AdamDiC

I woke up this morning a bit regretful of starting this journal. A bit worried that I won’t be able to keep it up and honestly wanting to already give up. But that’s the beauty of this public thing. I’ll keep going. I’ll drop the fear. today I want to meditate for half an hour and read some of Tara Springett’s Kundalini book. Also practice some songs for an upcoming gig. And be mindful and surrendering the whole time.

@iamme I'm surrendering my thoughts, judgements, and ego to the present moment. (God?) I surrender it to my sense perceptions, which sounds a bit wierd should contemplate that. But I don't think it's a belief, I've just become more aware of my thoughts and emotions that i have taken responsability for them. Thanks for the questions will contemplate.

@Leo Gura Daaaaaaamn Leo. You got me right in heart. Checkmate. Fear is mind. It's ego and thought. Truth is right NOW where the only thing that exists is your surroundings. Stop projecting onto your world. It is what it is. I learned this on a 10 day Vipassana retreat. After 7 days of torture and pain and resisting I had a moment of surrender, and just like you said fear melted away and a deep sense of love set in. So deep it brought me to tears and stayed with me for the next few months. But I did not nurture it the loving surrender. I resisted it, I fell into fear, I am in fear. Surrender is so ego reducing, I fear crying infront of people. Life is so beautiful sometimes i feel like crying all the time. But because no one i live with feels this passion it makes me feel guilty for harbouring these spiritual truths. I feel shame for feeling amazing when people are suffering. So I ignore it, i stop having fun, and I suffer. I know that is not the way, it may be low Self-esteem or a lack of wisdom to keep surrendring in my life. I'm 18, my biggest struggle is to create a healthy relationship with my parents. I want to love them, i want to spend time with them, I want to be real with them but i'm terrified of the fact that i'd cry, that i'd shatter the illusion of me being mature, and stable. I'm not. No one is stable or grounded or found. Surrender all fear and hatred eh? Fuck me, that sounds so nice...

lolololololol ok

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. Embodiment is what i feel I am lacking. I am lacking integrity within my life. But really? Kriya? i honestly don't know anything about it but I feel like i should trust you here. Should I watch your video on Yoga and buy the yoga books from your book list?

@Lorcan I don't know man. Too much thoerizing for me.

@Lorcan yes it is a weight game. The more weight when lifting the bigger results. But bulking and calisthenics don’t really mix well. It’s like mixing cycling and arm wrestling. Idk. Getting fat will just make you fat. Strapping weight to you defeats the purpose of minimal exercise. I see you theorizing a lot which is cool. But there’s not a lot to think about when working out. Get yourself started on a basic workout. See how your body responds. Take progress pictures every week. Add extra meals to your day. Weigh yourself. Then decide if calisthenics aren’t enough, to start adding weights.

@Lorcan 1. Yes a floor is very limiting. 2. Yes, calisthenics are not meant to build big bulky muscles. they are more meant to keep you fit, lean, and build endurance for sports or life. Wieghts shock your muscle, tear the fibres more intensely and therefore you gain more muscle faster. It doesn't mean calisthenics are bad, most body workouts are very functional and healthy and build a good foundation for wieghts. I know a lot of skinny dudes who could't get big with wieghts because they couldn't last long enough in the gym. But dependign on your goals you might have to have a balance. 3. With only a floor, you are stuck with only pushing motions. so you can work your legs, chest, triceps, abs, some neck. The muscles that will recieve the least training will be your back (Lats, traps, biceps). Like 0 training. Most of these require a pulling movement with wieghts or machines. 4. You can't train back with just a floor... sorry mr. minimalist. 5. Muscle strength is increased with heavy, very heavy wieght. Deadlifts, barbell squats, and benchpress. I love calisthenics and i prefer them because of their availability and ease. you can go to a park and do a full workout. or get a pullup bar mounted above your door so you can do a routine at home. but sometimes i like wieghts to, i used to lift 5 times a day when i had a gym membership and it felt amazing. For you, thinking about working out doesn't solve anything. Just wake up tomorrow and start doing pushups, jump squats, jumping jacks, and sit ups. thats all you need for a basic workout and you just build on top of that. Have fun! P.S. Here's a cool website on calisthenics.

