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I've seen a PhD psychiatrist and got an appropriate prescription. It was relieving to finally talk to someone who is able to have a rational conversation, I really enjoyed debating with him about my subjective experience and meditation, although he's a double-blind-study guy and when I mentioned spiritual purification he said that it's just not in his competence, he uses meditation in treatment of his patients, he's a psychotherapist as well, so I got very lucky for the money that I paid. SSRIs failed. I had to slowly raise my dose of Lexapro to 10mg over the course of 10-14 days. When I reached the dose of 5mg on the third day (there was almost no side effects on 2.5 so I took it only for 2 days) of taking it I developed hypomania. At first I meditated 2 hours, started exercising like crazy, on the last push-up I just broke out laughing because of the amount of stress and ruined on the floor. Then at night, when I was hanging out with a friend I became supercharming, superconfident, superfriendly, superdominant, supercreative, supertalkative and super-fucking-unable to sleep until 8 in the morning. I spent the night with waves of excessive energy, anxiety and the sense that I'm about to lose my shit, it was like in that famous psychonaut' joke: "WHY DID I EAT IT? WHY DID I EAT SO MUCH OF IT?". The next day I took last 2.5 mg to not quit it suddenly and then completely cancelled the next day. Then I started craving for another pill, since being superhero is fun. It was yesterday in the morning, I thought "Woah, dude.. You're up to no good, right?", pushed all my prescriptions in the pill's box and threw it away to the trash container on the street. Coming off the drug felt like getting sober, I mean it REALLY felt like getting sober. And sober is always better. I was talking to people like that: https://youtu.be/usFL7YstLnY?t=31 My drunk misanthropic grandfather said that he respects me and started apologizing for his attempt of emotional unload on me just because of how friendly I looked, LOL. Because my samskaras were hidden by the meds my ability of loving-kindness was through the roof, I looked at him and I could see the universe in the eyes of this neurotic miserable old drunk man, and he responded to that presence, he became loving too. Suppose that's what I can reach with spiritual purification in the future. This is what I wrote in my OneNote on the second day about my first 2.5mg: On the second day my libido decreased and I could barely get erection, I didn't lose it completely but it gets way harder to cum on SSRI, just like my doc said. My state normalized. There's some weird change though. In the evening the day after hypomania I was in the bed and started doing do-nothing technique, then the energy all over my head started flowing and readjusting and all of a sudden I felt like my energy block that was fucking me up for so long partially dissolved, the sense of relief was overwhelming, my body relaxed and I started yawning. It didn't dissolve completely and I'm still dysfunctional as fuck but something changed, I couldn't hold nofap streaks longer than 2 days during last several months even with accountability partnership and today it's day 2 and I don't crave for masturbation. There's also some positive change in perception, generally. Also there's one more positive effect: being in superconfident state shown me some of my shadows more clearly, I can recognize how internalized shame can cause spiritual bypass. I woke up in the morning after hypomania and it was so clear how I limit myself in many ways. From the other hand I recognized how medicating your samskaras can lead to not dealing with them at all, because if you're confident as fuck - why improve anything? So it seems that according to western medicine since SSRIs set me manic I either have bipolar type 2 or at least cyclothymia and I have to deal with this shit somehow. It's usually treated with combination of meds or electroconvulsive therapy. The former one is shit because mood stabilizers and neuroleptics suck and the latter one is not accessible in my city, otherwise I would probably go for it. Debunked. Got my blood tests, it's not thyroid nor testosterone. What is interesting is that my testosterone was HIGHER on a SHORTER nofap streak (they found my first test and I had two blood tests of the same kind), as I said earlier on 2-day streaks I felt better, on the third day I would usually feel unbearably worse. Couple years ago I used to feel as I feel on a third day but on over 10-day streak. My phone died and meditating with timer on an old Nokia is kinda funny, when I started playing snake game I broke out laughing out of nostalgia. I've got money to not work for couple more months and I guess even if my depression will persist I will be able to get a job because of the increase in daylight, it makes things easier quite a bit. Yyyyyyyyyyyyyikes!

