Igor82

@lmfao Your name suits your reply +1

I have struggeled with video games for a while aswell. The causes for addicting myself with Dota2 is that I lacked being social and knowing other people, and I guess I wanted to become good at something. There is a fine line between being addicted to something and having that activity play a certain role in your life. For me, it was fulfilling social needs, ”having fun” = ”being social” I was still addicted, but the thing that made me crave the video games even when I didnt play for 90 days was that I didnt fulfill my deficency need of being social, as good as the video games did for me. Now I go with my bike to the nearby part at evenings, and sit to talk with random people... But I have to do this regularly, or elise the craving can overpower me in my weakest state. Another thing is that awareness is curative! If you have found the perfect thing that would healthily replace your addiction, but you still crave the video games, then you still are addicted, physically. I used to limit myself to a couple of hours on the evenings, but after a certain ammount of awareness, I could see how it affected me during my day, the spike of cravings that I got the day after, the more ”addicted” I felt in my present experience (fidgeting, lack of focus). I got aware of the process, and could connect dots to why the video games was not worth it in my present experience. Now everytime I get a craving, this sole reason overpowers the craving, im more aware in a sense. Its really hard to find a balance, so Try to replace the underlying role of the video games with something better Be aware of how the addiction is affecting your life, using direct awareness of the process of playing games

