classroom to the back-right corner were he sat, I shouted for him to turn it down, but he didn't do it, he just looked at me calmly and then back at staring into his desk. So I approached him, and when I was there, his face was entirely different, he looked more like Simon without his beard, he looked more like someone I would love like a friend, and he had this wonderful stare with his blue eyes. When I saw this, got an urge to cry and so I did, then I cried more and more, my legs collapsed to the floor and I laid there crying and crying, The only thoughts I had at that moment was if some girl (Nelly) would be impressed by my openness, but that thought was very brief and disappeared as I just got overwhelmed by tears, lying in the fetus position in the dream (I suspect the position I was sleeping in as well) and crying. When I woke up the next morning I had tear stains on the side of my eyes. Another dream that happened earlier than the first one, was about this being that looked like Hagrid from Harry Potter (the man with the black beard, but this one didn't have a beard), lets call him "Black", and he supposedly had the powers of Satan.. he was a powerful creature, to say the least. The thing is that he was in a relationship with another guy that was sexy and had red skin color (call him"Red") but then Black left him because it didn't work out, but later Black wanted to come back because he missed Red, so he visited Red's bedroom with an odd smile, but in the bedroom Red was in the bed with 2 other Blacks, and they looked exactly the same as the first one, but they behaved differently, they resented the original black because they knew he wanted Red back, so the original Black got frightened as the other Blacks attacked him, pinned him down to the bed and started eating him alive. I could feel that happening, as I was watching from a distance. It was very painful for him. I had all the emotions and sensations of the original Black, not his thoughts, and "I" was always spectating him in 3d person.

@Alex bAlex I have done this for soon about 5 months and im about to start lesson 10. Although I try to master every technique every time I sit down on the cushion. I always try to improve my sessions, and after I get very comfortable with a certain technique then I move forward when the effort has become a habit. I use my fingers to keep count of every set of breaths I make, moving the thumb along the 3 parts of my first finger = 3 sets, and then the second finger until the last finger. It's not that hard counting the Talabya Kriya, stay aware! The whole point is to put all of your attention into the practice, you can't just "make it a habit" and trust that your unconscious habits will get you your results while you sit there and fantasize about your dinner, doing the Ujjayi like a robot. That won't work... You need to fully feel into it, you need to fully do the practice! It also helps you to fine tune your practice towards perfection and I find that it helps me learn the steps faster. If you didn't apply rigorous awareness and discipline to your practice, I assume maybe that is what's missing. A thing that helps me to stay awake while doing Ujjayi is to put all my attention on the sounds that are coming from my throat. Sometimes I don't do it and I do slip into fantasy land (I use my fingers to keep count anyways), but I find that I go much deeper and my practice becomes very enjoyable as I stay conscious. There is quite a joy in mastering the techniques and staying conscious. Even though I'm probably slow with the practice and it takes me 45 minutes to finish the routine with 24 KP1 breaths, I find it to be a good thing! At least im staying aware, at least im meditating trough all of it. Good luck!

@Alex bAlex Hello! I used to do just like you, I had a 50min practice of meditation/strong determination sitting. I kept up my routine of strong determination sitting as long as my Kriya practice was 5 minutes long, but when it started to get longer than that, I just shaved off the time that the kriya took from my meditation! Think of it like this, you got 1 hour to spend every day, so focus on doing the kriya, and when you are done, fill the rest of the time with the meditation. When your kriya routine starts getting as long as 40-50 minutes, then you can skip the meditation altogether and maybe insert it as a break from your schedule later in the day (maybe 20 minutes between your work halves). My Kriya routine is pretty long at the moment (45 minutes), and I have moved my meditation habit to now be an optional afternoon break. Try to focus as much as possible on building up the Kriya routine and remember to do it right! Don't sit around with the 3 first practices for months on end, but try to build yourself up to the Pranayamas, only then comes the real results. Proper Kriya is much more superior than regular meditation alone ime.

