Igor82

Member
  • Content count

    435
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Igor82

  1. Thank you for your tips. I will definitely integrate the pages into my bookmarks and language. I feel like this is a long-term investment and upping my language skills is like upping posture. It changes my life. I do some breathwork (wim hof 3 rounds) almost daily nowadays, but I'm yet to combine it with art and creativity, although I try to combine it with visualization, I can relate to being stuck on a word though. How I solve that is to time my writing to when I really feel like writing, like when a volcano feels to erupt. Suddenly, I just sit down, and instead of journaling about my emotions, I put them into poetry. Although I'm yet to find a way to write poetry that is not emotionally driven, I'm yet to create a structure like a story, I might get inspired to do so when I read your Journeys Beyond Earth. So I'm waiting to see this in action.
  2. @SirVladimir Thank you for your texts, I just read the one you posted (although without following instructions), and I really liked it, and I really respect that you want people to read this under the affect of a psychedelic and after meditation. It seems to me as serious love! I want to share with you this poem, do you like it? Im really proud of it and I think I managed to guide the reader in a good way.
  3. Hello Leo! Congratz! What is your life purpose statement? How has it morphed from the beginning of actualized.org up until now? How long did the longest intimate relationship you had with a girl last, and why did you break up if you did? Please describe one or more of the top sexual experiences you have had with a girl Do you currently have any other creative/artistic pursuits/interests? What are your top 10 values?
  4. Forewords: I have found that plugging 5-MeO-DMT oxalate required alot more substance for me to feel any effects from it. I plugged 35mg's. My set and setting was really good, I did my morning routine and I wanted to keep on with my day until I found myself in the perfect setting to trip on 5-MeO, so I took the opportunity and I dont regret doing that. Even though I felt like I was supposed to do stuff, and I felt like "My ego was active and big", it didnt turn out to be a hindrance. I fasted for 36 hours prior to the experience (initially for health reasons). I got okay with the fact that I was gonna die, and I felt excited for my death. I was full of energy, while I grounded up the 5-MeO and dissolved into the water. After administration, I went and laid down comfortably on my bed with my limbs extended, opening myself up for any experience. I felt fear during the comeup, and it really stung in my butt, I surrendered into the sensations. My heart started to pump faster Suddenly, my awareness just shifted, and went up 10x to a peak meditative state, and this made me much more aware of my body and the body load. That made me start breathing more heavily and I felt just a little terror and fear coming up. I surrendered. I did also have some thoughts of like "this is it his is what I wanted" I felt satisfied with the level of awareness I experienced, but now after the trip I can definitely assure that this awareness could have gone much higher in terms of satisfaction. I suddenly calmed down, and 15 minutes into it, the pain the my butt was subsided, all fear was gone, along with the heavy breathing and pumping heart. I was left with this surge of awareness, where I was constantly aware of all that was happening, I got aware of all the thoughts that came up. I felt a little more connected to everything, but there were no non-duality or ego death. The ego was definitely there, and it throwed me a very very compelling urge to jerk off, and so I did, while being very aware of it. The orgasm was so laughably different than what the craving displayed that I got this sense of liberation, which caused me to have amazing surge of masculine energy, I felt like I could do anything; I could plug another 60mg's, I could go run a marathon, lift a mountain etc. This masculine energy probably came from an inner liberation that I sensed as I got this feeling of certainty that this craving will never be able to seduce me ever again! I felt very liberated that even though im struggling with nofap, and this relapse would make me feel guilty, I actually felt good, like "This was worth the experience, and why thehell should I cry over spilled milk? Lets move on with life!!" I felt alive like never before, but this energy was not satisfying by any means, it was more like "I could do anything on order to get something, so by definition, the energy would not satisfy me. I tried surrendering, I attempted meditation and self-inqury during the peak (I was fully able to move around, dont get me wrong), and I would have gone pretty deep unless I had this impatience to go do something, to release my energy, I ended up satisfying my hunger for food by eating a couple of pineapples. Insights: Taking care of the body is paramount, paramount in how you will feel in the body and what kinds of thoughts will be thrown at you. If the body is not properly taken care of, then doing personal development would be like trying to stop a flood with a towell. If the body is in its peak state, trancendence of the body will be much easier (This is counter-intuitive) The key to release an addiction is to not think about it! If you think, crave it or fantasize about it, then you will attract it. When a thought of the addiction arises, sit with the thought, permeate it with your awareness until it disappears, but also make sure that you have your mind and thoughts directed at something elise! If you will have 10k thoughts arise during your day and you're a heroin addict, it would be much more beneficial for you to direct your resources at something thats worth working for, rather than just sitting on a couch and having all those thoughts be unavoidably focused on your addiction, as your not doing anything anyways. Its much easier to get rid of an addiction if what you are thinking about is actually not the addiction, rather how to live the best life possible. Permeate your thoughts with your purpose (by taking action on it!) while also letting go of thinking about your addiction until you wont have a single thought about the addiction anymore, and only then, it is transcended. Yes, you can sit on the couch and let go of every single thought until there is no thought left = the addiction is gone, or; You can permeate whatever thoughts you have with the purpose of authentic eudaemonia rather than hedonism, so that you stop thinking about your addiction = the addiction is gone. Summary: This experience was very beneficial, and I feel like I know the proper set and setting, the proper mindset and the proper way to surrender. Plugging was indeed very very smooth, I have now a new sense of how alive I can feel if I just think differently about life, and next time I will administer 45mg's the same way, expecting terror torture and death.
