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Let's not get lost in semantics trivia, there's no value to just blindly assimilate this belief. God doesn't deny logic, it includes and transcends it. God emerges when logic fails, thus there's the ultimate "mistake" that leads towards God's emergence. Any thesis is misleading, thus we need to ask questions that point toward the experiential answer.

Self perceives itself - that's logical mistake. When you look in the mirror you think you perceive "yourself" while actually you perceive your reflection in the mirror. It's "me there in the mirror perceived by me here standing in front of it". If you imply an "I" that perceives an "I" then there's an "I" - here that perceives and an "I" - there that is being perceived. You split yourself in two by this idea which is totally illogical, a hand can't grab itself. Look closer and see how it really works, not how you think it works, that's what self inquiry practice is made for.

@emind That will pass. Also you may try 30x2 to reenergize your mind in between.

I join the request, very curious about your view of that topic.

I want to fucking complain and be needy and feel like myself. Cause I can. Cause it's okay to complain. Cause I haven't written something really authentic and vulnerable for awhile. So, it's the middle of the winter and I'm fucking depressed as fuck you fucking fuck. The length of the day is just 7 hours and it's like sitting all day long in the cellar and going out only in the morning for several hours, it doesn't feel natural at all, it feels like you've been put in some artificial environment in which some important component of nature is missing. It feels like you've been poisoned with something, your energy level is so low you can barely do shit even though you're one of the most driven motherfuckers you've ever known. Your mind is about as powerful as it is when you haven't sleep for twenty-four hours, no short term memory, no concentration, no creativity. You break out crying every now and then for no reason. Your head literally feels like it's inflamed inside in the area of the third eye. Shame, shame, walls of unreasonable deep shame, it's so fucking visceral, it's not just emotion, it's like a body part. I can tell you a million situations where I fucked up something even a little bit during last year, and all that crap is just stuck in my head, I can stop that thinking process for awhile, but it always comes back, I get sick of it and let go, and it comes back again and again and it will until the depression is gone. Any time you think of doing something valuable you end up giving up with that meaningless crap, not because everything is meaningless, everything is wonderful and interesting and there's so much to do, there's so much white walls to paint, but you've got no fucking energy, none, zero. You know that if you force yourself you'll just break out crying, and if you force yourself further you'll end up giving up in half an hour because you sit and stare at the computer screen and can't think a fucking thought clearly because you're just crying in agony. I recently watched videos from one of my favorite bands creating their new album and oh boy, I miss this spirit of creativity in my life so fucking much. I just hope that someday I will be capable of creating something with shit ton of passion in my eyes again and get completely lost in it. Fuck, I haven't done that for over a year. Depression amplifies your narcissism, makes you very irritable, judgemental, envious and combative. You just see all the crap in people and judge them and hate everyone, you know that it's all you and has nothing to do with them, you don't act on your impulses, but you have to deal with all that irrational shit in yourself and cut through all the bullshit to see things as they are, yes it purifies your neurotic patterns, but it still sucks and it's difficult. You see people as evil and flawed, it gets hard to communicate with them, because any time you get irritated you have to understand is this their shit, or your shit, are you projecting or are they full of shit, are you rude, or are you fairly protecting yourself, are you being reasonably angry or are you overreact, and yadayadayada. Interactions with my parents really piss me off lately. The most annoying part is that they are the only people I can ask help from. You just can't possibly explain to uneducated people things like depression or anti-inflammatory diet and their help is just useless. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING TOLD THAT BREAD IS HEALTHY BECAUSE IT CONTAINS VITAMIN B6, FUCK! Another annoying thing is that people just don't get how depressed you can get. They think you have victim mentality, or that you are not trying hard enough, or they just expect you to act like you're not depressed, or they get irritated by any little whimper because they are arrogant fucks that deny their own weaknesses. Well if I would shoot your fucking leg we would see how you would not be playing a victim you fucking fuck. I daydream about woman's love and hugs again. Dammit, it's been so long, sooo long! Oh FUCK yes, now I feel much better. Meow.

