Igor82

Day 2: 3/10 My latest Kriya Yoga sessions were surprisingly relieving, they relieved me from the thoughts that created emotional resistance within me. This same awareness tends to appear automatically as thoughts and cravings comes up, as if the higher self has had enough of this addiction. I notice how ”the force of the PMO habit” is making me behave in a certain way. For example, when I was out in the city I just had to look at all the women that passed by and I started objectifying them, I had a hard time seeing them for who they were. Im slowly getting back on track though, day after day. Today I started reading again and I will go to sleep earlier, im keeping consistent with posting here and im getting more aware the addiction. I have made a firm desicion that I will chose my life purpose over my PMO addiction. im implementing the realization that I wrote about yesterday, that I cant have both, I can either have PMO or my life purpose.

Day 1: 3/10 I relapsed two times to porn yesterday evening, gaining my juiciest insights so far! Here are the notes I wrote down in my commonplace book right after the first relapse: (I somehow jerked off again to the same porn right after writing it all down ) 2019-02-26 I will not get that. There were no sparks, there was no sexual energy in my dick. I wanted to replicate the scenario I saw in hopes of pleasure! In hopes of fulfillment. I assumed that they were blissing out! I projected so many false thought onto that My hopes of bliss will never be achieved. I need to follow the steps outlined in the books to achieve the bliss that I want out of sex, and even that is also only temporary. I watched porn tonight because I wanted to observe how my body reacted to it, and how the sexual energy felt. I also wanted to find the best porn. Those wants didn't come from me though, they came as mere thoughts, coming from another place. They came more like cravings. I also couldn't hinder myself from watching because I felt like there was nothing better for me to do, and going to bed was too emotionally difficult for me to do. As the porn was watched, cravings came displaying the urge to watch the best porn! To find the best porn, and that would be rewarding! When the best porn was found, the decision was made in the mind that I will fap, and it would be emotionally difficult for me to not do so. Eventually, I fapped to the hottest porn, trying to replicate it, but it was very disappointing. "Where are the sparks?" Where are all the things that I anticipated? The truth is that what was happening was that I projected bliss onto the porn, thinking that if I could replicate the porn, then I would experience that same bliss as I imagined the porn would feel like! I projected my own fantasies and feelings onto the porn, creating the "bliss" in my head, but applying that "bliss" onto the porn to create the illusion that the bliss is out there and that I should watch and replicate the porn to experience it. The fantasies applied to the porn was all created in the head just like a craving, to get me to relapse by pointing me to something higher. The bliss is not on the screen, it's in the head, and its compelling force is made up of sexual energy. This is why if you watch porn long enough, you will stop out of boredom, out of no sufficient sexual energy driving arousal forward in genitals and mind. If you give in to cravings, you have already failed. The blocking of websites is to make sure that you don't give in to a craving, they are not there to hinder you when you're already in the force of cravings. My life purpose is grounded upon nofap, and PMO will sabotage my purpose. But my purpose is the key to defeat PMO. It's either or, and these forces will fight on, but my true intent lies in my purpose, and I know, I know for certain that I will win this war. I know that I will be successful with this. Action Steps: I need to reconnect myself with my sense of purpose so that I can have something to turn to in case something as dire as this happen. I also need to be observant of everything that has to do with the addiction so that I can finally see how it works and understand it, then transcend it. Never trigger the sexual energy, because it will summon more thoughts! The more I think of something, the more I will attract it, so an hour of porn contains a lot of thoughts about porn, and that creates more thoughts of porn during the day which leads me into watching more porn! Combine sexual energy, an available trigger(porn) and pleasure together and you got a very deadly loophole. I just need to sit with the thoughts of porn until they won't come up anymore, but meanwhile, I gotta focus on something else to make the elimination of porn-thoughts relevant and justified. I'll just have to realign myself with my inner strength and purpose and then it's smoother. I need to read more books so that I understand this path better. Even though I woke up today feeling crushed by life, I still managed to be quite productive today, perpetuating the snowball just a bit more.

@Serotoninluv What are the most optimal set and setting for inducing the insights while tripping on these doses?