@Spinoza This makes sense. The 3 characteristics of Buddhism; No-self, Impermanence, and Suffering (Unsatisfactoriness) are also the 3 keys to gain insight. A lot of people learn from their suffering and its vast causes. And I agree with "normal" people being stuck in paradigms and believing they are happy and sane and just.

@Nadosa Look man, everyone goes through depression, apathy, and those other "dirty" emotions. They are part of the spectrum of emotions. They are equal to Bliss, and Peace. They just tend to cause irrational reaction by the experiencer. Know that what you're feeling right now is OK. It is ok to not be ok. Let it happen. It may be a coping strategy for your new higher awareness, or supressed emotions trying to escape. Know that it WILL end, and there be a day when you wake up, feel the sun on your skin, breath in and smile. As for right now. Try to drop all of your thoughts, beliefs, and ideas of where you are in life, how it should be, and how bad something is. Try to find the source of your suffering, it will take time. Sit and accept your current emotions fully. Peace.

@SeeWithSteve DUDE. That Aldous Huxley quote might have changed my life. Thanks for posting that.

@lukej Hey man, I myself am an aspiring musician/sage and I have a lot of the same questions as you... But you're questions are a lot better Imma try to answer all your questions to the best of my infinite intelligence. Not that I know of. And that's a good thing. The real masters probably need a good amount of research to be found. They would never be in the mainstream or anywhere near a McDonalds. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears" I think it's music that brings you into the present moment. ALL music is in the present but not all makes YOU presnetly question your reality or create feelings of bliss, excitement, joy, and love. But you must have those feelings inside of you to begin with. Music is the expression of who you are. The best musicians know who they are, accept themselves, and try to be a vessel to the muse inside of them. Have you ever wondered how new music is always created? When you think you've heard everything out comes another song to blow your mind. If you want to make conscious music quick, I recommend pyscadelics or a meditation retreat to really get you into BEING. Well instead of listening to trap music that tends to idealize drug use, material gain, and sex, which isn't wrong. You can write music about the truth you feel, personally. Strong opinions attract attention. In a sense you don't want your music to make people feel good while their listnening and right after the song is over they crave more. Music should inspire, it should recharge one's energy for life isntead of robbing creativity. Yes. Yes I do. Albums: PINK FLOYD - Dark side of the moon. JOHN LENNON - Plastic Ono Band. Songs: PASSENGER - 27, Scare away the dark Well you gotta check your ego. When you start becoming successfull at making consc. music and realizing how much more you could do you might be persuaded to tend to another audience. Mainstream pop stuff. Why? Money, fame, sex, drugs, rock and rolll etc. YOU, the ego, will go nuts for that stuff. So you just have to ground yourself in your values, regularly meditate and chill. I have read Jim Morrison of The Doors Biography and it really inspired me. Although he was heavily addicted to drugs his whole life and ended up killing himself I still think it was very motivational for me to grab life by the throat live more. That's all i got. ---------- The best part of being a musician is that you are free to do WHATEVER you want with your art. You are god, be a revolutionary, make something s new and mindbending people sob orgasmically when they listen to your stuff. Music is so much more than Top 50 Hits. That's like %0.1. Just dive into it. HAHAHAHHAHA. First of all. It's not even you whos creating music. Ask yourself where thoughts come from. YOU are an instrument for god/infinite creativity/love. AND THEN you play another instrument to express it. Mastery of an instrument is mastery of expressing godThere is nothing to worry about. I think writers block is being stuck in the same "awareness level" for too long. DO SHROOMS, MEDITATE, READ and you'll never run out of music. Good luck. Love Adam.

@MarkusR Damn bro! Your soundcloud is dope. Keep rappin’ till you die you’re fire.??

