leintdav000

@ajasatya Well, that's where things get complicated... I really feel like I a major piece of unlovable garbage... but I'm just really, really, ok with that. Life is but a dream, and I don't feel like I need to be anything or anyone special. So yes, I've accepted myself, and love myself... but I'm very aware of how messed up that is, and am at this point, simply indifferent.

Long story short, I grew up in a really unhealthy house: screaming, fighting, domestic abuse, etc. I didn't grow ever seeing my parents kiss, hug, or show any kind of love. My dad would throw me around, and he's thrown punches at me. Typical domestic abuse stuff, details don't matter here. I'm turning 20 now; as I'm becoming more conscious, via meditation, self-inquiry, etc., and learning about psychology on my own, I'm learning I have some serious emotional issues. It's unfortunate, and I don't say this to be cocky, I'm just keeping it real with you guys, but I've grown up to be "intimidatingly handsome"--girls words, not mine. I definitely feel completely unlovable, and feel like people hate me and want me to go away: Ironically, this is exactly what my mother would tell me. Ta-da. I've grown up to be super confident, I actually do really well at sales. However, amongst my peers and girls my age, I just feel like everyone hates; I feel like I'm completely unworthy, etc. A typical product of domestic abuse stuff. This weird mix of confidence with emotional issues has turned me into an extremely strong independent. Honestly, this is just who I am. I think I'm ok with it. I am who I am. I'm very aware of these problems and where there rooted in, but I'm curious if any of this is really fixable. I sort of just feel like if someone actually loved me, just for once, it could make a difference, but being realistic, I just don't see that ever happening... I'm kind of a pos... whether that be my traumatized ego saying that or truth, idk. It doesn't really matter because that's just what it is. I'm twenty years old now... is it even worth my time to go in and try to fix this, or am I better off doubling down on education, passions, and making money--again, I sort of don't mind... It's just who I am and I've accepted it. I sort of just feel like I'm screwed, lol. Let me know about your experience.

Growing up I was an extreme case of dependence... I need other people or I would lose my mind. I vividly remember having episodes when I was 14 where I would frantically pace back and forth because I didn't know what to do without them. I was extremely social and quick to welcome someone into my life--to the point where it backfired & repelled people. Long-story-short, I'm turning 20 now and things I have changed. I've invested an immense amount of time into my spiritual/ inner game infrastructure during these past years, to the point where the pendulum has swung the other way. I've found so much inner peace that I don't like engaging with new people at all anymore--kids my age that is. I'm a top salesman over the summer: avoiding people isn't out of anxiety or fear, it's out of a place of I'm so good & secure in myself that I just don't need, nor really want that anymore... frivolous small talk, inviting people into my life, I'm just not into it. However! I feel guilty about this. My friends have been dragging me to parties and I just don't resonate with it anymore and have no interest in meeting anyone there--drunk, unconscious people. The ironic thing is my confidence and indifference has actually created an effect where girls and boys are constantly trying to meet me... unfortunately, I seriously just don't care! I'm almost kind of an ass... It's really, really, hard for me to even converse, all while they're trying so hard to engage me. College is "suppose" to be the time we go out, be wild, and have fun, but I sort of already did that in high school... I already did all of this, I'm ready to start builiding my real life. Is this a sign of growth, or should I shut up and just go be social?

@Leo Gura I think I do realize that to awaken one must fully commit to surrendering to reality and practically... However, I conflict with this because again, I'm not sure I'm totally ready to do this: I still want to build a family, a business, and an arsenal of skills & experience so I can teach my kids how to love, build wealth, etc. Although this is all part of the illusion, I still feel that it's something I must do to my utmost ability before I'm ready to completely surrender and "wake up." "there's also nothing wrong with working on success if you feel you need to. Remember, plan out your life in chapters and phases. If you're young you might want to spend 5 or 10 years working on success before you go heavy into awakening work. So get clear about what you want and then pursue that decisively." This was extremely well said... I needed to hear this x10! I went through a few radical awakings that really challenged my orientation with reality, but I've been dabbling since because of the previously mentioned dilemma... I haven't been planning my life in seasons and phases at all: that's a brilliant insight. I'm going to sit down and do exactly that today. And you're absolutely right, I needed that clarification: I need to plan a phase to create external success--I've been oscillating between this and awakening after the few awakenings I did have--then plan for another phase later when I'm fully ready to sit down and commit to awakening. I must commend you for taking the time to personally reply to your users... It means a lot to us. I send much love and good energy your way, from Stillwater, MN.

@Moreira I agree. Do you know if the changes are permanent? I imagine the brain is malleable and can be re-tuned into an engaged state?