Day 3: 4/10 Journal News: My last post was a very long one and it took a while to write out. This is why I have been reluctant to post here because I don't want to spend too much time writing my posts, especially if im gonna be writing them daily. Its a new week and I feel ready to tackle it and make it good. Im aiming to spend a maximum of 15 minutes on each post, boiling down the insights and writing more short and concise posts. NoFap News: I relapsed on Friday to porn. I initially gave into a mild cravings to watch porn as I was on the verge of going to bed. Then I came across the hottest porn I have seen in a very long time and the sexual energy that spawned in my genitals and in my head was astoundingly electric. I ended up fapping to the porn, and after I fapped, I still was turned on! That amount of sexual energy experienced there was really an eye-opener. I fantasized myself to sleep and I fantasized on the morning aswell, and then I jerked off again on the morning due to the fantasizing. These relapses lead me to some crucial insights that have given me a lot of strength these last 3 days: The addiction affects me subconsciously. I got aware of this briefly and its really huge. The addiction will access your motivations, your thought patterns and your habits! There is a huge difference between the thought patterns of a man that is addicted to porn that is in the same circumstances of a man that is not addicted to porn. The man without porn will have released the need for PMO out of his lifestyle and integrated its sexual energy, and that scenario is the ideal. I became aware that the addiction doesn't just permeate your ordinary thoughts with fantasizes and cravings, but it governs your subconscious behaviors and motivations as well! It takes a part in governing your emotions and motivations, and that is not desirable for me. I can see the potential of integrating sexual energy into my lifestyle. If I keep releasing it then I can't enjoy it, but if I can integrate such energy into my life rather than releasing it, well that takes it all to another level. During these last 3 days I have had a lot of cravings but also I have had the courage and strength to stare into them and choose something else. Every time I deny a craving I get more aware of how it works, and more in touch with my motivations behind denying it, and soon enough ill get aware of how doing this benefits me and then the snowball is up and running. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

AHAHAHA That is the funniest post

(Advancing the introductory video on this topic) Please give tips on how to use the journal more practically, how to get the most juice out of the journal. Go into detail of the benefits of the journal and how the benefits actually work, etc. Those building up their journal would really make use of some practical eye-openers that they would probably miss out on in the early stages.

Day 3 & 1: 3/10 & 4/10 My ratings (1-10) are a bit out of whack as there are a lot of variables that go into me rating a day. If I have relapsed one day but have rated the day a 4/10, then the relapse was most likely spontaneous. The difficulty is determined by how much emotional work im enduring that day. After I wrote my last entry I downloaded some of Leo's older videos and went to my cleaning job to listen to them. As I listened to them from a new perspective and a higher level of awareness, his messages went deep into my brain rather than scratching the surface, almost like listening to something entirely different, it feels like I can listen to his videos over and over again for my entire lifetime. In one of the videos, Leo practically talked about how and why to take a vacation. That really opened my eyes, and contemplating the ramifications of that teaching made me feel like I was getting out of my rut! Basically, my latest "ego backlash" was just me banging my head against the wall so many times that I burned out. And if it was an actual ego backlash, its grip has been released that evening. The next day (Day 3) I went on with a pretty good schedule, and I went to the atlethics house and kicked ass! (no pun intended). My confidence came back to me, almost like when you're presented a new possibility that might actually work and so you trust that it will work, then so suddenly you know it will work, just like you would hope that anything would work other than banging your head against a wall as you have done for the last 3 months. I was fearless and aware, and I executed my purpose that atlethic session with playfulness and strength. Actually on that particular session there showed up more sexy girls than a caveman would ever dream of (including the blonde chick), but at that moment the temptations that I would get before would not come! What I usually would do (a couple of years ago) would be that as soon as I found myself in such a sexy place I would, when I would go to the toilet, fap very hard and only be thinking about fapping the sexy asses I just witnessed. It would almost be like a knee-jerk reaction and I would immediately refer the glimpse of an ass to fapping asap, and I would do this with clear intention like it was an obvious thing to do. This behavior has now been replaced by a confident sense of purpose in something else, and in this atmosphere, the thoughts of PMO would greatly diminish as they would not be favored by a big part of me, the habitual behavior. And so as my purpose permeates my behavior, then any thoughts of PMO becomes much weaker. It was like the athletics house was empty at that point. Relapse report: As I came home tired, I wanted to go take a shower and eat some food, I rewarded myself with a hot shower, and in that weaker state I would dillute myself into thinking that its okay if I draw 10 minutes into 15 into 25, etc and so the thoughts of fapping arose. I ended up relapsing into a new (backwards) way of doing things that justified the good old experiment mindset. But the new way didn't really work out as I initially desired, so I just jacked it off "with awareness" as I realized that 1 hour has gone by and I have sabotaged my schedule... so screw it. Then I cleaned up the mess and went on with my evening, actually without much regret or guilt, I just went on with life. Today I watched porn for 1 hour. I had this craving that I resisted for 15 mintues and It was this subtle thing, but I wanted to distract myself from it... At one point, I just had to stare into it, I let go of whatever I did and just stared into it and oh boy... The mechanism of how the craving works are astounding, it is perfectly compelling! Its made out of your own voice, the voice that you trust so much, and it lulls your mind into obeying the cravings and to eventually relapse, it convinces you of it. As I stared the cravings right in the face (with difficulty), it quite rapidly started to fade away, getting replaced with my strength but also with a sense of pride and joy. And out of this pride and joy I went on and gave into the craving anyways (how sad) and watched porn for the next hour as aware as never before, I mean meditation level of awareness. The awareness that I put into that porn session was quite insightful but it always gives me a sense certainty every time: I know that the awareness that I pour into this addiction will kill it eventually; Im starting to realize that im dissuting myself and that im lying to myself, and I start go get aware of how I do it. Then I get really aware of how the addiction actually feels like and what is does to me. It's like the awareness is steadily growing me into this big warrior that the addiction eventually won't be able to take on ever again! I have made undeniable progress since my last porn relapse, at least this time I was much more aware of it and how it felt, and maybe next time ill obey my higher self, or watch just 30 minutes of it rather than 60, who knows! The same goes with the MO. And as im getting more aware of my addiction, im also steadily building up my lifestyle which is replacing the addiction but also countering it! I can see that its a pretty slow process, and I think that if I use up my willpower too quickly I will shoot myself in the foot, as it has happened for me many times before somehow. I dont really know how that works, maybe im just defieving myself, but what I know for certain is that my awareness is slowly killing the addiction and in combination with my lifestyle, I will soon replace PMO and outgrow it entierly. Takeaways: Awareness is slowly but surely killing off my addiction, meditation (Kriya Yoga) helps a lot with this, all credits go to the practice. I must have the courage and dicipline to actually stare down the cravings to death. I know that joy lies beyond them. I must always prioritize my purpose and my lifestyle and trust that this will be the cause of my addiction being healed. This is a long journey and there is no way around this. If I'll keep trying hard I will eventually break through, and its just a matter of time Insight: The mind has to distract me from actually staring into the cravings, and so by being unaware of the craving, I give into it! How deceptive! I'll just keep at it my friends, I love you all fiercely! <3

