sarapr

It feels so different to be living a fully alive and passionate life . it's like having this subtle enthusiasm and excitement. I like this feeling. I feel in the moment and fully alive .It really is different to feel alive every moment. I'm beginning to see how much more life can be and I'm gonna make sure I don't just let it slip through my hands .

@Jonson you did the right thing. it would've died anyways you helped it . Cute though that you worried about a rat's suffering

I've just found a book . it's a diary of a 17 year old girl who got captured in Iraq-iran war and it really is mind blowing. it's such an exciting story, the smartness of the girl and the courege of the other characters in the story it's absolutely mind blowing because I certainly didn't know about any of this , I even used to ridicule all these people but now I have a different opinion of human ability in general and how strong we can be in any given situation. honestly we give the human species way less credit for having survived all these millions of years cause we've had such comfy little lives, we never think of the hardships humans must've gone through to get here. I feel a certain amount of pride for being alive right now and just for the fact that I'm here right now. and also the power of competition and to be in war with each other and how it grows humans; for example we would have never invented computers if it weren't for the world war and Allen Turing's brilliance. and in this story that I read this girl saw every little object as a tool she could use for many different purposes and it totally blew me away that how much I have at my disposal and I never think of them as that important even the fact that I can breath easily is noteworthy cause in the story she got ill and couldn't breath without pain and it made me more conscious of the my breathing , it's funny how we only know we had a gift when we no longer have it so it's better to be conscious of it now that we have it, you know. and I'm still not through with the whole story but the power of books is amazing if it's well written cause it totally feels like living a pararrel life with you're current life and feeling you're the hero of the story fully. it's remarkable. There was this one part of the book where she invented codes to talk to the nighbering cells by tapping on the wall and the amount of information she gathered just by doing that made me realize that our thoughts are like money in the sense of being mediums of exchange and how each of our perceptions are totally meaningless until they form a connection between two or more things like we see a color which is totally meaningless but if it can help us to do sth with it, although that thing is also meaningless it does become reletavely important cause it helped get sth else done and made a connection, just like words and how they all mean one thing and they collapse eventually , we can still actually understand them and use it. It is all so beautiful in the way it comes together.( I really think of that one a lot when I'm doing tests and follow through on the path of how my knowledge was transformed to four choices and then dots on the paper, codes on the computer, changes of the voltage, movement of electrons, then again results on a screen or paper, then somehow into defining my future and that's how it makes me see the important in the unimportance and things changing forms and translating to sth meaningful while being utterly meaningless by themselves and it goes on and on for everything else in life as well so maybe the perception of colors and images that are so mysterious are also created that way !) (that's what I think about while taking a test wow such a speed of thought ) I really have to read many many more books soon as I have more free time. everything's just so beautiful. I know all I've said sounds completely irrelevant to understand all out of one diary but the truh is when i read a book i think about too many diverse things and when I get to the end of my thoughts, looking back I see that I've gone a bit too far off road but that's just how it works for me so excuse the seemingly irrelentv things I learned from the book so far. by the way I did confront my fear and that shame I talked about previously . By the way again it was new years eve today and the year 1397 officially started but as each year goes by I feel more and more numb to the joy of a new year cause I can no longer feel a happinses that's induced by a mind-created label we give to a day which is no different than other days

When I fall in love with someone I can't control myself to think about him, talk to him, look at him and be around him All the time and when I think of him ,tears of joy and love appears in my eyes. How do you feel when you fall in love? PS: my assumption beforehand is that for males it's more gross and sex oriented than emotion oriented . I'd be glad to be proven wrong