Just before I started writing this post I was battling with my ego and pride about making this journal because for some strange reason I thought that I gotta be some lone-wolf dude that does amazing shit all alone and is so damn self-sufficient that doesn't want to bother anyone with his problems. What a narcissist bullshit! I think that one of the main objectives of this topic is to make things formal for me. Mind tends to not give a shit about commitment over time so it's a good idea to regularly formally remind yourself what you are doing and why. The fact that some people may read this journal makes it a little less likely to quit rather than a private one. For last three months I was very nihilistic about anything exept for enlightenment/spirituality/meditation. I don't know what exactly caused that, my insights in the nature of desire and meaning or that's just consequences of addictions and depression, so it makes me struggle a little with this journal, but I do realize that it will certainly be beneficial and helpful. Right now my biggest challenge in life is my addiction to any kind of sexual stimulation, mostly porn and masturbation. It stays in a way of my self development because it created severe depression, huge energy problems, lack of concentration. I did over 500 hours of strong determination sitting over the last year and lately the only thing I can focus on is my depression, it transformed to mostly sense of brain fog, feels just like physical pain. It is so intense that it's just pointless to concentrate on something else because it just won't work, even just observing thoughts is mostly problematic. I cried hundreds of times for the last two-three years and suffering becomes less of a problem, but it really is on my way towards more advanced non-duality stuff, because I realize that concentration and clear mind are needed for this work. Here is the list of reasons to quit (stuff to visualize): Getting rid of depressed zombie mind. I want to have clear thinking and perception again and not feel like I didn't sleep for several days. It will make my meditation better and make me more prone to insights. I will be more aware of being, which will create more joy. Energy, enthusiasm, charisma. I know I can be way more charming, playful, entertaining if I quit. People will like me more and I will express myself better in interaction with them. Reducing sleep problems. When I go on nofap I start to sleep better. Better sleep will make me feel better, think clearer and be more aware and energized. Motivation and ability to work. I have a huge passion and lots of stuff to do! I do really wanna be fascinated with it again. Reducing social anxiety. Nofap makes me care less about what people think of me. How great that will be to not feel bombarded with people's attention. Not being slave of lust. It's just fucking disgusting! I'm an animal! My life is fused with lust! Fuck that! Stupid waste of time and energy! This is the list of things to remember and read regularly: Quitting this addiction is number one priority in my life at the moment. If I fail at that everything else falls apart. It fucks up my life for sure. There was too many attempts. It will be fucking terrible because I am very addicted. I MUST accept that suffering and stay away from addictive pleasures whatever it takes. It will take continued grueling effort. I need to stay away from anything related to sex at least for one year, because impact of porn/masturbation on my body and psyche is too serious to vanish in just couple months. I need to let go of hope that I will masturbate or watch porn for pleasure ever again. It just doesn't work this way. My addiction clearly shown me why lust is bad and useless. And when you are on nofap your mind makes all kind of justifications why is it beautiful or natural or something else. Bullshit! I relapsed dozens of timed and always, ALWAYS regretted and went down on the addiction spiral. Though withdrawals may be hard I should remember that it's temporary, suffering is just an illusion, it may be not as bad as I percieve it. Many people have done it so can do I, I even read some schizophrenics made it. These lists will be updated/modified. I need to get back on track with my daily 90 minute strong determination sitting after early wake up as I did for months. I commit to 30 day challenge: no lust, early awakening, SDS before breakfast, get to bed early, daily check in here. There is already some sense of investment after I wrote this post. I was struggling to just make myself to take it seriously when I started. Good!

@emind Any skill is developed by repetition. The more repetitions - the stronger the skill. The more times you feed the Pavlov's dog when you turn on the lamp - the more the probability that the dog will secrete saliva when you turn on the lamp again. Meditation is like that, the more times you get to your object of concentration back after distraction - the stronger your skill of remaining on the object is. So the question is: when do you get back to your breath more times, when you meditate an hour or a half?

I personally find this method to be the most powerful and easy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHUajtPXPDw

I laugh like an idiot. What the fuck? I mean really? I feel like it helps with constipation as well, oh gosh, ohhh gosh!

I had glimpses of being "lived" but I'm not there permanently yet and I can only guess, but I think that the answer to that is that you won't go away for good, you'll be able to turn off and "be lived" and turn on and get back online when needed.

Journaling is useful way to do the analysis. To actually beat shyness you need lots of exposure.

You can do that in your journal as well. When you write things down it is easier to understand your thoughts and feelings.

Fuck. That was hypomania. And it backlashed with depression. I'm fucked. No idea what to do but shrink my time horizon to one day and have faith that I will come up with something to help myself.