Day 3&4: 4/10 & 3/10 Nofap Update: On day 3 I go many cravings to watch porn after I watched it for an hour on day 2, and I actually gave in to one of the cravings for about 5 minutes: My sexual energy was replenished and it coursed through my whole body, it made me think, crave and fantasize of only PMO, it made my dick hard and my body and face hot and I full of energy. I did some burpees to get rid of the energy from the body (with success) but the energy didn't seem to leave the mind. After about 5 minutes of watching porn, I went on to meditate for 20 minutes, carefully observing my thoughts in that session. Because I gave in to the craving, the thoughts and fantasies that appeared during my meditation session was a definite degree more compelling. These cravings packed an extra punch of emotions and vividness. If I would have gave into cravings after that point, I could now imagine why resisting the urge to fap (as a hardcore addict) would be very hard to do. The rest of that day I had alot of thoughts about watching some more porn, but also alot of fantasies to masturbate to the porn, I didnt give into any of them, instead I redirected my focus towards my schedule. Later that day I read an article about how to cure PMO which really resonated with me and gave me the strength and motivation to completely let go of all thoughts about PMO that arose after that point, and today on day 4 I just pulverized my -- relatively few -- PMO thoughts, not even giving them a second to play out while I took vigorous action on fulfilling a great and productive day. The very valuable insight: Im resonating much more with the law of attraction and how it plays in to the quitting of the addiction: Some people might think that they should fantasize about porn or erotica in order to "sort it out in their head", and "really let go of the emotional attachments to the fantasy". This action is intuitive and understandable, but its a double edged sword; If you think about something alot, you tend to attract it. if you chose to think about PMO, it tends to manifest in your reality! Even though the physical reality might not change, your perception of it will, which entails that if you think about and fantasize about PMO, you will tend to get a lot more thoughts about it and that is counter-productive. The main goal here is to not think about the addiction anymore, for a month then a year, a decade and a lifetime... only then the addiction is trancended. If I think about the addiction all the time, then you are not free from the addiction. Action steps: When a thought/fantasy/craving/urge about your addiction arises, do not let it play out! Rather, sit with the thought and observe it for what it is. In this way, it will immediately seize to play out and perpetuate, but rather disappear as quickly as it came. This task is easier said than done, a habit of meditation helps with this a lot.

Amazing!

Read this, there is a lot of juicy insights here, some that are counter-intuitive to most beginners of NoFap https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/sites/yourbrainonporn.com/files/pdf/Project Transcendence.pdf

Day 1&2: 1/10 & 3/10 As I edged with awareness on Saturday (My latest relapse), I really felt into it like never before. Usually, when we have a large amount of sexual energy, we always tend to be stuck in our heads thinking forwards, never actually feeling into the sensations. I feel like when I edged with awareness, I could clearly see the limitations of the sensations I felt, and this eliminated the mystery out of every craving or thought about PMO from that point on. I dont want to fap because I can see the limitations of it. Today I was productive, and I want to be as productive as possible tomorrow (I gotta go to sleep very soon so I cant put a lot of effort into this report), but this evening I wanted porn as I gave in to a sudden craving. My thought patterns said that I would not really experience too many aftereffects from just watching porn, "you won't fap anyways, so let's watch porn with awareness, just a little bit"... 5 minutes became 10 which became 30. I ended up browsing porn for about an hour, carefully observing my body and thoughts. Observations: The sensation of the sexual energy building up in my genitals was a feeling of pressure wanting to be released. The sexual energy in my head was directed towards perpetuating watching porn. The voice of my higher self that usually throws me the urge to just stop what im doing got suppressed as soon as it came. The images themselves were just mere colors, but the thoughts, the huge baggage of thoughts projected onto them made the whole thing seem tempting, like how I always seemed to project myself into the scene in an attempt to somehow make it seem more erotic. All of this in order to jerk off. What kept me looking, what kept me browsing? A lot of thoughts to keep browsing to be rewarded by the pleasure of the next image I lost track of time in this flow mode of browsing Any force that resisted this perpetuation of pleasure was overwhelmed and suppressed by thoughts, promises, and emotions. I had this "purpose" in the back of my mind that I was supposed to find "a certain image". I actually stopped watching the most erotic pictures in order for me to maybe find a better picture, or spend time doing that until I would return to the initial images. The goal was to get me to jerk off, but I wasn't gonna do it. Eventually, this sexual energy subsided. As I built up more tolerance to the images they became less and less appealing and suddenly I realized I have wasted an hour, so I stopped. I have been slacking off with my iron determination to kill off cravings with my breath and awareness, now its more like wooden-determination, but im always trying my best to quit this addiction, and im trying to stay as aware as possible while doing so. If it finally happens that I give in to a craving, at least my awareness will not betray me. Tomorrow my routine will grant me the strength to demolish any cravings (especially tomorrow), just you wait. Edit: To you Fapstronauts reading this, please don't find my relapses to be an excuse for you to find any motivation to relapse just because I did, that won't grow you. Im working very hard on this journey and for me, it's a lifelong commitment. My approach to this is completely dependent on my personal variables thus cannot be hinged on and defined by black & white relapses or a do-or-die accountability aid. Im outgrowing this addiction day by day, relapse by relapse, and you need to do it aswell. Don't narrow your commitment to just 90 days or to an accountability journal... make this your lifestyle! Make a lifelong commitment with a strong positive purpose behind it, and trust that awareness and time will then eventually summon your breakthrough.

