Emerald

INFJ or INFP - I've taken the Myers Briggs many times and always score like 49/51 in favor of either the J or P. INFJ generally fits better though.

To Leo: What do you believe your biggest barrier is to achieving full-blown, permanent enlightenment? I believe that mine is fear of letting go and relinquishing control, but I was curious what yours is.

Thank you for the reply. I don't ask this question out of basic curiosity, but more-so to find others who have had similar experiences to what I have had. It can be a bit lonely having experienced ego transcendence for a short time, then to come back to the egoic perspective without anyone to talk with about it who will understand. So, in hopes that I might get some good information on how to go further, and also make a place for people to share, I've created this thread. So, I promise not to take your insight interpretations too seriously or become misled by them, if you're comfortable sharing.

What do you think happened that enabled you to live this way? Is there a moment when everything finally clicked?

I've had many OBEs myself, mostly through Sleep Paralysis. Although they are interesting, they are a lot different from the type of experiences that I'm talking about. But the latter experiences sound similar to mine. Which practice were you using when you had these experiences?

The irony with my experiences is that I wasn't seeking at all. I guess that I've always been an insight seeker and spent a lot of time in contemplation, but I never thought anything of spirituality or enlightenment before my experiences. I was a college student seeking a recreational experience and nothing more. So, I tried a tea used for vision quests in shamanic rituals with some friends. None of them experienced what I did. Their experience was only visual. For me, it dissolved my ego for a couple hours, which was enough for me to glimpse enlightenment. I did it again five months later but instead of recreation, I used it for escapism from harsh life circumstances. Both times it was like the contents of my unconscious mind were made conscious as all fear of my own mortality left me. Having said all this, I don't recommend trying any "shortcuts" to enlightenment. They are not permanent. For me, the most valuable thing that came out of these experiences was that it showed me that there was a dimension of existence that I was completely blind to. So, it's easy for me to make the journey because I know that the road leads to an amazing place.

I'm aware of this logically. But it is a feeling nonetheless. So, it is my attempt to be mindful and radically honest. But I also posted to help others be mindful of this pattern in themselves. It can be a discouraging feeling, so I figured solidarity might help.

I'm from Florida too.

All we know is our own awareness. Not the content of that awareness, but the awareness itself in the present moment only.

The complete reintegration and re-identification with all the disowned parts of the Self. In this context, the Self is the entirety of existence (God, source, etc.)

Out of the three, I resonate more with Eckhart Tolle. I could probably chalk this up to him being a Westerner. But I've watched Sadhguru, and read a book by Osho about creativity. I enjoy Sadhguru from time to time, but I don't resonate with him a whole bunch. The Osho book, I really disliked because of his broad strokes about the art world, but not having the requisite knowledge to speak of it. So, his perspective on his perception of the art world from a lay-person's point of view could have some validity. But I have two degrees and a minor relating to fine art, so I thought it was a bit ignorant seeming to cast the judgements that he was casting, without knowing much about art history or the artists that he was talking about. However, this was six years ago, so I may resonate with him more now. Maybe I would be able to read more between the lines now. But they all are probably "equally enlightened," it just may be that you resonate more with the perspective of Osho.

I doubt it. Most enlightened teachers that I've seen seem to be really regular people. But they are generally pretty cheerful and free from affectation.

It's interesting how many blindspots there are in the average mode of consciousness. One of the main insights that I had when I had my experiences was that I was constantly deceiving myself to protect my ego from uncomfortable truths. Even knowing this now in an abstract way and having a clear memory of this insight, I still make the same mistake on an almost hourly basis. The only difference is that I'm a bit more aware of it. I consider it progress, but a very modest amount of progress. I still continue to struggle against my reality even though I realize that it is an illusion. My ego just won't let things go and tries to control the situation to amplify its own existence. So, in this scenario, I am both the person running away from the alien and the person telling myself that it isn't real. When I was a child, I remember having a dream once that me and all my family members were taking a fitness test. My mom woke me up for school and I told her that I could get up yet because 'Dad hadn't taken his P.E. test.' The mind is such a tricky thing.

Sounds like an amazing experience. Mine were like a deep, familiar feeling of finally 'being home.'

