Cepzeu

Just some more background for context. I am tall and above average looks (according to others), lean muscular build, intelligent, and with good career prospects. So where's the problem. I migrated to the country I'm currently in at a young age and essentially because of many factors such as bullying, parenting, etc. I developed very poor self-esteem, I was incredibly shy, and socialising was very difficult for me. I had anxiety around people and still do to some degree (although much less thanks to personal development). In my home country I was a perfectly normal kid and had absolutely no problem socialising. The "trauma" from my childhood after moving is still something that I am working on and trying to get over, and it affects me to this day. So currently I'm fresh out of a relationship and I've been reassessing my life over the past few weeks. My main focuses for the next couple of years will be life purpose and developing social mastery through pickup/relationship building. I want to get to my 30s being completely at ease with interpersonal interaction, because this has been a huge anchor for me in life. Finally, I've had enlightenment experiences as detailed here: ...and deep down I understand this is all a dream and I am god. But now I am playing this character of Cepzeu who is a 24 year old single person now haha, and I'm gonna have fun with it and enjoy the journey. Everything is ultimately meaningless and there is nowhere to get to. So I'm going to dive deep and experience all that life has to offer to this avatar I am in.

@lostmedstudent So.... After months of doubts and fear, I decided to pull the plug. I broke up with her about 2 weeks ago. It was a very difficult thing to initiate. The breakup spread over a few days, I wanted to let her down easy. It started with me talking about my feelings and how I didn't feel connected or close to her. We then went on a few dates over the next couple of days just to sort of be in this joined mindspace of "this might actually be happening" Then I initiated the final conversation to talk about breaking up. It lasted for 4 hours and there were a lot of emotions. I won't go into the details because it will take too long, but essentially the reasons were lack of connection, conflicting personality types, insecurity, and unclear logistics of a future together (we're studying in different cities with high potential for needing to move around the country at the start of our careers). I called her the next day just to check up on her. We discussed how we need to take the week off to just deal with the emotions. I called her at the end of the week to check on her again and we decided to not connect with each other at all for a month and then reassess whether we want to stay friends etc. At this point I do not think I will ever get back with her in a committed relationship ever, but I'm open to staying as friends. Overall, I felt shitty for the first day being single, but to be honest, I've been feeling relieved, free, hopeful, and have generally been in a really good headspace. I'm enjoying the freedom, and I think that facing my fear and pulling the plug will end up being a huge positive in my life overall, despite being so hard to do. Also, this is the first breakup I've had. I's been a 4 year relationship, and I'm currently 24. I'm looking forward to the future. I may or may not update this further but this might be helpful for those in a similar situation. If you are in your first relationship and want to break up but are afraid to, just know that it's ok to have those feelings, that it can be done amicably, and that you don't really lose that person forever, things just change. I don't have any regrets about breaking up at this point.