@Richard Alpert Wonderful! Im thrilled for you! Here is a poem for ya, keep this one close to heart: All you need is a dream and some time, And any mountain becomes and effortless climb As you’ll never know what’s ahead of you, you know a summit is waiting for you With billion steps taken without regrets, sometimes dirty, wounded and mean, the strongest journey abhors the largest dreams; the future is already foreseen.

Day 1: 5/10 - Relapse Relapse Report: After writing yesterdays update here, I went and dismantled every negative thought that came up in my awareness. I was either neutral or delighted. I went out and had an awesome piano lesson and an awesome athletics session, then I even asked the authority there about the piano, and I got the phone number for the right person to talk to. When I came home, I didn't want to work. I just wanted to take a break, and so I didn't really do anything. I couldn't muster the motivation to be productive, so I smoked some weed to just relax and go to sleep early. I started to crave pleasure and I ended up sitting around eating some healthy snacks until midnight. In the bed I got overwhelmed by fantasies, and I didn't find a compelling reason to resist them so I went along and fantasized, and I started edging, after a while of doing that, I suddenly asked myself the question "I can either cum now, or I can let go of all thoughts and all actions and just go to sleep and see what happens", and so I went to sleep, and it felt like I have conquered a good experience When I woke up, the same thing happened, no motivation. I edged with awareness, and the only thing that kept me away from orgasm was that if I orgasmed, I would have to write this pathetic report on in my accountability journal. I stopped what I was doing, got out of bed and started with my day. I went on to clean my room, and while doing so I had this genius idea of penetrating the vacuum cleaner hose, and so I did. That idea seemed to be more compelling than my plans to go on and make my day successful without any interruptions and so I ended up relapsing, completely out of touch with my motivations at that moment. Epilogue: At least I relapsed with as much awareness as possible. Compared to older relapses, this one, even though I was completely out of touch with my motivations, felt much more unattractive than usual. Usually, any way to relapse would be attractive and mysterious, but today my mind went through all possibilities such as watching porn, all ways of orgasming etc, and they all seemed to be unattractive ... "But they are still pleasurable!!" Yes, but if I get aware enough of how my mind behaves just after relapsing, I feel like I will have an easier time justifying not to reach down and touch dick. Today's problem was that I just didn't want to work, that id rather experiment with my dick for a while rather than starting my day, and even though I would make up my mind to go and work, I felt like I could fit in a little experiment just before doing it! "Oh, it doesn't matter, you can work afterward anyway! And you can always relapse with awareness, and try to be aware of how this affects you afterward, lets jerk off!" It's really tricky stuff. I think a part of the reason was that I woke up late today as I went to sleep late, and so I couldn't have the structure of a schedule to pull me out of stagnation, but most importantly, I didn't really desire to work, thus the desire to fap became stronger. Now as im writing this, I did have a good day, I took a cold shower right after the relapse, I did my morning routine and now im ready to go to my cleaning job, come home early and finally wake up early tomorrow! Im still in touch with eliminating my negative thoughts just like yesterday, but now im suffering from impatience and boredom because of the relapse, it sucks. FeelsBadMan Action steps Wake up early tomorrow Strategizing session: Set up short-term goals If only I can work harder and get to see some results again, get my schedule back on track and get in touch with my short-term goals, then I feel like I will get back in touch with the initial motivations that I had when starting this journal. Im working on it, day by day. Its hard, but its alright, the breakthrough will come, there is no question about it, I just gotta do the work.