Hi. I've been really struggling with my emotions lately. It just has been getting progressively worse. It hurts to talk about this, its ego reducing, but i know i have to go throughg this to grow. As my actualizing continued I became more aware of my life, all the problems I was previously unaware of and all my secret ways of suppressing them. The thing that haunts me is my parents. They don't love each other any more. They are just annoyed with each other for the most part and i want to have meaningful relationships with them but something is holding me back. I don't know what a proper family looks like and i understand they are hard to come by but i feel that i could do more. My dad is an awesome person and i just dont do anything with him because i cant be real with him. Being to being. idk. i understand hes from a different generation and has his own dogma but wtf how can i live in the same house for the next 1-5 years and just bullshit our relationship. WHAT THE UCK IS BOTHERING ME? its the fact that i am incapable of verbalizing my emotions in the fear that I will have to express my true self, my authentic self, or a different self image. there are few people who when i meet evoke a need to express myself. Only close friends and my brother. When i talk to them it feels as if the only thing that should come out of my mouth should be important and true and me. But i can't now, i used too be able to talk freely and open but now i bury my feelings and it hurts a lot. The only way to survive in this closed system is to constantly, consciously suppress them and induce unconsciousness. Textbook backslide. I began playing video games, eating junk food, watching porn and masturbating, just to numb myself. I also work out less now and my meditation is shiiiit. I don't want to meditate because i don't want to be conscious anymore, it hurts too much. it really does, i have chronic neck pain for suppressing all these emotions. My communications with people have gone down the drain. I want to be authentic but whenever i meet people the first thing that pops into my head is how depressed i am and how i have daddy issues and how im too scared to talk about it so i jsut sit there waiting for them to talk about something so i can get away from myself. Resistance is futile. I know. this is not right, its not healthy. i just want to cry in front of all of my friends and be real with them. i want to engage my authentic self, i want to be me and live again. I want to feel like post-shroom or post-vipassana retreat me. BUT IM FUCKING SCARED, I JUST FREEZE UP. somewhere down the line i learned that emotions are bad, that expressing them is bad, and crying is for girls. i've been refusing to write this post because in fear of someone i know reading it. I just turned 18 a few days ago. I got my whole life ahead of me but right now it seems like the end. I count the hours every day so i can just go to sleep. I know life shouldnt be lived like this, it's been 4 months of downhill unconsciousness. But i have learned some stuff. It feels like my lower self being afraid to grow, its afraid of fear, change and loooves safety. What will happen if i take the leap? Well it might be uncomfortable opening up at first but then i'll live in a more truthfull life, i wont have to run away from myself like i am right now. I go home and i basically lock myself in my room and sulk :). SO has anyone got and stories, experience, help, jokes, songs etc. i just want to grow up

@starsofclay that made my day ?

Hello. I want to tell you guys how my last 3 weeks have been. I hope you can feel me. It all started around December 16th. I'd been self actualizing for sometime and honeslty it was the farthest i had ever gone, felt really stable. I was reading Branden's 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem and it was really getting some traction, i saw paralells with my own life and was getting motivated. The first pillar is Living Consciously. A very powerful topic basically explaining to grab life by the balls, wake the fuck up, deal with the present moment effectively and move on. He recommends %5 steps working towards your goals. I knew what I had to do. I had to break the paradigm i was living in with my parents. I'd been living a double life. On one side I'm a quiet teenager whos seems like hes trying too hard, stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. On the other hand I'm trying to get fucking enlightened, doing drugs, scavenging the depths of my pysche, trying to change my diet, bust my comfort zones, and feed my muse, who stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. My relationship with them is flimsy and we dont really communicate clearly probably because I've changed so much and they havent. So i just get this overwhelming feeling that i have to do something. Then I'm like no its too hard. So i just start to supress it. Consciously supress it. Consciously induce unconsciosness. Not pleasant. Branden calls it a betrayel of consciousness. I definintely took it too extreme. He said %5, I said all or nothing baby. but i lost Here I am, January 3 and after a meditation session it all came back, the exact problem, and the exact solution (go sit down and talk to them). Until now I have been breaking all my habits. A super-mega backslide. Just literally feeling bad all the time, doing whatever i can to get me to fall "asleep". Netflix, food, video games, porn, fiction. I literally quit this stuff 4 months ago but i needed it to be unconscious. All that time flew by and i didn't grow one inch, nothing, nadda. I kinda feel like %99 of people. Just miserable, running away from themselves, attached to thought and pleasure, not trusting in truth love and beauty. I fucked up, i see that. I value truth love and beauty, but i dont act like it. not at all. I value them when i take shrooms or come back from a meditation retreat, when I worked my way up. But i see now that at my baseline consciousness, i have to work for them. I have to consciously align them into my life...and its hard. Obviously, no one does this. All my friends did exactly what I did for the past 3 weeks but THATS THIER ACTUAL LIFE, They dont know any better. I DO. i can't go backwards, i cant and I know that. So what im basically doing now is suffering and sulking, being abused by my mind, especially the infinite negative one and it sucks. I've experienced positive mindstates. Ones where the world is at my finger prints and i feel they are still inside me and able. But when it comes down to it i'm weak. I have been running away from this probably much longer than i can think (unaware of problem). but now i found the root and know how to fix it. But theres 2 sides to this war. Consciousness and unconsciousness. Truth and delusion. Good and evil. God and the devil. (Why do those words look alike lol). I have experienced the latter but I've only glimped the first. And i know what you're thinking just go and talk to them they are your parents. And you are right. but then why is it so hard for me? I think its one of those threshold gaurdians. Like if i do this my life will change measurably. That was it feels like. I don't know what I'm asking you guys for, i just wanted to get this out. Finally. been hesitant to say anything. Thanks

