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Everything posted by Emerald
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In a relationship, of course. That's a very mutual dynamic. But in the courtship phase, it's really important to avoid over-functioning and over-giving.
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Just to clarify a bit on that bit about being too cold. You could also over-sort. Lots of women run into this issue where they're operating only with their mind and they have a laundry-list of qualities that they want their partner to have. So, that's where you also end up getting disconnected from heart-centeredness... which doesn't work well as it applies something concrete and logical to something much more intuitive and nuanced. Like, it's good to have deal-breakers and boundaries and to sort for compatibility. But 80% of that information will come intuitively through human-to-human interaction and all the subtle micro-expressions and gestures he makes and in the sound of his voice.
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This isn't something that needs to be thought about or orchestrated too much, but it can be good to keep in mind as a mechanism for sorting out men who aren't engaging you as a Lover and who just want access to low-investment girlfriend benefits from a woman he finds attractive but has no deeper love for. And the relationship will just go in the man as lover, woman as beloved dynamic naturally if it's a secure relationship and the woman has sorted well so as to avoid low-investment suitors... and the affections will even out quite a bit over time where there is oscillation between lover and beloved between both partners. It's just more polarized in the beginning. So, it's not so much that you'd need to stay in the Beloved role to make the guy stay there... though being in the Feminine Beloved mode in relation to him helps the bonding. Even highly invested men will eventually give up and be repelled if a woman can't connect to her Feminine around him. But this whole approach is very hands-off about what men do, as that is not within the scope of the woman's control. And any attempt to try to make him stay or commit, is just going into the Masculine and trying to control and manipulate. So, that is not a power that women possess. The power the women possess is the sorting of the wrong ones to open up space for the right ones. That's why developing sensitivity and discernment and to tuning deeply into your boundaries and feelings of disgust is really helpful as a woman... as you can sort better when your palate is more sensitive. So, the guy will stay if he wants to. And the guy will leave if he doesn't want to. The woman has no control over this. But if she stays in her Beloved during the courtship process and minds her boundaries and focuses on WHAT she wants in a relationship as a priority over WHO she wants in a relationship, then she will sort out the low investment guys who want to have the benefits of having a girlfriend without engaging in the heart-openness of Lover mode. But if you go into Masculine Lover mode as a woman during the courtship process, you will tend to try to keep an un-invested man sticking around when you should better sort him. And low-investment aloof men are operating in the Feminine toward the woman. So, this is what tends to awaken the Masculine Lover in the first place because she senses him as a goddess on a pedestal that she must impress and woo through attraction strategies, wearing make-up, sex, cooking for him, cleaning for him, nurturing him, and just giving to him. She becomes the Masculine Lover trying to win the Feminine Beloved's affections. But men are not swayed by this in the way that women are. A man can woo a woman... but a woman cannot woo a man. It's either there or it isn't for the man, and there is not way to control, manipulate, or persuade his feelings. So, if you stay in the frame of the Beloved during courtship... you just have to sort those guys from consideration because they'll either hang around and waste your time, or leave you, or cheat on you.
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I think my post triggered up some insecurities in him... so I think he was trying to make me feel how my post made him feel by trying to convince me that men only sleep with the hottest women. But he picked the most unrealistic way to try to do that.
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You're welcome. That's definitely a common pattern. And I think it's because we tend to learn about our own sexuality and dating dynamics through a male lens. So, we get hyper-focused on attraction... when that doesn't actually help us out with the skills we need to develop to sort.
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This one is a difficult one to navigate... because open-hearted and inexperienced women tend to fall more quickly into the Masculine Lover role because it feels exciting and there's an illusion of having more control. The way that this one is sorted is to learn to take things slow at the outset of the relationship before jumping feet-first into it... and to learn not take those crushy feelings too seriously as some magical indicator of relationship fitness... and instead to get really realistic about where those feelings are actually coming from. And it's usually one of two place... The first is that it's a reactivation of childhood trauma and familial patterns. The second is that he's not reliable or predictable, so there is anxiety that is being perceived as desire, excitement, and longing. And neither of those tend to be an indicator of a good relationship to come. So, it's a matter of working through these patterns in general so that they have less of a pull... and learning to cultivate enough sensitivity to one's own boundaries to get bored and disenchanted with low investment. And it's also about becoming more sensitive to your own boundaries, so that you're naturally not so easily persuadable because of this or that or the other feeling that arises.
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My advice on this is just to socialize with women... and people in general. Eventually, if you make a human-to-human connection a woman will reciprocate your feelings... and things can develop from there. Now, you can try pick-up. But I do recommend sorting for it because it's spammy attention. And there are better sources to pull from that are more intertwined in her social circle.
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That's a good one too. If you can find like a context... like a book club or something like that, you can sort for guys who have similar interests. Though I probably wouldn't use dating apps if I should end up single ever again. I need to get a sense of what the rhythm of his personality is. That gives off a lot of information.