Ok, I've been avidly meditating for three years now... I've noticed an inverse relationship between high states and low states of consciousness; I'm curious if anyone else has noticed similar effects. Prior to any meditation or consciousness work, I've noticed that my frontal cortex was (engaged) in life: every little detail felt so real and it was constantly vetting, interpreting, and synching information... However, as I've meditated, become more aware, I've become more of a passivist rather than an activist. For example, while driving, I now passively observed street signs, people, locations, but not actively download the information: I have become a passive observer rather than a diligent note taker--I hope that analogy made sense. When I become super present I experience "no mind" quite frequently. I will have absolutely no thoughts, attachment, or judgment to anything: I am a mere observer of consciousness. Spiritually, this is blissful and beautiful; pragmatically, it's troublesome... I used to be extremely witty, fast on my feet, and quick to recall details; now I'm absent minded and don't really care, lol. I'm 20 years old, I'm thinking maybe it's best I take a break from this whole spiritual thing until my later years in life... I need my sharp, active, and engaged brain now and until I'm 50: I think it's selfish to call everything an "illusion" and opt out of life--all though I understand this paradigm. I still want to make money, build a family, and set my kids up for a good life. I'm curious if anyone else has noticed the meditative side effects?

I'm 19 and it seems like I've been destined to be alone wolf. What drives me nuts is having the self-awareness to fully take heed of this predicament. I go through phases where I'm cool with it; then I go through other phases where I hyper introspective and frantically try to "find the reason" why I don't have any real friends... It drives me nuts because I'm so not a victim. These last three years I've done my best to take full responsibility for my situation and change it! Yet, I'm still here... I'm not ugly, I'm not dumb, and I think I have pretty good social skills... I broke records in my sales job; teachers and bosses always seem to take extra liking me; in fact, almost everyone job I've had I was blindly offered it... I get along great with classmates, and coworkers. In fact, I "used" to know a whole bunch of people! The weird thing is, people actually tell me that they would consider me popular! I've seriously had girls and guys tell me this... yet I'm confined to social ostracization. I'll give you an example that's happening right now. My next door neighbors, the kids I grew up with and have been good friends with all throughout high school, are having a big bonfire but didn't invite me... they've blown me off for the past year. I just can't ever remember having a falling out, fight, or anything... last time we hung out we all had a good time and hung out until like 3 am--so I thought--they shook my hand and closed with "we'll have to do this again!" I made a whole bunch of friends in my freshman year and gradually became really good buddies with a guy named Ben. The first semester was awesome! We hung out every day, did our homework together; wrote our goals down; gamed girls; had an entire arsenal of inside jokes, etc. Then I noticed the same recurring pattern throughout my whole life: I'm initiating things... I did an experiment and stopped hitting him up first; bam, just like that. The dude didn't hit me up once all semester; here I am in summer, and not one college friend has been like, "what's up". In the past 6 months, I've kind of turned into an asshole: you grow tired of trying to fit in for so long and it goes nowhere. maybe there's just something off around me and I do something subliminally that red flags people without me noticing: yet they always greet me with a huge smile and come running up to me when we bump into each other! --I grew up with abusive parents and a classic dysfunctional household: screaming, punches, etc. I lived with a friend my entire jr.year of high school. Maybe that did something to me. I guess this is the last important detail to make... Since 6th grade, I've felt about two years older than my peer group: abusive households make you grow up fast. Freshman year of high school all my friends were juniors and seniors, and my girlfriend was a junior; once they graduated, I haven't had friends since. Anytime I have any sexual polarity between a girl she's 21+: I guess you attract what you are. It's become almost like a parasite in my brain: there must be something wrong with me. I guess I'm curious if you've experienced this same "lone wolf destiny", if something clicked in time where you could look back and see why/ what you were doing that ostracized you to this role.

@K VIL Hah, I'm in university right now! That's what surprised me when I did the math... I'm used to reading chapters in a day for all my classes... 10 pages is a joke! Unless it's really complex material... The exercise science textbook I'm reading through right now is breaking down glycolysis--something I've never been formally educated in and my chemistry knowledge has some holes in it. I didn't take education seriously until college. But it's nothing I can't figure out. GG brotha, I'll check out the link and see what's all out there

I started working through an exercise science textbook the other day and I got me wondering... I did something math; If I read 20 pages every day, which isn't really a lot, I can burn through almost two whole textbooks every 6 months. Most textbooks are 500-1,000 pages; 7*20=140; 140(4)=560; 560(6)=3360... I'm curious why everyone wouldn't do this, lol? Knock out ten pages of one book then nock out ten pages of another--I like to read two books at a time otherwise I get bored. That's 4 entire textbooks a year: that's 40 in ten years! Do this your entire life and it's like, I imagine, seeing the world in 360p compared to 4k! Maybe this will be a new commitment I make! Just thought I'd post, maybe it'd spark some interest in others.