I think that the main issue with the experience is that you experienced depersonalization, but it wasn't accompanied by feelings of connection and oneness that accompany enlightenment experiences. You were still attached to the "me" but you glimpsed the emptiness in it. The problem is that you attached a negative meaning to it, sort of like nihilism. You may want to look into the topic of depersonalization/derealization disorder which can come up from trauma, psychedelics, and occasionally even meditation (though this is rare). Take heart in knowing that the reason for the negative, nihilistic feelings that you experienced on the mushrooms aren't indicative of truth. When you truly experience the truth of no self, it is optimum happiness and a feeling of significance beyond what you know of yourself.

The difficult thing is to hear about this truth abstractly without an actual enlightenment experience. I have had two, where I was truly living the truth of no self and it was the most amazing feeling. I had complete peace of mind and all of my insecurities and fears completely left me, including what was before a crippling fear of death. I could have been told that I was going to die in an hour and I would have been fine with it... even though I preferred to live and would have chosen life had I had the luxury to chose it. So, experiencing the truth of no self, is the optimum happiness level that you can experience as a human being. But this goes against everything that you've ever known. We are taught that in order to be happy, we have to work hard to create the best ego that we can. Individuality is highly prized and we are constantly in a struggle with the ego between self-congratulatory thoughts and self-deprecating thoughts. The problem is that you have come to know happiness only through your actions and your sense of individuality. These are all masking effects to an ever-present and deep suffering that you are likely acclimatized to, to the point that you don't know how much you suffer psychologically on a minute to minute basis. If you experienced true selflessness even for a minute, you'd never want to go back to identifying with your egoic sense of self. The ego knows nothing but constant struggle and fear is a constant backdrop. Without ego, nothing can harm you because there is no you to harm. You realize your infinite nature and connection to all that is and realize that you can never die. Trading the ego for enlightenment is equivalent to trading a penny for a million dollars... but you even get to keep the penny. You just realize that the penny is only a small part of all that is. But a major caveat that I offer is DO NOT try to repress your ego or sense of self just because you understand logically that it is illusory. It will only cause a repression of ego, and not ego-transcendence. The only way to move toward understanding this truth is through mindfulness, meditation, contemplation, and self-inquiry. Forcing the ego away will only cause more issues.

This is a trap that I see most people fall into because they don't understand the idea of paradoxes. They think that there is one perspective that is most true and that they have it because they've probably worked hard to learn the things that they have learned. But what they don't realize is that all perspectives are valid and that beliefs by their very nature, hold no empirical truth to them (even if they allude to truth). So, there is no need to argue or stand firm on conjectures and beliefs. I find in most instances that is most valuable just to explore a variety of perspectives. But from their standpoint, they have to defend their beliefs because on a deep unconscious level they know that they are only imaginary.

My recommendation is to push through it. Even if you have ADHD, this is something that everyone goes through in one degree or another. I have the same urges. So, think of your ADHD as just a slightly more cranked up version of what the average person has. It isn't like there's something 100% different about your psychology because of it. This is a very limiting belief to bust through. Just notice the thoughts and urges as they come up, and maintain your focus on the breath. If your mind is running 200 miles an hour, just notice it mindfully and bring the attention back to the breath. The great thing about meditation is that it actually has neurological effects on the ability to concentrate, so if practiced over time, it will likely alleviate the attention issues quite a bit. In fact, I've read articles about scientific studies that suggest that the long term effects of meditation are conferable to the effects of using pharmaceuticals to treat certain psychological problems.

I'm currently reading "The Book of Not Knowing" by Peter Ralston. I'm a little over half way through and it's really great so far.

I get a bit annoyed too, but I understand because I've been one of these people and I'm still working through my blockages in this way. But this comes mostly from people being indoctrinated into the notion that it is good to always "know" and be "rational" and to avoid seeming gullable/crazy at all costs. These are the same people who are quick to whip out the word "crazy" and stand proudly and self-righteously on the ground of science, rationality, pragmatism, and sanity. What many of them don't realize is that their reasons for clinging dogmatically to rational/scientific beliefs aren't rational at all but are extremely emotionally motivated. They are worried that they will be judged as crazy if they begin thinking outside of the rational paradigm. They fear losing credibility, so they shut their eyes to systems of thought that SEEM antithetical to science. They paint themselves into a corner in their own mind because they are afraid that they will be judged in the same manner that they judge others.

