Emerald

To be fair, Dr. K is probably in his late 30s or early 40s. And the wisdom of that age is to be right in the middle of life with the new dawning embodied recognition that your time is bounded by death... and that you have about as long in front of you as you have behind you. So, there is a great contraction that comes from the wisdom of this age, while youth (from age 0 to age 35) is all about expansion and the wisdom of expansion. And life is contextualized through the illusion of infinite expansion. And there's a great wisdom and maturity that comes from recognizing that you are ordinary... and dying the death of the illusion of exceptionality that youth brings with it. And that's when one recognizes their place in the circle of life... and that the simple things in life like friends and family are what makes life worth living. And with contraction comes a richer experience of the smallness of life. That's not as to say that one cannot aim for excellence and move towards their goals and dreams. Everyone would be wise to also embrace their excellence. But being able to conceptualize of a finish line and conceptualizing your life in relationship to a not so far distant death brings us face to face with the fact that we cannot infinitely expand. We must also contract. So, I think Dr. K is actually doing a favor in giving this advice. Expansion is Masculine and contraction is Feminine. And I've observed that men generally tend to have a harder time contracting and letting go of the expansion of youth... though women are not exempt from the same patterns. But this can lead to older men who are stuck existing as the Puer Aeternis (of Puella Aeternis for women).

You're mixing up level of high-level intellectual/paradigmatic development with maturity. But maturity is a lot more grounded and ordinary than that, which can be realized at any stage of Spiral Dynamics. It's important to be able to distinguish the differences between intelligence, maturity, and Spiral Dynamics stage. And why is it that you haven't seen any mature women in real life? They do exist. So, it seems to me that you're only tuning into the immature ones as potential mates. And I wanted to know if it was a preference or a scarcity thing.

It's not about what I personally consider mature. You said that you tend to date more immature women in your post. I was just responding to that and asking you if it was a preference or a scarcity thing. But being Tier 1 doesn't mean someone is immature. There are plenty of mature Stage Blue people even.

First off, the type of mature kind of Masculinity that helps a woman feel secure and stable in your presence can't be learned through all these online propaganda perspectives... and it can't be learned through pick-up either. The only thing that actually works is to develop yourself into a man of high integrity who knows himself and feels comfortable in his own skin. And men are a lot more likely to learn this if they avoid the Masculinity internet propaganda and low quality perspectives. You can observe that these perspectives on Masculinity are actively making men worse at embodying mature Masculinity because their mind is so polluted with Masculinity propaganda. Also, why do you date women who are immature? Is it a preference? Or do you just feel a sense of scarcity and are putting up with immaturity because you feel you have no other choice?

That's a perfect explanation of where these kinds of rigid male/female relationship paradigms and victim narratives come from. And they're very protective because it allows them to feel a false sense of empowerment... but also keep these guys in the same disconnected state. And it creates this bitterness towards women that pushes them away. So, it self-perpetuates as a cycle.

This is more of a movie trope. Scars are neutral. Women are not more likely to be attracted to a guy who has scars versus a guy who doesn't. That said, if a woman is attracted to you... she will also likely find your scars interesting and attractive because she finds you interesting and attractive. But women are not generally attracted to scars on a guy.

How do you mean? What does Red Bull represent in this context?