@TheAvatarState Thank you for this insight! It has become very very useful<3; Day 2 - 2/10: Relapse (Read the trip report, the juicy NoFap insight written at the "Insights" section) This was definitely the most worthwhile relapse I have ever had. The 3 keys for killing off the addiction: Constantly being aligned with a purpose thus only thinking about how to live the best life Letting go of thoughts of the addiction by always looking forward in the direction of your purpose, never beating yourself up after a relapse aka not thinking about the addiction. Transmuting sexual energy to overcome hornyness.

@TheAvatarState Thanks for reminding me and thank you for the tips! Its really funny how I chose to not open myself up for the love you are gave me there, I kind of took the prior comment you wrote as an offence, like "I know this better than him, its my journey, who thefuck is this guy?" Now this little shift happened as I actually noticed the impact of your words, and I greatly appreciate the time you have taken to give me your perspective on things and the love you have put into those words! Why cant I receive your gifts with love, whatever those gifts are? Why do I sit here being negative? Lets say that my mother comes into my room and tells me to go to sleep, then I can either say "Fuckoff, im watching anime, stop bothering me" or I can say "Hey, thanks mom, I should actually go to sleep. Thanks for being so kind and reminding me of that, I love you, goodnight" Really tricky stuff how you look at things. Thank you man, I love you forever <3 I have really digested the love within your words (and the tips themselves ofc), and im grateful for your concern. I just wanted to let you know

@TheAvatarState I actually like that I have a 180day goal, it does not discourage me because I know I can reach it. What is required is that I shape my life and my mindset so that I can focus on other stuff with enough vigor for me to completely forget about PMO, and I know that breakthrough is coming. I have previously done this before about a year ago with a6 month streak and I know I can do it again. This is not anymore the hardcore do-or-die challenge that I initially signed up for, this is more like a journey and I gotta be strategic in order to succeed. Day 1: 4/10 Today was one of those days. I woke up late, slept enough and felt good in my body. I had no schedule, so after I cleaned my room, I was supposed to do my Kriya yoga and then go fulfill and awesome day, but I got distracted by my laptop. Watching youtube got pretty boring after a while, but I still just wanted to escape the fact that I gotta do the difficult Kriya. I couldn't muster my strength sit down and actually do it and I would rather watch another video, then another video... And so I started to get cravings for porn. I did sit with a couple of cravings, but I sat there on the couch ready to watch another video, so sitting with cravings didn't do much to change my situation, so they kept coming. Eventually I chose to go and watch some porn images, and after briefly watching 5 of them, I had enough, I felt like I have satisfied the urge, no need to watch anymore porn, so I went back to watching youtube videos. And so, more cravings came, there were no logical reason for me to give into the craving as I knew all too well of what was gonna happen as I remembered my last experience with porn and how it crushed my masculinity, but as I was in a cycle of distraction anyways, what more harm would it do to watch some more porn? So I gave in to the cravings again, and eventually I watched porn for about and hour although really mindfully. The porn really didn't resonate with me, I kept asking myself "what the hell am I doing?". As my lust to do any other activity was diminished by the constant urge to distract myself, I kind of felt sad about what was happening. I waited for my strength to return, for a strong calling to get back on track overwhelm me, but I really didn't want to do the Kriya! Eventually I stopped watching the porn out of being disgusted, and I instead went to the kitchen and had some conversations with my mother. I do not consider this as a relapse as I didn't touch my dick, and watching the porn was a very eye-opening experience for me. Strategy: My feeling of being productive really hinges on my schedule. I cant feel productive if I know I gotta meditate. Either im being productive or im distracting myself from being so. The meditation is key here because if I would have done this super-mandatory and quite difficult task of the day, then I would feel liberated and free to really be productive. Transmuting my sexual energy in that situation wouldn't really matter as I would just keep sitting around watching youtube anyways. The transmutation of sexual energy wouldn't do any difference as it would be directed towards distracting myself. My sense of being on track with life is not very present, and my passion is not strong enough. Im working on this, but unless im getting more passionate about life, days like these are unavoidable. This is why I sense a breakthrough coming, because im getting closer and closer to finding my true path in life. If I can completely focus on my lifestyle, I know that I can win this challenge, but how can I avoid situations like these, where the day has gone so bad that im prone to self sabotage? If a day goes bad and I feel like distracting myself rather than meditating, then I will push the meditation up my schedule (maybe to the evening), so I can feel liberated to do something more productive instead. I have to avoid sleep-deprivation. I suspect that I felt good in my body and ready to be productive today because I had slept enough the night prior. I will learn the sexual energy transmutation so that I can combo the killing of my addiction with my life purpose even more. Action steps: - Implement these, and im unstoppable. Being more flexible with my meditation session in days of feeling unmotivated. Focus on going to sleep earlier Prioritise reading the sexual energy transmutation book