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So, those men are weak because they were attracted to me? I think they're just heterosexual men and that that's what heterosexual men are wired up biologically to do. I'm an average woman... and the average woman is attractive in the eyes of the average man. But no one is saying what you have to do. You don't have to sleep with average women. If you want to go out and only have sex with 10s, then make merry about it. But weren't you the one saying that you were struggling to have any women attracted to you? Seems like you're so attached to that idea that you're not open to connecting with women who would like you.
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This is pure fantasy. You can't kid me on this. I've lived almost 36 years as an average female human being. So, I know a bit about what men's standards are. And I have had SOOO many guys try to get me in bed. It happens all the time to women. I've also known plenty of women who are less attractive than I am that never had an issue attracting a good partner... let along getting laid down on a bed by some guy.
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You're welcome! That's interesting because I also say something similar to that... that women die more often than men (for this very reason). So, we're better at dying than them.
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That's definitely not the case for most men. Men actually aren't very picky with looks at all... especially the ones who make better romantic partners. Men like the idea of being with a very beautiful woman, of course. But they don't fall in love with looks. Also, take it from me. I'm a very average middle aged woman, and I've never had any issues with attracting and keeping the affection of my romantic partners. I've had hundred of men who've been interested in me in my life over the years. But definitely men have more room for improvement attraction-wise, because they need to develop themselves more to avoid being sorted and to establish a relationship with a woman. A guy can be a 10 in looks but come across totally ugly if he's got certain deficits. Or a guy can be a 5 in looks but through personality development, he can improve his way to being like 7. For women, we are as attractive as we are. We don't get any more attractive. But we don't need to improve our attractiveness to secure a good partner. We just need to get really good at sorting from the men who are interested... as the interest is already a foregone conclusion.
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That's where you're wrong. Men need to focus on attracting women... as that is not a given. But women need to focus on sorting men as women already attract men just purely on the basis of being women. So, the task is to sort the wheat from the chaff, so that you're able to get together with a compatible man. And you'll especially want to sort guys from consideration who are only selecting you based on physical beauty.
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You mentioned in an earlier thread a line that went something like 'what do I need to rape girls to get laid?' Given that that's twice that you're bringing up rape, please do not use this line of reasoning that you're entertaining in this thread to muddy the ethical waters for yourself to justify raping someone. In a court of law, these intellectual logic gymnastics will not work as a good defense.
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I've definitely told my partner similar things before when I'm stressed/overwhelmed or I want to have some fun and lose my agency for an hour or two. But if it were an ongoing dynamic, it wouldn't be fun or relieving. It would just be hiding from life and stagnating... not truly blooming.
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It might seem harsh, but look around the world. And you will see that it's just a practical safety concern. You would think similarly if you were a woman. There's so much misunderstanding that so many men have about women... and when you misunderstand something, you will fear and harm that something. And it's not a mistake that women recoil at men who openly talk about these thoughts and feelings. It's just a smart move. What's worse is that the men that think like this are so certain that they're correct. They're like a full cup that can't be poured into. And they get mean and gang up... and they let their true colors show when you challenge them on it. So, it's genuinely good for men to communicate as loudly and proudly as possible what they're thinking about women. It's better if they tell on themselves. But of course what you say is true about them saying "Don't tell women x." and then "telling women x" as they're saying that. It's just a a game to big themselves up as the 'logical ones that know better and can handle harsh truths'... but it's just a mixture of a lot of them sucking their own dicks and licking their wounds together as a salve for their own loneliness.
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I have my own community.... a YouTube channel with nearly 70k subs. And I don't school them. It would be an irresponsible to relate to them in that way as people are incredibly impressionable. So, I'm incredibly careful about what I share with my audience and how I share it, as I know it can cause so much harm. And that's why I'm hard on Leo... as he has a larger audience. Yet, he often doesn't consider how much power his words have over his audience. So, no. I don't even have the urge to school my audience because my audience is full of bright deep-thinking individuals that I see as my equals. I only come on here to argue at willing targets... because I sometimes require a safe space to spar with people. It's all in good fun. But I would never do it on my own platform as it could really harm people.
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I don't agree with that. It's important to know how a sizable portion of the male population are thinking about women. If you don't know it... you can't sort for it?
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Well said.
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I'm addressing this to multiple guys on this thread who seem to think that "such a woman answer" is such a zinger... Stop being dicks. You're not clever.
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And which cartoon character are you?
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Leo has a lot of really deep perspectives on many topics... but women, Femininity, and relationships are topics that he's fairly shallow in his understanding of. But that's mostly because he's not really interested in exploring the topic more deeply... as he doesn't see the value in it beyond basic pick-up stuff. I just wish that he wouldn't speak on it like such an authority when he understands to little on the topic. I would leave him alone if he wasn't doing that.
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I literally said this earlier int he thread... and how taking responsibility for learning from these kinds of situations is important. But that's different than blame and judgment. I just think you like to argue for no reason.
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Which one am I? Tom or Jerry?
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Why do you have to be sexist about it? Just stop being so judgmental all the time... and you might learn something.