TL:DR - thinking of breaking up with my gf of 4 years because of value and personality mismatch, feeling emotionally distant from her, and not wanting to be 'tied-down' or committed to her. Also not sure if she could handle being the mother of my children. Hey everyone, I'm posting this here just because this has been on my mind for a long time and I would really appreciate the advice from someone who has experienced this. I have been dating my gf for around 3.5 years and over this time we have had many experiences together. She is my first long term partner and I met her at 20. She is a year older. Over time we have both grown in positive ways, but I have to say that my progress has been significantly quicker than hers. She has a background of being raised by an abusive and cold grandmother who would constantly belittle her. Consequently, she has episodes of depression and anxiety. At one point, during a difficult academic year for her she slipped into suicidal thinking and more frequent episodes of depression, sometimes also coming home and having panic attacks. This was about 1.5 years ago and I felt the need to be her rock. Unfortunately, I did all the emotional caring for her at this time and she was not seeing a councillor nor taking any medications. I felt way out of depth here, especially with her being suicidal on a weekly basis, but in my infinite wisdom I didn't tell anyone else or seek help for my psychological health, I just decided to solve this on my own. She is better now and is studying towards a PhD, but I have felt very distant from her emotionally since her difficult year. I feel like this was a defence mechanism from me to prevent myself slipping into depression. That coupled with my spiritual growth as well as her less frequent by still persistent anxiety and low self esteem make me feel more distant - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She has low self-esteem and low confidence from her upbringing and while this has improved over time with meditation and exercise, because I have been meditating for longer and more frequently, our growth has been asymmetrical. I don't mean to sound arrogant but the emotional blocks and problems she is dealing with now, I have dealt with and overcome a few years ago, and this sets up a very weird dynamic, where I feel like I am a parent talking to a teenager (she is a beautiful person, I don't mean to belittle her, this is just how it feels). Because this is my first relationship, I feel like it can be so much better. I have tried exposing her to meditation and other exercises, but I feel she doesn't see the urgency or importance of them, she knows a lot about her condition because her PhD is in psych but there is little implementation and transfer of her knowledge to her well-being. I've learned that It's not up to me for her to change, its up to her. I see how other girls are more confident and it makes me regret getting into this relationship, especially at such a young age. I also regret losing touch with my friends because of having solely cared for her and withdrawing from my work and other commitments. I am feeling trapped and have been considering breaking up for 2 years. But it has taken me this long to build up the confidence to admit that to myself, previously i just thought that everything would be fine, but its not fine and I've not been true to myself in terms of how I feel. There have been two times where we were on the brink of breaking up, and my instinct was shouting "BREAK UP" but I think i was scared to admit that to myself and just decided to continue and hope that things would get better. I admit that that was my lack of courage and low self-esteem at the time. But its getting to the point where i am considering my future more seriously and thinking about marriage and children in the future. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to marry her or move in with her, and I don't like the idea of her being a mother with her emotional state. I also plan to be a surgeon and am looking for someone who is confident with solving problems and being comfortable in their own skin, which she is not. She frequently needs validation from me, and asks me what she should do in terms of career and interacting with other people. She also has a poor relationship with her parents where there is little emotionality or warmth, her parents also don't speak english and i have not met them yet as I understand the parents are racist and only want an asian guy for her, which tbh I cannot be bothered dealing with. I don't care enough to kiss their asses, mostly because I know that they damaged her with poor parenting. I have recently discussed with her the idea of self-love and self-acceptance after she had a moment of insecurity. I discussed how the universe accepts her exactly as she is and that to move through her pain she needs to see that it is ok to be herself (which is antagonistic to what she experienced in her upbringing). These insights i gained from a trip and have immensely helped me be more accepting of myself and helped me accept that I'm not happy in this relationship, and haven't been for a few years. I noticed that I see song lyrics and messages about breaking up a lot, which means its on my mind. I feel guilty for wanting to break up because I know how painful it will be for her and I still love her and don't want to hurt her. But I recently watched a video where the main point was that if you don't break up with someone you don't want to be with, you will become unkind and resentful the more time you spend with them, and you will subconsciously make them know that you don't love them even if you get married and stay together for many years. And I don't want to do that to her. Also she is 24 and I don't want to drag this out and break up when she is older and has fewer dating opportunities. I'm currently doing long distance with her and she is a 5h drive away. I plan to see her every 3 weeks but this distance has helped me figure out what is true to me. I guess I'm just posting here because I feel afraid of making the wrong choice and also hurting her. I don't know if I'm being selfish but the longer I stay in this relationship the more resentful I get and I've recently started thinking about breaking up as I try to fall asleep at night. Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Thank you for reading and I hope anyone who has gone through a breakup could have some advice.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It can be challenging growing up with privilege because you are given a lot of things that other's work their whole lives for, and you see the emptiness in them and other pursuits. You mentioned wanting to become infinitely powerful and allowing others to do the same. I think it's important to challenge yourself and grow. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. And then to teach others to do the same. You lack motivation because your life is too comfortable right now. Also, in my experience, life takes on more meaning when someone depends on you. Such as a pet, child, or student.

As Leo said, you simply lack experience. I went through a very similar thing. I didn't ejaculate the first 5-6 times I had sex because I was so nervous and self-conscious. This is a big deal for you and you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and forming high expectations. This is completely normal and will go away with time to where it becomes no big deal and you can just enjoy yourself. Give yourself permission to be awkward, practice self-love, gain experience.

Beautiful illustration of our relative points of view. This man talks about his experience of the modern world after spending the majority of his life in prison.

@Hawkins, you realize that you create all of those ideas. Outside of your consciousness of them, they don't exits. When you reach godhead you realize that without you creating them, they don't exist. You create those fictions and the stories surrounding them to give yourself a sense of then-and-now, here-and-there, this-or-that. However there is only infinite Now. Once you become aware of infinite Now, you will realize all those questions are silly and that you made them all up. There's no one here other than you.

Interesting, I must have missed them. Not all the video notes were written by me. I assume it was a formatting error of some sort. I did find a few of those types of errors when I did my first edit but I don't think the spell checker picked these up.

