Seed

The only nagging feeling is that I am giving up on the group or myself if I do leave… and that I’ve gone through it all to leave at the point where things could turn around. But that’s a probably a fantasy. I am just thinking of the hero’s journey…

I am training to be a pyschotherapist and part of the course is that we spend one hour with a group of people and share what we are experiencing in the 'here and now' authentically in order to help others percieve your reality as well as learn more about themselves and how they are percieved, and unpick dysfucntional behaviour or patterns. However, in my group, I have had no stop critism and personal attacks from one member. He constantly blows hot and cold and I percieve him as trying to gaslight myself and the group. He says I am manipulative, ingenuine, dangle carrots to reel people in and use my vulnerability to have power over people. He has also said I am disrutpive, put him out of his window of tolerence, stick out like a sore thumb. Always shuts me down when I talk and the rest of the group are either in awe of him or scared to speak up. Whilst I can just about tolerate his behaviour and speak up for myself. My closest friend has become very close to him and whilst I have been distancing from her as I find she is consantly overbearing and displays toxic behaviour towards me and tries to make out we are same person, she recently went for me in the group. I think due to the fact I know longer let her hve control and power over me. Despite me saying I didnt want to engage with the group as was having a nervous system shut down due to the constant attacks she ploughed through my boundary and told me that she too thought I was ,manipulative, she couldnt be herself round me becayse she was scared of my reactions and i had turned her into a pressure a cooker etc. She was pointing her fingers and shaming me. I didnt respond as I was in a freeze response. The rest of the week I was numb. I then go in the following week to reassert my boundary that if she has any issues with the friendship we can talk together but not in this group as I dont feel safe here and it is for 'here and now' stuff not picking friendships apart. That she could share if she wanted to, but dont expect me to engage. She then got very upset and said she was sorry to have got angry last week but I had triggered her and that I never truly hear her or acknowledge her in the friendship. She then got hysterical and shared stuff to do with her childhood and it felt too much for me. I was in a freeze state and felt it was all my fault. The guy who previously went for me said to me afterwards that now you know how she felt when you didn’t talk to her and someone else said they could really feel my boundary and that she was cut off. I feel so much animosity from the group that I was not able to engage with her at that point. And that I left her suffering and prevented her from healing her wound. I felt immense suffocating pressure from the group. Afterwards I went into a really bad state and even my vision was quivering, and I could barely sit up. This lasted days but I still feel very poorly. I have also spoken to her on the phone to which she has told me that she is scared of me, my reactions and that I control her etc. I feel my reality is completely upside down and that I am going mad. She asked for a walk but I said I don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to do this. I desperately need space from her and the group. I don’t feel safe at all and my nervous system is constantly in freeze. I have pains up and down my body and I am sleepy all the time. I feel I can’t express any emotion, thought or feeling without attack and so supressed that continuing to go back is only causing more and more stress to my mental and physical health. I don’t want to go back and don’t think there is anything else I can get from going back at this point? I feel my friends have also turned against me as the encounter content is not being kept withing the boundaries of the group and if she is telling others what she is saying to me then it is no wonder they have gone cold. I cant continue to go back to a group which is so unbalanced in terms of power, awareness and personal autonomy. I am wondering what is best to do? Am I being gaslighted? Or am I in denial? My body reactions are so strong. I recently met this her for a walk to hear her out and be the listening ear she was saying I wasnt and although we had a good time together, when I got back I went extremely ancious, paranoid and couldnt sleep the entire night. i dont know what ia going on, why my body is reacting like this. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, PS. this group is also a friendship group, althought I am only close to one or two members. And I have to spend the next year with them on the course. I have been in this group since October and have 8 weeks left. The tutors say due to my treatment I dont have to stay if I feel it is too detrimental on my mental wellbeing and health.

