Emerald

Why do you care what someone else calls you? Just do what feels right to you.

Why is that the lesson?

Yeah, I feel like there's so much about living life as a woman that you really have to live in to experience... and you have to live it for a good long while too. And the longer you live it, the more you get it. And most of the guys giving advice haven't even had a mature longterm relationship with a woman or gone past the initial attraction phase of the relationship. And most haven't even integrated their own Feminine side, yet want to grand-stand as experts on the Feminine. But it's totally unearned because they just don't know any better. So, this advice comes from a place of confident ignorance of not knowing how to do anything else but how to theoretically attract a woman... and not even caring to know more than that. It just gets very stuck in the mud at step one of courtship before anything that's really interesting and deep can actually happen. And it often takes a relative truth about what women like and flanderizes it until it's not realistic or human at all. For example, it is true that a lot of women like to feel taken care of by their partner. But saying "You need to treat women like a child" and saying that women lose attractiveness if they are responsible and good at surviving.... just distorts these subtle relationship dynamics into something garish and tacky... and unlivable and stifling for human beings. And this loss of subtlety takes all the beauty out of Masculine and Feminine polarity... and turns it into a stifling, life-denying existence for the man and woman alike. I sense that this flanderizaton tendency comes from both a lack of lived experience... and a desire to control and repress their own Feminine side and to gain control over the Feminine in general to strip the Feminine of its power. Lots of these guys feel quite powerless in the face of the Feminine. So, there is a desire to minimize it and shrink it down to something that can fit comfortably in their pockets. And that means taking something real, subtle, and nuanced... and turning it into something artificial, obvious, and simple.

That seems like a much healthier relationship with masturbation than no fap. I think there's far too much stigma and shame applied to men masturbating... in the media and in society in general. So, when I've had male clients come to me in the past for help with better habits (with no fap often among them)... I notice that a lot of that comes from sexual shame and an attempt to control the body. Honestly, without a partner, masturbation seems like the best option to meet those needs. Porn can be unhealthy though, because of how it trains the mind to view sex and the meanings attached to sex. But moderation is key.

We live on a planet with 8 billion people. So, that's definitely a mindset thing. And you can change that mindset if you want to so that you don't give "scraping the bottom of the pot" vibes. You would also just need to be more social in general to make this mindset shift. And if you do make that shift, more women will see you as a higher quality guy who isn't desperate and has standards.

100% I am a woman. Stop assuming you understand this subject without experiencing it.

Yes, people are naturally multi-faceted in that way. Yin and Yang exists in all of us. And mature, well-integrated people will allow themselves to connect with all parts of themselves.

I like to have a subtle containment dynamic in my relationships myself, so I am familiar with the concept. My preferred relationship dynamic is 95% eye-to-eye ordinary human-to-human intimacy... and 5% playing at more traditional polarities for spice. But what Leo is describing isn't that. He is saying to treat a woman like a child... and that the man has to stand in as the responsible one because Feminine women are irresponsible. And if a woman is responsible, then she is Masculine and unattractive. The whole dynamic describes what happens between unintegrated men and women as the ideal, where one expects the other to act as their repressed part... and to "complete them". And no intimacy is possible from that standpoint as it requires for the woman to remain in an un-individuated state to maintain pure Femininity and therefore attractiveness. And the man must remain purely in a repressed relationship with his Feminine to relegate the Feminine to the status of child. This is not a natural state for humans to be in... because we are all 3-dimensional beings with many shades of Masculinity and Femininity playing through us... just as Yin and Yang can be found in all living and non-living systems. So, to suggest such a strong polarization is just a reflection of someone who is not very well-integrated themselves and is repressing their own Feminine side. Polarity attracts.... and similarity connects. The former is just the frosting on the cake of the latter which wears off as men and women age and mature.

