kieranperez

Damn straight

As shady as Fresno is, the capital is hands down Eureka in Humboldt County.

Trying to refrain from vomiting from smelling this smoking pile of bullshit that I gotta grab an alkaseltzer

Lol Boulder and Denver are some of the most green areas in the country. This is coming from someone who lives in San Francisco. Im mentioning CITIES. Not the entire state itself. Colorado isn’t a totally conservative state either. Colorado was the first state to legalize weed so I don’t eeally know what you’re talking about lol.

Denver & Boulder Colorado

@outlandish all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s like a leaving a loved one you know you can never see again. I think though that’s a sign of a life well lived though sometimes and that you feel you can reflect on the beautiful lessons you as a person have learned from the actual events in your life. I look back at my life even just 24 and remember all the TONS of crazy stupid I’ve done, the stuff I’ve gone through, memories, people I’ve had the privilege to let in and experience deep care and even hatred for, feel those feelings again but from a different altitude of perspective. It’s like remembering the life you had with a loved one that passed away. You remember the good and bad times and of course, you miss them of course and there’s a feeling of sadness because you know you’ll never ever experience them/that again. That’s one of the hard things when you go through enlightenment work too. Freeing yourself from that stuff too (in a sense) and letting go of even that. Also with the truth of impermanence. “Everything is on fire.” - The Buddha

Let go of that. As someone whose done that a lot especially when spontaneous Samadhi comes up, I can promise you that it’s worth it to cut that out. You stop by stopping. You don’t analyze your way to enlightenment or Samadhi. Get into that intentionally now and stay in it.