The amount of toxins stored in the fat is one reason why the body chooses not to burn it. If the body would burn toxin-rich fat then the body would also have to deal with the toxins which in that moment of burning fat would require the body to be able to handle the toxins that are being released, which the body isn't able to when its put in the conventional circumstances of "fat burning". The way to solve this problem is by water fasting. When you are fasting the body can be fully focused on detoxification and healing, and so the body will get rid of the toxins in the fat while it is using up the fat itself to stay alive during a fast. Do not attempt dry-fasting as in those conditions the body won't be able to deal with the toxins when it's desperately using water that is stored in the fat to stay alive. The body will just move the toxins to another place and never actually getting rid of them during a dry fast. The detoxification process requires a lot of water.

Day 2, 3, 1, 2: 5/10 Nofap news: I did a normal wank without fantasizing, and im suffering for it, the suffering that comes from me relapsing is being shown very clearly and it's a good thing, but also a bad thing: I don't want to blame that "this is an ego backlash" anymore but It feels like my ego has been resisting my schedule for a month nonstop. There are so many things that go into my schedule being successful. If I don't meditate I can't start my day properly, if I don't go to sleep in the right time I won't wake up with enough motivation to meditate, if I wake up late I will screw up my eating schedule, and if I eat poorly it all goes to hell! Do you get what im saying? The reason why Im not posting regularly is that im stuck in this cloud of problems to solve! And im trying and trying, backsliding and backsliding, fail after fail without success, as I keep falling into the same traps over and over again! I don't want to live this way, I need the strength to create momentum just for once, and I will never give up on that! I can't give up. I'll figure out a way. Maybe im just burning myself out... The first thing in the morning is my Kriya routine, and its always hard to get the ass on the mat, especially when I wake up late, the ego resists it every time, but as I finally get down, I always discover its hidden bliss 5 minutes into the routine, but I do of course forget that until the next morning. It feels like im living only for the Kriya these days. The point is that Im always approaching my routine with a mastery mindset. I am always trying my very best every time I sit down on the mat, and I try to be as aware as possible during the sessions and I feel like the awareness always improves the routine! In the same way, as im approaching my addictions with awareness and that really helps me to see how much suffering im creating for myself and how the addiction affects me, ultimately leading to the addiction kind of getting erased from my subconscious as I get more and more aware of what it acutally does and how it actually works! But ofcourse, my ego resists this awareness and indirectly robs me of my strength to actually do the work! If I won't do the Kriya, or if I wont exercise, I will more probably relapse into PMO, and the ego knows this. As you seem problems are very complicated and I have a tough time solving them. But the to have ups you gotta have downs and I know that the real breaktrough is near. I just gotta keep on trying and soon ill grow into becoming a different, more mature person. I have grown significantly since I started this journey.