There are women who are like that... but a lot of women (probably most) are not. But it's just a matter of having standards and sorting flaky women from consideration. (Side note: Having standards will also make you more attractive as well.) The real issue you have here is a sense of scarcity where you feel like you have to settle for flaky women instead of finding a woman who isn't flaky. There are plenty of flaky guys, and that behavior gives me "the ick" because it indicates to me that he's probably not got his life together. So, I wouldn't consider that guy for anything beyond friendship as it doesn't match what I want in my life. I say this as someone whose first serious boyfriend (when I was a teenager) was super flaky and eratic. So, it's a dealbreaker for me. You just have to recognize that you are not scarce in options (even though women aren't as ostentatious about their attractions, so it may seem so). Then, you can have standards and sort properly so that you don't have to even learn to deal with flaky women. It's like if a woman was asking me "How do I deal with fuck boys?" I'd just tell her "Don't deal with fuck boys." Sure, there are a lot of them... but most guys are not fuck boys. You can tell right away when a guy is or isn't. So, find one that isn't... and find one that you enjoy spending time with. Just have some standards and sort them from consideration.

That's okay, if that's really what you want. But I can tell you that you can experience more than that... as that's a very limited frame you have on human relationships. This whole thing sounds like a Pygmalion/Galatea dynamic... as is what typically happens when a guy isn't integrated with his Feminine side. You should look into Anima integration. I think it would help you grow and to connect more with your humanity and feel more of a sense of belonging with people, with nature, and in the universe more generally. And if you have issues with your body... it would also help you have a more harmonious relationship with your physical form as the Feminine side is about embracing the 3-D world. And it would also open you up to connecting with a woman that you feel more intimacy and kinship with... if that's something you want. But this relationship dynamic you're describing sounds really under-developed and boring. And no real intimacy would be possible... as it requires a huge power imbalance to make it work and would require the woman to forego individuation and the curiosities of life. And that isn't a natural state for humans to be in as time and experience are accrued... whether survival is a huge factor or not. So, she'd have to really keep herself stuffed into a small mold. And for what? Just to attract a guy who has a really stunted relationship with his Feminine side that she can never have real human intimacy with. And if she doesn't struggle with polarization, why would she want to shove herself into that mold when there are better options available for her? Nothing real and human can occur if there's such an extreme imbalance. And this framework cannot lead to a secure healthy relationship. But it's no wonder why you choose to be alone as you'd basically be acting as your partner's parent. I would probably isolate myself if I saw the world that way... whether I was male or female. If I was male, I'd be dreadfully bored with my partner and be incredibly resentful for them not behaving like an adult. And if I were female, I'd feel like my agency was being stolen and that I wouldn't be able to fully bloom and have my partner appreciating my blooming. Here's a video about integrating the Feminine if you'd like to check it out...

@Leo Gura You seem to believe that your cynical views on human relationships is reflective of truth. But if you really care about what's true like you say you do, you'd be wise to question whether that's the reality or whether it is just a smudge on your own glasses.

Yep. All it takes is a "charismatic" leader to push the envelope of what's normalized in political speech... and boom! The demagoguery ignites half of the populace who was secretly doused in kerosene from the beginning. And it both plants and waters the dormant seeds of the Fascist impulse by giving people permission to blame previously taboo scapegoats for their own shortcomings... which is a huge relief for those who have a tendency to want to play the victim and externalize a strong villain to play victim in relationship to... and a weak villain to play hero in relationship to.

I don't think so, even though it feels like it. It's truly just a more accurate reflection of where we truly are (and have been) as a society. And when that veneer of a more complete collective progression past Fascist tendencies slipped off... the truth about our primitive brutal ways came to the light of consciousness and surprised many who thought we were further along.

I would be worried if I lived in a blue state as well, as I think there's a major possibility of federal funding being cut from a variety of places. And of course, he would probably target the usual people that Fascists target... women, people with disabilities, poor and working class people, the LGBTQ community, religious minorities, and political dissidents of any kind.

You're welcome!

They will definitely get a taste of Trump. And it will be most people who are negatively impacted in some shape or form.

Definitely. When you or people you care about are directly impacted by things, it gives you a lot more perspective. And unfortunately, the average person will be affected directly by this administration.