Go on chatroulette and each time you stumble upon girls do/say something stupid/awkward, don't skip her until she does so. Make stupid faces, just smile, say stupid humiliating things about yourself, ideally make yourself crying pathetically but still don't skip. And keep in mind that the goal is to face the fear of embarrassment, not to make her like you. If she doesn't like you you'll have one more chance with another girl, and one more, and once again, we've got lots of girls out there. Then apply this strategy in real life step by step: look each girl into eyes, make silly faces etc. Increase the level of idiocy slowly, like levels in a computer game: ten times looked into their eyes and didn't stop until they passed -> achievement unlocked -> level up, ten times smiled -> achievement unlocked -> level up, ten times made stupid face -> achievement unlocked -> level up. Be a fucking creep, don't be afraid, nothing serious is gonna happen, just don't do anything offensive and you'll be fine. What's the smallest challenge you can come up with to do this week to perform for ten times? Something that is scary enough to do but still doable so that you don't give up. Praise yourself each time you didn't give up and encourage to try again if you did, be a good boy, you're assured in victory.

Fuck your qualification, bucko. My previous doctor, that prescribed me Xanax, which I refused to take, is on vacation now and I was matched with an another one. After 10 minutes of talking about my symptoms I tried to discuss treatment plan, explained why I refuse to take Xanax and had no resistance to this decision from her. Then shit hits the fan. Immediately after I offered my participation in choice of medication I stumbled upon resistance and demagogy. She seemed fairly capable of some degree of clear reasoning compared to most doctors, had some seemingly valid arguments which I fortunately was able to maneuver for some time and refuse some of her offerings, until she made it clear that she's not going to put up with my opinion on meds whatsoever. I thought OK, it's not a good idea to logically reason with someone who's main argument is "I have 15 years of practice" and has complete inability to speak to my arguments instead of my authority. I gave up and tried to let loose and make some fun to dissipate the tension between us, after all, maybe she will prescribe something that I like, or I am not going to visit this hospital anymore. - *writing prescriprion* You are not able to drink or take drugs when you are on antidepressants, you know why? - I don't drink for over 3 years, doesn't matter. - *slightly infuriated face flowing into warning look* Do you know the reason why it's not allowed? - *interrupting impatiently before she ended* Serotonin syndrome. *utter imperturbable confidence* - I SPEAK, YOU LISTEN! *breaks out laughing, makes cute face with some flavor of irritability*. - *gotcha, devil!* Yeah, yeah, sure, I listen, listen. *cunning smile*. Then we just couldn't talk without laughter for some time. When I was in the bus and have read my prescription turned out that this time it's a tricyclic antidepressant. SSRIs replace this outdated class of drugs in developed countries due to their safety profile, tricyclic ADs is the last choice for treating mental illness that requires antidepressants, why. the. fuck. did. you. prescribe. it. to. me. you. motherfucking. superexperienced. superdoctor? Is this what you call 15 years of experience? Prescribing more toxic autdated alternatives that you learned in soviet era textbooks? Fuck your qualification, bucko, fuck your qualification. It's hard to manipulate people with the level of irritability that I have, I could have done better, complement her knowledge since she's so insecure about it, be more funny and turn on lovely stubbornness mode or something, but that's just not my level yet, it seems that she was irritated with my energy until I pretended that I agree with her and started being playful. Don't know what to do again. She said that a private practitioner would probably listen to my opinion, but I have very limited financial resources and a lot of tension in relationships with parents. Infinite intelligence, give me an idea!