Day 2, 3 & 1: 4/10, 6/10 & 1/10 On Monday I gave in to a craving to watch porn. It came in the context of me procrastinating on my work and distracting myself with the laptop. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would eventually watch porn as it was only a few clicks away. After an hour of watching youtube on the laptop I gave in to the craving to just watch a single image, and that made me crave even more porn! With awareness, I ended up watching for a couple of minutes, but that would prove to be a deadly mistake as the cravings just became stronger and that worsened my procrastination. I ended up watching porn for 1 hour on monday night, It felt strange at first as I was aware of it, but halfway into the session my awareness started to fade away and I noticed the addictive patterns starting to form, a "mission" of trying to find the best picture, getting a "hit" from every picture, etc. These patterns developed themselves the more I watched during that session. The day after, I wanted to change my schedule a bit and go directly for making some progress on the life purpose course thus delaying my meditation routine until I was done with the work. I ended up working for 30 minutes and then I distracted myself with video games, then I gave into more cravings of watching porn, and eventually, that led me into a relapse as the cravings became much more compelling than before. I played some more hours of video games and in the evening I relapsed again to porn, this time with superior awareness into the dissatisfaction of the whole process (which was very insightful)... I didnt meditate that day. Today I woke up late, with the problems of yesterday screaming to be solved. I went into the now, and I had an important insight which boosted my productivity: What truly matters is the actions you take and not what you think! I always think of doing alot of stuff, but what truly matters is that I actually do them. Lately I have actually blurred the line between these 2 and it has given much room for self-deception. After the insight, even though in my mind I planned out my day, I was aware that what truly mattered was what I actually did and the actions I made, but also the choises I made aswell. Today I did a very successful morning routine and now im writing this, ready for more productivity! Always after a relapse, the pendulum swings back and I regain my energy, maybe it's because of the higher self backlashing but in my mind this kind of becomes a seed for another reason to relapse as I know that I will come back stronger than ever the day after. My mind wants to think that a relapse helps me...

Day 1: 2/10 If I work and feel in the flow zone, then my dick does not exist! But only if Im flowing. Sometimes when I try to work, I get cravings to distract myself with PMO as im not in the flow. Today I worked really really hard at my cleaning job as this was a tough week and I had to go ham for 4 hours straight without a break, and in these modes, you never just consider "oh, lets sit down and jerk-off" and if you do, you will immediately repel it because your mind is focused on what's more critical for you to do. In the flow that I was in, I noticed that my mind constantly gave me subtle action steps to do something on track with the main goal that I had in my mind, and this was to finish the job! My main goal after the job was to go home, as it was really late and I had to get home with the bike I rode to work with, so that was another challenge which in turn sparked more flow, and when I was home I wanted to take a cold shower and eat, etc. My mind - in this case, I suspect my higher self - kept throwing me actions steps which felt good to actualize. Of course, it would feel much better to actualize such action steps that would actually directly fulfill my purpose, but this is a taste of the flow that is the true answer to my addiction, something to do that takes PMO out of the picture.

Day 13: 4/10 - Relapse I woke up with a cough, but today I was gonna nail it! Even though I woke up at noontime I managed to do my routines and go out and by alot of fruits. As I can home after a long walk of carrying 40kgs of fruits I just wanted to take a hot shower. I think part of the relapse is that I have soo much stuff to resume after being sick that the thought of it is a bit demoralizing, sitting there in the bathtub without finding a compelling energizing reason to get out was hard, and every second that went by increased my chances of a relapsing in that bathtub as in my mind it was either getting out of there or poiting the shower hose at my dick. The very funny moment was when I sat there like a sack of beans and my inner voice went like: “Dude, get up. Get up dude! You are gonna relapse, get up. Get up! Get up! Get up! Why is he not getting up? Get up you potato!!”. I didnt get up. I was weak, not in the flow, not in touch with life, and so I relapsed in the shower with the experimental mindset, and even though I knew that I wouldnt manage to do a non-ejaculatory orgasm, I still went on and did some woo woo hyperventilation and came.

@Richard Alpert My friend, I had a great time sharing my journey with you, and even tough we both tried out best to not touch eachothers dicks, obviously the hand couldnt wait anymore. As we now depart like a rope split in two, I want you to forever know that I love you <3

Day 11&12: 1/10 3/10 NoFap News: On day 12 (today) I was straining myself a bit harder to get back on track. But as I still had a cold, running to my piano lesson in the rain didnt really do much good for my lungs. I came home exhausted and laid down on my sofa though unable to sleep and so I was hit with cravings to fantasize and to just touch my dick. As I couldnt fall asleep for a nap, I slipped into fantasy mode to then catching myself slipping my hand into my pants, because my inner strength saved me just seconds after. I obeyed my higher voice that said “STOP IT!” and after enough times of slipping into fantasy land I went out of the couch to cook a crazy meal feeling good and in control, I feel strong. Tomorrow im gonna try my best to start updating regularely in this journal as this journal really helps me but also for me to be able to regain my strength and ground my regular updates in a regular schedule.