  5. I am a teenager using psychedelics for personal growth. We just have to begin with grasping the theory of psychedelics (dangers, safety, potentials and expectations), then we can start out with low doses with a clear intention of using it for personal growth. If it works well, we up the dosages slowly to explore within our zone, and then it becomes apparent what we need to work on, thus, personal growth. A teenager could work his way up to taking normal doses of LSD and use it for contemplating his traumas or existential questions. And this gives some good results! This way, the unexperienced could build himself up to the bigger psychedelics like 5-MeO, by integrating baby doses of the other psychedelics. The turtle wins the race, but he gotta start somewhere. So, I think that if teenagers have the proper theoretical foundation before trying psychedelics, and the proper attitude for them, then they can do it for sure. But of course, most teenagers would not do this, even if we gave them the knowledge. I think teenagers could and should start with psychedelics with a responsible attitude, sufficient knowledge, and baby right dosages starting out, slowly ramping up. The attitude should be to uncover all the shit within, aiming at self-actualization, but taking it very slow. If a teenager would be able to truly have that kind of attitude, then I think he should take that psychedelic. Problem is, most teenagers won't have that attitude, so they shouldn't take the psychedelics.
  6. Oh, music has such potential. If only we could fuse this kind of art with self-actualization. I think this is the next step for actualized.org stuff, to transcend language as a way of communicating the understanding of these high-level teachings, and to fuse epistemology, psychology, and art in a way that really gets this stuff into people's heads! Think of including our learning mechanism, our intuition, our preferences for beauty, our sexual energy, our imagination, all of these, into a piece of art. It would put the same kind of message that Leo tries to express in 2 hours, into something as long as 3 minutes. You'd have to be a master manipulator as well. We have people at the top using manipulation in such masterful ways, not at all valuing consciousness and self-actualization. Let's turn that around, inside out.
  7. Wow! Thats exacly what I need to hear!! I also play the piano, (here is my soundcloud: https://m.soundcloud.com/jean-igor-letoni) And I know that if I work on a melody of some sorts for a dedicated ammount of time, that I can make an amazing arrangement, and I can actually find ways to combine it with the poetry! Oh shit!!! Of course, I am a genuis, I just dont use it! I can actually sit down, create a flow of creativity on ableton, actually sit and brainstorm how to make a melody to my poetry (with one note, and maybe with sorting voice recordings), and then implement it slowly and surely into ableton! I can make a song out of this one and it will just take a week, and the end result will be amazing! Fuck, this is actually the first time im thinking about it like this. I really needed that validation
  8. Diet/health should be simple, not complicated, just like life. You simply get hungry, eat until you are satisfied. Our bodies are made for that, right? Only later have we learned to farm stuff, mix stuff, and research stuff. It's like piano. We complicate piano so much, by researching how the geniuses have done it, and then we fall into the trap of trying to replicate the "genius" through music theory, but we never ask ourselves how the geniuses did prior to our analysis of them. And playing piano is pretty simple. Its all about learning how to play a piece, which you can create while you learn it, so you slowly build it up while modifying it to your preferences, re-learning it, filling it with your love, and thus basing your finger technique on that love, and becoming better and reaching mastery this way! Modern pianists forget the creative part, hence much of the love part - they miss out on the feeling of raising a child. Diet is just like this. We don't have to analyze it if it would come naturally to us, unfortunately, we have to adopt a shield of knowledge against all the unnatural stuff out there, but we must retain the nature of diet! If you would live in nature, what would you eat? If there was no modification to your knowledge and your natural habitat, what would you eat? The stuff that grows on trees! And the stuff that doesn't taste bitter, stuff that you don't have to make a fire for, etc. I'm not trying to impose something on you, just think simple, simple as hunger - eat - satisfied. Some autoimmune disorders come from unnatural childbirth, such as cesarean, because the child won't get enough bacteria from the normal way out to build a proper immune system. The natural way is not to be completely sterile. The immune system can get out of whack the more unnatural and sterile our lives are. But we would never perform cesarean out in the jungle 50000 years ago. Just, how would you live prior to all the analysis on how we should live? It's simple, get more in touch with that. I think your disease could come from an unnatural way of living, in some way, from your part. Maybe you need more dirt in your life, maybe you need move more thus eat more calories, thus get more net nutrients, maybe you need to see nature every day, maybe you need a better posture - The research of "optimal health" is just a shield of knowledge against the modification of our own natural habitat. Maybe you did some wrong modifications, and this is quite complicated! Because lifestyle is very big.
  9. Here is a poem I wrote after having watched a sunset, kind of stumbling upon it as I was wandering around looking for somebody - someone, anyone (a good looking girl) while in grief of the breakup with my ex.