Very similar insights to what I got on my second ever trip. It was traumatizing. This happened about 6 months ago and I still have memories of that time, but they are fading. The good news is that since you create everything, you can create a world where there are others and partition your consciousness so that theirs is inaccessible to you. The question of whether others have consciousness or are they just mindless zombies came up to me. Initially I thought no they don't, as I am the only consciousness. But now I feel like the true answer is "I don't know". The beauty is that everyone is very different. You congeal back into your ego and lose the power of omniscience. So truthfully you don't know whether other's have consciousness, but practically it makes sense to play the game as though they do. The other aspect of my realizations was the knowing that my current amnesia and struggle is the highest form of love. Me not-knowing is a feature, not a flaw of the game. Survival and the human's associated limits and weaknesses are the game. At first it seems like what's the point in playing if you know everything. But later you discover that because you are infinity, you cannot know yourself fully outside of direct experience. So even in god consciousness, knowing is only possible through being. You are so powerful that you created an infinity universe so big that it will take you infinity to explore it. Again, the beauty of this is "I don't know". I can only know by being. So by being in human consciousness, it is all you know. God consciousness is not accessible to you in your current state - all out of love. Another facet of love is constant challenge. You may have noticed that even though you think you are all alone and you know everything and all is nihilistic (how I thought initially), creation still surprises you. Your fridge breaks, you bump into a stranger on the street in need of something, a cat runs up to you for a cuddle. In human consicousness you cant predict these things because you are limited. The beauty of this is the possibility to experience something new. The further beauty of thsi si that you are infinite, so there is always something to experience and you will always have something to experience. The FURTHER beauty of this is that since you are creating reality, your lack of consciousness as a human is real. Your human existence and suffering and aim of survival is real. Outside of real there is nothing. You activated the god mode cheat in the game and saw that it lost its fun. BUT when you were in god mode you didn't experience the full game world, you just experienced a level of the game in god mode. Now you restarted the game and decide to play it without cheats and go to explore the places you haven't explored. In my experience, God cannot know its infinitude through being, it can only know it through insight (i.e. the suspicion that it is infinite) because being means form, and form is always limited. That is the beautiful strange loop. God is infinite and all powerful but because its so infinite it has to explore ALL of itself to know itself. The only way you can explore is through duality (i.e. limited forms). So it's a paradox. You are all powerful, but to know yourself you have to step down into the world of limitation and duality. Why? Out of Love.

Hey everyone, I've had a few private messages about updates for the textbook. You are all welcome to edit the textbook. It's been designed as an open document for the benefit of the community. The only requirement it to make sure page numbers are synced and that you mention changes/updates in the change log, and give yourself the appropriate credit by adding your name next to the changes. Also feel free to message others who are interested and make the update a group project! I've very happy you are all getting some benefit from it and would love to contribute more, but i'm tied up with some personal projects at this time.

@Mvpjouney I can empathise with you on this as I am going through similar feelings for a similar reason. The best thing I've found that helps is just taking a break from spirituality for a while. You are a creator, so take time figuring out what you would like to create and go do that. When you get lost in your creation you can return to spirituality ? I had a big awakening around 5 months ago. Haven't practiced any meditation or yoga etc since then. All heals with time, trust me.

Short interview with New Zealand gang member highlighting stage red beginning to see its own limits.

Yeah everything is pretty much back to normal here apart from international travel

@Roy + 1 to quitting coffee. I only drank 1 cup per day but noticed a heavy late morning brain fog most days. Tried eating breakfast and not eating breakfast and varying sleep hours, didn't help. After 1 week off caffeine (eliminated tea as well), brain fog no longer occurred and I felt like I had a steady energy until about 7 pm at night. The best way to quit is to get a coffee substitute. Most grocery stores sell them. I can recommend cereal beverages such as Inka, or Caro, or alternatively Dandelion tea. Still get the taste but not the caffeine

Hehehe this thread

The only reason for awakening is for understanding yourself. Once you awaken, you stop suffering so much because you realize the illusory nature of everything and you loosen your attachments. When illusory suffering ceases, everything becomes good (or I should say everything is realised as being good already). Paradoxically, to know yourself you have to divide yourself. Hence, you divide yourself and form attachments and desires etc. and you suffer. But the suffering is recontextualized as a big never-ending game.

@Winny The words you are reading right now are just shapes and colours. You construct meaning out of these shapes and colours. A brain is the same. You look at a bunch of pink stuff and you project a whole story onto it. "eufhwefans" means little to you because you are not projecting anything onto it, maybe the thought "gibberish" "eating faeces" means a lot to you because you attribute a meaning to this string of colours and shapes. But note that you are doing that. The colours and shapes "eating faeces" has no inherent quality outside of what you project onto it. A brain is just some pink stuff. The whole story of how there are neural connections and they allow you to experience pain etc. is your projection. A cute story that you tell yourself to create your reality. You've never deeply questioned why you believe that in the first place. Hope that helps

AHAHAHAHAHAA, I'm dying imagining this. Beautiful report

Beautiful ❤️

Why do you pursue it?