Primary school ends at age 11 here too. It's from ages 5 to 11. (2nd grade is when you're 7/8 if that helps gives some context to the whole Tiffany story). I wouldn't put the Oedipal dynamic onto this dynamic. It's more like a God complex. And this God complex pattern caused me to feel really self-conscious because I felt like I was the center of the universe... as the main traumas I experienced were at age 3 when a child feels that they're the literal center of the universe. So, part of me stayed at age 3 and remained feeling the responsibility of being the center of the universe... and I was 100% stuck there until a few years ago. Now it's just 75% stuck at age 3. And there were quite a few situations at age 3 that were difficult to process that were likely the origin point of that. And I felt as a child, like I was the the center of the universe and that everyone was paying so much attention to me... and that even tiny mistakes that I would make would be hyper-focused on. But that sense of being hyper focused on wasn't the case a lot of the time... though my strong sensitive reactions would sometimes put me on people's radar and made me into a laughing stock, which reinforced the sense that I was this alien clownish center of the universe. Like one time (when I was 6 or 7) I was embarrassed because an older kid at my summer camp pointed out that I had snot in my nose... and I was so mortified that I ran into the middle of the room and screamed at the top of my lungs as I yanked out two big chunks of my hair. In my head, everyone in the room was super focused on the snot in my nose. And everyone now hated me because of it. So, I was overwhelmingly mortified, and I felt like I had just committed social suicide. So, that's why I had that strong reaction... as the stakes felt so high. But in reality, everyone was just really clueless as to why this random 7 year old just screamed at the top of her lungs and yanked out a bunch of her hair. I wasn't very socially graceful to say the least. There were definitely reasons why I was unpopular. And it really took me until age 13 to really figure out how to come across as socially normal. Similar to how autistic people learn to mask.... I had to do the same thing. I also had the belief that I was different than everyone else on the planet. It was feeling like a vulnerable alien... while everyone else is normal and invulnerable, and somehow possessing of more authority simply to take up space. But in my last three medicine journeys (I have done 1 per year for the past 5 years), it showed me what caused this dynamic. From early on (around age 3), I started to intuitively sense my parents' weaknesses. Though I couldn't articulate that to myself at the time. But there was the sense that I couldn't rely on them for support. And this caused me to feel like I had to be responsible for their well-being. And this gave me the sense of god-like responsibility and that have this supreme power to cause harm to them emotionally... and I saw them as Gods at that time. So, it was like having to the mother to Gods. And it gave me this sense of needing to be perfect (which meant being identical to my mom)... and that I need to do all the scary stuff alone. So, I started to feel like I needed to be my parents' parents... which later got extrapolated out to the whole world and feeling like I'm at the center of everything and responsible for everyone's feelings... and feelings about me. And this caused me to be hyper-attuned to others' feelings and thoughts. But I would also project worst case social scenarios because I felt so alone and disconnected as a child, and dealing with some pretty heavy overly intense feelings of terror and panic.

On that basis, your answer suffices. But these things only feel like an exaggeration if you're insulated from it all... and you may not personally care about anyone deeply who is in those other categories. And because of that, you're underestimating the impacts the decisions made by this administration will have on average people as you feel safe and protected from the worst impacts. And I know you see this perspective that you're entertaining as you being more objective and giving a more proportional reaction to the overall picture of things. But your perspective isn't actually doing that at all... as the trade off for good fortune is that it creates veils of ignorance that block harsher realities from you. And you have those veils in many categories: being from the USA with an American accent, being wealthy, being self-employed, being male, etc. And because of these veils of ignorance that come with good fortune, your perspective is skewing in the opposite direction of a disproportionate reaction (disproportionate under-reaction) because you are uniquely insulated from it compared to 90% of people. So, what seems like and is a balanced reaction to you is actually imbalanced from the perspective of the majority of people.