13:15 Almost end of preperation I prepaired a good set and setting, I prepaired my bed, some pillows, my blanket, I checked all the rooms, checked the door, prepaired some food, cleaned the room, prepaired some music on the laptop just in case. Good set and setting now, and ofcourse, I prepaired the 225ug, a big tab, with a thicker half minus a part of the thicker half. Around the wanted product. Im gonna meditate now to get rid of my anxiety, then im gonna take the substance. Contemplate: What am I? 13:37 Starting to meditate, I will take the substance 14:00 13:48 Took and swallowed the tabs of al lad that I prepaired for myself, immediate sublte anxiety. Im gonna sit now, and sit for the whole trip. Im committing to observe it and surrender, not forcing it or trying to controll it, just fully surrendering into it. 14:01 Just took a crap after proceeding to dance. Now I feel really good and ready for this! Now im gonna meditate, im compltly ready! 14:13 Still meditating, feel nothing yet... 14:18 Microdose effects (feeling more playful) 14:28 My teeth are wierd 14:35 No visuals yet, but I feel some wierd stuff going on. I got myself on the couch to meditate in that position, more comfortable 14:50 Pattern recognition I have headphones on (hörskelskydd) and I begin to contemplate. My thoughts are wierd for the moment 15:05 Nothing too big yet, although my thoughts are getting more unnormal, like you would show me the thoughts of I dont know, the substance itself? Wierd stuff is happening though, not gonna lie. 15:14 Im lying in this comfortable position on my couch (the the purpule pillow folded behind my neck) enjoying being the obeserver reality and this substance. I have learned to drop my obligations. Obligations are only things you force yourself to do! But you do not have to do anything, really. The lp course, or reading is just things I do hoping for hapiness, but im so unconcoius of the bigger picture in that case! I can now learn to let go of my obigations, of my tasks and stuff, just being able to surrender into the psychedelic experience no matter what. 15:22 Just played around with that kawaii fläkt for a while, started beating with it, until I questioned "what is waking that sound" It was beating, but I dont know. Im seing black dots on the floor, im recognizing patterns 15:26 Now is where thing will get serious. Im now gonna sit in meditation pose and really absorb the peak, not just the little comeup.15:34 15:34 Now Im gonna contemplate using a journal: This thing will be left and resumed during the whole trip What am I? I feel likeim the senses, the body My arm is part of my body, am I the arm too? Yeah, the arm is one of my parts!! What if I cut it away, will I still exists? I mean, If I ceise to exist, I will die Im not my arm, because I will be me without it. Am I the fläkt? No I dont feel like being it Why am I not the fläkt? What makes me, me? I think that I am this body that is seperate from reality, that is concstucted by limbs and can talk think etc. I am this body. But, I have only seen stuff, what determines that the feeling of a body really IS the body? And forthermore, what determines that the feeling has any connection with the visual perception of a body? I have models construced up by myself that if I see these two thing outside my visual filed, that it must be my "arms", and it does make sense. What determines that my arms are seperate from anything elise that I see? They could look the same, but not be the same, right, so what determines? Well the feeling! I can clearly sense that my arm is there? But what detemines that the feeling of physical touch is the same as the feeling of me being there? 15:46 The world has become really really peculiar. Yes I can see stuff, the world is becoming really diffrent. The "mindload" is like a burden on my brain, just like tiredness is, I think its because im tired, havnt slept enough. I have lost the immediate desire to contemplate with the computer. 16:30 I listened to some music and all, yes it was beautiful, the whole substance is beautiful, but what am I after? Ego death? Some mysical experience? Its not here. My perecpetion of reality is just wierd, but what is the sooo profound obvious truth? Im a little dissapointed because I cant see it, or feel it I couldve gone deeper if I had more of an conceptual understanding, because for now, I have only pictures in my mind of what ego death or infinity would look like, and from here they are quantum leaps apart, I need to die to see that? Yeah, well what is the most efficent way of killing the concept of the ego? Meditation and psychedelics! This is just childsplay. Where is the BLISS? Where is the HAPINESS? Where is the fear and everything, where is it? 16:38 Im gonna try, lets go for 1 hour of SDS, see where thefuck it will take me. I think only BEING calls upon an awakening, it cannot happen trough concepts, because after all, concepts are concepts, they will never be anything greather than that, and no concepts had ever given this sense of ego death, hahaha not concepts at all. Ego death is where all concepts vanish, its where you become..? 17:49 Thisis really profound! I was seing myself in the mirror, and I saw myself with such big eyes and shit 17:50 I cant think for shit! I should just meditate, but I feel like its a waste of time, NO. I should just meditate. 18:23 Things are really getting time disoriented and shit! Why am I doing all this? To find the answer of myself! To find myself! That is why I tool the psychedelic, that is why I do the things I doo really. My life purpose and stuff, that all and well, feelng the progress of that. Do the psychedelic enough times and you will experience ego death! Yeah! That what im after, ego death! Hows does leo know that what I look after will be in a psychedelic or something, how did he know himself? 18:29 Im always striving for something greater than this, and my emotions is the only this that puts a measure on that, pleasure is always greater than pain, right? What if there is no thing greater than this, what if this is the greatest thing? I feel like this is where all the concepts are leading up to! Yes its obvious! Im trying to make myself understand reality so much, that I will trust that enlightenment will come to me. Its a spontaineous happening, thats why no concepts can build up to it! Concepts are pointing at technuiqes right, concepts are limited, and so we must rely on technuiqes to know the true answer to the concepts, but technuiqes only point us to show us that the concepts are false? What is the ultimate concept? And the Ego can only be shown trough rapid realization of it, or trough industrial grade focus of on its excistence. 18:52 If you misuse your body, that will bring you unfulfillment If you use your body in the right way, it can bring upon you very much satisfaction If you trancend your body? ??? How can I do that though! A body has fear of emptyness Because sitting and doing nothing will soon destroy the ego Why will this destroy the ego? Because doing nothing forces the ego to not be itself, and someting not being itself will kill it. So then.. Why do I have a fear of empthyness, and what am I? Ill keep doing my practses, ill implement krya, and maybe, after one year, everything will click, all the concepts would fall to pace, thus fall apart, and the Truth, the real me will be attained. Its a happening, through death, it is a click, like being born and like dying, like an insight. Through a spike of awareness on who I really am, I can know who I am. That awareness will though shine on the ego, and then it will disappear! That is why the ego wants unawareness, and thats why the real me wants truth. The ego is the machiene, the real me, is?? Im the substance of the machine, im the concoiusness in which the machine is dumbing down, and im the machine aswell, and everything, im everything. IM just not concoius of it, and I feel like this psychedelic trip has not made me concoius about it either. If any of this is really gonna be profound, then I will need some 5-MEO, or just a blastoff into the real me, or elise I just cannot fathom (attain) "all that juice". All I hope is for an ego death, right? Yeah. All I hope is for an ego death, but it didnt happen, not this time, even if I meditated. I know, I could have done it better, I know, I couldve gone deeper, You! You! Leo is pointing to you, Allan watts is pointing to you, all the teachings are just fingest poiting at the real YOU! You must do the work yourself, because what more can Leo do than point it out for you? Insanity = not normal = my biggest fear in disguise. To not be me, for the old me to die. The fear of me dying = The fear of being not normal? 