Agreed. But I don’t have to be around everyone do I ? or stuck in a group which bring up trauma for me do I ? I can choose who to be gaslit by? 😂

🙏

@universe definitely can see you points here and have seen how my mentality and mindset has significantly lowered due to spending such time there. I agree I am on talking about the ‘bad’ but I am trying to get across how I am feeling rather than fact and it’s the feeling that makes me wonder whether I should take a step back. it’s like I’ve become someone I don’t recognize and I take responsibility in that…. I think I should have cleared off a while ago but I kept going back to try and sort through which had only lead to resentment and fear. I’ve done these groups before and never had this…. I think universe is trying to teach me something. And yes I agree me going into ‘freeze’ is not her fault. But accumulation affect and retraumatisation. I should have recognized what’s going on and not turned up. Sadly I didn’t. I could have left but when in freeze state you can’t move. thanks again for your points, I am definitely aware of the amount of negativity coming out my mouth and how unhealthy and unusual that is for me. As I say, I’ve lost myself in that group. But that’s not their fault, that’s my learning! Peace and love 💗 Ps. I like these people as individuals and do not feel so much animosity at all. I accept them for they are. It’s the group I have the problem with as it’s been going since the first week and I feel very at threat I guess. Months and months of a certain treatment and boundary violation starts to take its toll. So I was looking for ways I can take responsibility and empower myself really also I know my reactions are extreme and definitely trauma responses - which are beyond my control as trauma is imbedded in the nervous system. This particular chap has been in groups before and others have said same thing and ended up leaving. Just a little more perspective ✌️

@Thought Art Thank you!! ☮️✌️💜

@Thought Art I’ve tried observing and they demand conversations and emotion. I e tried ‘I feel, I wonder’ and they say I am being self absorbed. 😂 i think it’s a case of recognizing where I am putting my life force energy and re igniting it into myself. As a sensitive empath I lose myself and I am becoming very negative which is not healthy for me Ive learnt a lot already but feel it’s time for me to loving let go and put love into myself and my loved ones. Peace and love to you too ✌️

Thank you for your thoughtful message I do appreciate it a lot. Yes I agree with the rested mind, but then I worry that if I dont continue through the discomfort that I won't have completed 'the work'. Right now I am in the belly of the beast, if I flee - then I have ruined my journey? Well I do question myself as I feel it is important for my growth to listen to others feedback etc - but I know truly I am not manipulative. This word is what my parents used to say when I expressed emotion so is very triggering for me and hurts a lot. It makes me supress myself. And I can't fathom why my 'friend' wanted to humilate me like that as I have spoken to her sicne and she says she doesnt think that. Yes - I have been trying with the boundary but having one seemed to have brought on the biggest attack. I think I could take the attacks from the guy but from my best friend - really shook me. However, I understand she was angry and she had no control. I just feel intense shame. I guess I feel that the group could become caring and gentle and perhaps I need to express how bad I have felt? But then this could be attacked again - so it's a catch 22. I am wondering what would be the most empowering decision? I think that is where my learning is. Thanks again for your support. Peace and love.

Yes, I totally agree. However being in the group is part of 'the work' we have to do on ourselves. But at what cost is where I am unsure? My therapist has written a letter with her opinion that I have been retraumized without support and that I pause from group until this can be sorted. What do you mean that leaving the group is still fighting? What is not fighting then? Thank you,

@thenondualtankie So I am choosing or have chosen to stay this long as an attempt to work through the issues and work on myself, my reactions, my boundaries and see the process through. Trying to look at what are triggers from my own childhood and what is them. And trying to continue being vulnerable whilst also boundaried. It hasn't worked unfortunately and I have just become very poorly with it all. I think the boundary violation was the last straw. I have not done anything to the group. However, the guy who started off with personal attacks has shown flirtatious behaviour towards me which I asked him to stop doing as made me uncomfortable - so that may be his motive. And the other woman has a very intense bond with me and I have pulled away as felt too much, so she has harboured resentment for that. Otherwise, no in my opinion I have always been fair, kind and true to myself. However, I do not express as fluently as the others as I have developmental trauma which means I block my emotions sometimes and I think people percieve this as me playing games or manipulating. However we are on a pychotherapy course so they technically do understand. This is why I am concerned there is something more going on. It is not my nature to give up on peoiple though and perhaps this is a process I have to see through. I am unsure. Thanks for your perspective.