I want to give an update on my journey that hopefully inspires you. I apologize in advance for it being rather long but hopefully my boring story ends up proving worthwhile for you. So for those of you whom are familiar with my posts (though don't confuse that with actually knowing my background and story) may be familiar that I've been going through a hard time for pretty much the last 10+ years. For those that aren't, I'll give you some backstory that hopefully doesn't bore you too much. Since the age of 11 (I'm 24 now) my family has had to deal with a lot. One of my parents became seriously mentally ill and since I was in 6th grade and my brother at the time when he was just 4 or 5, we had to make sure our parent didn't kill themselves on a regular basis. This went on till I was 22 when our family fell apart. I've always struggled in school and with people due to a very hard case of ADHD and also harassment. I always knew I was intelligent but I always felt like I was a failure because that's all my life seemed to reflect. I've always been extremely ambitious to the point of delusion in most cases. School was a really big challenge for me, especially as I became more independent in high school as I was just in a program that just doesn't suit kids that have things like genuine ADHD. This created such a schism in me because I always had big goals but I was always failing. I knew I "had it" but nothing ever came together. I also was dealing with a lot of mental health stuff with what went on in my house and in myself. As I suffered more, the more I didn't know who I am. When I was junior, I got pulled out of school because I went to my counselor saying I was ready to die. Next thing I know, high school is over after I came back and finished senior year, I didn't accomplish any single goal I set and I wasn't even going to a university. I felt like both life and myself and had let me down. Both Fall and Spring semester of my first year in junior college I left early as a result of not going to classes I couldn't sit through anymore. As a competitive runner, my running just became more and more meaningless. Once I left school I never finished a single season of neither cross country or track season I committed to. I eventually found myself in a hospitalization program which is also where I found meditation. Later on I got into personal development through Tony Robbins after listening to so many motivational videos on YouTube. I couldn't keep going on my own but these things sparked something (my love for life I still had left). I couldn't believe what I was finding and I just devoured everything, though it was still neurotic. My desire for growth was projected as an aggression to "prove them wrong" and maintain that winner. This became exhausting until I realized all of that was based on the fact that I really felt hurt because I felt like a loser and I felt hurt. The competitiveness and desire to succeed no longer made sense. It wasn't until I found a Sam Harris guided meditation with Self-Inquiry at the end when I realized the most important question I've ever had... who am I? After that first sit (as painful as it was) I realized I didn't know who I am. How can I live not know who I am? Who is that's aware of "me"? What is it that's aware of "me"? If I'm aware of me is to be aware that I'm not me!?!? How can I honestly live a life not knowing who I am and say that I've fucking done anything of any significance? Then I found @Leo Gura and I finally felt like I was listening to me on the other end. I found a resource that embraced and encouraged every single thing I've ever found important and wanted to know. Philosophy was important. Having a life purpose and doing something big and doing something important does matter and should be pursued. I can't live not knowing who I am. Knowing that is important. Then I found Om Swami's memoir and then I realized "this is my life. This is what I'm here to do. This is the only thing I've ever really wanted. This is exactly what I've been looking for." Despite all that, I still struggled for many years. Being as depressed as I was, I was crying every single day because I was listening to Leo and I was really starting to realize what life is meant to be and getting clear on what is most important to me but I couldn't live any of it. I was sleeping in the same bed as my dad at 23 with no future. 'I can't REALLY do what Leo or any of the people alive and in the past have done!' This burning desire though just wouldn't shut off to the point where I felt it was torturing me. I was working in a retail job that I just hated myself for going to. How and why did I end up here?! WHY?!!? One of my best high school friends was the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft! My friends represented the USA in running and I used to kick the shit out of them in a race! I'm embarrassed to show my face to people! Then after one post on the forum here I got an offer to come out here in New Jersey to sell pest control going door-door. Door-door sales? That's the hardest form of sales! I can't even keep eye contact, not mumble and stutter and stand straight! However, being the good salesman, now one of my best friends, convinced me that I had the chance to maybe earn $55k this summer. Having no real sales experience and only a month and a half in advance notice (other guys on the team were Mormon missionaries who prepped about a year in advance for this) I accepted it, terrified of what my future was. However... I couldn't go another day looking myself in the mirror feeling the shame and rage towards myself by staying and having sleep with my dad still at 24, having never taken any chance. I knew I HAVE TO DO THIS. After my first week of sales and putting in 12 hour days and not having made a single sale I already had multiple meltdowns. Social dynamics and literally forcing the way I interacted became the development I was really running from. I realized how and why I struggle with eye contact. I realized how and why I talk so fast. Having to change all of this in order to survive demanded a transformation and look myself in the mirror and forced a change. I then realized after 5 days how I literally was a different person. I talked different. My being was different. I slowed down my speech. I could hold eye contact. I felt more grounded. When looking at a video of myself a month before I came out I couldn't believe what I was looking at. The seed was planted. However I did have to switch to being a service pro. Sometimes there's only so much pressure a person can take before suffocating. Sometimes pressure on a stone can create a diamond. It can also cause it to get crushed. Despite the transition, I was now living in a unit I was paying for. I cleaned after myself and I loved it. I loved cleaning my mess. it forced me to be honest about my inadequacies and after emotional turmoil I started to... just do it. The more I "did it", the more my word slowly began to gain power again... despite many relapses. I was cooking for myself. I was working 60-75 hours a week. The hours hurt and the more I felt overwhelmed the more my burning desire for truth burned in my heart painfully. "Why am I out here?!" "What do I want?!... I don't know!" "What impact do I want to have on the world?... I DON'T KNOW!" The fatigue and exhaustion from the hours hurt. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be int he mountains. I wanted to heal. However... I also loved this. I was changing. I was taking on responsbility and I noticed that I was actually changing. My word started having power. I was becoming more confident. I was learning to relax my entire body when I felt extreme stress and could literally let go. Good days became more consistent, despite the still pretty consistent emotional volatility. My faith started to increase. I started to really inspect my unconscious mind through various exercises I was creating. Deeper clarity started to emerge. I even got to meet @winterknight! Then today I was called into my manager's office and was told I was either gonna be laid off because we had too many workers at our location or they were going to move me to a different location. I immediately realized "they have an office in Denver/Boulder, CO" which is where I was planning on trying to maybe move to if all worked out (which it didn't seem like it was). Then I immediately asked if I could be moved over there. They immediately said yes and they would fly me out and I wouldn't have to pay rent. Not only that I could keep the job and reduce my hours as I could go to therapy and get psychoanalysis done in order to really finally heal. I left the office screaming YES! I immediately emailed Integral Zen leader Doshin Roshi whose close with Ken Wilber and am now in contact with him. I'm also around other enlightened teachers like David Loy and many others in that area. My plan is to really meet these people and study under them as best as I possibly can and so far, this is starting to seem doable... and I can't fucking believe it. I'm finally going to get the healing I need, I'm now going to do serious fucking consciousness work and I have ways of even traveling.... How? How did this happen? Why? Why did this happen? The two questions that I felt the most negatively when I uttered them now bring great gratitude. Was it because I wanted this so bad that I couldn't live without it and there was some law of attraction thing that set in? Maybe. Whose to really confirm that and say definitely? One answer I can say with confidence is that I had faith and I took what little of it I had left and jumped... and I had very little of it left. I had faith though because I knew, not that my life mattered, but that I can't waste this. I refuse to fucking let my life go. When I see Leo post a picture of how overweight he was in his 20s and when I see his videos I see and hear the heart of someone whose driven to serve this world, that's fucking real. Not some cute talk about metaphysics and parrot nondual blabber. I knew I had to keep going because I DO love life. I can't fall back asleep and ignore all that I know I yearn for... and I invite you to do the same... Take the leap and claim the responsibility that you will do this. Whatever "this" is. Throw yourself into a situation that DEMANDS you grow and DO IT. When you're put into a situation by your own hand that's hard, look at yourself and also feel yourself in that moment. Awareness ALONE is curative. When you're aware of how much you lie to yourself, how much you cheat yourself, how much you ruin your own happiness, how much you deceive yourself of your own love for yourself, how much you mask your own selfishness, how much you shirk your responsiblity in this world to others, how you play victim and watch yourself doing it... THEN your life will change because you won't be able to tolerate it anymore. Then you will feel empowered, despite how many times you fall back. That's how this is done. I'm one of the most skeptical people I've probably met and also one of the most cynical. If I can have faith in the shit I've gone through, so can you. Take back your life. Not because you have to but because you love life. Thank you Leo for helping me cultivate the faith and show me a new path in life. I don't want to know where I'd be if I didn't find your channel. Thank you for showing me. I hope one day I can live that which you're realizing one day and be of service to the world like you are.