One thing I would mention about my attractions/fantasies is that they tend to come up at random towards a particular guy that I initially had platonic feelings for. But over the course of interacting with him, some internal switch gets flipped where I start to feel emotionally drawn to him for reasons that aren't always clear to me. Like, I personally don't like the IDEA of longterm relationships because it sounds as boring and bland as dry chicken breast. Like, when I look at other couples, I just feel like it's so boring. So, that notion of "I want to get into a relationship" rarely factors into my fantasies. And I have never before sought out a longterm relationship unless I had feelings for a specific man. And when feelings do arise for a specific man, I just feel so excited and compelled to get close with him and for things to take a sexual turn. And my fantasies during that time, are usually around the moment of the revelation where things turn from platonic to sexual. And this whole process of just following my romantic and sexual feelings has usually organically lead into longterm relationship. And then relationship becomes suddenly un-boring and interesting because of who I'm with. So, those are what my fantasies tend to be like. It's like a desire to become passionate lovers and explore each others' minds and bodies in deep ways and to merge with him... rather than the idea of getting into a relationship. But as that organic lovers dynamic unfolds over the course of months, it tends to lead into longterm partnership and brings my instincts towards long-term pair-bonding, marriage, and children online. That's the process in a nutshell. --- But in terms of the latter archetypal category (which is an interesting category), I occasionally have a more archetypal fantasy expression that might catch my attentions. And I see these more as what I need to integrate or explore within myself. Like, when I was a child (around 6-7 years old), I used to fantasize that I was 30 years old to give myself an adult body in the fantasy... and that I'd be laying in my bed in a pretty blue satin nightgown. And Count Dracula would come to my window at night (a balcony in the fantasy). And there would be all this chill night air and so much excitement. And he'd whisk me off into the night to romance me and drain me of my blood and turn me into a vampire. I suspect this one came up because I had recently had an experience of French kissing with an older boy that I had a crush on who was 6 years older than me. And it was my way of exploring my mixed feelings about that... which were both exciting because I had a crush on him and overwhelming because I was only 6 years old and it was way to much for me to handle. And I think a fantasy about a vampire was a way to explore those conflicting feelings. And when I was 13 years old, I had these crushy feelings arise towards a fictional gun-slinger anime character called Vash the Stampede. And there was this desire to embrace my dualities that arose from my admiration towards that character and to realize that I didn't have to be just one thing... and that it was much more interesting to be multi-faceted. My favorite thing about the character was that he was a total goofball and also super deep and serious at the same time. And at 18, I got a big crush on Jerry Cantrell from Alice In Chains. He isn't a fictional character, but he's the guitarist of the band. And there was something about him that really inspired me and drew me in. And that's been half my life ago, but if memory serves, he was the one writing all the lyrics, which are dark and poetic. And his guitar playing is superb as he's just really got at manipulating the strings. And I even noted at the time that there was something really sexual and phallic about the way he wielded the guitar. So, I think this celebrity crush was about connecting to some kind of excellence in my craft (I'm a painter)... and as a celebration of poetic darkness more generally. I've had many others of these over the years. And I love it when it happens because it indicates to me that a new layer of the onion is being revealed in terms of my individuation process. Most recently, I was watching this detective show that's set at the turn of the 20th century. And there's this really brash hot-blooded inspector character who's like 50 years old. And he's slightly chubby, he's got red hair and a mustache and side burns. And he has one of the rougher working class English accents. And both his joy and his anger are right up at the surface... like effortlessly so. So, he has this mixture of jovialness and brash anger that come through in his speech patterns. He's also got this "Don't over-complicate things. Take care of business." philosophy. And there's something very opposite about him to me. And I suspect that this character piques my sexual interest because he is so opposite to me and represents a positive expression of what I need to integrate within myself. I've also had similar types of "Archetype crushes" on male teachers and professors as well through middle school, high school, and college. And those are usually about integrating some qualities they possess into myself. I've always tended towards self-exploration through the lens of these archetypes and feelings towards male fantasy characters or off-limits men... like famous musicians or professors.

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Yes, it's a convenient thing to do to relegate male/female relationships solely to the material.

Yeah, that's exactly what I mean by niche marketing. And I feel like most of the men on this forum would be doing so much better across the board (dating-wise and personal development wise) if they really leaned into the niche angle. It seems like most of the guys on this forum hit a bottle neck with their personal development path because they keep trying to be coca-cola and appeal to the lowest common denominator of attractiveness to women. But you can't develop yourself and still be Coca-Cola. It's really scarcity thinking though. It's like, "I need the most mass appeal to attract women." But just like if you're in business, unless you're LITERALLY Coca Cola or Walmart, you're going to have to niche yourself down. And that will attract far more customers than if you tried to be really general with what you provide. Specificity sells. And that dating market is no different. So, the paradox is that if you try to market yourself to a general audience of women, you will get fewer women who are interested in you compared to if you narrow the scope of the audience you're trying to appeal to. It's also what's really nifty about having hobbies to engage in and subcultures to belong to.