19:21 Life, sweet life, thats all youre after! Life! Life! But, if life is not good enough, you try to make it sweeter! What will make it sweeter, yes, and emotion, now youre chasing emotions, but how will you ever savor life that way? The more concoius you become, the more you will savor life for what it is! Thats why when you become so concoius, you stop chasing stuff, because chasing loses its purpose! Its purpose was to make life sweeter, but now you relise that concoiusness will make it sweeter! Previously you thought that chasing things makes life sweeter Now, trough a realization, you find that stopping and seing life for what it actually is, makes it sweetest. Looking, and looking and looking, until something clicks, and then there you are. Alright, this tips has a body load, now on the comedown, I can really feel it. The comedown is like the comeup, and I cant really remember the peak. Yes, it was all patterns and fun stuff, but what really matters now is my concoius level though out the day. Being concoius of reality will lead me where I want, and where I wanted to go with this trip. But how is concepts intertied with me finding the truth! I mean, I can take 5-MEO, and just get to the truth, but can I handle it? Can I integrate it? But how are concepts such an important role for integration?!!?! Well, I dont know. I feel like I need to read alot more about these stuff. The trip always plays the role as making me an observer of my own life, seing things for what they are my life right now, is miserable compared to the perfect picture, but really, its perfect. I mean, I keep at it! MY meditations become longer, I read more, I really start to see through nofap, and im starting to replace some of my deficency needs with more healther ones! Im fulfilling more and more of my needs, and im getting higher and higher! I keep at it, and I will, and I know that if I will, I will experience the truth of me, the sweetest thing, everything! The sweetest thing, the ultimate hapiness! If I keep at it, I know that enlightenment will come. If I work on my values, I know reap all those rewards that I desire. The purpose is to be human, to be you! All this trip has been literally, was be, trying to meditate, then writing down what came to mind, essencally me getting distracted by the psychedelic, to write down conceptual juice on my commonplace book. And the psychedelic was beautiful, but I still dont know how it can be one of Leos top tools for spiritual growth. Maybe he is reffering to a 5-MEO induced ego-death, or any psychedelic induced ego death, but this, this has not gotten me there, and I dont know how. I need to read more, I need to understand more about psychedelics and enlightenment. I need to boid a stong conceptual understanding of how to achieve higher concoiusness, but also i need to know: Why the methods are so efficent Why they will being me to this and that I need to know why, so I can see what im really chasing! I need to look for more fingers pointing to the moon, to make the moon seem more apparent! Yes:D The more my worlview is pointing at enlightenment, the more I will attract it in the now, If I trip, this is also the case. If I trip, and all my concepts just move in the direction of my concoiusness, then "maybe falls into place initiating some sort of awakening", that is why a strong conceptual understanding will be so important. The concepts will never get you to know the truth itself, but more and more concepts will make it more and more apparent THE ACTIONS STEPS that will lead you to the truth. Concepts will show me where to not go, concepts will and can shine light on the FALSE road, because ultimately concepts are the false road. All concepts show me where to go, by showing me where to not go. All I do in life is to get fulfillment, and I can see how concepts play a role in getting me fulfillment through my prupose, in the same way it shows me fulfillment though enlightenment work: Concepts is great at telling me where to go! Thoughts are great tools for that, to navigate! Concepts are the map, enlightenment work is the territory! But hey, its really good if I have a good enough map for me to see all the pitfalls flags, checkpoints, etc? Fuck yeah! One more point: I feel like I could take a higher dose, at least, I would feel like I would be very much able to endure it, if it means by serrendering and letting go all shit and stuff all in the moment, then yeah, I couldve taken a higher dose. But I dont see that as being too convenient, I mean, I have not yet built such an enjoyable role for psychedelics. Either I need a better map for them to really work, or I need stronger psychedelics that will get me to what I want without the need of a map, like 5-MEO. I dont see this as leading me to where I want, not from the standpoint of this experience, yes, trips increase my concousness, but in a way that makes me Not Normal - The ego feels uncertain For me to implement psychedelics, lets say AL-LAD into a "every other" week basis, as a habit, Then I will need to get more juice out of the experience, by purposly chosing to sit through it all in a stone still position. Which is impossible for me to do; I need to give it more time, I need to give it more more knowledge, I need to give it less deficency needs. I need to expand the map, and I need to be more present in the territory aswell... How? Implement contemplation Implement yoga Read more books Make my sits longer Its time, to give it more time. Its time, to take more action. This trips was not as I expected, but It did give me a juicy look an my reality. Thats essentially what any trip is about, a different look on reality, a different perspective. If that perspective gets too diffrent though, it can kill you! Be careful! This perspective, is what we call the AL-LAD perspective, Leo told me it was gonna be super profound... Eh, it was not so profound as I expected. Haha, my image of Truth, is the feeling of formlessness (the feeling between thoughts) with hapiness under it! That is my image of truth! Yes, chase it, formlessness = fulfillment! No, I should take that "image" out of my head, I have made the mistake to mistake a concept for the truth itself. Maybe a better goal is to increase my awareness! Like when I visualize, instead of visualizing that "enlightenment moment", I visualize myself doing the very things that will get me to what I want, not the thing I want. A visualization can never show the real deal, because or elise you would never visualize it in the first place, for reasons of having it as a goal to be reached. If the goal is already reached so to speak. Never visualize your goals themselves, instead visualize how you get to them (and apply the fulfillness on that instead). I Used to visualize a syringe up my ass, maybe I should keep that... 20:25 The only discomfort that I had during this trip, was the discomfort that originated from me not being able to eat properly, and think properly. I mean, I have needs to fulfill, and I dont want the psychedelic to stand in the way of them. If the psychedelic does, maybe im not ready for it. Maybe I need to take care of all my needs first to then not have them stop me in my psychedelic trip. Right now, I was unclear about the very prupose of the psychedelic trip. Conecpts will certainly help me to make me clear on that, and how to prepair myself and my needs for the next one. I would like to have a shorter one. I dont want recreation at all other than the ego death, thanks. I dont want 8 hours of colcour and shapes, unless I have the foundational awareness to make something good out of it. All I do right now Is to sit and to dig in my mind, I sit, contemplate and strategize! Maybe this has been the role of my psychedelic trips so far. This is how it has been played, expected profound methaphysical insights, but instead I got this. If I would be in the position of living my life purpose, of doing what I love the most, that position would be more suitable for self trancendence, as my life purpose is one of my needs. 21:08 This trip was summarized, and I have some action to take (Visualization and reading more books, contemplating the purpose of my lp, and strategizing!) And I can now go back to daily life, with some new insights and better expectations for the next one. My purpose will have the higher end of priorty in future to come, and then it will lean more to the concoiusness side of things, eventually. This report is completely naked, directly unedited and copy-pasted from my commonplace book. This trip happened 2018-08-08 2pm-9:30pm (+2GMT)