Hey guys, here are some trip notes from yesterday. This was my second, and honestly I felt like the inner workings of the universe were explained to me. I was omniscient for most of it. This is my first time communicating this and I'm having a hard time even knowing how to begin writing this. Most of this stuff you would've heard in some form or another. I won't mention the substance or dose for privacy reasons but know that it is one of the classics and the dose was quite low. I was in my room by myself. I had quite a bit of anxiety at the start of this trip because in my first one I saw demons appear out of the darkness with my eyes closed, which freaked me out for a while (even though the first trip was very low dose). This time I felt a much heavier body load - it felt like there was a lot of pressure around me, and I was quite nauseous. I went to lie down in bed and cover myself in blankets to lessen the nausea, i had my notebook out and this is where the main part of the trip began. I felt like my mind was expanding and there was an element of my ego/avatar self asking questions and me as the godhead answering myself as well. This was very energetically powerful. It felt like I was downloading universal consciousness through myself, which made my body dissolve and expand into universal mind. This next part can be conceptualised as the godhead communicating through my avatar but in reality I was just talking with myself as God. Some of it will not make sense and most of it cannot be communicated. For clarity bold indicated my avatar asking a question, italics is the godhead answering, and (normal text in parentheses) is my interpretation or some additional notes. In response to: What am I? What is reality? I want to see myself Reality is just me, I'm just playing, there is no one else here. (There was more to this answer but that is the main takeaway, the godhead then proceeded to show off itself with infinite patterns, and though it was adoring itself in the mirror ) I am me expressing my infinity. just be playful, that's all there is to do I can become whatever I set my mind to (referring to itself) Stop questioning yourself so much, you can decide how you want to be (referring to my avatar), express your truth and everything will fall into place (I add the smileys to communicate the tone of the godhead, it was very playful, kind of like a joker) Reality is just me playing with other aspects of myself. No one is getting hurt or can get hurt as there's only me and I can't be hurt. I am all the evil and the good, the scariest and the loveliest, I am you and everything else. I'm just playing with myself and having fun as everything and every possible being or version of it till infinity and forever. (at this point I was shown visions of demons and murder but to the godhead this was playful. The person being murdered and the murderer both just dissolved back into infinity, ready to act out some other scenario - there was no judgement placed on the actions. The demons were also from my past trip but this time they had a sense of playfulness about them, like they put on a mask to freak me out but it was like a kid doing it at halloween for fun, rather than a malicious evil spirit) I am you, you can call on me at any time Everything you think I am not, I am that. I am god, this is me, I am everything You are a part of me and can live however you want, that is the freedom I give to you. You can do whatever you want, you will always return. (This reinforced how no matter what happens, you will always return to infinity. We like to call Hitler evil, but all the Nazi's and everyone who was murdered realised they are infinite love upon death, so to say. We could say that Hitler was acting out of love as an expression of infinite possibility, and that ultimately, he had to exist to maximise love across the universe. God allows "evil" to exist because it loves itself so much. to where? to nowhere when? why does it matter? *chuckles* why was my last trip so terrifying? there were parts of myself I wasn't accepting you have to love ALL OF IT But ultimately I love myself because I am Me. When will I see you [again]? You always see me because I am in everything We all have limitations because that is what separates us but ultimately you are all me. Why would I hide anything from you? You asked for it. It's just You here, talking to Yourself. I am choosing to experience you at this time out of love. (at this point I feel like I am trying to contract back into the ego-self from the godhead, like my personhood is trying to re-form) (Also at this point I am considering how I will communicate these insights on the forum) You (the ego self) is seeking approval by posting on the forum. What is [my name]? EVERYTHING AND NOTHING HAHAHAHAhahahahahah....... All I'm doing is just trying to awaken That is it. It's all just me, it's pointless to try communicate it. What is time? (as soon as I ask this I realise the concept of time is absurd - more on this later). to separate you or I is absurd, I am One. you are just playing yourself for the fun of it. There's nothing else to do than to experience myself. It's meeee experiencing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee What should I say to the others? I am all me, I am... I am meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you are all meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm me but struggling to understand The mind can't grasp non-duality it's all done out of love There is no evil, there is only playing with myself. Infinite loop trying to understand itself It's all an infinite playground [What is] death? You will always return to love via love through love All fear boils down to not accepting parts of yourself, pain and suffering are just more infinity Evolve yourself until you experience me as you ("me" and "you" were the same thing in this sentence, it's self referential, talking to itself) Mind is always trying to grasp new experience but it is always a step behind I am all by myself You want a sense of personhood because it gives you something to strive for. (you also want time because it allows you to contextualise reaching your goals and to appreciate the goodness that comes out of struggle) It's an infinite playground That is it. You don't want it You want to live in illusions. You don't want the truth But you take the understanding and must pass it along. (it was at this point I realised how alone I was as the god head, it was the ultimate existential pain, I feel like my ego wanted to share things on the forum but I realised that it's pointless because I am all there is and I already know the things that i want to share. I also realised how I am Leo, sharing on this platform to awaken other aspects of myself to myself, but ultimately I am everything and everyone on this forum and you are all me) (I also realised that ultimately everything will eventually experience itself as good, it doesn't matter if it takes one second or 100 billion years. You will experience god eventually. What this means is that you cannot lose at life, at all. No matter what actions you take, you cannot lose. You can choose to technologically transform the world and save humanity or you can choose to rape and murder everyone, set off a nuke, and then mutilate your body until you bleed out. Neither will lose, both will see god eventually.) You are free to act how you see fit. You are loved. Everything trying to understand itself through limited points of view. (this was accompanied by an understanding that god splits itself up into may limited forms and places them under limited conditions (such as all the organisms living on the earth, orbiting one sun with 24 hours in a day etc.) so that they can understand various aspects of reality from their limited point of view. God can't do this as infinity because it is one, it must separate itself into two to know itself. Kind of like how you need to have a mirror to see your eyes, you can't see them otherwise. A constant tug and pull trying to maximise love a push and pull between freedom and restraint that tries to maximise love for all. (this pointed out how god is forever trying to separate itself into more and more "children" and allowing them to play in the universal sandpit, there are some children that are so mischievous that they disproportionately hoard love for themselves (as ego's/devils) that god has to kill them off. But ultimately killing off one of your own children can maximise love for all the other children so to say.) (also at this point I understood how a parent sees their child, even though I don't have kids. There is a constant push and pull between protecting them but also giving them the freedom to express themselves, for example you let them play on the playground even though they might get a bruise on their knee but you wouldn't let them run out into busy traffic. Or you would like your daughter to experience love form a guy, but you are also weary that too much freedom for guys leads to exploitation and harm for girls, so there is a constant tug and pull to try and maximise love by balancing freedom and restraint) Anyway, I think that is all I can remember right now. This is only really 20-30% of what I actually experienced. The other stuff is either incommunicable or just too difficult to remember. Let me know if you guys have any questions, I will try to answer a few important ones but really I am going to try recover from this as it was hugely energetically draining, and I think I am going to be depressed for a few weeks after this so I'm going to put my mind on other things for a while.