So today I was looking around the internet. Dark Web, Tor, BTC, and all that wierd internet stuff and i came upon IndaHash. I literally just heard about this today so if anyone knows about this topic let me know. But I was on the website and I came across this video: hhtps://youtu.be/AQ4MUrCBxQ4 WATCH IT NOW! It's basically marketing gone mad. Probably gonna take over social media. It's fairly new, only about 3 months and it seem's scary. Social media won't be for communication or entertainment anymore, it'll be a business for EVERYONE, all users will feel it is necassary to have. It literally just promotes ego, money, greed, short-term gratification and that's why its so popular. I'm tempted to get into it lmao. It's a dream come true for all entrepenuers, youtubers, and celebrities. Do you feel what I'm getting at?

After watching Leo's paradigm video and then doing psilocybin mushrooms I came to the conclusion that I am constantly switching between paradigms of thought. I experienced this my last mushroom trip when I was having some profound insights but because of lack of planning was disturbed and pulled back into reality. This resulted in an ego backlash (depression) because i did not have any time to integrate the insights into reality. I was harshly pulled back. So what I am struggling with now is the Paradigm of Self-actualization (mainstream self help, visualization, affirmations, self esteem work) and Non-duality paradigm. I have been meditating for 10 months now and have been influenced by my meditation teacher to not drift from my basic minfulness meditation practice. It seems secular and limiting but he has a point. I dont fully understand what I'm doing yet, I've had slight insights from meditation and should stick to it. So when i think about doing self-help, all i can think about is my teacher, ruining my practice, and how I'm distracting myself from the spiritual path and gaining Awareness. On the other hand, I know I am a zen devil. Its easy for me to dismiss people, judge thier unconsciousness, be angry. I'm pretty undeveloped as a self. I lack confidence around girls. Social skills and self esteem are questionable and I dont have a vision for my life, or a life purpose. Can i expect most of this to autocorrect with awarenss? Are these just ego backlashes from my practice? I do want to commit to life long actualizing, but from my point on the path. I'm confused. According to my meditation teacher I should dismiss this nonsense and keep meditating. It's just some monkey mind pulling me away from the present moment. Spiritual paradigm and self help paradigm. Please let me know what you think.

@Nahm To answer the first question: I want the best life I can get. I want to feel alive everday and know that life is mine for the taking. I want to love everyone and be free of this crippling ego. You knooow the good stuff. To your second post: Ya im fairly new, just started being vegan and daily reading. As for meditation its just begun to deepen for me. So i'll just ride this wave until i feel in control because honeslty, like you said to not identify with body and mind, I've overcome some bodily attachments but I'm still a slave to my thoughts. A lot of negative thinking, worrying, doubting, FEAR. It's a roller coaster ride so I'll try my best and be present. Thanks!