Tinder-Huinder* Couple weeks ago out of curiosity I installed Tinder to see what can I get there in my city. From the first match I stumbled upon stage green girl that has some experience with meditation. I thought "what a luck, universe is gotta be kidding me". We chatted for a couple of days and then had a date. From the beginning she started giving me mixed signals, for example, she would send me audio messages of her hysterical laughter over my jokes and then just stop texting me for several days. You really wanna show the person that makes you laugh so hard how disinterested you are in conversations with him, that's right, girl. Then, when we were hanging out, she once asked me to not smoke in her presence despite that she smokes occasionally, you might say that's not a big deal, and I agreed of course, however, if you would see what kind of energy was behind these words you would understand immediately the real purpose of this request. Then she told me how she is never falling in love first. I ended up daydreaming about ending this date halfway. At the end she gave me a hug and probably hoped, that I would kiss her, but all I hoped for was leaving this person as soon as possible because of her guarded fake attitude. This endeavor caused me to contemplate a lot of questions regarding sex, women and relationships with them. I want to have some sex and overcome my traumatized sexuality, I believe it will give me an overwhelming sense of relief if I will finally going to have sex that I enjoy even once, unlike all my previous ones. There are two ways to get sex: uncommital fuckbuddies/one night stands and relationships. The first one requires overcoming my indecisiveness and inconfidence. The second one requires a good chunk of luck, because hey, even Leo with all his success and following is single. Looking for relationships is a tough game. You might ponder “if you will find an appropriate girl she will help with your traumatized sexuality”. Yes she will, but there are two problems: one is that even if she will, most likely I am not going to want relationships with her because I’m looking for someone who takes spirituality seriously or at least overcame achievement-bunny mentality to a significant enough degree (although girls that never had any ambitions in the first place will bore me quickly either), the second one is that such girls are most likely older than me and are successful which make them completely out of my league. The better choice would be to learn to deal with manipulations productively, gain confidence and settle for uncommitted relationships until I put my act together well enough and accidentally stumble upon someone. “How about not having sex?” – “Fuck you!”. This winter I tried to do some exercises to overcome my social anxiety. I was getting back home from my one time job and had an obsessive idea "Hey, why not overcome some fear just because it sounds fun, huh?". I thought "Hmm, how about talking to strangers?", "Hell yeah, let's freak the hell out of you!". Strangers were passing by, each time I felt like I'm about to approach someone, and then not approach, again and again and again. At first, when I got home, I felt a deep sense of contempt towards myself. Why on Earth am I such a pussy? How the fuck am I going to deal with my life? The last question and a fleeting thought about my mortality made me really, really angry at myself. I said "OK, I'm finishing my dinner and then going to walk in my district until I finally make this shit happen". Strangers are passing by, each time I find an excuse to not talk to them. Another "WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?" scream pops up in my mind. "Hmm, don't you remember this video in which Jordan Peterson told how he was exposing his clients to a greater and greater challenges?". And here we go, I said "hi" to several strangers. At first I would immediately contract in shame and avoid eye contact, by the third or fourth one I already didn't give a fuck. The next challenge was waving my hand to the drivers that drive by in their cars, this too was not scary anymore by the third attempt. Eventually I was just walking next to the road with my hands above my head and enjoy looking like an idiot. "You made it bruh, so proud of you, I start to enjoy your company, what's next? Maybe?" - I was very inspired and was fantasizing about my future ladder of challenges, but later I completely disregarded all this progress and just shut down in depression and forgot about it. I believe that I will improve my dating skills exactly like this. First you touch her, then you hug her, then you kiss her, then she's probably considering sucking your cock because you are a decisive motherfucker. However that's just a bunch of wet fantasies and in reality it will be whole lot more difficult and full of unexpected explorations, just as it turned out to be whole lot more difficult to talk to strangers. But this incremental growth idea doesn't let me sleep well. Couple days ago I had an enormous amount of rage welling up to the surface. I left home and started walking on a bridge in circles: one side, back on another and so forth. I was moaning with closed mouth and concentrating on my anger as a flow of impermanence, Leo mentioned this kind of desires in his "Dark Side of Meditation" video. It really helps to calm you down, I discovered the power of moans when I was working on a country side house several miles away from home a year ago, I guess that's why there are some singing exercises in Kriya. On the end of the second circle I found myself singing songs aloud and I felt this precious freedom of not giving a fuck, there was nobody at the bridge sidewalks, but the attention of the drivers made me uncomfortable enough to feel excited. I guess I want to dance in public like an idiot. Overcoming fears is fun and I really enjoyed it and crave for more, but depression kills all the juice completely out of everything and overcoming fears doesn't help with depression. I need to get a fucking job since I don't even have money for condoms, for fucks sake. My medical quest took a lot of headache. I do have varicocele, but it's not severe enough for surgery. I had two visits to an endocrinologist, I had to wait for each for several weeks and then I found out that they have lost my blood tests for thyroid hormones and testosterone, and I'm still waiting for the results of a new one. I came to a conclusion that if it's low testosterone it doesn't make any sense to medicate it with testosterone replacement because it may cause worse consequences than antidepressants. If it's thyroid issues conventional medicine can't do much about it unless it's severe hypothyroidism, which again prompts to antidepressants. I appointed another visit to a psychiatrist and will try to get prescription once again. I better risk developing hypomania and try meds because I need to get my functionality back to deal with my health issues. * In Russian, the word "хуй (hui)" means "cock", so "Tinder-Huinder" in Russian is something like "Tinder-Schminder" in English.