Day 10: 3/10 & Relapse This one was unavoidable, @TheAvatarState probably predicted this. Plugged 17mg's of 5-MeO (not that intense), and on the peak I touched my dick by mistake and it felt good, so I kept doing that, eventually I relapsed. I was very aware of what happened, I have never masturbated while being this aware: My motivations to stop fapping in that moment were not present. There was no "higher-self voice" that told me to stop, or no thought or emotion that told me to stop either. But, what was my motivation to fap at that moment? I kind of wanted to transmute the sexual energy from my dick into my heart, so I started breathing into the sensations. Eventually thoughts of reaching an orgasm started to overwhelm me, so I tried doing so while not breathing, and it was... intense. In that moment, I had a reason to fap. It was like that in the back of my mind I deeply knew that just fapping and orgasming would leave me unfulfilled and that its not worth it, so my mind wanted to find a reason for me to actually make the orgasm beneficial in some way. Often, the motivation is to relapse in a different way than before (experiment mindset), and this time I had the good reason to actually transmute the sexual energy into my heart as I was much more aware of what was going in my present moment. In that moment after the orgasm, I felt good, I felt calm and no worries, but I would very soon become aware of how weak and sapped I have become after the relapse, the mind then went and put me in a more negative state, and I got more thoughts about watching porn during the day, but I didnt give into them. I feel like now after that relapse I have gotten more aware of the process that is going on, and the negative side-effects of a relapse, but this brute force awareness approach takes a very long time to be integrated, so lets be a strategic motherlover: I need to eliminate the reasons for why im fapping in the first place, so that I wont find a reason to continue fapping when I for example touch my dick while being unaware of my motivations, even better is to eliminate the reasons I give into cravings in the first place. One of the ways to do this is to constantly focus on my LP, so that my compelling reason is to not distract myself from my work + create suffering. Another way is that I can start to actually study the real techniques of transmuting sexual energy so that one of my big reasons to "experiment with my dick" will be eliminated, and so that I can keep my sexual energy in check so that it does not accumulate in the head or genitals and make me horny and prone to relapse. I shall stop thinking about NoNut, thinking about it makes me attract it, and I normally worry about relapse. Like I did recently, I will automatically think about my purpose when a thought about NoNut appears, so that I dont attract a relapse. This is maybe why many of my days on the last streak were really easy ones. Ahh man, life is hard, I should stop fooling around and go ham on life.

