Privet

I couldn't fall asleep for over 30 hours yesterday despite exhaustion. The shit is harsh, I wish I could know for sure what exactly is that, if my guess about homeostasis and hormone backslash is true or not. At some moments I suffered so badly that I felt like I'm about to get enlightened, I was spontaneously aware of every damn subtle thought and curious of it's nature. I didn't meditate for two days and noticed that I am way more unconscious. But I'm afraid to start again because the nofap consequence isn't gone, I have some very intense inner impulse, I suppose it's related do dopamine because it's related to motivation therefore I have impulse, and disciplining myself too much in this curcumstances can cause severe backslash. I didn't fap today again. It seems that I have lost attraction to porn. Jokes about dicks and anuses are suddenly not funny for me. Also it seems that my fetishes and sex preferences are gone, usual sex seems attractive enough. It was a really suprising discovery. I still experience benefits on the background also. Aliveness of reality, not being a vegetable in social interactions. I decided that I will do weekly announcements every sunday and make a notification on my phone to not forget, there have to be some sense of course/direction. This week: I keep nofap and daily journaling. I don't have to meditate but if this impulse feeling gets better then I get back to '90 minutes a day', because it fucking works. I will focus on fixing my sleeping pattern. Now I get up at 11-12. I will try to get up at 9 and not miss a day this week, I wish that was 6 but I'm too fucked to make it right away. Can't make any predictions and rules, but I emphasize my attention on that like I did with nofap. I will make two notifications on the phone prior to the time that I have to go to bed, first to handle shit and get ready to go to bed and second to go to bed.

Thank you! Trick with food is good but one of my problems is overeating so I have discovered that many times it's easier to fall asleep when I'm rather a little hungry. Also I believe (guess) that mostly the cause of my inability to fall asleep is the hormone imbalance because of masturbation, especially edging. I don't really have mania problem, meditation calmed this pattern of my behaviour. I can be calm and still not able to sleep. @Akim

I couldn't sleep again and was even more restless than yesterday, I felt like I'm about to hallucinate. I masturbated more and it made my state better but not much. The moral of the story: don't fuck with homeostasis. I'm too addicted to go for such a long streak and my endocrine system backfired on me. SDS multiplied the effect. I guess I will spend this weekend in bed.

@Akim Was it hard to get off sleeping pills? What was your experience with them? My efforts with sleep don't get results for several years. I'm considering to buy ones.

@Akim Thanks. Very similar to my situation. Couple months ago I reached the point where I can't do anything but coping with the consequences of exhaustion.

@Akim You nailed it. I consciously relapsed, did breathing exercises and meditated 1.5 hours. Then I went to my parent's house. They started to criticise me, I was sitting, listening silently and all of a sudden burst out laughing and crying hysterically, I could barely stop. The thing that I feared the most have happened. It hapened partially because of SDS and partially because when I relapse after a long streak I experience very strong emotions, it's some hormone release, intense anger and sadness simultaneously. Last streak of 17 days brought the same emotional release, but there was noone to trigger me and it passed the next day. I didn't take that into account when I went to my parents home. You were right, I wasn't careful enough. I will quit SDS until it gets better and will do handy stuff and go outside for the whole weekend. What personal experience did you have? Could you tell more? Thanks for your advice!

I couldn't fall asleep until 7 in the morning, I lay in bed after last post and practiced mindfulness for several hours on all what was causing suffering. Then I got up and sat another 1.5h. I thought I won't sleep but I went to bed at 10 because it was hell. I woke up with headache and immediately thought about porn and was about to "fuck it all". Then "ok, coping skills first". I took ice cold shower and did 20 minutes of breathing exercises. Craving for porn and pleasure and headeache are gone. I am fairly conscious and don't feel like "fuck it", but last three days consist mostly of coping skills and I can't do shit, can't even read a book for an hour without anger, I am at the brink of nervous laughter almost constantly for 2 days, so I will consciously relapse. No porn, no fantasy, no clinging to pleasure. As fast as possible but three times in a row, cause one won't do shit. Also I will try to be very conscious and get back to coping skills right after that, because my body will crave for more. Fuuuuuuuck...

I was planning conscious relapse (no porn, no fantasies, just fast ejaculation) and write that I will do it because I layed in my bed and thought that my state is too crazy and unbearable. Then my relative called, it distracted me a little and I sat another 1.5h and it worked, state significantly improved. Shit is temporary, don't believe your silly ego. I commit to make this journal my accountability partner, I will tell him if I decide to relapse consciously if the state will turn into very unbearable (it seems quite possible, I'm a little afraid of sudden uncontrollable rage attacks if someone triggers me when I'm unaware of the situation around me) and keep myself away from porn or further masturbation.

@Alex K Privet! Thank you! What you describe is called concentration, training the stability of attention. It's just a part of mindfulness. And it takes effort unless you are very advanced (not forcing though). Mindfulness is translated into russian as "осознанность", so it's fairly broad term as you can see. The main technique is called labeling (google Shinzen Young, he's developer of that). I guess in this video Leo explains the essense of it. Regarding the progress: I started concentration practice out of curiousity in 2014 and didn't have a regular habit, but one day I tried to concentrate for one hour as hard as I can and had very plausible experience of empty mind that shocked me. Since that moment I tried to recreate that state (only by concentration, didn't know other techniques) for 2 years, sometimes sitting up to 11 hours, but still didn't have any consistency. I started regular practice only 1.5 years ago from 1h a day and then 1.5h after couple of months, and still I had some gaps during this year, especially this fall, I was very depressed and miserable. I'm 23.

@tinB Forgive your parents, focus on becoming better. Criticising them back is useless, you will only continue this negative loop of blaming instead of getting better and happier. It's impossible to be happy and blame.