  10. Thank you in advance for reading the whole post It has been 3,5 years since I discovered personal development/L.e.o, (I was 14,5) and I have been lucky enough to live with my mom this time with barely any responsibilities. The initial goal was to build up a passive income, then the goals became to find my life purpose. Basic enlightenment work in there as well. This would be an extensive explanation of why you should do Leo's forgiveness video: I have recently gone through a relationship with a yoga teacher, this was my first relationship, and I was very confused. You know what I essentially did in that relationship? I abandoned almost all my goals, and subconsciously transmuted that energy of trying to achieve my goals - to be investing that energy into the relationship. Why? Well, what happened is that I have had a very angry father growing up, and he passed on so much of his anger onto me, so I became an angry child, trying to find the love I didn't get from my angry dad, in my girlfriend. And so I shaped her into my dad in my mind, I acted as if she was my dad, I focused on her as much as I wanted my dad's love, and as I didn't know how to handle this well of anger deep inside of me, I just reacted to fill the hole that it came from - lack of love from my dad. And this hole was what caused me to build these goals, based on just trying to fill that hole, and now she was there, so I abandoned the goals and started pursuing her. Anger, I assume is what Eckart Tolle calls "the pain-body". We can either observe it and not identify with it, but it is there for a reason. Eckhart Tolle's method of getting rid of anger is quite ineffective. Attributes of anger: When you become angry, you are anger. Anger don't listen, anger has a very egocentric vibe. Anger is very violent and destructive, anger LOVES to destroy. Anger is very energetic, anger is hurt, anger wants love. Anger saddens the heart when it sees how much destruction is made. Not expressing anger will make you fearful and depressed, as you build up your egoic patterns upon anger, you will start fearing to express your anger, and what anger hates the most is forgiveness. Forgiveness is love, understanding, becoming. For me, anger is such a hindrance, it hinders loving creativity, it creates monstrosities instead. It takes away enthusiasm, and really really slows down the works. My father is a musician, but he never got to release his amazing music because of anger, his unwillingness to forgive those who hurt him, and indeed, hurt him a lot. And so he is an alcoholic, mainly because of his fear and inability to love, thus forgive. Fear of love, its just anger. We are hurt and angry, we constantly hurt ourselves in this fucking hell we call life, and instead of forgiving, being wise and understanding, we react, and become the rage, fearing real love the most. If you want real love, you will have to forgive!! If just my dad forgave all those who hurt him, when they did hurt him, he would've saved 50 years of his time that he instead wasted being angry and destructive. We love anger. We fucking love expressing anger. It comes to the point where we can not distinguish between love and anger on the feeling level. And anger is subtle, we carry it around constantly, and we love expressing anger, but that makes us destructive. It equips us with such an energetic force, but also the attributes that anger has, and most tragically, it makes us afraid of love. I have built so many patterns on suppressing anger. Mainly social habits, perfectionism, addictions, fears, habits, ways of carrying myself, I mean, it goes deep. It feels like my ego has been built upon the suppressed anger that I have never expressed, and if I suppress anger, specifically anger, I have became DIRECTLY: sad, fearful, shameful, having low self-esteem, very selfish, and INDIRECTLY: Anxious, unproductive, unattractive, etc. What is the root of our problems is suppressed anger. We cannot suppress anxiety, fear, depression, shame, etc, but what we can suppress is anger. We do this by not forgiving, and not expressing our anger. Expressing anger and forgiving is very closely ties into each other, consider this: When you express your anger to another person, when you are honest about how the other person has caused you to be angry, that invites the other person to either express his anger onto you or to make you understand what was actually going on. After anger, we express what actually happened from our perspective, and we do this naturally from our heart, to make the other person forgive us!!! And so expressing anger means forgiveness, and we can only be angry at other people who hurt us, or things who hurt us. But eventually, we become angry at ourselves for hurting ourselves out of the anger we learned to suppress from others who hurt us. Forgive your parents. They were probably very angry. When it comes to dating and relationships, your anger as a man or woman is the no1 cause of your problems in the relationships. Because anger won't listen to the other person, etc. And as we have probably gotten our anger from the parents who hurt us, we will try to solve these problems in the relationship, because now love is there! And sorta the ego molds the other person into one of your parents, or both -and you become attracted to friends and partners who mimic your parent's behavior just so you can try to solve the problems with love-, and if I see my yoga teacher girlfriend as my dad, ill become the anger and resentment I have towards my dad, fused in with the love, and so I become in love with expressing my anger, and sometimes this -not in my case- could go to lengths where the guy would beat her up, because his suppressed anger felt like it. And girls get turned off by your suppressed anger, and whatever that means for you, because it means your inability to listen, care, love, be confident, happy, creative, etc. Are you a perfectionist? Perfectionism is rage at its finest!! (suppressed rage: passive-aggressiveness) Take a psychedelic. You become very childish, right? A child has no anger. And a psychedelic opens you up to love and forgiveness, and that is such a useful tool. If you would have no anger, you would be just like a child. Fearless in self-expression, but maybe much wiser as you're now grown up. In conclusion: Suppressing anger will make you sad, depressed, shameful, uptight, unattractive, uncreative, bitter, passive-aggressive, and unproductive. If you want to become less angry, forgiveness is key. Forgiving by understanding the person who hurt you so much that you ultimately become him, or as Leo said in his forgiveness video, recognize that person as yourself, and as universal love, and then there is nothing to forgive. An enlightened person recognizes this, but you can too!! Just forgive, be like Jesus :D. The end result is the melting away of your suppressed anger and whatever that makes you: Shameful, sad, unattractive, and replacing all of that with childish being of innocent love and creativity. And that is all you want. To forgive. To love. To understand. Your girl will love this, all girls will flock around you. Because now you don't have a need to get love based on anger, now you have filled that hole with love and understanding, being a well of love for the girl, handsome AF, a wise childish spirit of love. For me, it feels like these 3 years had lead up to me recognizing the power of forgiveness, and this really feels like the knee of the curve. It's all getting better from here. Book to read: Radical Honesty, by Brad Blanton. (Psychotherapy expert made a book on releasing anger to become more child-like, by using radical levels of honesty) Leo Video: How To Forgive Anyone Who Hurt You - A Powerful Trauma Release Exercise
  11. @Roy @Username @Preety_India @IAmTheHolySpirit I just want to thank you guys for presenting your perspectives on this. After I read the last two posts there was so much pain within me, what Preety wrote was such a bitter pill to swallow, but it was true, and I cried for an hour, and HolySpirit just added to that. I came to the conclusion that my biggest hole in life is that I'm not filling myself with the passion, consciousness, and love that is within my arms-reach. I'm using the relationship as a distraction, and as I get dependent on her filling my cup, anything she does that threatens withdrawal of her love is met by negative emotions on my side, and so to defend my fear of filling myself with the love I can give myself, it all comes out on her. So, if my cup is filled with her love, I cannot fill it with my own, I will find every way to distract myself with her love. This was a co-dependent relationship as her cup got filled by my love as well, that's why it went on for so long. I had thought that I can use the relationship as a way to find this out by myself, and yes, it came to that. In the name of self-love, we broke up through a phone call... its funny, because self-love was our commitment from the very beginning. It's so hard, but I bet its rewarding: It's quite beautiful, as I feel more in control of how I give my love. Now I'm the one setting some boundaries for myself. I don't know, but I feel like sometime in the future, I will meet her again with more love than ever before. Maybe this is what it means to grow with each other for real.