Really cool, thanks for replying guys! This one really struck me, man! Thanks. @Maarten I can imagine myself doing that practice, yeah! Claiming the big ideas = Questions, and answers, all else that im really trying to savor or remember, is just filler content, its all the stuff that I can ramble about myself, once I had the insight. I see how books will give me insights, and even if I write them down or not, I will not forget them, in the way that I will not forget the penis mechanism. The filler concent will be remembered as much as the insights themselves, like the last meals I have eaten. But when I look upon the world, I will see it with more clarity and greater wisdom, never forgetting the insights in that sense, because they have hande made me.

I have a very slow reading habit: I read a book, ver slowly, reading a sentence repeatedly to squeeze all the juice from it I underline not just the decisive "insight" quotes in the book, but I underline like every important statement there, like an important context that stands in the book. I write down paragraphs f what I've just read, or else I will guilt myself for not writing it. My fundamental belief is that If I don't underline, write or read really "much ", then I will forget all I've learned from the book. Also, like in my commonplace journal, I write stuff down that I don't want to forget, but this is mainly theory rather than insights: Should I JUST wrote down/underline/write in my commonplace book, the insights, rather than all the theory that I "don't want to forget, but will forget anyway". I mean, insights are like shifts, in reality, I got an insight once when I masturbated, like when you tense the penis up, the role of that is actually to give the man (and woman) more pleasure during sex! This was a shift for me, an insight, and I know I will never forget that every time I do the thing. What do I do? Help