I suspect that this restlessness is not nofap consequence but rather first signs of spring fever. We are 20 days away from the longest night in the year. Will see how it goes.

You can measure you meditation skills: Concentration power (stability of attention + ability to keep it expanded or contracted + ability to move it intentionally) Sensory clarity (what part of the sensory experience is in your conscious perception, and what is not) Equinimity (can you shoot your leg and not suffer because of the pain?) You can measure how many awakening experiences you have had. You can measure how disidentified you have become from your mind and body. You can measure how much of your unwanted behaviour and habits you have reduced. You can measure how happy and fulfilled you are.

I did not masturbate, watch porn or fantasize about sex for 21 days despite that I usually did it several times a day for years (with some exceptions). My hormones are killing me. I am restless, spaced out, angry, depressed, agitated, unsatisfied, dumb. I could barely sit 1.5 hours today. I did breathing exercises several times, physical exercises, I was beating the rope in the middle of the room to relief anger and tension, I was sitting and rocking, beating one palm by another to get rid of craving for masturbation. I'm fucked. I am fucked. Fucked I am. Fucked. Fucked. Fuck. Fucked. I am fucked. Fucked. Fucking fucked. Fucked am I. Am I fucked. Yes. I am fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked.

Probably this is a result of your parents criticizing you too much in your childhood. You got used to think that you are "bad" because of this. People-pleasing behaviour is happening because you are afraid of rejection and depend on people opinions because you didn't get approval from parents, so you unconsciously seek it in other people and afraid that they will criticize you too. Before you break the habit you have to investigate it very carefully. To do so you need to develop self-awareness by practicing mindfulness meditation. When your self-awareness will grow you will start to notice eventually how you fear rejection and critics when you interact with people, you will notice also how you are trying to appear "better" because you used to think that you are "bad" or "not good enough". How you limit yourself and can't let be foolish and silly because deep down you belive that everyone will judge. And when you will become very aware of your behaviour and how does this make you feel you will understand that it doesn't pay and useless, so your habit will partially fall apart and partially you will prevent useless patterns of behaviour. Also read this thread and watch this, this and this video.

In the morning 1.5h I concentrated very diligently on my depression and then I was trying to concentrate on the present moment whole day and it made me very restless by the evening, especially after attentively reading a book. Then I did 1.5 hours of do-nothing. That shit was impressive! I was laughing nervously, cried, made stupid faces, spontaneously dropped into whispering mantra loop made of distorted sounds of last thought, then that mantra became simpler (some parts were reduced) and eventually I became very quiet and alert. Monkey mind is not a metaphor, it's fucking real!

Nofap ok. SDS 3hrs. Tomorrow I will probably lack good sleep so I gotta be careful not to relapse because being tired increases the probability of it. I'm getting a little bit used to withdrawals but they still make me very unconscious at times. I have to do 20-40 minutes of breathing exercises 2-4 times a day to bring myself back to earth.

SDS and Nofap ok.

SDS and nofap done. I felt so alive today, everything seems so vibrant and beautiful. That's my brain getting back to normal after years of addiction.

I did hundreds of 1.5h sits in 2017 and it's not causing too much discomfort anymore, I find it a perfect duration at my current skill level, 1h is where the sugar appears and 2h is a little too much. I don't really chase numbers exept for "at least 90 minutes a day", those 6-4 hours a day I did just for fun because I felt like it and because it works. When I sit and start practicing I first relax, then I become aware of my state and try to find the best object of concentration, the most bright feeling. Right now most of the time it's the sense of heaviness that is a result of nofap. If I feel blurry and foggy I force myself to concentrate very extensively on the sensations inside my nostrils, resistance and numbness arises and it becomes my new object of concentration. The reason of brain fog is that this tension/resistance/impatience/numbness is scattering your attention and make you blurry because it stays on the background of your consciousness, when you force yourself to concentrate it becomes obvious and you can start to focus on that, so you need to track "brain-fog-feeling" before you can make an object/subject distinction. If I feel depressed or angry I concentrate on that too, trying to percieve it in great detail. Go ahead! Don't just think that you need to quit (and then forget it next day), make a tangible intention, I hung up a calendar on my wall on the most visible spot and mark days each time when I meditate or finish a day with no relapse. Good luck! Thanks for reading me.

I've got some insane brain fog when I was trying to fall asleep yesterday and insomnia, I couldn't even concentrate at anything at all, not even present moment. Seems like some hormone rollback, but I'm not sure. It also affected today, I have been postponing meditation until evening and just spent whole day in entertainment. Also I have nervous laughter again. I listened to a part of Shinzen's "Science of Enlightenment" and found there an interesting object of concentration - the sense of relaxation. When you concentrate on it there a feedback loop appears, the more you concentrate on it the more you relax, the more you relax the more you get involved in that. I tried to practice this way today, and the beginning it kinda worked but evenrually I became aware of the brain fog and it's so intense that it makes it easier to concentrate on it rather than relaxation sensation. I guess if you are so fucked that you can't concentrate whatsoever you should choose a larger object like present moment, whole body, depression etc.

I've had some 'it's all just insanity' experiences, very heavy ones. It usually happens when I meditate a lot. But when I come back to my senses I always think about the alternative of spirituality, if you will do what most of people do you will end up where most of people end. Take insanity in little portions! Don't overdose!

SDS 1.5h x 2. Nofap ok.

Nofap ok. SDS ok. I wake up in good mood for 2 days, nice.

Savoring means perceiving object non-stop in realtime like it's something new. If you would see a falling asteroid you would look at it very attentively and not miss a second. That's savoring. Put your effort to make mindfulness work rather than looking for the best technique. They all work, at least those that Leo explained. But only if you practice them diligently.