  12. Hello guys, I need your help with a relationship. I'm confused. This is a long post but I'm writing this so you might read this and be able to give me some good advice. Short about me: I am 17 years old, been on this path for 3 years full time, taking a break from school. Meditation every day, getting rid of addictions, working on life purpose & self-love. I'm currently studying at home in high school in Sweden. How the relationship started: It all started about 6 months ago, I met this girl and we had a special connection She is 30 years old, I'm 17... We had met once before and we clicked, and now we met once again 6 months ago at a stage green hippie indoor event. Before I met her, I had been in a needy place, looking for girls as a way to distract myself, realizing my mistakes and trying to get onto the path again. But after this event, she invited me to her place which is about 100km's away from my home, she lives alone in this house and we clicked enough to have sex, and after that, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I was new to this, so I didn't place any boundaries on myself, but after we had sex the first time, as I laid there in bed with her, I kind of got sad and depressed, I don't know why. She is a yoga teacher, she has tripped on LSD a lot of times (mostly on festivals) she claims to have has several ego-death experiences, she has traveled the world, meditated for 7 years, done a lot of yoga, and now she has this wonderful yoga studio. She is full of love, she is quite happy, but not enlightened. Some traumas, being anorexic in her childhood, her father died when she was 11~ (suicide) and she didn't have a good relationship with her mom. She moved out when she was 16, independent from that point, to travel the world. Problems (Prelude): Basically, I thought about her all the time and I forgot about myself. I couldn't place boundaries on what I really wanted to do, and I used the relationship as a distraction and I enjoyed it. All moments with her was amazing, we clicked amazingly, it felt like we were going somewhere, ever deeper into our true selves, our emotions, etc. I really liked being able to get to know her more, being honest with her about my emotions, etc. But problems started arising as soon as I expressed my raw emotions to her, and that expressing those hurt her. Sometimes when I try to express my emotions, when I go into this process of just getting insights about my emotions, telling those insights to her without thinking, something with that really triggers her. It feels like I can't express my emotions to her! Like, being radically honest about my emotions in that very moment - wherever they come from, be it my traumas or something, it feels like she can't fully accept that from me, because it insults her, sometimes when I feel this bad emotion I just want to talk it out and I cant listen to her (its as if I have an unresolved trauma which I gotta get out of myself). She had many things she perceived in me that she glossed over, that was the thing that made her stay, maybe also the great sex. ------- Problems (Main): So, after like 2 months, she just wanted to push me away. We took a break for a couple of weeks, she had a dream about me, I wrote to her about how much I loved her, and so we got together again. 2 more months, I wrote an email to her that was based on stuff I fabricated out of my mind about who she is and why she does some things she does. She didnt like that. We had some phone calls where she really reflected upon me where all of this came from, and I just saw how much I have used her as a distraction. We took a break, more like a breakup, to love ourselves. These were a couple of really productive months for me and I feel more independent from that, I wrote many more things to her, but she was in her mindset that she is not gonna be with me. Then she took some LSD in the woods, and calls me a couple of days before the day we would meet - where I would get my stuff back and it would be over -, That she admits that there has been a lot of things within her that she didnt want to deal with that caused her to look away from me. I went to her place that weekend, and it was extraordinary. No sex. Now, we had a phone call where she hinted that she cant really invalidate all the strong feelings she have had about us not being together, that it is nice but that she cant give me any promises "so that we might get hurt". We talked on, and from being happy and having a nice day, I was overwhelmed with this same feeling of dread and sadness, as if I had some unresolved trauma just knocking at my insides, I dont know where this came from, but as soon as I tried being honest about my emotions, just being in the process or expressing everything that came by, I said something that insulted her, she got frustrated, it feels like this triggered the same stuff about how we dont click, as if her whole mindset about the relationship hinged on that very insult. What I feel (now after having talked to my mother): I do have my flaws, I probably have some emotions I have not dealt with, but it feels like she cant respect this. As if she wants to have only my good sides, and not myh bad sides. It feels like she has some ideal in her head about how a right man for her should be, she has mentioned how she just wants one who looks up to her. When my pain body comes along, it feels like it triggers her pain body which I assume is the source of her "Ideals", and as soon as try to go deeper into emotions and radical honesty, it doenst go well. I Have not given up on her because I can see how sweet it is on the other side if we just work sorting through our traumas and getting to know eachother much more. But it feels like the pattern will keep repeating itself, the triggers come back, I mean, who would wanna look at their traumas? It feels like she sweeps them under the rug. I also do this to a certain extent. But this is my first relationship, I just want to know more, learn more, go deeper, take those hits, learn the lessons, work on myself. But I cant be with her if I cannot express myself unconditionally and not be respected for that. My mother, she told me that it seems like she doesn't want to commit but because im 17 and I wanna go deep and all, she is too afraid to say no. Who am I to say no when this is my first relationship when I can see how sweet it can become? Who am I to say no when I have learned so much, when I have so much love to give? Read this: I just want to grow with her, be radically honest with her, getting to know her, celebrating life, and passion with her. But this rocky path we have in our relationship right now takes some introspection from both sides. I have this pain body, she has this pain body. I don't know if she is willing to go through this. We can live together if we are willing to make it work, but it takes some work. Please wake me up with something! I have no reference experience, I feel like I don't know anything other than my emotions. Help me. It feels like there is an elephant in the room which I'm not seeing.