My spartan living turned unimaginably impractical lately. I'm sick as fuck of how much it limits me everywhere from health improvement to entertainment. Several days ago I worked one day as a carwasher, I was so desperate when I was on my way home because I struggle with very severe depression and that amount of stress was too much for my current body capability. It seeded the idea of becoming financially independent in me and today I realized some limiting beliefs that hold me back. Wasting too much time for low-payed jobs is just a ridiculous bunch of nonsense. I'm done with this idealistic spiritual la-la land and waiting for my calling to come to me while completely ignoring important needs. I don't feel as much drive towards the Truth at the moment, at least this is what my inner guru tells me. So I set a goal: to establish basic financial independence by the end of 2019. What do I mean by financial independence? Well, this is difficult question, and figuring out this question is the goal of this week. I don't know how much should I aim for because I don't know what is required in terms of the amount of work, what opportunities the industry can offer with my level of capability and how much am I willing to do. But I know some general guidelines of what I want. Lowly: around $500 a month, this will cover my basic needs, I'm lucky enough to live only with one relative in separate room who doesn't bother me working 3 days a week working from home More ambitious, but still realistic (?): $1000 a month and moving to another city somewhere on the south of Russia where there's more sunlight (or, maybe, other country? good question...) working 3 days a week working from home Why this endeavor may fail: Threat: I will get burnt out again. Solution: Tracking overwork and experimenting with the pace. Threat: Seasonal fluctuations of depression/hypomania and kundalini syndrome. Solution: Accountability partnership. Making healing from depression (with diet, hopefully) №1 priority. Threat: My pace will be too slow because of a part time job that I have to work. Solution: There's no fix to that except constantly checking new jobs for a better one. Job market is not endless. Threat: I won't be brave enough to engage in stuff that takes more responsibility for the sake of profit, like leading a team or something. Solution: Get ready to fail and make a leap of faith, it will work somehow, maybe not from the first attempt, love thyself goddamit. Make sure that I don't limit myself with the belief that I am not assertive enough. Goals for this week: Figure out the market and decide what I aim for. Concrete result: list of goals for education. Finish a book, write out main ideas and come up with exercises. Look for work and make calls. Notify my accountability partner about this. Avoid the forum till Sunday. No binge surfing till the end of the day. Intense unconditional self-love no mater how much I "fuck up". Baby steps, alarming kiddo, baby steps.

It's time to end this journal and start a new one. Lessons learned: Serious accountability structure is the answer to my porn/fap addiction. Enlightenment takes a lot of work on neurosis/health/energies besides meditation. I was spiritually bypassing. I suck at long-term goals. I'm sick of poverty. I shall not exhaust myself anymore with manic pursuit of goals and be patient.

So I went to a psychiatrist. She prescribed me Xanax, fuck Xanax, I'll shoot it in my mouth like candies. Couldn't get the antidepressant prescription because she was avoiding any discussion. I've also hidden my symptoms of bipolar from her because in this case I would get valproic acid or lithium which come with some nasty side effects and toxicity and I see no use in it unless severely manic. Also antidepressants may trigger mania or hypomania (which I had) that's another thing. I worked one day as a carwasher. Jesus Christ I really feel sorry for those stage red/blue women that work there 12 hours a day with very little weekends. The work is okay, it could give me some grounding physical exercises that are not too exhausting and very flexible working schedule, but the unbearable part is that they expect you to wash very fast and clean which is so difficult that it makes you sweaty and angry. After my exam car that I had to wash fast in the end of the day I was so depressed that I was thinking of suicide again, I barely suppressed my cries in front of my collegues. When I went home I was crying all the way and just surrendering to depression talking to myself like "oh yeah bitch, that's devil coming out of me, yikes". I thought "OK, depressed, not a big deal, will see in the morning if I can handle this job further", and then I realized that I don't even have time to sleep enough even though I tried to cook and shower as fast as I can. When I woke up in the morning it was definitely no. Well, at least I worked there for the experience, bwehehe, it was actually fun to use those waterguns, when you press the trigger you feel like you've got all the power in the world, you freaking clearing fairy goddamit. I had fights with my parents about psychiatry and work and shit. They agreed to help me financially with anti-inflammatory diet and acknowledged my health problems. The diet is the one of my main goals at the moment. Still looking for work though. My accountability partnership works. It's been almost a month since I stopped masturbating irresponsibly, it also helped me with some other important commintments like job search. I tried melatonin for sleep and it works. But I have some side effects: headache, nausea, it also seems to affects my kundalini. The carwashing thing shook my schedule and mental state, I will keep experimenting with it. First time I took it I woke up very early in the morning with no alarm and was like "HOLY FUKK?!?! MIRACLE!". Waking up in time definitely lessens my social anxiety and brain fog. Do-nothing is helpful for anxiety for me. Anxiety always comes with constant decision making loop, you are constantly in that state "I gotta fix this, I gotta fix that, what do I do what do I do what do I do", while do-nothing is the opposite of that. You just sit and whatever, fuck it, blah-blah-blah. As you develop do-nothing you can access that any time of the day when you catch yourself in that meaningless decision-making spiral. The length of the day started to increase in northern hemisphere, I will finally have spring fever after all.