Yes, exactly. There is a desire to divorce human to human love and connection from spirituality entirely... and to view the laws of nature as the only root of these drivers. And it seems to me to be reflective of a fear of real connection and intimacy... and a fear of the Feminine more generally. One thing that I experienced in one of my medicine journeys was that God (which I experienced as the Divine Masculine), was showing me the burdens of infinite love by letting me embody its perspective. And it was showing me the pain of grieving infinite griefs and suffering infinite sufferings. And it was showing me how human men are also burdened with love as they are like a little Earthly microcosm of the Divine Masculine. And this burden causes them to disconnect from the Feminine... and to go into a state of disconnection in general. I think that's why men have such a resistance to connecting to the Lover Archetype, despite it being a Masculine Archetype. And I think that framing love as survival is a way of keeping all of that Lover potential and the burden of it repressed... and as a means of trying to also suppress and control and marginalize the Feminine in themselves by disconnecting from and blocking out Feminine perspectives.

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Thank you! I'm only using the word "beta" because that's the term Dr. K is using in the video. What I mean by beta is really just a regular guy who's somewhat Masculine but isn't hyper-Masculine. And the driver towards personal development isn't inherently about running away from one's self. Like, it's really attractive if a guy is doing personal development and going to the gym to enrich his experience of life and his joie de vivre. What I mean by "running away from themselves", is men who feel like they are inadequate in the eyes of women. And they feel like they have to be some hyper-Masculine alpha guy to get women. So, they either try to become that guy and succeed (like some RSD coach pick-up guy who has sex with hundreds of women).... or try to become that guy and convince themselves they've succeeded when they've actually failed (like a lot of Redpill guys)... or try to become that guy and fail and wallow in the failure (like Incels). And even though the expressions are different, all three of these outcomes arises from insecurity and a neediness for female validation. It's just a spectrum of responses to the same insecurity around men feeling "not man enough" to be respected by men and desired by women. And it just knocks them right off the center of their own sovereignty, power, and authenticity... which is what's really necessary for a man to become a truly admirable man. And it's also what men need in order to stop making women the authority figure they run their lives at the behest of.

That's a mistake that you're thinking my reasoning for sharing these perspectives is to go... "Ooh! Look at us women. We're so much more conscious than you guys. And look how beyond survival we are." But I'm not trying to compete with you or other men for whose sexuality is better. Nor am I trying to say that survival has nothing to do with my sexuality. I'm trying to make it clearer to you what the reality of being female is like and how it feels to be attracted to and care about a particular man, because you're way off base... as are most of the guys on this forum. And it's impacting your (and their) ability to relate to women in a functional way because of these skewed hyper-rational paradigms. And the reason I communicate about his often is because I want you guys to get out of paradigm lock around this reductive transactional view of human relationships so that you can actually let go of your insecurities, enjoy yourself more, and be more attractive to women who will like you for who you are. And that's honestly what most of these guys are so upset about in the first place. They feel objectified because they believe that they'll never be loved or preferred... just settled for because women couldn't land the supposedly hotter guy. And that's because of their reductive paradigms, which you also reinforce by boiling everything down to a transactional Social Darwinian survival game. Of course, a lot of men feel this way about women where they just settle for a woman out of scarcity until someone hotter comes along, as they themselves are disconnected with all paradigms except the utilitarian paradigm. So, they tend to project their own objectifying tendencies onto women as well, which makes them feel less guilty about these tendencies because "Women are doing it to us too." So, they have their own reasons to keep these victim narratives around. But it doesn't help when other men keep reinforcing their distortions and projections. The paradigms you and a lot of the guys on here operate through are pretty boring and repellant. And it's going to impact their ability to connect with women. And it will get worse and worse as they age. It's like watching you guys confidently and unnecessarily driving off a cliff. And I'm like, "Hey, there's a cliff up ahead!" And I keep trying to find new and creative ways to communicate it, such that you might hear it. Then, you guys are like, "Don't ask a fish how to catch it!" while your car is a scant few inches away from careening off the cliff.