This is the most genuine feminine energy that I have ever seen in my entire life: Also, look what an amazing life purpose she has: She is pioneering our enlightened society. That's what effective spiral wizardy level turquoise really means. Besides that she has big fat heart and came up with a very intelligent approach to manifest that, she's also very beautiful, her husband must be the luckiest man alive. Wow, just wow.

Here are some clarifications on how to do it the right way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHUajtPXPDw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfw_tHC0A9w

Was my previous message not enough? If so, no boyfriend will ever make you believe in yourself if you are not willing to allow it. I listed several reasons why you can't believe in yourself in my previous messages and instead of putting an effort to grasp that you keep repeating that you don't believe that you are enough already for no reason. Keep persisting, stubborn kid. Ain't gonna fight with your irrational self-sabotage. Pew! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ︻╦╤─ <3

If we assume that you are already enlightened but you distract yourself from that we can say that enlightenment is rather unchoice than choice. It seems that we rather choose unawakening than choose awakening, and awakening happens when we let go of choice of unawakening. Although, if we dig deeper those are not two different things, at least this is what tells my unawakened logic.

@Pilgrim Why u so stubborn? Doesn't matter how sloppy your mind is and what a slow and obsessive special cookie you are, you. are. fucking. miraculous. right. fucking. now. no. matter. what. period. Fuck ADD. Fuck what they think about your weirdness. Go ahead, try to argue with that. Find another oh-so-rational reason to explain why you are not good enough. Don't give yourself time to love yourself. Do it now! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ︻╦╤─ <3<3<3

In previous message you mentioned that you feel that you are not good enough because you are behind in your level of skills and in this message you state that it's ADD, it seems that you take it as an axiom "I am not good enough" and when you try to find out "why?" you come up with any random irrelevant reason that is on the surface. Why do you derive your sense of worthiness from comparison to others? Who taught you to think of yourself in that way? Is it possible to feel worthy if you tell yourself that you are unworthy and then rationalize why you are unworthy? You are sticking sticks into your own wheels. Beware of "I'm not good enough, because..." mantra that you keep repeating. Don't deceive yourself. <3

Sure it is, the question is how much trouble it generates, too much to bear or manageable. There's no such thing as utter confidence, even very confident people become insecure at times. Did you try to understand why do you have this belief? Why do you feel you are not good enough? Did somebody convince you in that? Did somebody treat you like you are not good enough? Isn't that the point of relationships? To exchange love, encouragement, acceptance, caring etc.? Although it's not just about a sensitive man, but also conscious and honest. A sensitive man would sugarcoat everything that you do including fuck ups, sensitive and honest will also encourage you to change something that is obviously off. You will never be in front. There will always be someone who is better because we have 7 billion people on Earth. Don't compare yourself to others, only improve to be better than yesterday. -------------------------------------------------- Also be aware that the standard of men that you want may be a result of those men growing in relationships. So if you have little experience how can you expect to have a man that has lot's of it? Isn't it wise to pick someone who has potential and grow together with you than expect that you will get someone who has already grown with other woman? Make sure that your standards are reasonable and are not based on romantic cultural indoctrination that doesn't match with reality.

This is fucking hilarious: https://youtu.be/99h8CpIK8pQ?t=410

You are afraid of water. You force yourself to go to a pool and try to learn to swim over and over and over again, that shit is scary as fuck all the time, but you persist. Then at some point you are not afraid of water anymore, at all, because you overcame this fear a thousand of times. That's spiritual purification in a nutshell: freeing yourself from unreasonable egoic reactions.