As I’m writing this I have had about a week of integration due to being unable to post the trip report facing strong hindrance in my life and so I don’t really have a fresh memory of this experience. Most of the report was written by interpreting the video footage of me filming the experience (static camera). Edit: I tried my best making this report as detailed as possible because I would actually find a lot of joy myself in reading detailed reports on how people subjectively would think/feel or behave during their trips: I fixed some grammar issues to make this more enjoyable to read! I took the substance on the afternoon on 30th of January and I planned to take a heavy dose of 55mg’s as my previous dose of 45 mg’s proved to be a “medium” dose. This experience was defiantly more intense, but now I realize that a heavy dose is was beyond this, so I rescaled this one to be a medium dose. I also had some problems with diluting the substance into the water, so the dose was most probably smaller than I desired. I plugged the substance in a moderate set and setting but I was not at my peak, I didn’t enter the experience with full strength as the days prior to this experience I was suffering a backlash in my work. The report: After administration, I went down to lay on my bed committed to totally surrender. As I kept surrendering the excitement went away, and in my meditative awareness, the fear I had in expectation to the experience also went away. Thoughts came up, the monkey mind came up just like in a normal mediation session, they were more hasty than normal, but as they were so familiar I started thinking that the substance was not taking effect. As I kept surrendering, just more thoughts came up! I kept surrendering thinking that the substance has not really taken effect, because my expectation that was based on the prior trip of 45mg was that the thoughts would somehow disappear as awareness would come forth and I expected that to be quite pleasant, I was wrong. More thoughts came up, but they started getting more and more disturbing but as I surrendered into them, I felt frustration gradually building up in my chest and the thoughts that came up to justify this was that “I didn’t break through”, “Why did this happen, such a waste of time!” The frustration didn’t leave, and as it was only 20 minutes in, I kept surrendering. I was very frustrated that “this” was the peak because I had a different expectation of it. The thoughts became increasingly disturbing, depicting my body being tared apart or being pulverized, for example, a sensation in my neck would provoke a thought of my head being dragged away from my body resulting in a pretty graphic scene. These types of thoughts were very bearable and easy to surrender into and I tried to surrender as much as possible into this. There was this deep sense of frustration and hate “coming from” a strong sense of masculine energy that kept building up inside my chest (the energy being like the reptilian energy of being able to kill someone without regrets), was permeating my thoughts and being projected onto them! I was completely incapable of summoning love at this point. If I would have faced Mohammad Ali with this rage, he would completely beat me up, I wouldn’t even perform properly, but I would fight until the last twitch, never admitting defeat! At one point as I tried surrendering into the raging sensation in my chest, a sudden thought of a very disturbing face making a very disturbing smile caught me off guard and frightened me. I managed to surrender into the fear and it quickly subsided. I slowly started getting more aware of what my thoughts were and I noticed the untenableness of how my frustration being directed towards a certain reason or thing. I then quickly realized that the ego was trying to backlash the awareness that was arising, and this became obvious as the cravings started to arise; The cravings were bizarre, in order to suppress my high awareness, I started craving chugging a liter of vodka or going for a rapid PMO marathon, and as I urged to visualize about my fetishes, they just became completely untenable! I knew that the cravings would be compelling with my current level of awareness but then I actually reacted against the cravings as much as I reacted against everything! At that moment I hated everything and I had this deep and sheer sense of frustration and hate, I would be able to do anything that you would call bad: The devil within me came forth and I would be able to kill a puppy or heavily sabotage myself just because there lied some deep, deep devilish joy in those actions (a very shallow but very compelling joy, and a deep desire to suppress the awareness). My body started moving by itself, almost like moving by the force of habit, unexpectedly, unintended, and it used this way of moving to keep me distracted and unable to sit still and surrender. I started moving my head in certain motions, moving myself, speaking, talking, thinking, and I noticed that this was all happening in a fluid motion to just keep me from stillness. I was occasionally reminded to “Surrender!” and at those points, I relaxed my whole body for a few seconds, but then I got reabsorbed into the process of distracting the awareness. My body was in fact still most of the time, but my mind was chaos, most of the distraction mechanisms occurred in my mind, such as racing thoughts, fantasies and cravings. At the peak, I moved my body about 15% of the time. As I started to come down, the backlash had its opportunity to become stronger as I started to regain my energy, but my willpower was getting weaker and my inner strength slowly started giving up on surrendering into the experience, and so the backlash started expressing itself more physically. I started throwing hate speech at the world, expressing my hate trough words. I have never meant “I fucking hate you!” like in that moment as ever before. From being in my mind while sitting still as I was still stying to observe the frustration and surrender into it (for therapeutical purposes), I shifted my behavior to having occasional energetic releases of hatred and rage verbally and physically. I would smash my first really hard into my bed or violently shaking my head. It's hurting my ego to rewatch the video footage as it's hard for me to swallow how much of a devil I was in that moment and how much I meant those words. I have never had such a deep hatred in my whole life! As I sat there, being aware of the iPad filming, I expressed most of my verbal hatred to the camera, but then I also tried to report on the experience and on how it felt. I said things like "Every fiber of my body is resisting it" and “I fucking hate it!!” At one point I performed some weird body movements which put me in freaky bodily position which you would only see in a scary movie; I wrapped my arms tightly around my head with my legs strongly locked in the fetus position, and in this position I faced a short burst of my fear of the dark and of thight spaces, this fear was compelling and caused me to shortly release the grip. At the one hour mark, the immense frustration started to wear off as the awareness coming from the substance was at the end of the comedown, I started having thoughts of like “Eat bananas” or “let's go do something fun!”. Joy started appearing, but the backlash and the frustration was still lingering, you can say that my higher self was starting to invade the devil piece by piece, and it kind of took the role of the observer, so as I did do my devilish stuff, I did also react to them right after in a more normal manner like “Oh, how immature” “Oh, what a devil!”