@moon777light Try cold showers They kill the ego efficently They are practical: They replace hot showers The make you feel good They boost recovery of inflammation in muslces They kill ego The only thing between a man turning the handle to cold rather than to hot is his ego being a pussy, being in the way. The cold will never hurt you, just like Strong depermination, it is only your ego that stands in the way I have build up some tolerance to the ego's screems for mercy, and now I can handle emotionally difficult situations quite more nicely, like approacing girls or resisting cravings. HEre is some points: I still fear the cold showers, although its just easier for me to pull the lever at this point I never take hot showers Every time I take them I feel like I have won over my biggest fear, and that I can surrender into anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get naked I prepair water, let it rin on cold for a while I stop the water flowing (primed cold water) I get into the shower, and take the loose hose and put it above me with one hand (holding it) I brace myself, noticing the ego screaming, then I say fuckit Turn on the lever Feel head getting shocked Ego screams for 3 seconds while I surrender into the experience as best as I can (Im using this currently mainly to emotionally handle an ego death when the moment comes) Enjoy the rest, I shiver if I stay too long, with the practise, you can notice when your lips gets blue and shit, if you shiver too much, take shorter shower, or use breating excersizes (Wim Hof Is the greatest idolization of cold exposure) Yhoo, it got all the benefits, and its super practical. I mean, pain endurance in geeral gets you way out of your comfort zone, and gets you to stick in that place aswell, I mean, if I have done some hard excersize, and then I do something wierd infront of all the poeple (that would usually make a really immature person run away), I would just brush it off like nothing happend. This is really practical my duudes, its a nessecity, like brushing teeth. Bottom line: Use disomfort or pain to get you out of your comfort zone to be able to handle difficult situations with more emotional poise, cold showers is a great example. Ps: correct me if im wrong: My ego has been telling me that the cold showers makes me universally emotionally resillient, I mean, If I have so much emotional poise, then maybe this flows into my positive emotions aswell? Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since I bought some self-help books from Leo's book list, I have only read one at once, never two at the same time. Currently, Im reading "The Big Leap", and I have enjoyed that book so far, Im doing the life purpose course, so I find it very fitting in that way. But I have gotten a little into infiled aswell, Im struggling with nofap and addictions for a long time, and I find a strong desire to understand the male and female psychology, so I bought the "5 top" sex & relationships books from the book list, and currently I have fallen bound to the first one, as when reading some praises and the introduction, even the Table of Contents, I know that this book will help me tremendously with the problems im facing now. Im halfway into The Big Leap, but I crave to introduce another book into my reading habit... How will it affect my reading habit? Will I learn as much from each one of the books?

@Nahm But how! How can a rich library of a bunch of concepts trigger a deeper awakening? I can see that knowledge plays the role in changing your behavior, but how does the behavior play in when concepts are transcended? Or is it not about behavior at all?

@Nahm If of preparation for an awakening, what kind of theory is worthwhile to prioritize/pursue? *Maybe this is my ego talking... But I wrote down this in my post-mortem of my sisters awakening in my notebook: I became aware that the ego has taken the concept of itself and made it seem harmless in my eyes, but this incident with my sister has radically shifted my expectations. The ego has taken hold of theory, diluted it and made it its own weapon. Well, as I write this, I realize that im afraid that the ego will make me unconscious, I don't want to go to the hell of unconsciousness, but the ego is such a complex thing, it's like trying to fight and kill a god which has you as their biggest enemy... That's why I write "don't try to dissect truth", because I didn't want the ego to change my expectations. But then I realise, my expectations are comprised of the very theory!! I don't want the ego to dilute me, im afraid of that Sorry for this long thing, I wanted to put some context on why I ask these questions

@Nahm How is theory keeping me from falling asleep?

@Nahm Why a bunch of theory? How much is enough?

Three really powerful songs, there are very few songs I would listen to for sprinting, but these are the ones. (I never really listened to "hall of fame" too much recently, but it has such a powerful message)

Because Leo told me so, I wanted though to find that ultimate bliss of truth. I really wanted to higher my baseline of happiness, and this was my motivation. I neurotically made it a habit in the beginning, but I quickly fell in love with it. I'm not gonna quit meditation, ever, why would I.. I love meditating even if I won't get enlightened in 20 years

Stare at this long enough, have a laugh.