@Leo Gura @Leo Gura I'm looking forward to my first 30-day solo retreat. I had a massive awakening in high school and honestly, I feel like I'm going to need a fear years to adjust... I was dead asleep and it really shook me orientation with reality and self. Maybe after graduation, I'll go do my first one

@Leo GuraThat made me think, and I thought a lot about it for little but... I think the lack of evolutionary pressure, or as you said it, society making it easy does a lot of damage to us. Depression, anxiety, and cognitive disengagement is the product of us trading security for disengagement with society: because it's too easy. I look back and the happiest, most alive, and cognitively stimulated I've ever been is doing PUA or being put in some kind of situation where I have to engage: evolve or die/fight or die--rock climbing, sparring, or something like that. If I'm not engaging in some kind of challenge, which modern society doesn't really present me with a lot of options--seriously, my biggest challenge as a 19-year-old is to show up to class--then my brain just kinda disengages...

I remember when I was little, as I'm sure we all do, we were like sponges: everything we saw and learned we absorbed. We learn so crazy fast about everything! I'm 19 now and I can't help but feel like "I've slowed down". I love learning, and I invest a lot of time into it, but it's something I consciously focus on. When I was little, I'd remember song lyrics, artist names, movie names, etc, etc, bam just like that. Now it's something I really have to concentrate on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my ability to focus and academically learn hasn't changed, but my ability to passively learn has reduced a lot. As I said, things like movie names, names of locations, trivial, frivolous things, like that I just don't really remember. Why does this happen to us? How can I spark that inner child in me!

@Flatworld Crusades Yes, I see how this would happen. When you absorb yourself into the other environment how is it that your consciousness awakens to the situation? Is it some kind of energetic realization and suddenly you realize what is going on, or do you see/hear yourself doing/ saying something that you wouldn't normally do and it brings you back to yourself? Or is it something different? Just thinking if you can keep yourself present with your own belief system and consciousness, something might come of it. ---- All these replies are super interesting to me; I'm surprised at how many people can't relate to this... I'm not a social chemilain--if I am, I'm an eccentric one... meaning I definitely stand out. People know me for being me, you know? It's not a (spiritual conscious) thing, I'm just really quick at reading and adapting to someone. Meaning, if they hold themselves a certain way, I'll match that--I see this; if they speak with a certain tonality and energy, I match it--I hear it; if they have a certain sense of humor--eg: puns, nagging, riffing, etc, I'll hear this and shoot it back to them. I observe and absorb whatever they send out and I sent it back: completely unconsciously. I don't even really even notice the transition... it's not a bad thing either, on an individual level. My problem is that we're at the bottom of the pyramid; people "usually" aren't happy, aren't driven, aren't motivated, aren't "high-conscious" for a lack of better terms... I adopt this same energy and fall into it. I sort of just snap out of it, like waking up from a dream, and my energy completely changes after I realize I've fallen into the group's energy.

@Meditationdude social osmosis is very real... you become the environment you're in unconsciously. I'm just extra sensitive to this.

I've been born with a gift, but it's also a curse... I'm highly adaptable and emotionally intelligent to the environment I'm in. Whenever I meet people, regardless of their culture--meatheads, gamers, academic nerds, druggies, etc, etc--or just individuals in general, I unconsciously adapt to their energy and frame. I pick up on their sense of humor, energy, body language, etc, incredibly fast and we become good friends really fast. I never consciously do this, but I've had people point out that I'm just really good at this. It's a blessing because I can relate to people really fast; it's especially helped me in sales! However, I'm ambitious, driven, and young... I'm a freshman in college and as I'm awakening on my spiritual journey I'm realizing how the unconscious and low vibrational the mass is... I don't say this in my pretentious way, but it's real. The problem is, however, when in solitude, I'm crazy proactive and productive... I feel very blessed. I had a hard upbringing, spent a year in solitude doing online school and meditating, and I know exactly what my vision is and where I'm going. The problem is I'm so unconsciously sensitive to the people around me that when I start socializing with people I lose my self in matching their low-vibrational energy... Days will go by where I snap out of it and realize that I've been sucked into their frame. --it's hard when the majority of people around me are like this... How do I remain centered in an awake, high-conscious frame, in a world that sleeps...