I want to get out of my current situation but this process includes getting more sucked in before I can break free or else I'll be forever stuck but since getting sucked into it isn't aligned with what I truly want, I sort of have to push myself rather than flow effortlessly, that's why I sometimes think idiots have it easier, they just do what they're told and get ahead those who question everything . so there's kind of a reframing of the situation that I have to do, to tell myself that it's actually the right thing because it gets me to ny ultimate goal so this too becomes aligned with my values but you know that's just a manipulation of the mind and deep down I know it's a waste of time but you know I have to get away with this I have to have some faith that it'll pass that I will get out of it but I don't know why I feel this way nowadays it's because I have deep shame inside me and blaming myself for sth that was never my doing it's funny how easily we can identify ourselves to situations and assign our self worth to those. I have to get rid of this shame and also stop assuming that other people are some how above me just again because of a situation they were born to . that doesn't define anything I guess I actually have a huge ego which is so easily threatened yeah that's the problem , a Big ego . I have this very big notion of me and other in the egotistical manner and by no means am I ready to become enlightened or have ego death or anything . well maybe I'll confront my fear and shame . gotta go now

@Shin this place is empty without you . I'll miss you

That's what news does, overdramatizes the whole situation while at the same time you can find a lot of people doing exactly what you think is not doable in that situation but either way it's probably best to leave the country in the long term planning.

Hey I'm too stressed out right now . I keep fearing I won't finish it in time and that there are not enough hours for me . it's a terrible feeling of uncertainty which is blocking my concentration . I want to be reassured somehow that I still can make it . ah I don't know . I wish ...

@Leo Gura I have the same question and no one with that username has ever asked that question or at least I didn't find the thread you're talking about

If you think it that way life in general is a rat race of survival . for what?

@Dan Arnautu you're so awesome . I don't think this thread will ever come to an end . people have so many struggles that you'll regret having ever started this topic if you haven't already

I don't eat fruits until I have to because whenever I do I get an upset stomach and a while ago I heard depending on the type of bacteria living in your gut your diet will vary so could it be that I can't process fruits well enough because of that and should I avoid them or should I push myself to eat them?

PS: last night I slept on the floor with no pillow and woke up 15 mins sooner than my alarm . it was unbelievable for me and maybe it's because it wasn't comfy enough but I had a good sleep . whatever the case I'm not sleeping on my bed ever again the pillow does fuck with spine, instead of putting the pressure on upper back it puts it on the lower back which makes for a sloppy posture overall. I don't know why the pillow was ever invented .

Did I meditate? Did I do yoga? Did I watch a movie? How many hours of internet? How many hours of studying? Did I reach my goal?

@Shin great thanks I actually did a lot of the things that prevent sleeping at night

@Dan Arnautu i have another struggle : how do I correct my sleep cycle ? Here's what I can do , I can wake up whenever I want but can't go to sleep when I want and then if I don't get proper sleep at night I keep having naps during the day and I can't control the napping and that reinforces me not being able to go to sleep at night when I want . give me a pill for this one too . the previous one worked awesome thank you for that.

Is big picture understanding opposite to deep understanding and going deep in one thing? Can you do both or is it imposible?

Since I put actualized.org in the list of blocked websites in the cold turkey software I can't write here from my laptop so it's not as easy for me to go with the previous style of journaling and I'll just write the key points and go so today I studied for 5 hours which isn't good because i wasn't supposed to end my day so soon and I wanted to stay up a bit late but now I feel very tired so I decided to go to bed plus a friend of mine called from years ago and we hadn't talked for like a year so I didn't want to say no to her after all this time and we talked for an hour or so anyway I'll wake up earlier tommorow .

@Igor82 When I sleep on the floor the pressure is even more is that how you feel too?

When I sleep on my back I get lower back and butt pain . I can only sleep that way for a very short time then I have to curl up again on my side or belly. So is it really helpful if I force it to sleep on my back?

Of course it was intended for that

My guess is it won't work cause everything in this religion is corrupted after all these many years so you can't even be sure if this is the proper way to do it furthermore you can't even be sure that the man himself who invented it was truly enlightened , a lot of yoga techniques are also changed let alone sth like namaz.

The action itself doesn't have any effect so if anything is gonna come of out of it depends on the mind and the mental mindset cause I've done it for a year being a hardcore Muslim for only a year because that's the time it took me to realize all of its stupidity

I'm back This time I'm gonna journal at the end of the day until at least the next exam with a minimum of 10 hours a day study . I'll be back tomorrow night.