Here are my notes copy-pasted right from my commonplacebook: 2018-07-22 I just experienced the craziest profound thing. I took a fourth of a tab of AL-LAD (37.5ug) before the meditation session, and so I went to do SDS. Now as im writing this, after the incident, im experiencing shaky hands, a bit of fear in my belly (I really dont know from what), but no noticable effects from the AL-LAD. I was sitting, in my regular strong determination sit, enduring the pain (30 minutes in), a few minutes prior of the pain, I conceputally realised that I am everything that I see, feel, hear, and such, that I was it, but it was constructed in such a way to show that I was outside of it. This was conceptual, not experiental, the only thing that I "saw" was like a shape of a face, pulsing as i tensed my eyes, the only thing I felt was that my leg was numb. Suddenly I saw some of the classic CEV patterns of the al-lad take form, and just after that, my heart started bulting (went from 40 to 140), I got a little bit of fear (that precice ammount of fear lasted trough the whole incident), but my heart started bulting faster and faster, and I automatically started breathing faster and faster! I did everything I could to surrender (I though this was enlightenment), I could say I did well, like surrendering to a cold shower, or to the pain, it was nothing special, I didnt feel like I was "dying", no huge terror so to speak. I also was capable to form thoughts, such as me running away from his experience (moving around, standing up or such), but I just totally surrendered. This went on for a while, I kept breathing, I was in a uncertain state, it didnt change though, it stayed the same, and I certainly didnt feel like I was dissolving or something, I was in this unshifting state for a while longer, but then a little shift happend, and I stopped breathing (Like total letting-go), although my heartrate stayed the same, and I observed my CEV, and the whole visual filed was yellowish felt total, (but small), and very close, like as I would be absobed into it trough a quantum leap in any moment. This feeling lasted for a couple of seconds, but then it felt normal, I could think up a picture of "myself" sitting in a room, so I didnt have an ego death really. My heart just began racing and my breath aswell. As soon as I stopped breathing, my heartrate calmed down aswell, and so I went to write this down. I feel like I could surrender into a 5-MEO trip, or a DMT trip, or AL-Lad, or anything ego-death like. This experience was not very hard and difficult to surrender into, and I have confidence that I would do it with a substance. The fear that I had writing this didnt come from anything, it didnt come from something I was afraid of, I really totally surrenderad all my fears in that moment! (The only fear that appeared was fear of losing sanity and control) I didnt see a scary monster, so I really didnt know where it came from. If this is what 5-MEO is like, then I have more confidence that I can hande it. What was this experience!?

Oh bois, 14 days going strong! I have fapped and watched porn with awareness, and now I can see the damage it causes, in contrast of the benefits that await me. The funny thing is, that if I think of masturbating I just cannot do it, I see through it all It used to be as if I would think about porn, I could not see through it, the mystery of its hidden pleasure always seemed to make me relapse into it, now its not the case, now I can also see how porn is limited in its pleasure, and how it affects me!! This is wonderful, I feel like this one is gonna shoot through the moon!

I recommend you the most healthy fast food in the universe: Fruits, but if you are tired of this suggestion, then I have another one for you. I live up in Sweden, and in southern Sweden, a food company named Findus grows perfect sweet green peas, super sweet, super tasty, rich in all the minerals and vitamins, really tasty by themselves, I usually add spices to potatoes, rice or such, but spice ruins the taste of this. If you get a hold of peas, make sure that the majority of the carbohydrates from the peas are from sugars, and not from starch. Of course, they are frozen, so do like this: Boil up water that is 3 times the weight of your portion of peas. Drop the frozen peas into the water and wait. The more you wait, the hotter the peas will become... If you wait too long, the peas will cook, become wrinkly, not that crispy... (destroyed) When you have waited enough, pour the whole thing through a pasta filter, so that you only have the peas left. Enjoy This takes like 5 minutes. If you are lazy, then pour the frozen peas into the pasta filter, and pour a lot of warm water from the tap to unfreeze the peas. This is a GREAT option for a protein-based lunch, it digests well, has a lot of fibers and nutrients, and is crispy and overall delicious! The peas are like the bubbles in bubble tea, that just explodes with flavor. 25% of the calories from protein. The taste of this varies of what peas you have bought. The more sugar (instead of starch) in the peas, the better! 1kg of frozen (Findus) peas costs about 2.5dollars in the cheapest shop here in Sweden.

@Nahm Well, I guess it was just another idea in my head then... but it made sense!! It fit so perfectly in with everything Leo has said about enlightenment and all that mumbo. The highest thing that conceptual thinking has brought me to was being, as I came to the thought that concepts can never be the infinity, so whats better than thinking is just sitting and being.

I used to drink milk a lot! I used to value milk as to be better than water, and Im young enough to not feel any side-effects. I stopped drinking milk when I really wanted to thrive... there is some bad stuff in the milk that I found out was there only when I studied the topic, but why I really stopped was because of food combining rules. Milk will screw up the digestion of anything that is not protein-based. If you would eat potatoes and drink water aside, you would have a much better digestion than with drinking milk. Consider healthy options to milk such as soymilk, or oat milk, almond, coconut, cashew, the vegans will name it. If you ever get digestion problems, I think its the milk.