Certainly that will be a widespread effect if the market crashes, and it will affect a lot of people. But just be honest that you're only registering that danger because it may affect you personally... while the other ones, you don't have to worry about as much personally. So, the other consequences of the Trump presidency feel more "minor" to you because you don't really have to worry about them. I also want you to recognize that this is just denial when you're saying "Do not exaggerate the dangers." It's no exaggeration. And even if it were, it's WAY worse to undersell it than oversell it. And I notice that those who are in less vulnerable positions tend to undersell it because they are lacking in empathy towards those in more vulnerable positions. For them, politics is just something to debate about abstractly rather than something that impacts their own lives. And its in these ways that I'm glad that life has blessed me with enough financial struggles and strife to pop some of my idealistic bubbles. I'm personally the most worried that my husband (who has a Green Card) will also be on the chopping block because his status is still vulnerable in this administration even though he's here 100% legally. Who knows what kinds of systems they'll erode and what kind of laws they'll pass? They've already invoked the same law they did during the Japanese Internment. Most middle class Americans are spoiled on the current system. And they trust too much in the guardrails of the system and aren't grasping the precarious position that our country is in. There's way too much in the unsinkable ship fallacy. So, it isn't just undocumented immigrants that have to be concerned. There are already American-born citizens being detained who happen to have Spanish names. And there are visa-holders and permanent resident green card holders that have ended up being detained without the usual legal proections. And it isn't just deportation that's the worry for illegals and legals alike. It's in being sent to some detention facility for an indefinite period of time where human rights abuses are rampant. And they're talking about building these large camps to accommodate more people. So, we do have to worry. It's just the vulnerable status of being a permanent resident Greencard holder that makes you more likely to be a target. Also, I'm not as worried about getting an abortion personally (though the right to one is very important). I'm more worried about all the health risks to all women that happen when abortion laws are strict. Doctors wait until you're literally dying before taking the risk to give a life-saving abortion in order to avoid prosecution. So, every woman of child-bearing age is in a dangerous position with this current administration. And there have been women who have gotten into legal hot water for having a miscarriage. All of these may not make such a splash in people's lives who are already well-resourced or not in a vulnerable position. Like in the example of a woman needing to fly out for an abortion... that requires money. And having been poor, I certainly would not have been able to afford a trip out of the country... especially if I would have needed to do so on short notice. But it will 100% impact the bottom 25% of society in very tangible ways. And when the market crashes... it will get to 99% of people. -- Also, I'm just tired of having a consistently accurate read on the situation since 2015... and being told that I'm exaggerating and being unrealistic by people who are just too sheltered from the harsh realities of the world and human nature to know better. Like, a close guy-friend of mine who co-hosted a retreat with me the weekend prior to the election, got a bit cross with me for my strong anger reaction at Trump's re-election. And instead of operating from compassion and deeper understanding as I usually attempt to do, I threw up my arms and was like "They fucked around with my family. And now they're going to find out." I just needed to be angry at the people who voted for Trump.. or just didn't vote. But my friend thought I was being irrational. He is a permanent US resident Greencard holder from Canada... and he basically reads as a white American male. So, even though he's in a similar legal position as my husband, he's never been on the receiving end of any anti-immigrant sentiment as most people assume him to be American. But he refrained from voting because of the Gaza situation to vote his conscience. And I got a bit upset with him for not voting practically, especially since Trump will be worse for Gaza and said as much as he was campaigning. And he was pissed off at me for "exaggerating the danger". And he said "Trump is just saying that to throw red meat to his base." He was so sure that things wouldn't change much immigration-wise. And I just had a conversation with him a couple days ago. And he began the conversation by saying, "I have to admit, you were right. I'm currently terrified because I have to renew my paperwork in 2027." So, he's having to seriously consider moving back to Canada before then, which will separate him from his four children. And I didn't even feel like saying "I told you so." I just got mad at him, because it's like "Duh. Of course I'm right. Do you not understand people and systems?" But it's just because he was lulled into a false sense of security because he's a white guy with a good job... and didn't believe his own eyes and ears. I swear, since 2015, it's just been me observing a situation and talking about it accurately and people being like "Don't listen to what your eyes and ears are telling you!" And it just frustrates me to no end. I feel like Cassandra. But that's the thing with Fascism (or other authoritarian patterns)... every step of the way is people explaining stuff away and trying to lull you into a state of normalizing what shouldn't be normalized.

Careful... let's not feed into a divide and conquer. It can feel nice and ego-boosting to distance your own identity as "the mature moderate sensible leftist" from "those silly blue haired woke leftists with septum piercings". But that weakens your own cause. And instead of actually fighting together for economic justice and taxation of the rich... the "sensible leftists" spend all their revolutionary energy fighting wokeness. But it's all identity-stuff... and a desire to be "one of the good" leftists.