  13. @Preety_India Thank you so much for your reply. Its so helpful! Here is some more: You're right. It's obvious that she doesn't want to commit. She was the one wanting to make a breakup and she had a lot of strong emotions for why it should be that way; Right now, im in my pain body, im not normally this way, but this is what Ill write from this perspective about how I think about the relationship and how its probably hurting her, i'd like some more of your honesty: I have this habit of telling her my negative emotions, such a jealousy, why im jealous, why im angry, why I feel guilt. She has called me selfish because I am quite selfish. Honestly, I really care about how good I can feel in the relationship, and im not too interested in trying to figure out what makes her feel good such as asking her what she needs, how she feels. Its as if im using her as a therapist for my own benefit, for my own emotional well being, throwing all of my shit out and she gets nothing, im wasting her time on something I should deal with on my own (this is when I talk to her by the phone, but a little bit when we are together) When we are together, im all in on trying to get to know her, loving her through the love languages and such. Its such a joy making her feel good! But a part of me is jealous of her, that she is so smart, strong, loving, happy, while here I am feeling like im forgetting about myself. I have hurt her by thinking of her in a certain way based on me trying to defend my jealousy, I wrote emails of "tips on how she could improve her yoga studio" based on assumptions that she didn't know what she was doing. And as I used her as a way to distract myself, as a way to stay afraid, I had to see her as being inferior to me, because she is living her passion, and here I am prioritizing sex over my life. Today I feel really like this, like I dont want to do anything for myself, maybe a backlash. Im not always like this, nowadays once a week, but she has seen too much of me being like this. And this part of me will hurt her like this until its last breath, so I can admit that I have been working on myself like this with the intention of keeping her. If I leave her, I feel like this part of myself wont survive, so I cling on in a wicked way. Im hurt by her as she could just drop me like a hot coal. This hurt me very much. We took that break and she just repelled me like a hot rock. I don't feel like she loves me, but maybe I am that piece of hot coal. I mean, she have told me that "when I find the right one, i'd be surprised of how good it can get", she has clearly even told me what you say, that she is afraid to commit and doesn't want to hurt me, but that I'm so nice. She has clearly told me that we will keep hurting each other in the long run, and I know I will keep hurting her if I keep using her as a distraction. But you know, she is really good. I dont want to leave her because who am I gonna leave her for? ... <- Wow, holy shit. Im a devil. I think she has a big problem with me being this selfish. But I also know that with another, we would have to start this process all over again. And I know that in the very very end, all of this melts away, but for what? What does she get? What does she get? Good sex? I dont even know what she clearly wants, im ashamed. I feel deep down inside that love will prevail, but I have so much ego to work through, you tell me. And so I commit to this so that I can learn how to love more and be less selfish, but this in of itself is the selfishness. To actually love in this case would be to let her go, because im hurting her so much. She has told me that she has gone through all of this, that she doesn't suffer anymore but is living a happy & passionate life, she is seeking someone who does this with her. And a big part of me resists that, and this part of me repells her. Because she doesnt want me to pull her down like how I described I do. I feel confused, lost, uncertain, right now, I dont love myself. Maybe the elephant in the room is that love is not achieved through the relationship, because I fear self-love, and I turn to her to get it the easy way. Maybe this is why im so depressed. But this is why I want to do the therapy stuff, to make it more "selfless", but that just sounds wrong... Im using her because im afraid of loving myself for real, as staying in this relationship feels of no value to me other than learning to love someone else unconditionally, but even that feels like a distraction. I think she loves herself too much to keep being with me while I dont love myself and spew that onto her. I would want to figure out a way we can keep going somehow where its actually about self-love. Give me your best advice Preety <3
  14. @Roy Thank you for that. Interesting about how she is attracted to younger folks because she maybe hasn't grown up, I don't know. On the surface, it seems like she is really mature, but I'm starting to feel like its a facade that she is trying to keep solid. The emotions I try to express with her is more like the stuff I would like to express to a therapist, just like @Username says, I'm sometimes this depressive and sad kind of person. These spells come out of nowhere nowadays, without any reason, as if some creature within me is not dealt with: My insults: When I am in this state, I'm very insensitive, I just want to get everything out of me. It became as bad as this: We laid in bed, just had sex, I was thinking about porn images to get turned on as my erection was a little bit weak. I expressed it to her without thinking too much about how it sounded: "If you would be a 10/10, I would probably have had a better erection than I have now". She started crying, she perceived my words as if her body was the problem. She wanted me to be honest about what specific things I wanted to change with her body, and so I said the thoughts that came up, I pointed at her chin, at her belly. But as I laid there, trying to figure out where my words came from, she helped me realize that they come from my lack of love from myself, and so I started crying for half an hour, just pouring out of me how I manipulated her, how I put a mask on myself, why I did this, that I was afraid to be myself, afraid of losing her, etc. But being honest like this didn't seem to help. She couldn't sleep days after that and didn't want to be with me. I'm quite aware of where all of this came from, lack of self-love from both sides, triggering her traumas maybe. Because I have not experienced being insulted like this myself, is this alone a relationship killer? Is this beyond repair? I have done a visualization of this, imagining me being her in that scenario, and of course, I would get hurt. Right now, all of this is gone, I perceive her body as perfect in its own way. The latest insult I told her was when we were talking on the phone and I was in this mode of trying to figure out where this sadness came from, that I didn't really listen to her, and I said: Compared to insights I get and thoughts about my emotion I find that what you said was a bit uninteresting. I was being honest. It really triggered her, now the phone call was not worth her time, she doesn't want to be my therapist, why should she listen to my insults when I don't even listen to her, etc. --- My honest conclusion: I feel like it won't work unless we get to the root of where our issues come from. Solve our traumas. And this is my intention with her, and I don't think this is her intention with me. I mean, she has her business to take care of, her structures can't take all of these hits. I know that it looks very sweet if our shit is handled and the triggers begone, we are quite similar in a sense. Every time I meet her, love & self-introspection is the theme, but It won't work out in the long run without any change, I just hope she is willing to do this with me. We won't really put a ring on our fingers and say a prayer and be together forever, what determines our separation is how emotionally difficult it becomes, but I know that all the value is there! All the gold is there. It feels like she is too rigid and doesn't want to open herself up to this, and this maintains all the suffering. We both will have to be each other's therapists for a while, and I don't know if she wants that, because it's hard, but this is my commitment: I won't let fear of love be the thing that makes me run away, it's untenable for me to project onto her that she is the problem and then push her away. So I will stay and see what she thinks, we both going along this path interdependently, as its enough for this chapter of the book. I'm super excited to solve the shit within me, what if I solve this sadness. Ultimatum: I feel like I want to stay, do my best, but keep my boundaries on my honesty, willing to know myself. But if she can't tolerate this, ill let her tap out. My commitment is love over fear, that's why I'm staying with her. But there is a nagging feeling that my honesty with my emotions is hurting her a lot. I think it's smart if I get to work with solving my traumas immediately to stop the hurt and all. --- You guys with experience, please tell me what I'm not seeing. How would a good relationship look like? I would like to hear the things that I don't want to hear. But I admit that I'm lazy, I'm not going out and searching for the solutions effectively myself.