Leo, how did you install windows on your macbook?

Hey, its midway through my challenge and my update look terrible, but its packed with insights. I relapsed MO several times, and enough awareness of that has made me see through it. But one thing remained, nagging the fuck out of my mind, the P. Disclaimer: I did not relapse with MO during this session, and honestly, my awareness has gotten me to the holy point of me not being able to justify and let myself MO again. This session was all about shining awareness on the P. I read the guidelines, considering that I would paste my notes without the graphic descriptions but as im not going against the guidelines (If I really do, then this is a sweet goodbye), I find that some of you might find this valuable. Im posting this out of lack of compelling reasons not to, here in the NoFap discussion. "Initial, direct:" is graphic, "Aftermath (Insights):" Has most of the insights. You have been warned. 2018-05-12 Read everytime you want to fap/watch porn (If you don't read this before relapsing, you're pathetic). Watched porn with as much awareness as I could (BinarualB to keep me aware). I chose by intuition to watch porn, not by raw desire. I wanted to see trough the porn once and for all, to wipe the slate clean for my decisions to come. Initial, direct: Heart pounding, fatigue in the eyes by keeping them open to not miss out on anything while im scrolling. Nothing does get better than an orgasm, so the porn was not hiding any superior ecstasy (As my mind deceived me into believing) Very low consciousness is required to be able to create this kind of art. It's made to appeal to your natural evolution only. I got addicted to this, and could not snap out of it. It was because of the circumstances, I had nothing better. What was I searching for, ecstasy? MO is all there is, there is nothing more to the pleasure unless you have sex (by contrast) Flatten the illusion in order to see trough any fantasy. Your awareness knows how it feels. Flatten out everything to how it "feels". I see trough the game the mind is playing on me, and what hooks all unconscious people. Even if I see my wildest fantasy on picture, I can see through it. The only thing that remains is lingering dopamine that comes when I keep scrolling. There is no place for porn. I should have sex. If the pleasure of sex is the only true thing, then go shine your awareness on that. It's a good experience, but it won't last forever, it's very low on the list. Out of libido for this, after 25 minutes, im just scrolling, no dopamine, no pleasure. Every time I see something erotic, my heat starts pounding - dopamine for me to fap. I already know what will come after fapping, and I know the side effects and cravings that follow. I see it all trough. Time goes by pretty fast, like playing good video games. Though im not experiencing as much initial dopamine from the video games, though the cravings are revealing that. I deceived myself into preferring futanari over heterosexual, as I painted a picture of a dickgirl always experiencing ungodly pleasure, as opposed to men (my pleasure). This makes it all too hot, as it's not only a female body replacing the man and the role of the man, but she is experiencing much more pleasure aswell. I wanted to pleasure the "girl" (Female body, male genitalia) by stroking her dick (imaging it). That was the problem, by the clever artistry, it looked like the "girl" had an unmeasurably good time. I want to pleasure her! That's a great pleasure for a man, so I feel lots of dopamine is being released when I see (an imaged scenario) of her getting pleasured. (Applies to a static pose-picture, where you commonly fantasize your own scenario out of that one picture). When I look at the hottest porn of women and men playing, I really get turned on, to fap, and it's endless. Futanari is trash, once you see through it. (But I really want to fap to that scenario!) And this is the trap. When you don't see the woman enjoying herself when she should, you release more dopamine to fuck her harder. (That is why it's really hot (for me) to see or fantasize women going trough an orgasm without even flinching.) I like to see the "girl" surrendering to anal pain while simultaneously experiencing dick pleasure. (But how does that feel)? Aftermath (Insights): Your screen gets to be your heroin, and you got no energy for anything else. Find a real girl, anything sexual other than that will lead you nowhere, but depression (considering that you have a decent relationship). I feel very drained, almost like wanting to sleep. Worse than orgasming for sure. I will get cravings and urges. The source of the "bringing enjoyment to the woman (in porn) trap", is thinking that the woman is gonna be experiencing some kind of nondual ecstasy, so your urge (dopamine) to pleasure her becomes greater. Be real, it's exactly like a male orgasm, and so you don't really want to engage her into such an addiction. Now when I think of anything else than porn, there is no pleasure in it! Pleasure, pleasure everywhere (trough sex, nothing else.) My mind is very deceiving. Anytime I try to think of pleasure, sex comes up, the artistry of my fetishes, etc, and if I give in, my penis gets hard (of natural response, cant control it), and so goes the addiction loop. I have seen trough the pleasure part of porn, and I know how it's playing out and going on. I know what the consequences of PMO is, and thus why, I will stop and eliminate it. There is much better stuff out there, much better. My intuition knows that, but my dirty mind tries to deny that, precisely so that it can maintain the porn homeostasis. Giving into fantasies is like watching the porn. I notice the most exquisite of the porn images flashing before me actively, but if I don't give in to the fantasy, nothing happens. Trying to "see trough it" is like visualizing having sex, which gives you blue balls. Just trust your prior awareness that there is nothing to receive from fantasizing thus PMO. Trust that the greatness lies completely beyond that, so don't even analyze it. This was the purpose of fapping with awareness, seeing trough the "secret ecstasy of PMO" so that you can see that it's just completely worthless, thus you will be able to quit cold turkey. It was worth it doing this with awareness. If I would not, then it would be much easier for my mind to deceive me into thinking that porn would be the "holy grail of pleasure", and so I would make it much harder for me to resist for the required period. Now that I have introduces my awareness into the equation, I feel like I much easier can deny the offer (im not missing out on anything). Rewire, higher your baseline, and forget about all this heroin.