What is it about beauty and eroticism that's characteristic of Stage Green? I honestly don't see the connection. But this response is just reflective of paradigm lock in the scientific reductionism that's characteristic of Stage Orange because you can't see beyond this mono-perspectival reductive point of view, where you keep trying to boil everything down to "the one ultimate scientific truth to describe all human behavior." And that is the bias of Stage Orange as it tries to reduce things down to fundamental scientific truths. That's what happens when one polarizes into the Yang perspective and rejects the Yin perspective entirely... and sees the Yin perspective as more false. It's similar to how someone in Stage Orange scientific reductionism paradigm lock might have a tendency to dismiss things like love between family members or lover or friends as being merely a mixture of different hormones and biological processes... and to negate the validity of the actual relationships as 'those are just the illusions created by hormones flying around in the body.' And perhaps that is your point of view. But if it is, you should know that you're not being holistic in your way of thinking... as scientific reductionism is the opposite of being multi-perspectival. Survival is only one angle to look at it as it comes to human relationships and sexuality. And yes, it's a valid perspective. But it isn't the end all be all of perspectives. And if you treat it as though it is, you're going to strip the meaning from your life... and you'll be a bland lover and a bland liver.

Men may be in that situation now because of how atomized society is. But if you were social and interacting with women on a consistent basis in everyday platonic ways, human connection alone would work amazingly. So, you may need to develop the courage to initiate social interactions and create community around yourself. But you don't need to do anything else other than to become the best version of yourself.

That's too utilitarian. It's not about a guy's frame. It's about his personality, gestures, and mannerisms... and the way it makes you feel as a woman. (aka chemistry) And I find it to be a turn off if a man is trying to be attractive or Masculine. I need him as he is... not as he tries to be.

Yes, that's true. And that's why women tend to prefer guys who are a mixture of hard and soft qualities and who come across as better longterm partners.

I already mentioned in my previous reply. You can look from the perspectives of beauty, eroticism, and the sublime... which are fundamentally the opposite polar perspective of brass tacks utilitarianism and survivalism. Think of beauty as being the opposite polarity to utilitarianism... and it's the distinction between living and surviving. And those who are polarized into utilitarianism will automatically negate the existence and validity of more erotic perspectives and will close themselves off to more deeper erotic experiences... and will strip the art from their life. Similarly if someone conducted their life as purely survival whilst trying to get away from other perspectives, that person would sap the colors from their lives... while being deluded enough to think they live more aligned to what's true. Like a person who reads a bunch of books about music, but never really listens to it. And the issue with most people on this thread is that, with the desire to reduce human dynamics down to pure transactional utilitarianism, there is a distorted perspective on how humans operate that's presenting itself as the "one real truth" of human motivation. And it's causing them to get bitter and to repel the Feminine from themselves because deep-down they want to be valued in the way women actually do value them. They just don't believe it's true or possible. And you can't tell them anything because their cup is too full with the bitter juice of Social Darwinism and fundamental utilitarianism as the sole driver of all human action. That's the problem with paradigm lock.

It was very straight-forward and obvious what you were saying. You were saying that a dick doesn't respond to greater levels of chemistry with a woman. And that's very true for men. A penis will respond to any body that it finds physically attractive. It's very straightforward with male sexuality as it's just visual. But women and men are not the same... so while men can be attracted to a woman he haas no chemistry with, most women cannot be attracted to a guy she has no chemistry with. For most women, if the heart isn't activated, the loins are asleep. For most men, if there's an attractive body there, he'll get hard. Doesn't matter that much how he feels about the owner of the body. Don't make the mistake of assuming that women are just small men. We are different in this way.