Snorted 10mg of 5-MeO-DMT Oxalate Duration: 1.05h, Onset: 22min, Afterglow: 1h Report: I had a good set and setting, with the mindset that I was going to die and not come back. I tried to convince myself of this, but I knew that there was nothing else to do than surrendering, I was definitely not egoistic about it, I expected to die and I wanted to surrender to my true self. I did kriya yoga just before snorting, I didn't eat for the whole day before the administration. After snorting, I immediately went to lay down comfortably on my couch with my head tilted down and my arms spread out, I relaxed and started surrendering into whatever came. The burning didn't start until 5 minutes in, and it gradually got worse and worse, it felt like the salt didn't get absorbed. I still laid there just surrendering, I figured that my nose would start to produce snot which would help the substance to dilute and absorb. I didn't feel anything until 22 minutes in (I watched the clock). As I laid there on the couch, just constantly surrendering into whatever came, my awareness started to surge and a body load came. My hands started getting hallow and numb as if they fell asleep, but I was very aware of them and I kept surrendering. I surrendered into any discomfort and any pain, but there was not so much pain, of course I surrendered any thought which would worsen the pain, but the pain or discomfort itself was very bearable, like when you do strong determination sitting, it is very painful, but you can bear it, but if you start thinking that you're about to die, then the pain becomes much more significant... I surrendered all the thoughts, I surrendered completely into reality. Any fear became irrelevant, I wasn't afraid of the thought to snort another 30mg's. but at that moment I was too incapable. In the peak, my awareness was like never before, I was very aware of reality at that moment, completely aware of the body, the surroundings, and the thoughts, there were a few thoughts, but the frequency of them was greatly reduced, and they seemed to appear as mere sentences in the head, just floating around. It is very comparable to when you do some neti-neti, and you consciously disidentify with everything you thought you were, and you just be there, reality just is, and "you" have no idea what it is, it just is. I couldn't identify with an "I", there was just reality, all the colors, all the sensations, but they didn't really belong. There was no infinity, no love, no emotions, just the present moment. All the thoughts in my head had no "I" in it. At that moment it was very inappropriate to refer to an "I". At one point my mother came into the room, and I was kind of capable of talking to her, but I was like at 30% of my energy; I couldn't do much. I am very open to her about drugs, and she might have suspected that I did some, but as she saw that I was okay, she told me that she will come later. I gave into thought if going to the toilet... I went and looked myself in the mirror, I couldn't identify with what I saw, there was a person there, but that shape was made out of all these colors, I might as well have been the wall! The afterglow was me being much more aware and doing my stuff from that headspace, and gradually I became immersed in more and more thoughts and now here I am. I know that a larger dose will increase the awareness much much more and I have no damn idea of what would happen at that point. Insights: Operating from a place of awareness is the most pleasant thing, it is very worthwhile and beneficial, life-changing. What you do with your body is responsible for what you feel in life... do the actions that make you feel the best and be aware of that, don't just only be aware, but be aware while doing the things that make you happy. Takeaways: I am now more intimate with the direction that im shooting for in terms of awareness. Next time I will administer rectally (I hope the syringes will arrive in my mailbox pretty soon, or I will snort the thing instead), and I will prepare myself in the same way. Some tips: What really helped me here was that I approached the experience while being consciously detached from my expectations, my life, and the ego as much as possible by expecting physical death, but by also making the conscious choice that Im ready to die in order to experience my true self... If I wouldn't be ready to die this way, I might have gotten a panic attack. I was also determined to surrender into anything, essentially not doing anything for the next hour. Fasting and meditation before the experience really made it smooth for me, but practicing surrender into pain (cold showers) played a big role in me being able to surrender into reality (all the weird sensations going on) with the threshold of it being unbearable, greatly heightened. Essentially, a practice of surrender into pain made it much easier for me to handle the physical sensations, but also the expectation of death and the metaphysical curiosity played a big part in removing the thoughts that would make the pain even worse and greatly lowering the threshold of it becoming unbearable. I'll report you guys very soon when I go 15mg's.

@outlandish Thank you. I will try grounding it up. I researched the saturation of salt, and its like 35 parts to 100 parts. I was very mindful of the saturation as I tried mixing the substance, as I added more water (drop by drop), I started to suspect that the actual slowness of the substance dissolving is making me think that the solution is saturated! I thought of heating it up, thanks for the conventional method (which I didn't think of). If someone walk in to the room and sees me holding a spoon and a lighter under it, sitting there on my bed, staring very seriously at the spoon like it was life and death, with a syringe on the floor along with a rubber band and a baggie of powder, and im sitting there on my bed shaking and sweating, man... they would never ever understand

