Kimka

I’m not sure if you’re being serious or sarcastic? it can be pretty confusing at times. But seems like this relationship is making me realize things that was previously very much unconscious to me.

Thank you❤️

Good point. I told him this. Mind you we were on acid when he told me that nothing matters. He told me that nothing matters except from one thing, and that is love. He told me that he is love. That I am love. We are made of the same, that why we have to be together. It was a really beautiful experience at the time. But if I’m gonna be honest I’m cringing a bit right now.

Well yeah technically???

Yes I really appreciate all the consideration people here have it warms my heart. But I wrote in one post that it that be difficult to just leave because we’ve been together for 5 years, have 3 dogs together, a house. So it’s real difficult. but it’s also super difficult to discuss things with him, he gets very defensive and doesn’t see a problem. Except when he’s on coke, he gets like super calm and really listens to me. But when he sober he can make fun of me and my concerns I expressed to him. Really wierd I know. I just wish he could see how his actions are hurting me and us.

I’m trying to do this, get to the root cause. Otherwise I know I will get in another toxic situation.

First of all thank you for all the time and energy you take to write these posts. I think I was to adjust some things to this game plan. The thing is we’ve been a couple for 5 years. We have 3 dogs and a house together that I would deeply miss. I have all of his friends and family on social media. Last time we separated I moved in with my parents and if I would leave that’s where I would go and he knows them and knows where they live, If he wanted to get a hold of me. Our lives are very intertwined. His family has actually been really great to be. He has a complicated relationship to them. He hates his mom but her and I have a great relationship and she has been there for me. She even told me she will help me if I decide to leave him. I hope to find a good therapist as well, I really need it. Thank you for all the support❤️??

I wanted to go to therapy, I got a letter for my anppointment and my bf was like why do you need a therapist? They just want you to feel bad so they can take your money, I client that feels good is a lost client??‍♀️ so I try to journal out my feelings. I also spend time alone in nature. When I leave I think I will go to therapy to process all this. This post is just the tip of the iceberg of everything going on. thank you❤️

I had my mind blown today. I don’t have a therapist but I enjoy writing so I journal a lot. I have this ritual that when I have full written journal, I go through it to read all it, to get like another perspective. Then I throw it in the fireplace to keep my privacy. I did this today. I started this journal like 9-10 months ago, and the things I wrote about today was some childhood stuff. When I began to read what I was feeling in my adult relationship, it was almost identical to how I felt as a child. Both in my relationship and my childhood I felt I can never be myself, or else I’m rejected. I have to make sure that my parent/partner is taken care of, and it’s more important than myself. When I was a child my parents drank alot and were having fights, screaming and stuff, and I was the mediator between them, so they both came to me complaining about their problems. I tried to solve them even though a child that age don’t understand relationship and the problems that can come with it. Our brains are so fragile. I was like maybe 8 years old when it started. My younger sibling were always very distressed about this situation so I was busy taking care of her needs. I never showed my emotion or that this bothered me. I just shut down. I notice I do the same with my boyfriend. My father even told me I act like a mother in my relationship. I was always the “easy child” who never bothered, very mature for my age. Yeah no wonder, cause I was raised to act like like a parent to my parents and my younger sibling. Nobody gave a fuck about me and my feelings. So I attracted a person who makes me feel the same in adulthood as a did a child. I started to google some of this behavior and apparently it’s called parentification when caregivers and children switch roles. And it’s common to get into these abusive relationships as an adult because parentification is a form of emotional abuse. Because your parents were emotionally immature I have a partner that’s the same. This is not like an excuse or anything. I just wanted to share because I really got awareness today of all this. Psychology is interesting and an amazing tool. therapy might be good for a neutral perpective.

Yeah I know lol. He’s pretty close minded

That’s very interesting

I’ve thought about this. i have my car so I’m just gonna pack some things and leave maybe when he’s at work. I guess there’s no point to break up with him in person? im actually turning 30 next year? no, I want to have a family on my own but now with this guy under these conditions.

Yes. Boundaries are so important, especially stuff like this because it gets you it to trouble when you don’t have any. Me starting to get aware of these things helps me bring them up to the surface. When I met him a couple of years ago I was blind to all of this. So I see it as a good sign. Trying to be able to self reflect and not get defensive

It’s a pride thing for me too. My family and friends saw the red flags pretty early and been telling me this guy is no good but I didn’t believe them. I recently started to see it because it became so obvious. So I feel it’s hard for me to admit that they were right. It was never going to last. I wanted to prove them wrong. But honestly, my family is great and I believe they would be really happy to have me back in their life, they even expressed that, that they miss me. I think in some bizarre way, some of my needs are being fulfilled in this relationship. I feel special because I told myself our history and connection we have is unique and I can’t let that go to waste. I invested so much. I think I’m afraid to be alone with my negative thoughts about myself. A relationship is like a conformation that at least somebody wants you.

I know this deep down. I know I’m destroying myself for this love. He is a copy of his father who was a heroin addict for his whole adult life and passed away pretty young. They both look alike and behave alike. My bf basically tried all drugs except heroin, and that would definitely be his downfall. I know it’s likely he will go down the same path as his father, especially if I leave him. His family told me I’m his first normal girlfriend. I don’t know why, but I’m afraid he will think of me as a bad person if I leave him. Like I wasn’t loyal enough to stay. Because I preached to him a lot about true love, and that you fight for someone you love and don’t give up. I believe this because my parents have the most amazing marriage and are still happy and in love after 30+ years and I wanted to have that. But I guess not with him. I almost tried it all and I don’t wanna be miserable anymore. I hope I will have the courage to just get out. I know now I have to, to save myself.