  15. @Artaemis I think ambient music is made to celebrate the emotional beauty of the now, its somehow made to combine with the state of calm behind everything. I also Love ambient! Any recommendations?
  16. I want to start a discussion on this, I know there are some musicians on here who could share their perspective on this, but I would like to hear any thoughts from anyone! ? I am a musician and I got some few interesting points we can ponder over: What about the ASMR effect? Can we make music that can trigger our energies like this, but for consciousness? What about the trance state? When we merge with the music, most popular with Psytrance & Psychedelics What about binarual beats? What about 3D soundscape? What about the chakras? Can we somehow integrate all of these factors into music? I would love to hear your thoughts! I got an interesting model: simply, the chakras. And that we can, through indentifying how music connects to the chakras, know how we can raise consciousness with music, or know what song will become a hit or not (if we translate music into chakras and then into spiral dynamics) but ill post more on that later! ❤️
  17. Great post! Thank you. Im sitting around here having postponed my 5-meo breakthrough for like a year now. But can justify to myself that I have laid some more groundwork, worked through some stuff, but I can use that as an excuse to say "So why not wait for the right moment?" "Lets wait some more". Shit... SHIT! I know I'm ready to surrender. This... will kill me
  18. I think this is my life purpose. Man, ive been sitting with the life purpose course, but the level of passion I feel right now really points to something :DDD, if I'm gonna work my whole life on something, it will be to induce enlightenment experiences through music just as psychedelics does. Somehow!! It can be so great!! Ill do this even if I were the last man on earth!!! Most certainly when I have 100 million dollars, Ill pour everything I've got into this and die in love along the way.
  19. The most spiritual music set & setting I can imagine with today's music is tripping on a darkpsy festival. Darkpsy is really bad at the moment, its can be 1000x better. This is the absolute best darkpsy song I have found so far: https://open.spotify.com/album/6hff31dWavvOgd2ZwRbDWj?highlight=spotify:track:7vHUHOJI95Cbe5e2zNgyKz (Live to love). This song has a lot of first chakra, but not much second chakra (rythm is too consistent), a lot of third chakra (in the vibrations), but vague third chakra in all the other stuff besides the main vibrations) this one, apart from other darkpsy has a more of heart chakra (like 2/10) , and just a little bit of 5th chakra, in the meaning, but it can be so much better. But because of the beat and all the effects, if you really listen to it, to ravishes your ANJA, I mean, it goes deep. Because you can find soo many interconnections. This opens up your Anja and kills your thoughts, thus all the thoughts that comes up. Maybe your ego resist, or maybe the music is not resonating with the other chakras, or something. So imagine yourself in a festival setting: Your bottom five chakras are opened more because you are around people you love, you're not hungry, you are dancing. Now, imagine that you take LSD, and imagine this music blasting all around you. Now, that will trance you up. Because you will see a lot of combos, everything melts together. And in that space, your ego disappears. It could certainly be tied into how open your chakras are at that point. The next level for music is the tucker zone. Man, just imagine!!! WE can create an entire psychedelic experience by stimulating the senses, the imagination, feelings, the chakras, by just having one sit down with a pair of fucking headphones. We can raise peoples consciousness! ARRHGHGHGH!! The passion. Ps: I think that our imagination comes from Anja, right? We apply an interconnection to reality to enhance beauty. Pps: About piano being a holy instrument, think about it. By pressing a single note, we trigger all of the 5 bottom chakras!!! (note, rhythm, poise, energy, expression) And by then pressing more notes, we trigger Anja, and with enough interconnections to how that connects to your perception of reality, man, you will cry and your ego will die. Guys there are so many components, how does chakras tie into spiral dynamics, etc. But Ill trust the purple cow. If people could take their headphones and listen to such music that gives a spiritual experience, I swear to god that they will do it.