@Arthur Thank you very much for this reply! I can actually ground up the powder to make it more soluble, I didn't think of that... I actually became really happy after the trip, I have not had a single suicidal thought for a very long time, but this started to really creep up on me. As you say, the irritability of my situation got enhanced, and as I kind of was in a sloppy situation before the trip, the trip made it all worse. Before the second trip, I contemplated if I really wanted to know myself, if I really wanted to do this, and this sense of passion and came forth, this strong desire like "fuck yeah!!" I really really want to know who I am. Even if this intent is kind of contradicting the purpose of this mission (killing myself), I feel like this intent will bring me the proper action that will ultimately lead me trough the terror. The next trip will be 35mg's of ground up salt and I expect torture... well, why not get tortured on a sunny day, in a clean room full of energy after a good mornin' kriya yoga eh? A very good help for me to overcome this "enlightenment contradicting my purpose" is to actually live life like I would live to become 80 years old. If ill die tomorrow, ill die on track on my purpose, I dont mind, its out of my control. If the 5-MeO leaves a corpse, well shit, "I" got what I wanted, my purpose demanded me that, and I stayed on track to the very last moment.

I plugged 17mg's with proper administration. The tip made me more aware, but not as strongly as the 10mg's, but I got into a meditative state. My ass hurt a lot and the body load was noticeable, almost like my body faded away like when going into sleep paralysis. I surrendered completely, but this was not as significant as I expected it to be, so I wanted to take another dose and get higher. Afterwards I researched a bit about tolerance, optional ways of plugging, I rewatched Leo's plugging guide, then I went on and weighted out 26 mg's and started dissolving that into water. Dissolving the substance I got (supposed to be 97% purity oxalate) into water was very hard. I sat there mixing for 40 minutes with a total of 0.7ml of water needed to dissolve 90% of it. The substance is very evenly shaped, much like tiny pellets, like processed table salt. I went and got the solution up my syringe and plugged it flawlessly, I let the syringe rest there for a couple of minutes and I took it out and proceeded to lay down comfortably on a prone position. I felt myself getting excited, and during the come-up, the bed I laid on felt like it was morphing under by body, like it was fluid and moving around. I surrendered as much as I could... My heart was pounding quite fast and I started getting just a little uncomfortable in my body, like when you dont find the right spot in the bed, but then this subsided and I was left with this meditative state that I have described before. I did feel myself merging a tiny bit with my surroundings, like how Leo gets you to do in his guided meditation, but nothing more. I took the 26 mg dose out of a position of need, like I was escaping the fact that the 17mg's failed, and during the "peak" of the 26mg's I started feeling depressed, and briefly suicidal, I actually had some suicidal thoughts. I felt like the meaning of my life was gone, I felt disappointed about the trips and my commitments, I felt sad, I started to doubt and get depressed. I tried to do a love visualisation, where I would imagine coming forth and console myself like a loving mother, but it was very very hard for me to summon love. I knew that this was likely to be from the trip, but I was not motivated to fully surrender into it as I assumed that the trip was not going to get any deeper. My reality became negative. As I felt drained, the pain in the butt became much worse. It felt like I was constantly being fucked without lube. It was very bearable, dont get me wrong, but it was hard tolerating that for an hour, and I guess I could handle this much better if I took the 26mg's right away without waiting and taking it when already feeling drained. I quickly pulled myself out of this state by drinking some water, cleaning up and finally eating some food. I have now learn that unless a second trip is the breakthrough dose, I will feel very drained and disappointed afterwards, due to that I have to wait for the tolerance to subside, hence I cant eat and drink during the wait, etc. Next time, im either gonna plug 35mg's or snort 17mg's. As @Azrael has much experience with snorting and @Arthur has experience with plugging large quantities of 5-MeO, I would also like to hear some thoughts from you guys specifically! Thank you for reading! A response is received by much love!

Quantum mechanics debunks materialism part 1 What is perception What is consciousness

Ground yourself, close your eyes and connect to love, it does not have to be much, but try to connect to it, feel it in your heart. Become aware of the room, and visualize yourself sitting there. Now observe yourself sitting there, now from another place in the room. Come forth as yourself in the vision and hug yourself, come forth with your love, and feel yourself sparking with love for yourself. Come forth like a soothing mother to yourself sitting there and give yourself the biggest hug, the most fierce, passionate, loving and vulnerable hug ever. Feel your heartbeat, and feel it synchronize with yourself, feel it permeate your existence and feel it fill it up with love. Love yourself for who you are, for whatever you are feeling. Love yourself unconditionally. Get back and ground yourself in your body, and visualize yourself feeling sad (a scenario might show up), and apply your love to that, the same love that you gave yourself when sitting there. Accept yourself for who you really are, apply understanding, acceptance, and love. Summon love to all aspects of yourself. Visualize yourself crying alone, on a dark night. Come forth and give yourself everything you got. If you feel uncomfortable while visualizing this, love the discomfort to death! Its alright, you are safe, it's alright, it's alright. I wish I could show up and give you an unconditional hug, feel your heartbeat, look into your eyes... im here, it's alright, don't worry, please don't worry. @phoenix666