That's only true for you because you're not in a vulnerable position financially or otherwise. So, for you it's just internet noise because nothing changes. But before I had my business, we were on Medicaid. For a while we qualified for food stamps and I got WIC when my children were small. So, if we were still on Medicaid, we would have likely lost medical coverage without being able to afford a marketplace plan. And I was just thanking my lucky stars earlier today that I'm no longer in such a financially precarious position under this administration... and that I'm self-employed. So we can get out if we need to. Also, my mom and my sister (who live together because my sister mentally challenged) both get disability as their only income sources. So, there is a concern about what might happen if that is compromised by all this DOGE stuff. Also, for myself and my teenage daughter, I do have to worry about the state of reproductive healthcare as the stricter abortion laws makes it genuinely dangerous to even have a planned pregnancy. And my husband is a permanent resident green card holder. And we see all the fuckery that's happening and talks of mass deportation... and how green card holders and even native-born citizens of the US in a couple instances are being detained and sent to holding facilities. So, there's genuinely quite a lot to worry about if you happen to be in a financially precarious position or if you're an immigrant or if you're old or if you're a female of menstruating age. You just happen to be in none of those vulnerable categories. So, it's the same for you and just seems like internet noise.

That's a good one.

What I would say is to just focus on socializing in a more friendly way, and don't jump to asking anyone out straight away before a more flirtatious connection is established organically with one particular woman. Social circle works the opposite of pick-up in the sense that, it's important to come at it from a neutral platonic friendly place and to just be yourself. Otherwise, your interest will seem disingenuous or socially un-calibrated. So, just have fun and make friends... and if some organic feelings start to arise, don't jump into it too quickly. Let the feelings develop.

Yes, elementary school was when I felt the most like a social pariah because I didn't have enough social tools to navigate social situations. Part of that was just a projection of my own shame. But I was also teased a lot because I was very sensitive and not socially calibrated at all (partly because I was too aware of social consequences for my age, so I couldn't let myself be). And I was one of the least popular kids in my class. So, I always felt really desperate for friends.... which repelled them or gave them a leverage point over me. Like some kids would use that to boss me around because I had no sense of self-respect or boundaries because of my desperation for friendship. And I just felt like everyone was superior to me. The worst case was when I was in the 2nd grade, and I was at recess and sitting on the balance beam and sulking by myself about how I didn't have any friends. And this really manipulative girl named Tiffany came up and "befriended me". And that friendship lasted for a period of time (maybe a month or two). And she used to emotionally blackmail me and say "Do _____ or I won't be your friend anymore!" She wasn't the only female "friend" to do that to me. But her stipulations were the worst. And I think she may have been sexually abused at home, because it was usually something sexually inappropriate or sadistic that she was forcing me to do. She definitely had some serious issues. Around 8 years later, my best friend Shanna ended up going to juvi hall for bringing alcohol to school... and she met Tiffany in juvi. And I had already told her the Tiffany story years earlier, so she remembered her name. She said she was still a real psycho. One time she had me kick a male classmate in the balls under threat of "I won't be your friend anymore". One time she lifted up my dress in front of some other students. One time she tried to make me knock a book out of a kindergarteners hand (which I couldn't even make myself do). And there were a few other things. So, it was always about having me do or endure something over my boundaries... because she could sense that I was desperate for her friendship. And she could use "Do this or I won't be your friend anymore" as a means of having control over me. So, that's what elementary school felt like. It wasn't until I was in 8th grade that I figured out how to socialize as not to repel people. And then, high school was smooth sailing socially. I haven't really struggled socially since I was about 13. But before then it was an ABSOLUTE nightmare. I was also a romantically precocious child and had crushes since I was 3 years old. And my feelings were never reciprocated by the boys I liked. In reality it was because most kids are not even thinking like that yet. But childhood me, interpreted it as meaning that there's something fundamentally wrong with me and that I'm the ugliest person on the planet. And I used to fantasize about getting married as a very young child (between age 3 and age 6). But when I was in kindergarten (at age 5 or 6), after half of my life pining for romance and marriage, I remember crying in my bedroom that no one was ever going to want to marry me because I was ugly. And if some ugly old bald man wanted to marry me now (at age 5) that that would be my only opportunity for marriage and I'd have to take it then or leave it forever. And I had this assumption that all my classmates were already dating and that I was WAY behind them. Clearly this wasn't happening. But I almost needed to believe it was in order for my reality to feel like it matched my feelings. I also had another non-romantic version of this shame and feeling of inferiority where I imagined that, if I owned a Walmart, no one would come and shop at my Walmart just because I was the one that owned it. So, my childhood shame was REALLY out of control and it made me feel like a social pariah... and even project that onto situations where that wasn't actually happening at all.