For example, if you are an alcoholic you can say that your addiction is over when you can drink without slightest fear of relapse, and then actually not relapse and not even want to. Addiction heals when you heal the reason behind it. Usually it's things like oral fixation, neediness, internalized shame, suppressed anger and fear, in short - suppressed needs and emotions.

Yeah, I guess it might be the case that the only way is right to the root for you, although in my experience when you are depressed this lack of energy and hopelessness distorts your options and makes you believe that nothing's gonna work anymore while there's still might be something. In one interview Shinzen told a story when he recommended electroconvulsive therapy to a woman that was hopelessly depressed and tried everything, and in half a year she emailed him that this procedure gave her ego death, LOL. Another good example is Jordan Peterson and his daughter - they healed their health problems and depression with carnivore diet.

Crying on someone's shoulder. Overcoming a fear. Satisfying a suppressed need. Debunking limiting belief. Aligning yourself with calling. Resolving some conflict with a person. Ending unfulfilling relationships. Quitting a job/business. Getting good friends. There's many possible blocks on the way that suck up your energy. It's a very tricky thing to sort it out, it's not possible to meditate yourself from all of your problems, and it's not easy to spot what makes you stuck, it's very easy to say "oh, everything is shit and that's a sign that I need to get enlightened as soon as possible". It's like becoming successful and famous out of internalized shame that resulted from neglect from your parents - overcompensation. It seems that sometimes depression may be biochemical, sometimes psychological, sometimes as a result of a health problem, or everything at once. So we can't merely call it an ego death symptom all the time.

Shinzen Young doesn't agree on this one, check out this video: https://youtu.be/BQ5B70ac_9M Also check out those two of Ken Wilber: Sometimes there are more effective things to do to accelerate awakening than brutal surrender.

FUCK! I ate some shit that turned out to be made of wheat. I'm gonna fucking die from depression and horror right now. There was no wheat for several months. Universe wants me to learn to read list of ingredients the hard way. *facepalm*

@wavydude Everyone has different potential for developing dependency. Responsible means both of you are able to deal with this factor productively.

I think responsible casual sex (with someone who won't get hooked on you) is fine if you don't have to move your ass for that too much or sacrifice more important things. Although the quality of that sex is questionable, cause if there's no chemistry it's like meh. But at least it's worth trying to realize that it's not worth it and stop daydreaming about it. Believing that you have to become a macho is a trap of low self-esteem. You just need to be able to attract someone for relationships.

If your problem stands on the way of your authentic desire and you avoid dealing with the problem by suppression of the desire and stick spirituallity into that hole - that's the sign of bypass.

Yes, it's very helpful. But it takes some pain in the ass to find a good one. If they're not serious enough it dies very quickly.

I'm very isolated due to the same reason as well, also I live in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't find any legitimate spiritual community in my city. You just can't help it, there are very little people with whom you resonate once you understand what you understand. Here's my advice: Find spiritual friends on retreats, seminars etc. Use loneliness as a purification tool, cry the shit out of your eyes until it doesn't hurt anymore. You can literally meditate on the sense of loneliness, that's just an emotion, don't fight it, let yourself suffer, because there's no way around anyway. Dive deep into psychotherapy and investigate your unconscious patterns if you want to improve your relationships with people. The only legitimate partner in such a situation is the one who is genuinely interested in the same thing. According to what you write you just don't hang out in circles where you can find one. That's just the beginning, there's more to loneliness.

First there was a cell. Then it divided itself into two cells. Then they divided themselves into many cells. Then at some point they combined into organism. First there was pre-dual consciousness. Then it divided itself into object and subject. Then it collapsed this duality into oneness that simultaneously includes duality, just like body is a separate entity and at the same time made out of smaller entities. Also what's interesting is that the higher you are on the spiral the more distinctions there is in consciousness, the more precise ideas are, the more precise distinctions become, until at some point - boom, Truth. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holon_(philosophy)

This is not an ego backlash. Imagine that you are on a space shuttle trying to fly to the moon. You accelerate your shuttle and try to leave the orbit of Earth, you almost succeed but in the last moment your shuttle is being pulled back to the Earth by it's gravitational pool because the speed is not sufficient to leave it. If you date a girl and at some point realize that your relationships don't work, break up with her, but in a couple of weeks you relapse and write her again trying to make it work - this is ego backlash.