  20. Okay guys, thank you for the replies. Im SUPER PASSIONATE about this just so you guys know!! @FlowerNote In my insight, music is just how we perceive it to be. In truth, music is a form of perception. The musical idea you talk about is a perception in your mind! But its quite touch to pinpoint what this perception is made out of that it could be quite hard to express it accurately on the first try. There are a story about how chopin heard a melody in his head, as if it was a piano playing (the musical idea) and he was probably skilled enough to just play it out very accurately on the piano, but his memory faltered, and so he sat in his room trying over and over again to express the initial idea without success, and this could be regarded as tragic. I think its so nice to understand the components of music so that we can know how we can express this idea. And my bias here is mainly for the listener, of course, composing music can raise your consciousness, but im much more interested in how we can raise the consciousness of the listener. ------ So here we go, the chakras model. First, Id like to disclaim that I have not studied the chakras enough to know everything about them, although I have practiced Kriya yoga for a year and a half so I got some intuitions on this. And I know a guy who is really in tune with his chakras to even connect them to the spral dynamics model.In music, all components of a song can be explained with the 7 chakras. This is as nuanced as trying to explain human behavior through spiral dynamics to ill keep it simple: First chakra within music: This is the life force of the music, what makes music survive? In this case its the energy, its the vibrations themselves, the electricity, the sounds, the loudness. You know when you're sleepy? You cant put on a song with really open muladhara chakra because it doesnt resonate with your (slightly closed) first chakra at the moment, so you change to a calm song as if by instinct, well that instinct comes from your first chakra. Second chakra within music: This is the sexual energy! And what is that? Its the rhythm, its the movement. So, in music, this is the beat, the rhythm, the variation of rhythm. The second chakra is all about rhythm in music, and music like funk (with super open svadhisthana) is felt there! Its felt in that area like a resonance, an urge to dance. Second chakra is all about rhythm, and music with closed second chakra is music you don't really dance to. Third chakra within music: This one is hard to pinpoint, but its the why of music, of every note, of every sound. Why this sound and not some other sound? This certainty is felt in manipura. I press this tone because manipura, and I'm so certain of this tone that its felt in manipura. Its the poise, the why, the choose. This embraces: All the instruments, all the sounds. The purpose, the why. You know, some music is felt in the manipura because we know that it cant be expressed in any other way! Like as if the composer says: This tone, and no other tone, period. Fourth chakra: This is the heart chakra, and we all know this one! This is the love of emotional expression! We express our hearts! All those heartbreak songs, all those chords that we hear sometimes that just makes our hearts flutter, all of that, that's anahata. Its the melody! Its the note. The nuance, Its the chords, its all of that. The more closed this one is, the less heart we get into a song, the more death metal it is xD. Fifth chakra: Vishudda! So, here its all about meaning. How do we express meaning? We do this by lyrics, or just by singing, its a message. The attempt to convey a message through music always comes from Vishudda, and that message is always felt by vishudda. And stage orange people these days are so opened in their fifth chakra (but closed in many else) that we must go the way of lyrics. This one is dangerous because we can express our ego. We can use a song to perpetuate Maya based on the meaning. Some people try to only focus on vishudda when trying to "raise consciousness through music" but they can only get so far as Leo can get you through his voice. Vishudda is the voice of the music, it can be implemented into a wordless melody, but its mostly implemented through lyrics. Sixth chakra: the third eye: Oh boy, this one is different. You know when you take psychedelics and listen to music? The music is the same, but the way you perceive it is different. Anja (sixth chakra) is all about the perception of music, but it can be implemented into music as well. Anja is how all of the musical components that are explained below interconnect with each other!!! Below, in the first 5 chakras, you have all the components of music, take one component of music (the flick of a string on the guitar) r and we can assign it to chakra no 2, 3, 4 or 5 (+ chakra number 1). But charka 6 is all about how all of those components interconnect. Like when you take a psychedelic and all of a sudden, the music interconnects with your experience like 1000x more than it did before, and this is because of Anja. Now, we can make it so that we can interconnect chakra 2,3,4 & 5 so well, that it sounds just as good as if you were tripping, listening to music, right!!! Because that is possible! Because music is just sounds after all, and how we perceive it is actually totally dependent on how the music sounds in your experience! and so its possible to make music which sound so fucking good, just as if you were tripping. Of course, you must also include the visuals, the feelings and the imagination, of course you can explain everything you see by the chakras as well somehow, so in the psychedelic experience, the chakras are also affected by what you feel, see and hear interconnected. All I'm saying is that the interconnection of all of this is how we see the beauty (Third eye). And so what is Sahasrara, well, guess. Its the absence of thoughts!!! Ego dies. You kill off the thoughts so much that it is as if you're merging with the music. And this is possible, because we can stimulate the psychedelic experience by radically opening Anja but having the first 5 chakras very open, then interconnecting all of that so that anja may be opened, and when every chakra at the bottom is opened, then guess what!!? The 7th chakra opens!!! Absence of thoughts. Trance. So, today's music is limited. How? In the audioscape. Its just stereo. A real audioscape has infinite more potential for combining tones. You know how you can hear if something is approx. 2 meters away and behind you on your right side? Or you can hear how things are in front if you? This is because of your ears! And this creates a field!! In this field, you will trigger the ASMR effect. This is the field I'm talking about: In the Tucker zone, we can really make music so psychedelic and so ASMR'ic that is opens up our anja like music on acid. And this opens up our sasharara. Do you get what I am seeing? Think of a song which has all the open chakras, infinitely dancing in the tucker zone, to make your imagination go crazy, to make your energy go crazy, it will include binarual beats, whatever, and will be JUST LIKE a psychedelic experience. This is why we cant express the psychedelic experience through music, because we don't have the tucker zone.