. Even though I was coming down like this, I would still lay on the bed for the next 30 minutes, but this time just more like explaining to the camera the situation that I was in. Nothing special happened after that except that I communicated some good insights and displayed some the last ounce of rage until I was capable of cleaning up the mess and go on about. A minor state of frustration did linger after that experience for a couple of hours, and this anger would be showing up randomly in short bursts throughout the next couple of days. Insights: (These are the raw juicy notes that I wrote right after the experience). How am I supposed to surrender when the ego shows all of this resistance? The resistance arose as spontaneous urges, almost uncontrollable movements, it was like a force of nature that required a very powerful ability to surrender into in order to actually surrender into! It also takes away everything positive while throwing in a lot of frustration, anger, urges to kill people, urges to kill myself, urges to smash my hand so hard into the wall so hard that it breaks, and urges to scream. The hate is automatic, its more automatic that instincts or habits, the hate for awareness lies at the rock bottom of the ego, and its gonna show up in the eyes of awareness no matter what you do. It will happen. (Of course, you won't backlash as hard from just one meditation session) I can see where this is going and I now have a better picture of the actual awareness at play. The awareness just reveals more of the ego and what's going on, but the awareness does not change anything, it just makes you more "aware", it has no attributes really, but its here, it's not some "glorious sensation", its always going on! Its nothing, I can’t really describe the thing that makes me more aware, I can’t put my finger on the awareness. This was like 0.1 % of the 5-MeO potential, and the "Hell" would be this experience that I now had times 10x, like constant superior frustration, that kind of frustration you experience when your doing yoga and it all goes to hell, and now take that short burst of frustration and prolong it into a full 30 minutes. To be able to endure this, you must enter from a position of strength and really be expecting hell, not expecting anything else, especially not rainbows and butterflies. I got very strong cravings, fulfilling these would make me the most unaware! I got to know how immature I am. Im living with this veil of "the lifestyle" I have built up with love here and love there, and then you take the substance and the ego flips a switch and the veil unravels to show an ego going beast mode, and at that moment you can really see the devil inside of you. I also saw how it turned around some of my otherwise obvious insights, 180degrees. I wanted to hurt myself just to hurt myself, I wanted to fap (in that moment I knew it was pointless), but I wanted to do it JUST for the reason to hurt myself, and It kind of had this evil sense of joy to it, a joy rooted deep within. I had a glimpse of that the ego wants to suppress awareness because the main point is that it does not want to get aware of itself, if that happens, you have the sufficient awareness to see consciousness for what it is, because you can see that the ego is a lie, (if the ego is a lie = you are reality) I have a much better taste for how im going to die, and it's not merely a "pleasant sensation" that I might hope to obtain, but its gonna be hell on earth for me. Im either nondual or im not, and if I am not, then im run by a mechanism that is inherently devilish (made to surepress awareness). This mechanism is not me! Im not controlling it, im controlling its design as much as im controlling the design of my hand. Its just happening without controll, but it sure is designed to feel like im controlling it! The line between nonduality and duality is infinitely small. You’re either a god or a devil. Thoughts are there to make you unaware, and so you can never relate to awareness trough thoughts! Thoughts are there to distract you from awareness because with sufficient awareness you see the bigger picture of that thought is false! Thoughts are rooted in the fear of death. The ego will fight till its last moments so Ill better take a huge dose to kill it quickly. It will fight no matter what, and of course, you can attempt to surrender but surrender with a guarantee of death is much more worth it. The sheer hate that spawned in me was astounding. The ego cant encapsulate awareness, so it cant really direct hate towards awareness itself, but the hate was still there, without a direction to go, so it makes sense for the hate to be projected but I did feel like the hate came from nowhere, the more aware I got in that moment the more I got filled with hate. The ego threw continuous distractions and urges just to keep me moving, just keep me from being still. I did catch myself a few times and went into surrender mode again, but as soon as I did that more urges came! The urges came like a machine gun that never stops, that never indicates that it's out of ammunition or that it's ever gonna stop, like whatever threw these cravings was fighting ferociously for its life. Some fears came up, some "surprises" that frightened me, like very vivid images of scary faces and really scary facial-expressions, mainly scary smiles. I also curled myself at one point into my arms and legs, and at that point, I felt claustrophobic and afraid. I had this extreme surge of masculine energy (in a bad way), like full-on reptilian killing energy mode. I attempted to release this energy trough doing pushups, but the result was that I actually did fewer pushups than normal! Why do I have to enter this experience with strength and energy? Well, the energy makes me more aware in general, it connects me to my higher self which in turn makes me more capable of surrendering and being more aware. I must approach the torture chamber like a strongman and not like as wimp. The integration has produced rapid growth. I now that I defiantly don’t understand who I am, but I have glimpsed a part of the mechanism that is constructing the illusion, I defiantly know that there is a big devil waiting inside of me, and the ego can just flip a switch, it can flip a switch anytime it wants and that fact makes this very humbling. Im more mature with my fears, and im actually excited to do the next dose (gotta buy some lube for that), just to experience hell, but I think it might be a little smarter to go for the breakthrough. This kind of frustration came forth one day after the experience in the form of masculine energy like I could kill stuff but simountainiously I would fall in love with everything around me, and the experience of these two forces joining really brought up a new point for me to aim for. My old expectations of ego death have been completely shattered, I would even take back some things I said in the 45mg report, and my conceptual understanding of enlightenment itself has changed a bit (Towards the right direction). Now it's utterly untenable for me to even think that I know for sure what “enlightenment is like” or “what awareness is”. Even my memories are untenable. Next time I will administer 60mg’s with a better way to actually get all of that 60mg’s into my body (If successful, that would probably be a breakthrough dose). I will do that from a position of strength in a good set and setting. This will require for me to get a grip on my lifestyle again so I might postpone this for a week or two... And there is soo much more work to do... Thank you for reading