The survival element is just one perspective to look at human sexuality through. And it's an important perspective, but it is by no means the end all be all. The issue with Social Darwinism, is that it's reductive to the point of distortion to boil everything down to pure survival as the sole reductive mono-perspective through which to view human sexual and romantic preferences. And this is why Social Darwinism tends to be recognized as pseudoscience in the consensus of the scientific community. That's the real issue with why men misunderstand female sexuality so much and end up with such skewed perspectives on female sexuality... as it tries to "utilitize" human drivers towards beauty and eroticism and strip them of all meaning. It's like trying to reduce a human driver towards the appreciation of art... or nature... or a beautiful sunset by framing it as cold transactional utilitarianism and Darwinism. And that's what happens when people get polarized into Yang/Masculinity to the exclusion of Yin/Femininity... as it seeks to find neat little categories to tuck human instincts into. There's just a desire to pretend that the Yin perspective is inferior or more deluded than the Yang perspective... whilst swimming in tons of delusion due to looking at human sexual dynamics through such a reductive lens. But even from the survival angle, most women are geared towards long-term rather than short-term partnering... which is likely why we're wired to respond to stability and fatherliness. And even from a survival angle, that is why women tend to prefer average guys that they happen to make the acquaintance of as they live their life.

Yes, definitely. That has to be a factor. But the attraction itself is also more emotional.

Of course most women aren't attracted to that... because most women (and people in general) can't relate to that. It's just not compatible with them. Very few people are into discipline, consciousness, and development. These are very niche interests, that only very specific women with the same niche interests will be attracted to. It's really about asking yourself how you want to market yourself... and even what's in the cards for you. Think of it as mass marketing versus niche marketing. Most men and women try to figure out how to mass market themselves... like Coca Cola or Walmart to cast the net as wide as possible. And the trick with mass marketing is to develop the lowest common denominator of attractive qualities that will be attractive to the largest number of people. And mass marketing means that you have to remove a lot of personality qualities and be pretty bland... where no one prefers you in a strong way. But most will consider you attractive. And you can't be too conscious or developed or it won't appeal to the masses. Think of how most people like Coca Cola in a medium way... but few are crazy about it. And if Coca Cola tried to give off more sophisticated vibes, it would lose its mass appeal. And mass marketing is good for hooking up with people you don't have much connection with. But it's really ineffective for deeper relationships or more passionate erotic flings. You also have to be relatively conventionally attractive to pull this off as well. Other men and women might niche market themselves... like through different subcultures or niche interests and leaning into what makes them different. And with niche marketing, you get a narrower cross-section of the world that's interested in you... because you're polarizing. You'll drive away 95% of people... and 5% of people will be extremely magnetized to you and will prefer you above all others. So, the people who are into you, are REALLY into you. Think of it as like some cult classic movies like Rocky Horror Picture Show and the rabid fanbase of something like that. About 15 years ago, there used to be a dollar theatre in Saint Augustine, where I live. And they'd play Rocky Horror a couple times a month. And people went out and got dressed up as the characters EVERY SINGLE TIME the movie showed. This is what happens when you niche market yourself. This is also a great setting for a meeting of minds and a deeper, more intimate, and more erotic sexual experiences... or a deepening relationship.

Again, women are not "settling" of the "betas". They prefer them. That's what's difficult for average men to realize. Average men can't fathom of what's attractive about themselves. That's why they feel like they have to become someone else for women to prefer them. And that's why all these guys are running away from themselves at 100 miles per hour. And intelligence doesn't tend to be an "alpha" trait that women seek out for short term partnership, in my view. I tend to be most attracted to very intelligent introverted guys who are more mature and down to Earth who have psychological and spiritual interests... and who have a mixture of hard and soft qualities. And I also need him to be a little bit strange to keep in interesting. To me, that is the sexiest kind of guy.... no settling involved. They're my PREFERENCE. And for me personally (and I'd imagine most women), I'm not motivated by short term sexual encounters. They're pretty boring because of the lack of emotional stimulation. Women get the most emotional stimulation through intimacy and deeper levels of eroticism. And those types of "alpha" guys are just about impossible to have a real deep connection with. And you can't surrender to them, so you can't really feel those deeper subtle erotic feelings in their presence.