@Leo Gura do you mean striving for god-realisation 24/7? Do you have a video that talks about what to do after first awakening that elaborates on what you said?

That is slightly tangential to OP's post as that delves into reality-making. Nevertheless, that is what you are doing all the time to create your reality . But on a more surface level, if they are conscious that they are stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence then they will deep down know their belief isn't solid, they are lying to themselves. If they are unconsciously stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence, that is ignorance. Most people are doing the latter. Gullibility is simply blind trust.

Someone who is open-minded is able to hold new information as plausible and does not automatically discount it given their prior experience. In other words, they are open to something unusual being the case, even if it clashes with their current paradigm of life. They do not take this on as a belief, they are willing to investigate the idea with direct experience. Someone who is gullible takes on an idea or belief as being true simply from persuasion by others. Example: Flat-earth: Open minded person: Well, I've been told that the earth is round, but is it possible that the earth is really flat? For instance, I feel that the earth is flat, but I may not have all the evidence to know for sure. Let me have a look at the different arguments around these two views and the evidence presented. (Possibly in the future) Let me fly out to space and see whether the earth is round or flat. I could be deluded in thinking the earth is round. To be honest, I've never really questioned where my idea of a round earth came from. Let me hold these two views as possibilities until I have more evidence to point me to the truth of the matter. Gullible person: The earth is flat because that's what my dad told me. Everyone in my village knows that the earth is flat. Why would it be round???? It feels flat.

You are running away from doing the work to make your life better. Go take a cold shower. Shorten your time horizon. Make small changes. Visualise what you want your life to look like in 6 months. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to quit porn. If it happens it happens, try to do it less frequently. It will naturally fall away when your life improves. Acceptance and self-love will take you a long way