Thank you. I've experienced void states during sleep paralysis, where it feels like I'm just floating consciousness in blackness. It's happened a few times. But I've never had it in waking life or as a result of meditation.

I thought about that before I posted, but I've gotten tons of helpful responses. Plus an enlightenment experience doesn't always entail full-blown, permanent enlightenment.

When I had my first experience, I realized foremost that I was experiencing the phenomena referred to as God. I realized it wasn't a deity up in the clouds but a unifying force that I was inextricable from, as was the rest of existence. Heaven was on Earth for people who have the eyes to see it. Prior to that experience, I was Agnostic with strong leaning toward Atheism. But I realized that I was hung up on a 'god-image' and not the reality of the force which is incomprehensible from the average level of consciousness, as it can't be understood logically. Also, I have had a lot of sleep paralysis experiences. I made a video about sleep paralysis recently. Would you be interested in watching it? If so, I can direct message it to you.

I live close to Jacksonville, FL.

What has been most difficult for me is that I wasn't raised in a way that values traditional feminine gender roles and was conditioned to see them as weak and inferior to traditional masculine values. But I happen to resonate with some of the traditional female roles and some I have fallen into only by happenstance. So, I have a lot of neuroticism between social expectations and my own expectations, plus a habit of ignoring my intuitions. I spent the first 20 years of my life developing myself with un-remitting focus on personal development and career goals. Deep down there is a part of me that resents being a woman. This came out in my teen years as a strong identification with masculinity. I was a very strong teenager with ironclad willpower and a defined sense of self. I got into a good college and paid for it with scholarships alone without emotional or financial support from anyone but myself. Then, when I was 20, I had some transcendental experiences, following traumas I incurred from a terrible end to a four-year-long emotionally abusive relationship. I realized all of my goals toward self-actualization were the result of trying to outrun the reaper and to feel significant. So, I made a choice to resist the personal development that had been so normal to me for a more Yin approach to life after I broke off my bad relationship. I decided to let life happen to me instead. Shortly after, I met my husband on the street by chance when I was working as a street musician. I got pregnant seven months later by accident. I graduated college shortly after that. I decided to pare down my personality to be only a mother. I was too wild. I needed to vanillify myself. So, I stripped my persona of all the interesting qualities (many of them masculine) that I had built in during my teen years. Because of this I began to see my looks as my primary value instead of my worldly contributions and began to play second-fiddle to my husband; whom I developed a deep loathing for (I wonder why :))This lasted for 6 months and I got really depressed. We were living under the poverty line, so I had to go to work. This was never what I thought would happen when I had a child. I had wanted to stay home. I wasn't able to find a job as an art teacher right away so I worked as a substitute teacher for a year. I eventually got a job and got pregnant again (this time on purpose) my second year as a teacher. I'm quite young compared to most teachers so my superiors let me go at the end of last year with no reason given, as a teacher in their first three years can be let go for "any reason and no reason" in the state of Florida. I suspect pregnancy discrimination, but there's no way for me to know for sure. Now, I have started a Youtube channel as a means to share my insights, which I hope to eventually monetize to support my family off of. I am trying to expand my consciousness to figure out which direction to go in. Insight seeking has always come naturally to me, ever since childhood. It's the only thing I truly feel passion for. I know that it teaching, helping, and insight seeking have been important to me for as long as I can remember; so I hope that I'm on the right track. My life has been full of turmoil, a series of steps forward and steps backward. I feel some of this relates directly to being a woman coming from a lower socio-economic-status. But sometimes I wonder if all the turmoil comes as a way to get me to surrender my willpower, stop fighting, and to flow downstream toward my life's purpose. Life has lead me in some unexpected directions for sure. But I'm getting along with my husband again and trying to be the best mom I can be to my son and daughter. After 10 years of working actively toward a career as an art teacher, and losing that job to the whims of the administrators of the school, I realize that job truly isn't for me. It would never have fulfilled me. So, it opens up new possibilities for me. It is scary but exciting. Like all the plans I've ever made got destroyed and now I'm at square one.... only now I have two small children and an immigrant husband who hates his job as a waiter counting on me to do something to make life better.