You’re merely picking apart the limits of the language that is my question. You’re not getting what I’m actually asking.

How is love, goodness, intelligence, etc. not be a relative experience when these things can only be known through experienced through relative experience? Can love, goodness, etc. just be said to be the bedrock base of all that is relative? How can gravity not exist prior to my conception of gravity? Things still fall down prior to my conception of gravity. Even if I didn’t even make the distinctions of “things”, there was still an experience of something falling.

Truly incredible and insightful. @Leo Gura you’d love this

@Leo Gura that’s very comforting to hear that. I find the more trips I take now in psychedelics the more I realize how much I need to walk my own path and not anyone else’s. I usually tend to fall into needing to map my life in line with someone else. The more free I am though the more I realize it just never works that way. And it’s one thing to say that. It’s another thing to stop saying it and in fact, stop saying anything and literally just do it. You can’t grow just by collecting insights. Notice that the greatest philosophers LIVED their insights as principles. If you, I, and the world don’t actually do that, it’s just talk. And just talking is breaking integrity. Take the inspiration from this and throw my story away. My story is just a story.

Coming from the guy who inspires me more than probably anybody... THAT means a lot. Honestly it’s when I listen to your videos on vision that just reinstills my faith in myself and my path. My path certainly will not be linear. I tend to learn slower than most and honestly, I probably have more challenges than most... but on the other end I don’t either because I feel my desire for awakening, freedom, and truth to not only be burning and become more drowning, but the more I grow, the more pure it becomes. I won’t lie, I do compare myself to you and other people I admire and that feels rather defeating but im starting to understand through the results im getting what you’ve said all along. Which is vision. Have a burning enough vision that makes your heart burn. Thank you for serving as an example. Thank you for everything and I hope I can meet you one day and say that. I’d probably be in a casket if I didn’t find your videos.

Do you think it's possible to be conscious of the intelligence of the unfolding of evolution through higher level degrees of mastery of things like yoga on a moment by moment basis?

@Leo Gura what eeg machine for neurofeedback did you buy? I don’t have $7k to pay for neurofeedback training. I have no help in being able to pay for that. I remember you saying somewhere that you paid $3k for yours. I’m willing to pay for that. My ADHD since getting off all my meds (Adderall since I was 6 years old till I was 22 and 5 other SSRIs, mood stabilizers, etc. - not counting all the ones I’ve been on) is tearing my life apart. I want this GONE. I can’t function. I can’t make decisions. My life is a mess. My emotions are a mess. I have energy problems now. I’m trying every single damn day so hard to keep this together and pick myself up and start my life over. I’m not able to get help but I’m in a (sage slave) job where I get paid enough where I can probably save up money for a eeg machine. I tried modafinil and other nootropics and it’s the same thing - I adapt and build such a fast tolerance to them in 1-3 days that they stop working and then when I get off I have to go through withdrawal. Sorry for the ramble. Just so frustrated in my life that I need to vent. Thanks.

If that wasn’t a hint I don’t know what is.

When is the last time you approached several girls in a day with the intent to get laid and how consistent were you in that endeavor in terms of days a week?

Nobody is telling you to “buy” anything. Experience for yourself. As a guy who plays victim when it comes to women and sex, you have no authority to say this is bullshit. The only reason you think it’s bullshit is because you don’t take responsibility to find out for yourself whether or not it’s true. That’s NOT skepticism nor openmindedness. Thats dogma.

I’ll slip LSD in their water

Spoken like a true dogmatic victim.

I think the hardest thing emotionally I struggle with in this work is the gap this work is creating between my family and I since I basically grew up with the most blood thirsty atheist family (not to mention emotionally traumatized from what we went through but that’s another bedtime story) and that I’ll never really be able to share this with those who loved me before anyone else. Keeps me up at night sometimes.

I think that interpretation is largely dependent on the stage of development someone is at. For me, that’s where I’m at where all of the meanings and why are just becoming untenable because I’m moving more fully into Green and developing more of a point of view around deconstruction/post-structuralism. In my own experience at this point, I’m at a point in my own cognition where I can’t really see much of why there would be a why to any of this. I’ve had some glimpses on acid but I’m still not satisfied. However, I think your explanations and what not serve as a possibility for sincere seekers to really be open to the possibility of there being “more” as they move further in their development.

@Truthority there’s other questions besides who and what you are. Don’t get myopic with your contemplations

Yeah I guess I missed you when you critiqued the part about where he says it’s “required”.

Positive and negative don’t exist. I’m not telling you to focus on what’s positive. I’m telling you to focus on what’s true. You’re fabricating all these stories and perceptions whether you like it or not. Whether you’re aware of it or not.