Thank you. I feel so lost in the process that wanting to feeling safe is irrational. It’s really horrible to constantly have boundaries eroded. And I just think why aM I doing this? I am A shell of who I used to be confidence wise whilst everyone else is thriving. Almost like I am the sacrifice. Crazy dynamics. I just don’t want to give up, it’s not my nature…. I want to keep on battling on. it’s tough. thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it and also taking the time to read my reality. Love and peace ✌️

Thank you. I guess what my tutors are saying is that I should ‘have faith and trust the process’ and that just because it’s so bad now doesn’t mean it won’t get better. However I just think at what cost? This has been going on since October. It’s hard as I want to do the work involved but like you said I am lot benefitting at all and also my therapist has said, I am being retraumatized. I hate to admit defeat though!!!!

I am not a psychotherapist I am doing a degree in psychotherapy which is brining up a lot of childhood trauma and wondering about some opinions that’s all. I am not after validation of what is right or wrong. More just some outer perspectives on what to do, as mental health is suffering. Whether to listen to myself or follow the the protocol. Sometimes on these situations it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. No to read respond if the post doesn’t resonate with you. I am just having a tough time at the moment. I am human. Take care.

Thank you 🙏

just worked for me on Chrome x

I have been seeing my therapist for two years now and we now have a very solid, secure relationship which has taken a lot of money, time emotion to build. She is also an energy worker and does 'clearing' sessions' for those that have absorbed negative energy from the enviroment to rebalance chakras. During my therapy I have gone into explicit detail about a close friend of mine and issues between us, this friend evokes a lot of trauma from my childhood so has mean a main feature in helping me tap into root causes of my distress. This friend of mine had been going through a hard time so I recommended Annie (my therapist) to do a clearing for her, which she did. I am now surprised that they are having a proper session together on self care (not therapy) but still a 1:1 dynamic and communication. I feel very uncomfortable with it. The clearing didnt involve any interaction and is purely as distance thing, which is why I was happy to share her details. But I am quite put out that they have set up their own session, which will be an hour over Zoom. It may just be a one off, but I havent been given any details or approached as to whether I am comfortable for them to work together in that capacity. Now, I totally trust both of them but my issue is I feel that going forward I wont be able to discuss the details of my freind and feelings towrds her now I know that my therapist knows who she is! It feels unethical to me. I have sent a voicemail to my therapist explaining how I feel - to which she replied 'It is a teaching session!' I then further explained that i knew this but my concern was feeling uncomfortable about sharing anything going forwards, to do with them knowing eachother and it feeling wrong. She then said ' I can see your trust issue has been evoked, a good place to start the next session from' I feel she has been very dismissive. I also know this is nothing to do with trust and I have told her that. It is to do with my personal boundaries and who and what I am comfortable sharing explicit information and feelings to. Them working together has now affected this. By the time I see her for next session, it will have already happened. And obviously I can't stop them. But I do feel quite disrespected (not by my friend) but by therapist and am seriously considering not going back as this isn't the first time that boundaries haven't been properly considered. Any words of wisdom? Am I overreacting? Thank you!!!!

@puporing thank you for the heads up

Yes I would say this is best. I just needed to vent first and check my reaction Is appropriate as I so often doubt myself . Thank you 🙏

I gave my friend her details so that she could do the clearing, not realising that she would then go on to set up a 'teaching' session on protecting energy with my friend. And this friend is someone I have discussed in great length with my therapist over our period of work together. She is a retired therapist who now only does a small amount of work because she enjoys it and is very selective over her clients. She was actually recommended to me through another therapist, I wnt to her for enegry work originally to which we hit it off with a great rapport, she then offered her pyschotheraputic services to me, to which I thought long and hard over and then went for it, and here I am two years later. In all honesty, as blurry as she can be with the boundaries and distracting with the new age stuff. I have seen a fair few therapists who are by the book, but terrible at the work. And Annie(my therapist) and I do have a great relationship together and have got though some heavy material that no other therapist has been able to tap into. And because of this I have a lot of respect and turn a blind eye to some of her slughtly unconventional ways. She is creative and engaging and she understands me like nobody else. This why I am hesistant to let go of her. It's taken a good 18 months of investment and commitment before I was even able to be emotional around her, and she has been consistent and dedicated. I know I am a very tricky client as I resist all inteventions to the nth degree. And very cynical. A tricky one.....

Love this.

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