I don't think so. Most likely it's just discipline issues and poor goal setting. Or some other underlying psychological/physiological stuff like perfectionism, procrastination, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change, fear of uncertainty, addiction to thrill of exploration of new things, ADD, impulsiveness, indecisiveness, energy problems, depression or something like that. You gotta give it a good shot and go deeper to understand if you really like this new thing. If it sucks you up - congratulations.

There's a subchapter in the book on SD called "FLOW: YELLOW thinkers display Second Tier lifestyle priorities and preoccupations" and it answers the question of this thread: And also not all people of that group belong to yellow.

@Azote Yeah, he's kind of hidden from perception, like a shadow behind your back, I guess. Shady spiral wizard.

@Azote Knowing you're meant to be a superhero is very different from going out there in the world and saving people from disaster. Engineering research is much safer, you've got plenty of time to daydream about fame and significance to distract yourself from the fact that you hate that fucking research. Discovering your path is about what really makes you feel right, not what seems to be some fancy activity according to some clever book recommended by some fancy bald dude from YouTube. Some lessons can't be learned by mind. Sorry, just rambling. Talking to myself. Deluding myself that imma special wise cookie. Nevermind.

Then he should go and check whether it's true in practice or not.

I had the same problem. It turned out that she was suppressing the desire to engage in texting because she was afraid to look needy and tried to always write things that are smart and interesting enough instead of authentic. If you feel close enough to each other try to discuss it with her. Simply suppressing the desire to text didn't work for me no matter how hard I tried. I know how you feel 100%, you probably feel like a kid that tries to get attention from a busy adult when you text her. Don't dismiss your need for connection as merely neediness, especially in LDR.

@Marinus Two suggestions. 1) Get comfortable. Don't rush. Maybe take a shower together. Stay naked together in the room for like half an hour or so or even more, just stay there and let each other experience vulnerability of being naked until it doesn't feel unusual. Maybe try to massage each other when naked. Or lay in the bed on your back hugging each other and ask her to tickle your dick and balls or something. DO NOT TRY to get aroused, just let her explore the sausage and it will happen spontaneously. There's no rush, that's not an exam or test, you're not in a life and death situation, you just want to give each other pleasure. 2) Try to embarrass yourself jokingly. Say something like "SHIT! I'M SCARED AS FUCK! LET'S FUCK THIS SHIT UP! I'M GONNA FAAAAAAAAAIL!" and just make fun of yourself. If she's supportive she'll understand, try to laugh together at this, that's not a big deal, you know, you'll be fine. And of course the most important thing: it's NOT an embarrassing problem at all. I've heard shit ton of stories about that and it's very natural. ------------------------------------- Oh shi-, the topic is old, I guess you're fine already.

Check out Shinzen Young's trigger practice idea. The idea is that: reach deep state in your formal practice and then increasingly expose yourself to more and more seductive triggers trying to remain in that state. https://www.shinzen.org/trigger-practice/ Another idea (stopping on a dime) in the first half of the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSq9vKkLu4s And one more talk on this topic: I broke out laughing here, LOL. Reminded me of this post (3rd paragraph). There's another technique by Shinzen called "note vanishings" or "gone", the idea is that thoughts go to the same place they come from which is your true nature. It's kinda satisfying to keep looking at what happens when you suddenly STOP... And this satisfaction may reinforce the desire to keep looking. My Kundalini all over the body squirms each time I slightly sniff the abyss. Sometimes it brings intense feeling of love and awe and spacious feeling in the chest.

I reached out for help on that online Zen seminar, told them about my situation, about meds, depression, unemployment, addictions and asked for accountability. They agreed, now I'm trying to come up with a practical scheme that will make that shit work, I have to tell them how to hold me accountable so that they can spot when I avoid my shit that I won't have any chance to cheat. There are people there who have struggled a lot like me and who can understand me. A dude from Great Britain was telling me some stuff today, I completely misunderstood what he was saying and told him "sorry, I have a real problem understanding British accent", everyone laughed and then he repeated his words. I remember two years ago I was on that seminar and I just couldn't say anything when I didn't get what he was saying, I just freaked out in shame and inside it was like "OMG WTF ARE YOU SAYING SHIT SHIT SHIT I'M FUCKED", I guess my social anxiety gets better. Damn, I didn't realize how much pride I actually have. That lone-wolf mentality is a fucking narcissism. You either play it cool and don't talk about your problems in an attempt to impress others and yourself or you turn into pathetic complainer and make your situation look overly dramatic to manipulate people to express their sympathy. Fuck, I have to stop this journal cuz it's useless, but I'm fucking addicted. Gonna give it a shot... Maybe... Probably... Hopefully... It will work... It's like when you're with a friend and don't wanna go, but it's time, it's time, dude... Just let it go... *poof*