  21. I really like this, I have never thought this way before, thank you @Serotoninluv Now guys, what about actually fulfilling your needs in another way than porn? Your cravings for PMO can actually be made out of your needs for something, needs for physical touch, for the feminine essence, etc. Maybe it is that you have a part of yourself that you cannot apply self-love to, and the only way this part of you can get that love and relief is to overwhelm you with cravings. A human doesnt actually need to watch porn, so why do you watch it? Contemplate on this from your subjective experience, dont sit and think about "dopamine", or "your brain or porn" here. The need to watch porn has all to do with how you fulfill your needs. I have found that thinking about porn is what causes the suffering from it. You dont suffer if you smoke a cigarette once in a while and then never think about it again, but you do suffer if you smoke a cigarette after having been an addict, its the same act but a different way of thinking, its the same with porn.
  22. I have found that for me to be able to stay consistent with the gratitude journaling I will have to develop a secure daily habit first. Right now, the friction of having my gratitude journal on this forum outweighs the benefits. There is friction in having the same style of journal on two different places, there is friction in how I chose my words, in having to open the forum rather than just my commonplace book... I feel like I need to solidify the habit and mainly do my gratitude journaling in my commonplace book because I feel like its important for me to reduce all possible friction in the name of the survival of this habit. I might post something here once in a while as I know its a cool read for some of you Or maybe not... maybe this is the end of this journal, who knows? This post is just as spontanious of a heart-felt desicion as the start of this journal With love & gratitude, No hard feelings
  23. Hi there! The purpose of this journal is to spread positive vibes to all readers and also motivate me to keep consistent with journaling about gratefulness. I will focus on writing bullet lists of what has happened during the day that I feel grateful for while keeping full transparency and not filtering my words trough knowing that people are reading this journal. Gratitude journaling has many benefits, mainly that you will become much more satisfied with what you've already got, which makes you enjoy reality more, rather than trying to escape due to dissatisfaction. And the more grateful you become, the more things you will feel grateful for!! So let's get started!
  24. 2019-12-25 Thank you Eleonor for your beautiful voice Thank you for your beautiful drawing Thank you for the wonderful thoughts I get for you Thank you mom for the nice watch Thank you Serena for your smiles Thank you for the food Thank you for the comedy Thank you for the consciousness Thank you for the tears Thank you for the love Thank you for the satisfaction Thank you for the energy Thank you for the lessons Thank you for the growth Im grateful for my willingness to fulfill my needs Thank you mom for taking charge Thank you Serena for the work Thank you for the vulnerability Thank you for the future Thank you for the gratefulness Thank you for the feminine Thank you for the wisdom Thank you for the balance Thank you for the suffering Thank you for life Thank you Älva for your voice Thank you Åke for your prayers Thank you for the music Thank you for this day Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for the honesty
  25. 2019-12-23 Thank you Bill W for your kind words Im so grateful for feeling on track with life, knowing exactly what to do next, and knowing where that will lead me Im so grateful for the wonderful intimate relationship I have with Eleonor Im so grateful for the conversation I had with Eleonor yesterday while I was doing my cleaning job, we talked about our future, our emotions, what we love with each other, how grateful we are for each other Im grateful for being so good in bed! Im grateful for having experienced Eleonor crying as we cuddled in bed listening to a love song Im so grateful to feel how it is like to feel inspired after amazing sex! Im grateful for being so comfortable with expressing my feminine side Im grateful to slowly realize how my childhood has always aligned with my strengths and values Im grateful for the run I did to the sea around Eleonors place Im grateful for the music! Im grateful to realize that music is what im so passionate about! Im grateful to have done and come up with such insightful answers to the Lp exercises Im so thankful for the wonderful food! Thank you lord for this wonderful life, and this wonderful woman Im so grateful to have such a nice relationship with my family Im grateful for the call I had this friday with SYV about how serious school is Im grateful for having brought the piano to Eleonors place Im grateful for the insights Eleonor gave me about music, love and consciousness Thank you for my room! Thank you for the food! Thank you for the water! Thank you for the freedom! Im soo grateful to myself about my willingness to actualize my potential! Im grateful to discover my willingness to keep my ego in check Im pretty grateful for having experienced a simultaneous orgasm with Eleonor while not wearing a condom! Im grateful for discovering more about what makes Eleonor feel good Im so grateful the insight that the only thing that matters is how I feel with Eleonor in the now. That I take decisions concerning us, based on how I feel my purpose, and to leave the rest to being fully me and in the now in her presence. Im grateful for the sweet moments I had with Eleonors cat Dennis Im grateful to be writing this Thank you for the piano Thank you for my home Im grateful for having slept on the bus Im grateful for the energy I felt this Sunday morning because of having passionate sex with Eleonor Oh, thank you for the Love, im so grateful for felling in love with Eleonor Im grateful for all the things she teaches me Im so grateful for the inspiration she gives me! Lets go! Im grateful for the picture she gave me, for the blowjobs she gave me, for all her moaning Im grateful for my ability to relate to how she feels and what her body wants! Im grateful for my penis is big enough to penetrate Eleonor deeply Im so grateful for being able to be totally comfortable with expressing myself to Eleonor Thank you Eleonor for the Tea! Thank you mom for the cake! Im so grateful for my sister being able to take the initiative, helping mom clean her room Holy shit im grateful to experience this relationship with Eleonor while being so young! Im grateful for the future! Im grateful to feel like the future is my safe-space Im grateful for having analyzed what I naturally do during the days where I don't have a schedule Im grateful for not having eaten for 16 hours after this big unhealthy delicious meal I ate yesterday Im just so grateful to be alive in this moment, to have cultivated all of this with trust for something good. And now im here! Im grateful for having woke up late Im grateful to be writing this right now Thank you for all the knowledge Thank you dad for being so nice and loving Thank you Leo for being such a huge part of my life & knowledge Thank you for the love, the tears, the insights, the wonderful experiences, the confidence, the relating, the sweet words, the motivation, the inspiration, the dreams, the future, life, creativity, intelligence, gratitude, consciousness. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!