@Amilaer--- Sometimes I mix some with the bananas, but just for nutrient purposes. Its a lot of sugar, but sugar is only a problem when its absorbed by the blood to quickly, which makes it have a high glycemic load. We fuel ourselves primarily with carbs, and simple sugars are the best, which is found in bananas. There is no difference of the sugar in bananas as opposed to refined sugar, but the difference is in how much water-soluble fiber is consumed with it. The fiber forms a gel-like substance in the gut, supporting a balanced flow of sugar into the blood as opposed to the "spike" of refined sugar (with no fiber). I take this by believing the research, but my proof lies in my lack of diabetes, fat (and unhealth). Interestingly, ripe bananas carry the precise amount of fiber necessary to give the human body the optimal digestion, and assimilation of the sugar.

Wake up early (optimally 5 am, im usually failing on that) Roll up my floor bed, brush teeth, splash face with cold water. Drink loads of water Sit down and do concentration (5 mins) Proceed to do meditate (40 mins) Visualization (10 mins) Go out and jog while listening to Leo's audio files Come home and take a cold shower Eat breakfast (100% banana smoothie).

Boys. Saw an image on the internet. It was deliberately searched for. I experimented, I forgot how it even looked like, so I searched for porn trough google SafeSearch. After a while, I saw an image. I was aware through the whole process, and I felt the chemicals surge my brain, overflowing! Now I see why people can sit for 8 hours straight. I just felt the addiction just building on itself, how my patterns of browsing so quickly adapted to find an erotic picture, because that gave me a "high". At one point I pinched myself, and could not feel significant pain (apart from what I normally would feel), and I could not look away from the screen. I got an urge to fap to the porn (which was nostalgic). I sat there for 15 minutes before snapping out of it. I yet don't feel the side effects, because of im sleepy (I was sleepy before browsing), so the morning will tell. I feel like Im relapsing into oblivion, boys. I will officially make a 30-day challenge right here and now. I will not be deliberately searching for porn on the internet. I will not touch my genitalia unless im washing it. I will let go of any fantasies, and never dream into them. I surrender to all cravings. All of this for 30 days starting from now, 2018-04-29, and ending 2018-05-29 (one month). If Leo has a strong enough vision to sit and meditate for 30 days straight, then so shall I not relapse for 30 days as well. Because im tormented by this addiction, and my vision is to have freedom from this negative spiral, and my vision is to be a grown-up fucking man, resisting the cries of the ego, and using the absence of porn and fapping to fuel something greater. I want to go out and find my hot witch girlfriend. My vision is that I can build my life around the fact that im not gonna fap for the next 30 days, and that I will rewire my brain a bit to get acclimated to the environment im setting for myself. I essentially trying to fill my "hole" with something else. Sexual energy can be used for so many other stuff. If im gonna relapse, it's not gonna be in my fucking hand, its gonna be in the 10/10 vagina. Im gonna keep track of the days and actions in my notebook. I will write an update halfway in, and also if I relapse or if I succeed. Wish me luck. #nonutmay