@Source_Mystic I have to agree with you on that one. I have to relax and realize i have my whole life ahead of me to actualize. Thanks

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. Ya you’re right. I have to develope as a whole. I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now and it feels like I should stick to meditation.

Hi guys. I want to know how to be myself all the time. How to tend to my emotions. How to stop being so self-conscious and judgemental. I realized I am my worst enemy, change is terrifying for me and i fear it. I just watched How To Be a Man Part 2 and it really clicked with me. There have been moments in my life where i've felt amazing (tended to my feminine) and where all my relationships with people have gone effortlessly and smoothly. But currently i am struggling, its been back and forth with this choking hyper self-consciousness of mine that creates so much fear that i always fall back into my "safe" little bubble of quietness and complacency. I just make excuses for my lack of courage like "Oh, It'll just go away with time and awareness" It's scary tho. I've appeared a certain way to people for so long, and to just switch one day (be myself) is hard. I've been programmed to be something else. theres so much habit energy. Having been meditating for the past 8 months i can sense when it comes into me, the need to act for people, but it takes over me and i get lost in it. For family, friends, and in relationships. Its there sometimes. and the thing is when im unconscious of this whole problem things run smoothly, but i dont want that, i want to be conscious of me breaking out of this mess. I know what I have to do. But I'm scared of the reality of it.

Yesterday I was reading Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting by Wayne W. Dyer and the idea of visualization seemed to have a lot of potential. My life is my thoughts about it. Change my thoughts to amazing ones and eventually my reality will match them. It's like practicing life in your head untill it is real. Well not until it's real, you believe it's real from the begining. Pretty powerful stuff and i could see the benefits. Buuuut from a spiritual standpoint I believe it is flawed. Visualization only creates greed and more thought of a self. The whole point of the practice is to have what you deeply desire. Where on the other hand meditation is the dropping of desire and ego through awareness, where visualization embraces it. Visualization: Promotes idea of self Promotes desires Infiniteley chases desires Meditation (Mindfulness): Promotes awareness Enables understanding of desires Possible "end" of karmic cycle What do you think? P.S. My belief about visualization being flawed makes it flawed. Lol.

This past week I have been struggling with socializing. It's just my thoughts, ideas fly around and affect me. I've been doing mindfulness meditation for 8 months now and now i can carry it into my daily life a bit more now. Into my school life. Before meditation school was just one unconscious fuck fest. People, homework, sports, girls all contributed to my uncoscious robot routine. For 3 years i created my highschool ego. Smart, strong, athlete, musician, funny, ok with the ladies. but my last year ive gained some awareness and beginnign t inquire. So basically the more mindfull i am the less I am highschool me. What's been bothering me, or highschool me, is that I'm changing. The more conscious i am the less highschool adam lives. And i get depressed you know. I think Im a loser. Im turning introvert with focusing on actualizing so my social life has decreased and my stimualtion. and i know this to be true because sometimes i can just let me guard down (not be mindful) and my ego has fun, it goes crazy, talks to everyone, does pranks, gets in peoples faces, its cool, but i feel at the end of the day im just fucking exhausted What do you think? Ego backlash? Am i repressing my needs? Can i mindfully incorporate that part of me? Or does this sound stupid and Im wasting my time? Thanks.

So I'm 17, never had a girlfriend, made out with a couple girls before but that's the farthest I've been. Don't have the best pick up skills at the moment, but I think I underestimate myself. I know some girls who like me and honeslty if i get in the right mindset I'm Alpha. I'm 3 months into NoFAP, feel good, lots of energy, and a clean mind for dating. But the only thing that's holding me back is myself. My level of consciousness. I think I'm better then girls because they are clueless and that I'll be wasting my time just chasing pussy and stimulation. Is it a worthy goal? I have been feeling down lately, my ego is becoming a introvertish type over the past 6 months. I've changed my life a lot to self-actualize and after a 3g shroom trip I had last night I think I need to take a break. I can just be mindful of the depression, loneliness, and stuff. Or I can go out and have FUUUN. I think I need to get this out of the way. A lot of people say you should know what you have before you lose it. I did this last year, went out with a girl just for fun and I ended up doing nothing after the date. I wasn't in love in the first place, just thinking with my dick. What's your opinion???