Strongest Journey All you need is a dream and some time, and any mountain becomes an effortless climb As you’ll never know whats ahead of you, you know a summit is waiting for you With billion steps taken without regrets, sometimes dirty wounded and mean, the strongest journey abhors the largest dreams; the future is already foreseen.

I love you Now I know, I know, as my deep ignorance is melting away. I know you, I see you, I feel you, and I know of all you have gone through. I understand that the world is heavy, and why you can’t break free. I will give you me, to bloom your roots, to white the grey and complete my heart. I am you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Vision. Im pushing through my fears, as I shed blood and some tears, rushing towards a light in front of me, with salt all over me. I know only for certain that the light will come closer, this belief is the source of my endless vigor. The light morphs on in every moment to always stare back at me perfectly But my uncertainty is catching up to me; I cannot catch up to that whom never shows reality! I freeze the chase I look at this place, the pain diminished and tears streames down my face Never before have I got what it showed; The light kept brightening up the road! In the same direction now I walk very slowly, As I stopped running, the light came back to me. Im finally free, to enjoy the beauty all around me.

@Joshuas @Psychonaut Really good poems there! Joshuas, nice work with the rhymes! : A prayer of spring. I enjoy reading all of these poems, thank you all for this thread!

@Leo Gura Thanks, Leo! Btw, your recent video about God is amazing, I really liked it <3 @Arthur Thank you! Im is actually very comfortable being around the camera as I have filmed countless videos with it. It's not a matter of pressure for me anymore, its just a matter of habit or if I would distract myself. Actually, the camera gives me a feeling of being safe, like I love the fact that something is looking from the external perspective and recording it! Especially the camera as its very neutral. Im also excited to film the breakthrough!