@phoenix666 Thank you for writing this, it gets me very, very inspired. I (try to) visualize infinite love every morning, and some love comes from that, and so I go on and think that infinite love is "like this and like that, along these lines..." but then I read your report and realize that if its so huge that words, not even imagination matters at all... then its a mystery that gets makes me deeply inspired!! It's funny when I read such experiences my heart always wrenches and the ego revolts, I get very inspired when trying to resonate with the words, as it shatters my certainty and presents a huge (I intuit very, very, very important) mystery, which presents new expectations. I was actually afraid to revisit this post and read it as it just shatters the thoughts I cling to of what the results of the work will be. It shatters a little part of my ego every time, and it leaves a huge question mark to be pursued, a question mark I deeply desire to know as I have no clue of what I am! A big, fat question mark sparks me much more curiosity than a (certain) thought of what the truth might be like. I will still cling to thoughts but having the expectation that they're all way off the mark is very powerful and inspiring for me. Thanks for helping me seek more ferociously, im very grateful for your attempt to articulate this.

Day 9: 2/10 Nofap: I actually had some more compelling thoughts of Pmo'ing today, as though my motivations dwindled a bit. Yesterday, I revolted of the thought of relapsing, but if I thought about it today, the compelling reasons for why I shouldn't do it was actually not that present. Of course, I sat with the thought and it went away, but I feel like the addiction will keep creeping up to me.. only awareness can save me now; Today: was a very good day overall, I did my scheduled tasks and I was much more aware than usual, almost briefly as much as I was during my 10mg 5-MeO trip. (I will trip tomorrow 17mg's and see how that goes). I had a cold shower breakthrough(habit breakthrough) were I fully surrendered into the sensations rather than trying to divert them or escape them. This gave me a lot of strength and awareness. Im on track, and I feel like I will still do the stuff that keeps me on track even though my mind tells me not to, at least for now. And every time I come back like this from an ego backlash, I come back stronger. This time I will stay on track and streak on track. This time there will be a massive breakthrough, I can feel it. The LP course is going well, my routine is doing good, the 5-MeO is gonna be plugged and I've has some spiritual insights lately like never before (Today I got in touch with not being the body, and I got more aware of how the person I think I am is actually something separate from my true nature! Its like im observing someone else). I'll just have to carry on and keep you guys updated. I love you all <3

Day 8: 2/10 NoFap: I didn't get any cravings or thoughts today, except just before taking a cold shower (this one was very emotionally difficult), where I actually touched my dick very briefly for comfort, and then I was like "Hell no, fuck off" and I pulled the lever and had a great and very painful shower. Today: I was weak. I didn't sleep enough and my morning routine was a little off. I attended the athletics and I felt weak. I did the whole training, but it took a lot longer than I wanted it to. It was pretty empty in there, and I actually didn't find a good spot to place a piano inside the athletics house, so I shied away from approaching the staff to mention it, but I did mention it very briefly to my trainer as we were on the topic (he didn't wanna deny it, but he definitely didn't agree). I was so weak that my confidence fell apart, I actually started laughing for a long time when doing some reps, as I thought of how I spent the last days thinking so much about how confident I am and how im gonna approach women etc, and there I sit when my trainer chats with 2 women about diet, and I comfortably observe their conversation from 15m away, even though I could've approached and given some tips. Its all about the actions I take. If I come to the athletics house after sleeping 5 hours, eating an unhealthy breakfast, not have taken a cold shower for 1 week, fapped to porn 2 times the day before, procrastinated on my schedule for a month (im exaggerating), then, of course, I will feel very weak. If Im very aligned with my purpose and my schedule, I know ill be very strong and confident. I'll go and attend the athletics on Friday, when im 12 days into my streak, with 4 great schedules behind my back.