@clouffy Try to actually do things 50% slower for a few hours. Concentrating on that and feeling the calmness of it could work just like a game. Also, you could play the game of staring at a wall for a couple o hours <3

Thank you guys for helping out <3 @Richard Alpert If you relapse, please go start your own journal. A relapse is only the beginning! Day 6 - 10: 1/10, 1/10, 2/10, 3/10, 3/10: Hey, it has been a while and I miss this so much. Well, even though I was on fire last friday, I gave in to going to a weekend party (til early Monday) at my friend's countryhouse and the party went well! Although I was not as productive with my work, I enjoyed my overpowering masculine energy radiating to all my friends and I had endless energy the first couple of days without any cravings for PMO. Eventually this energy faded off as this energy is dependent on my routine working well and me eating healthy food, and as the food we brought with us ran out the first day and I had some weed with me, that turned out to be disastrous. I ended up eating unhealthy food and sabotaging for myself. I do not want to say that this experience was not worth it or anything, because I gained a-lot of benefits an growth from this that I would have not if I didn't go: The thing is that I became sick, and as a couple of people in the friends house also was sick this was no surprise. As I got home, I felt weak and tired after only sleeping 5 hours, and then this sense of fatigue and cold just slowly creeped onto me, and I just got weaker and weaker. I didn't do any of my daily mandatory tasks that day as I didn't want to miss the bus in the early morning and as the sickness creeped up on the afternoon. By the evening I was so sick that I couldn't really think. I had a fever and a cold at the same time, and as I ate a junk food breakfast, I was dehydrated as-well and probably hungry. I had no willpower at all, and all I wanted to do was sleep, at one point I just couldn't get out of the couch no matter how much I tried to convince myself. The funny thing was that my lower self almost completely faded away, letting enough space for my higher self to come in there and be like "yo, now you can meditate!" As I was so sick that I couldn't even fall asleep, I just laid there in this meditative state, half dreaming. It was quite enjoyable. The evidence of my lower self being eliminated was shown trough the utter lack of cravings I had and the disgust I had for the things I desired just a couple of days ago. Complete repulsion of squirting my seed, utter disgust of the thought of junk food and no validation for distraction. The next day I woke up at 4pm just trying to sleep it off. I did feel a little better but I still had a milder fever a definitely a cold. I did manage to eat some fruits and drink alot of water, and as I regained just a little of my strength, I managed to convince myself to clean most of the apartment as it was very dirty and messy. This took me 4 hours of work, and I topped that off with a hot shower and my Kriya routine, and that Kriya was really hard to perform. The next day (today) I woke up with a little more energy, but still with a cold, and my lack of a routine has really took a toll on me, and as the strength came back so did also my lower self towards the evening. I wanted to finally post the trip report but I ended up distracting myself even more, just watching youtube for several hours. Now my cravings are coming back, and they are being justified! Like how a naive person would swallow the words of Donald Trump, not being aware of the actual truth and consequences behind those words. A big part of my strength its being used to perpetuate my lower self! And that is very annoying. I actually gave in to a craving to watch porn today, but I only ended up watching an image for about 2 seconds. An after those 2 seconds the same level of cravings I had to watch that initial image was now 25% larger and directed towards watching something else! I realised quickly that fulfilling those cravings wouldn't satisfy me, it would only perpetuate my state, so I summoned to strength to sit with the cravings until they disappeared. If I wake up tomorrow feeling cured, then I will make a startup schedule to resume my routines. If I will wake up sick, I think Ill still do it anyways.

Day 5: 1/10 Today has been great! Endless productivity! I did swallow a pill of Modafinil to help me out, but I finally feel free from the ego backlash! When I was going to sleep yesterday, I was full of this extraordinary masculine energy, that made me feel like I could go out there and kill the day! I couldn't wait to fall asleep and wake up to do my best. We have so much potential within our bodies that we don't use! We can use ourselves for so many things that would make us so very happy, but sometimes we just end up choosing to sit in fron of the tv with a beer in the right hand. Its our thoughts that governs us. As I became aware of my potential, I had this willingness to not make it go to waste: As I went to sleep I learned to let go of all thoughts concerning my addictions (video gemes this time), just seeing them for what they are, but most importantly, comparing them to my purpose! And to that, they fell short, very short. I feel in touch with what I want to achomplish, and this feeling has been robbed from the for the last couple of weeks. The frustration (the energy) that I experienced on my last 5-MeO trip was still subtly there in the form of strong masuline energy but in the midst of this energy, I was immense love! While I would be living my purpose and expending my strong masculine energy to my full potential, I would simountainously radiate love for everything. This is what I experienced today and it was very profound. An excellent day! Action steps: Prioritize my visualization practice to get in touch with my goals and practise awareness while dong my ordinary stuff to get rid of cravings and get in touch with love and eudamonia Keep taking higher doses of Modafinil when feeling strong enough to be very productive. My dick doesn't even exist, 0 cravings today! And my masculine energy made any thought of PMO very unattractive. Girls are more like "beautiful humans" without any labels or attachments to them coming from PMO. I feel like my charisma is sky-high and my confidence was peaking today! As I listened to music going to the athletics house, I visualized about my future self, about fulfilling my purpose and how big I will become! My confidence and self-love went through the roof, and at that moment I was unstoppable.